My addiction story

[trenttalbott]

Hey Guys,

I posted a very brief synopsis of my story in the introduction section but I wanted to go into detail is this section. I started using drugs when I was twelve years old, I grew up mormon and HATED it. At the time my parents were emotionally abusive in an attempt to get me to conform and I had just gone through some trauma, I remember my friends older brothers taking pills and they always talked about how freaking good it felt. At the time I had suffered my first depressive episode I honestly felt so depressed that it scared me, I would have done anything to alleviate the pain. I knew my grandmother had mscontin 15 milligrams and I decided to try one. Boy did that do the trick all I knew was that I wanted to hang on to that feeling forever. Because of limited supply and being a 12 year old kid I only used once or twice a week when I could steal my grandmas seemingly unlimited supply of Demerol and mscontin. This stopped when I moved to Utah when I was 15. My parents did not ever have narcotics and I did not have any friends used. I honestly kind of forgot about opiates until I got my wisdom teeth out when I was 17, that feeling came back and that next semester in school I met 2 kids that were selling lorects and oxycontin. I was still pretty careful with the pills because I had some pretty lofty athletic goals and a thought that the pills would interfere with my performance.

My senior year of high school and I finally relented to pressure from a friend and tried smoking heroin and again I could not believe how incredibly euphoric and comforting an opiate could be (I had really bad anxiety/depression and the time). I graduated from high school and was pressure by my parents to serve a mission for the mormon church, I did not want to go but if you don't go you become kind of a social pariah its a weird utah mormon thing. I tried to stay sober preparing but I just could not stay clean for longer than 2 weeks, my last two weeks before leaving a took 45 milligrams of morphine every night. Needless to say the whole mission thing did not work out and I came home early and decided to enroll at BYU.

Now BYU is a great school but has rules that prohibit drugs, smoking ,drinking premarital sex etc.. and I got caught drinking and turned in to the head office, thy ended up kicking me out. I decided to play the victim and move on to daily using, at the time I found a substance called mt-45 an opiate that was researched in the 60's but never brought to market thus being legal to posses as a "research chemical" I could buy it online and it was way cheaper than even heroin and it is three quarters as strong as morphine. After about 3 months of daily use I decided to cold turkey and be sober and we all know how effective that is... within another couple of months I had relapsed. I got deeper in to the research chemicals and I found several other opiate like substances that I could buy online under the guise of "research" The next few years were hell, I was too embarrassed to go to rehab so it was a constant cycle of withdrawal, couple months of clean time then relapse.

About a year ago after an intervention with my parents I agreed to go to a fancy in patient facility. My first time using suboxone was in detox and I remember how easy a suboxone taper made with drawal and how suboxone seemed to destroy my depression without making me high. Unfortunately the in patient facility I went to is strictly abstinence based and did not let me do a maintenance program and they had me convinced that the only people that want to do maintenance are those that want to get high legally. After inpatient I did a PHP program then an IOP and I was living in a sober living home. The experience was good but I always struggled with intense cravings and after ten months I relapsed. In patient was not an option so I decided to try suboxone in desperation because it is covered by my insurance. Suboxone treatment is not perfect but I am doing much better and I am very happy to have found this awesome forum! I am mostly just looking for support as I begin this journey towards lifelong sobriety with the help of buprenorphine

[Ashlee]

Ello trenttalbott,


So first things first, welcome to our recovery sanctuary. Here, you don't need to worry about judgement & diversion. I'd like to ask you a few questions. What mg are you currently taking? How do you feel about long term/life long maintenance? Do you have a support system? (family, therapy, 12 step, counseling, etc) we here at talkzone are each other's support, so please feel free to ask us anything.


I, too started taking pills at a very young age (13) except my mom was giving them to me. I loved the feeling & at such a young age, I didn't really understand addiction. My mom would also tell me that the pills she's giving to me are Aleve with caffeine & not anything heavy. I didn't find out what they were until I was 15 year old, that's when she finally told me. By that time, I was already hooked. Long story short, I started taking buprenorphine over a year ago & my life has changed for the better. Buprenorphine treatment will help you get to know yourself again, keep your cravings at Bay, & rebuild everything in your life. If you ever need anything, have any questions, or simply want to just talk, feel free to message me. Hope to hear from you soon & I'm sure others will be passing by to chime in.



Ash

[jennjenn]

Great story Trent!!! Really enjoyed reading it.

Unlike you and Ashlee, I didn’t become addicted until my 30’s so I couldn’t imagine how different it would have been. My nephew is 26 now and has been addicted since he was 16 I think. He’s still going and refusing to get help. He’s even went to suboxone treatment but refused to give up the opiates. Getting addicted at a young age like that would be hard. Addiction is hard at any age and I went through losing my kids and everything, but younger addicts don’t know much else of life but using because they started so young. It’s just all so hard no matter what age.

I’m happy to hear that you’re stable on suboxone and feeling at peace again. Hopefully you have support and you’re doing or considering counseling because it truly helps. Giving bk to other addicts is also super rewarding because you’re helping others like you would have loved the help and inspiration when you were using. Having the peace to just walk around in life and do normal everyday living again is such a blessing! It can only go up from here!!

[Amy-Work In Progress]

Trent! I'm so glad you found us too, because we would love to support you!

I know a few Mormon folks and they are great, but some of their practices are restrictive. I know how they treat boys who don't go on mission or at least to college. You are on the outside of the community looking in. You're not marriage material now. It's less extreme than shunning, but you're still not approved of.

The way Mormons take care of each other in their wards is admirable, but it tends to isolate them from the outside world. One Mormon friend of mine confided in me that she caught her son looking at gay porn. He claimed that he was just gathering information for a friend and she believed it. I privately shook my head. I mean, her son was incredibly talented in music and acting and she was so proud of him for that. When he finally came out to her, she was astonished. To her credit, when she had to make a choice between her religion and her son, she picked her son. I was proud of her, but I knew how difficult it was for her to make that break. I think she felt really lonely for a long time.

Anyway, back to you! I am sorry for the emotional abuse you felt from your parents and whatever trauma it was that you went through. It sounds like you had no one to turn to. That must have felt incredibly lonely. When we are in active addiction, we tend to isolate ourselves, or at least only hang out with other addicts. When we start on suboxone, sometimes it's difficult to start reaching out, but we are glad you did.

It's also difficult to go through abstinence-based treatment, where you are told all the time that it's the ONLY way to recover, and then choose MAT. A lot of people feel guilty that they are no longer abstinent. And there are plenty of abstinence-only zealots who compound that feeling of guilt. In fact, we suspect that a fair amount of these zealots come here and become members to create havoc if they can, and discontent if they can't create havoc! Yes, we definitely have members here who come here truly struggling and we do our best to help support them.

One good thing to know is that science is on our side! Not only do we have many studies proving that buprenorphine is very effective at preventing relapse and overdose death, but we have more and more studies coming out supporting longer buprenorphine treatment times. Eventually, we will look back at this time of judgment and stigma, wondering how it ever could have been that way.

Is there anything in particular you are struggling with? You mentioned that your buprenorphine treatment is not perfect. You are not alone! There are many of us who struggle with various issues. Many of us also have co-occurring disorders like depression and anxiety. I struggled when I first went on suboxone with not having enough things to fill my time or my brain. I had to find new hobbies, new pursuits, and still I felt like I might not ever look forward to something other than opioids. If you have a questions, please let us know.

You are welcome here! Stick around!

Amy

[trenttalbott]

Hey Everyone,

Thank you so much for the replies! This seems like a really great supportive community and I am happy to be a part of it. To answer everyone's main question, yes I am seeing a therapist and I am participating in an out patient rehabilitation program. The issue I am having with Buprenorphine is that it does not hold me for longer than 8-9 hours (I posted about that in the misc section) but when I can feel it my depression and craving disappear. Also I am going to do Buprenorphine long term. I have done drugs for so long and my brain is so damaged from drugs that I don't think abstinence based treatment can keep me sober long term. I want to be healthy and happy and I think long term MAT can help with that.

[westletluv]

Yes, your story shock. It's awful that such a thing happened to you in early childhood. I understand you that way because as a child, my parents misbehaved, constantly shouted, and beat me, which made me hate everything connected with them. That's why I moved away from them at the first opportunity. I'm glad that at that time, I was supported by my friends who had never tried drugs and forbade me to do it. I think you don't have such people, but you can find them on https://www.theluckiestclub.com/join-community to not feel lonely. Unfortunately, there are many such cases now, and it would be nice to share your story with them.

[Bighorn]

My story may be a bit different from most of the posts here. I am a 68 year old retired heavy equipment operator at an open pit coal mine in Wyoming. I have have 4 back surgeries of which 2 failed. I have had a fusion and a back stimulator implanted. I was on Oxycontin & Oxycodone for almost 40 years. At the end I was taking 120 mg of Oxycontin 3 times a day and 180 mg of Oxycodone a day. I finally reached a point where it just wasn’t doing anything anymore and was doing more harm than good. My whole life revolved around taking my pain meds. Don’t get me wrong though. Oxycontin was a godsend for me. It allowed me to continue working and live a somewhat normal life but I am retired now and just didn’t want to be dependent on them anymore so luckily I have a wonderful Dr. that agreed to help me get off them. I started last August 2021 and did pretty good with cutting down a little bit every month right up to the end and then started having withdrawals so we decided to switch to the Buprenorphine. I microdosed for a week stepping up every day until I reached 8 mg. At that time they cut my Oxycontin & Oxycodone completely. I am now taking 1/2 film 4 times a day. I am now about 2 1/2 weeks into taking the Buprenorphine but am still having withdrawal symptoms. They keep telling me that it will get better soon but I am having my doubts. I guess what I’m wondering is how long did it take other people to start feeling better once they started taking Buprenorphine.
Thanks in advance for any answers. It’s kinda nice to find this forum. There is no support group where I’m at.

[rule62]

Congratulations on taking the first step. It seems your doctor is going about it backwards. Most of us started on a high dose which completely stopped the withdrawals and then we tapered down fairly quickly to a manageable dose. My doctor over prescribed me with 24 mg's the first day. I got so high it made me throw up, kind of like doing heroin. He brushed me off and told me to stay with that high dose. Within a week I had gone down to 8mgs and stayed there for several months. Then I started tapering because it made me so tired. After about a year I got down to 1-2mgs and am still there 12 years later.

My dose was only Norco, roughly 15 per day along with another 15 tramadols and Soma. A lot less than you. What I realized was that my doctor knew very little about buprenorphine as do many doctors. Coming here I learned a lot from personal experience and from others posts. A lot of valuable information to be had here.

Ask if you can go up a bit. Tell him you can always taper down later once you find your sweet spot.

Don't even consider getting off of buprenorphine for at least a year, maybe more. I had pain too but really overdid it as the years went by.