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PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2015 10:09 pm 
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I've been on and off subs for 8 years and I know what you mean. I never know from day to day how I'm going to feel. Down to 1mg a day and I've tried to stop at that before and was an emotional wreck. I don't totally blame suboxone for the way I felt. I quit under conditions no one should even attempt to quit anything and I've had to quit before for reasons out of my control. Sick of this drug and the doctors. This time I'm tapering as slow and steady as possible and it's working. I'm finding that a lot of water, no caffeine or shitty foods and keeping my booze consumption minimal and only beer, a couple in the evening. Repeat. Staying hydrated. Multi vitamins and EXERCISE only when feeling physical annoying symptoms of WD have not kept me from run on sentences. Ha ha all kidding aside just trying to change everything about the way I think and take care of myself is helping. Telling my girl I love her and telling her exactly what I'm going through and how I'm feeling instead of lying and saying I'm fine and pushing out a fake smile is helping me. It's not easy anyway you do it but I've done it before and it's possible. Obviously I'm still all over the place but its pure honesty and just talking about it helps. It's possible. You sound commited and ready so it sounds toe like you will eventually start to feel better. It's hard to be patient during this just close your eyes when it get overwhelming, breathe and remember what it was like to be happy, truly happy. I hope somewhere in one of my erratic thoughts there is something you can grab on to and find useful. Peace brother.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 01, 2015 6:47 pm 
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Hey Boogie, you ended like that was going to be the last we heard from you! I hope not! I have been following you and you are such an inspiration to me! In August I will be on sub for a year. I have weaned down to 8 mgs from 24. I want to taper and be done. My goal was one year and it terrifies me to think that it is next month. I want to be as strong as you have been! With the headaches you talk about I honestly don't know what stops you from looking for anything to stop the pain. Suboxone has helped me three fold. Osteoarthritis pain, depression related to menopause, and of course addiction to tramadol! Please keep posting! I want to be able to keep up with your success!


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 03, 2015 1:10 pm 
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Great job boogie, my day is coming soon abut 2 or3 more months of taper and I'll jump,I'm praying I can make it through its been so long since I've been med free ,I'm 43 and i want to be free.my work is going to be difficult to get through because I have always been wide open and I will be not my self and people will notice so I guess I'll jus tell them I've got the flu.please pray for me and u will be in my prayers also.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 12, 2015 11:17 pm 
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Day-44

First off I wanted to say thanks to Fullsolidplan, imhurten (I don't pray these days, but I will send you my deepest positive thoughts and well wishes,) and Michelle F., who pricked my heart a little with your question about if I was done posting or not. To think a perfect stranger even cares if I write another word here or not humbled me more than a little bit; It really touched my heart.

So here's the update on how I'm doing since my jump back on 5/29/2015:

Last I posted (Tues June 30th) I was still at my wits end. Most of the days out of the week I still felt awful, I couldn't pay attention to anything unless it was mind numbingly simple (i.e. movies, tv, brainless bullshit, etc.,) and even then it seemed like work to try and watch a movie or do something "fun" b/c it just seemed so futile and worthless. I was still getting bad headaches, my brain felt like it was on fire almost all day long, and I was angry and pissed off most of the time; I freaked out on people at work a few times and more than once someone asked me if there was something "going on" with me. It was not a good time and after an entire month from my jump I was beginning to wonder if I was doomed to a life of turmoil and pain.

I am happy to say that finally, finally finally finally finally,...I had more "better" days this past week than bad days. It was day 39, Tuesday July 7th, 2015, when I had my first experience of feeling like what I'm hoping "normal" feels like for me. 4PM in the afternoon rolled up on me and I realized that I couldn't remember worrying or being in pain for the past 3-4 hours. I realized I had become lost in my work, I accomplished tasks, interacted with people, went to meetings, and generally was a productive member of society and never once worried about how I was doing or thought about the always present thought I have had for the past few years that "the next moment could bring terrible anxiety and depression, so I always have to plan out my escape routes and exit strategies." It's funny b/c as soon as I had that realization I kind of panicked and had some anxiety/irritability issues the rest of the night. The rest of the week was hit or miss, with some issues sleeping still; Some nights I lay in bed for hours w/o being able to fall to sleep and other nights I can fall to sleep easily. I feel like I'm slowly getting my "normality" back a few minutes at a time. Each day seems to provide just a little bit more of sanity, but there are still sizeable periods of agony that overshadow the progress I've made. I'm doing my best to not let those moments deter me from moving forward, but they are a SOB and take all my will and strength to not crumble into a pile of misery and tears.

I saw my family doctor this past Thursday and let him know I was off of Subs, and he was very supportive. I actually printed out this entire thread as a reference point to talk about with him; We didn't really get into it that much, though. I asked for a referral to a Psych, which he gave me, but when it came time to schedule my appointment the office he referred me to explained to me over the phone, after I was 100% transparent about my mental health issues and past drug use, that they do not treat people with drug addiction problems and I would have to seek help elsewhere. I called my Doctor's office back for another referral and they explained I would be better off checking with my insurance to find a Psych who can treat me. So, that basically means I'm not going to do it. I put myself out there, was extremely vulnerable and transparent, and was rejected. It may sound insignificant to most, but that took a lot for me to attempt and make those appointments and explain where I was coming from. Perhaps it's a good thing. If I went to a Psych now I would take any pill they put me on in the hopes that it would miraculously make me a "new man." However, maybe if I were to get on some depression/anxiety meds it would continue the alteration of my mind that has been going on for the past 10-15 years. Maybe I just need more time for my brain to remember what homoeostasis is, or maybe I am broke and no amount of time will ever fix me?

I know without a doubt that my drug use, and Suboxone treatment, has left me with an inability to deal with normal stress and anxiety like most people can, which results in extreme headaches, panic attacks, lethargy, depression, and insomnia. I know there is a scientific explanation for the way my brain is behaving and the physical symptoms it produces in me. I know that this will likely be an uphill battle for the next year or so, if not longer. I know that I don't know what I'm going to feel like tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that. I hope, and I believe that given enough time I can find some semblance of the person I remember from my past, the person that was happy-go-lucky, a class clown, a joy to be around, positive and optimistic.

Guys/Gals, I'm certainly doing better than I was a couple weeks ago, but the progress is slow. This is so different than coming off of H/Oxy, but then again I was never on H/Oxy for 7-years straight w/o a break.

I love you guys. I don't know any of you, but my heart is with each of you. Still here, still trying, still moving forward. Talk to ya next week.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2015 12:17 pm 
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Oh Boogie! First, thank you for those kind words! More importantly, don't give up on finding a good psychiatrist who has experience with addiction. A good one will be so helpful to you on this journey! Is it possible that you are dealing with untreated clinical depression and that you turned to drugs and self medicating to escape? Please do not live with depression without trying a medical intervention! You deserve to be feeling happy and to have joy in your life! Sooo consider yourself hugged and think about what I have said. I know at least two really good people who are Psych/Sub Abuse here in NJ. I'm not sure where you are but there are good people all over the Country. It was so good to hear how you are! Please keep posting about your amazing journey!


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2015 3:52 pm 
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I am happy for you that you've finally started to feel better. :)

I'm sorry that the referral to psych didn't go well and made you feel vulnerable. We still love you, even if some psychiatrists don't want to deal with addicts. I'm glad you're sticking around!

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 21, 2015 5:11 am 
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Thanks boogi,I'm still dropping a mil at a time and I hope I can get through the w/DS I've got issues at home now with my wife and we are probably devorcing after 13 years of marrage, so right now my coming off sub's is the least of my worries.anyway good luck to u boogie.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2015 9:23 pm 
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Day-56

god damn man, imhurten, everything I'm bout to say sounds so petty compared to the shit you just dropped. I'm so sorry you have to go through the pain of a divorce. My thoughts are with you.

Michelle & Amy, thanks for the support, much love.

Two weeks later and I'm still about the same place I was when I last posted. Very unmotivated, very "meh," very don't give a f***. Headaches continue to decrease in intensity, now they are just dull and very annoying, and they happen randomly instead of around the same time every day.

I've lost my will to destroy my competitors, which was my favorite part about Subs for the past 7-years, which I only now realize was the subs b/c I thought it was just who I was. I longed to prove people wrong, to accomplish and achieve everything, to always be better than I was yesterday, now I'm just trying to make it through the day. I still feel like "there's gonna be a day when I feel better, a day when I feel like being 100% is normal again." I fear I will never reach that day again.

People (addicts) often use the term "normal," and are questioned about their idea of what normal is, but here is my definition: Normal means to not feel like you are in pain every single day. It means to not feel like something is terribly wrong every day! I don't want to feel like something is wrong with me everyday, which I still feel like. I mean, definitely, I don't feel as horrible as I did the first couple weeks, but this sludge, this deep slime of a swamp I'm living in now is fucked!!! I'm sorry, f***ed. I mean, my sense of humor is coming back, but God Damn am I a pessimist! I think everything sucks and everyone sucks! I Hate! (Patton Oswald, if you have Netflix, watch his standup.)

Whatever,...lol. To be transparent, I've drank a few times since my last post, and man does it feel good. So now I've something else to guard against. My Mom was and is an Alcoholic, so I know it's in my blood to love everything that makes me feel good. I only had a few beers, but I can't remember feeling that way off a few beers since I was in college! When I was on Sub I couldn't get drunk, no matter how hard I tried, now,...3 beers and I'm ghosted. It's a horrible thought, but would I rather be an Alcho...nevermind. Forget I said that. I'm not thinking str8 tonight.

I've said it b4, and I'll say it again: I'm still here, still Sub free, and still hoping 4 a better day. Shitz still rough, but it could be worse. Much love to all you, I know you, you know me, we're pretty much the same person. I'm in your corner, thanks for staying in mine. Thank God it's the weekend....

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2015 10:52 pm 
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Four days after this post I broke down and had an absolute nightmare of a panic attack, left work, called my Dad and got my leftover script back, and went back on Sub. I've been on 0.5-1.0mg since (roughly.)

...Two months without anything! Two months and I was loosing my grip with reality, losing my job, losing my friends, losing my will to live. I wasn't who I wanted to be, I hated life and I kept having dark, dark thoughts. I truly believe there is something deeper going on in my brain than just the Sub addiction. I'm looking for some kind of help, but it's hard to find for someone with my history; Doctors are scared of me, they think I'm med seeking and don't want to lose their license, and I was told by another Psych that they don't accept patients with addiction problems; WTF?

I would like to apologize to everyone who supported me during my time of need for letting them down. If it means anything I've only used Suboxone since my last post, never my DOC. I say this b/c I feel like I let myself down also, I hate it.

Since going back on Sub I still feel like shit every day. It's like quitting the Sub so abruptly (I was told on the forum I quite at a high dose of 2mg) broke something in my brain and going back on it only keeps me from going over the deep end, I still feel like somethings extremely wrong, every day, there is a burning sensation and I feel so, so "wrong."

I wish we knew more about this drug, more about the long term effects and how to return to a life without it.

I'm posting again in hopes that I can taper slower and jump again. At the very least I'm still 1mg lower than when I started my initial jump, so maybe that's a good thing. I'm so sorry guys...

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2015 9:41 am 
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Oh Boogie! There will NEVER be any judgement from me! I am so happy that you are here telling us your story! Everyone walks in different shoes and I know, with the way you had and are feeling, that your shoes are much bigger than mine! You have not returned to your drug of choice and that makes you a hero in my book! In my humble opinion being on a maintenance med and taking it as prescribed is being clean! I know we talked about you finding a good psych dr. to talk to. Have you had any luck? Please keep posting my friend!


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