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 Post subject: 1 year clear
PostPosted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 10:30 am 
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May 25th marked my 1 year suboxone free anniversary. It has been and still is an interseting and rewarding journey. I was on subs for 4 years and tapered from 32mg to .75mg after being on methadone the previous couple of years. The transition from methadone still remains the most difficult thing that I've ever gone through, although mine was a poorly informed, reckless transition that led to a nasty precipitated w/d.

Anyway, NA has definitely helped me a ton in getting and staying clean. Looking back, I think it is safe to say that even suboxone helped me a ton in this regard, even though I never felt that staying on it was for me. I was however able to get my life in order while on subs, but I would not have been able to do that without NA. I didn't find NA until a year after I started subs and that first year was turmoil and full of OC slip ups and petty (and some not so petty) crime.

When I was ready to jump last year I had planned to get through all the tough stuff with ibogaine's help. My plan did not go as planned and I was a stugglin'. After taking 2 weeks off of work to do the ibogaine and readjust, I had to return to the corporate world and was in no condition to do so. I ended up on benzos and that was a little bit of a bumpy ride. A month and a half in I tried to quit those and it wasn't happening. I took a 1 week medical leave that ended up being for naught since it ended in me conceding to the fact that I needed the benzos to return to work. Six months later I got off of the benzos and toughed it out while working. It wasn't so bad, but I was anxious as hell first thing in the mornings and those hungry little receptors were clamoring for an opiate, however, I pushed through. I would like to mention that I was in and around the NA rooms still while on benzos, but was sort of a pariah even though there were a few who understood and "kept their arm around me" if you will. Thank God some people know how to show empathy, love and compassion....I just hope to return the favor.

Sorry for writing a novel, but I haven't posted on here in quite some time and I just wanted to put my experience out there.

So after the benzos I did not seek out an anti-depressant since I know myself to not be depressed, but only experiencing the pangs of not having that coping mechanism after 8 years of continually having something, 7.5 of them opiates. I did use some sleep aids, namely unisom or valerian, but the thing that helped me sleep and function best was no doubt exercise. A lot of times it was the only thing that would get the happy chemicals going. I also eat very healthy, a habit that started long before jumping as I was looking to get the upper-hand in as many ways as possible.

Getting to today.....

After a year clear of subs and six months altogether clean, I feel basically ok. The mornings still suck for a couple of hours sometimes, but it always passes and I usually feel pretty good throughout most of the day. Exercise, sunshine and interacting with others in a personal (NA, family) and/or recreational (disc golf 8)) manner all really help. I sleep like clockwork from about 11:30 to 6am but I've yet to be able to sleep in. Even if I go to bed at 2am I am up at 6am raring to go, albeit often full of anxiety and a little bit of that paws feeling.

Life is not that bad today and I feel grateful to be clean considering there were many days when I imagined that it would not be possible. Even so, deep down there has long been a quiet voice encouraging me to move forward doing the right things even when feeling beatdown and hopeless.

I am 31 years old and am in good physical condition and am not depressed. I understand that not everyone is in the same boat and am therefore one of those few people around NA that would work with someone where they are at and not send that vibe that you are not clean, or I am cleaner than you are. One of my hopes is to change the recovery landscape some regarding maintenace drugs through sharing my story and being an example. I believe if you want to get off of the stuff it is definetly possible...if you aren't ready yet that is fine...if you don't want to and are just trying to live a good life, that is fine too; but if I can get off of subs AND feel good then I want others to know it is a possibility just as I am sure some of you who still post here want to do the same.

Congrats to those who have gotten off of subxone, those who are working to get off of it and those who are living a better life because of it.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 11:36 am 
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Hey BB6152009,

Welcome back and Happy 1 Year Anniversary off of Suboxone!!

I really liked reading your post, I could identify with a lot of it. Learning to live with ourselves NOT on drugs is quite the challenge sometimes. Some of us have spent years and years using drugs to prop us up or to numb us or we used for whatever reason and when we decide to eliminate them from our lives, all of sudden reality hits and we're like :shock: . We realize quickly that we suck at dealing with reality and we're left with the choice of going back to drugs or learning a new way of life.

I think this is my favorite part of your post, "deep down there has long been a quiet voice encouraging me to move forward doing the right things even when feeling beatdown and hopeless." I have that same little voice in my head and I'm glad that I do.

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Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 11:48 am 
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I love the truth of your post BB, its always nice to get it out there..

just wanted to say that disc golf has been huge for me so far coming off these subs

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my first day a guy asked me how i was doing, i said terriable bro, he said hang in there. I said well how do I do that, he said just let go....


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 Post subject: Disc golf is the shit.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 1:14 pm 
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What a great post! Thank you for sharing.. it really is a struggle some times but worth it for some. Everything you said was pretty spot on. Congrats on your time away from drugs and moving forward.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 06, 2013 9:54 am 
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Thanks y'all.

TD - I read some of your posts and that is just incredible stuff! I could identify with so much and it is interesting to think about the fact that others were out there going through very similar experiences even though we can get caught up in the "go it alone" frame of mind. Congratulations on your great progress thus far!

I am looking forward to a weekend of hangin' with some good ppl and having good clean fun throwing my Dominator 400ft off into the sunset straight toward the chains! Well, maybe only 250ft :( , but working on it.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 06, 2013 10:40 am 
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Hey there BB,

What a great post. Really encouraging stuff! However, I have NO IDEA what the heck disc golf is!!!! Whatever it is, I'm sure it's awesome and I'm equally sure I would suck at it.

I'm going to google right now...


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