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 Post subject: WOW.....MY AWAKENING!
PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 8:54 am 
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Amazing what happens when one writes, the natural progression toward things in life left untouched for years, hurts numbed by abuse. Sort of a self preservation program I had set up, of course never intending to hurt anyone else, but to protect a part of my new self. I had become a LIAR, hiding the new me, the addict. But hey, one lie leads to another, and it's a vicious circle, a merry go round that keeps you from communicating honestly for fear of exposing yourself by past LIES! So, I have some cleaning to do.

This is day 9, longest I have ever been clean since the beginning of my nightmare. Emotions are BARE, and then the fight between who I realize I had become, and the very near memory now of who I was.....AM. I feel my spirit stretching for the first time in years, able to see the FREEDOM that comes by trudging through the mess I've made of me, the PROSPECT of a righteous life again. I WANT this, and pray I can TRULY do what need to be done so that I can be a useful man again. An honest man.

WOW, what a ride...


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 12:55 pm 
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Wow, this is great!!

I don't think many people can express their feelings into words, as you have! This just goes to show how much you truly want this and how determined you are!

This is a great place to write things down and document your journey. Happy 9 days & congratulations!!


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 3:21 pm 
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Many thanks mama for your kind words, a ton of emotions are bombarding me. Wife has always thought it was just a Pisces thing, lol.

Today is another REALLY rough day, when will this end! Forcing myself to keep busy, thought mowing a couple acres would do the trick, NOT.

Couple days ago feeling like death, I jumped on the bike and took a highway trip that fired off those forgotten endorphins, riding a tractor just won't cut it! Music (which I claim to feel instead of listen) seems to help, as well as writing these things here.

Road weary, but sniffing the fumes of success....;>)


Last edited by RYD2L1V on Tue Oct 29, 2013 8:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 3:29 pm 
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Hi R2D2,

Welcome to the forum!!!

What dose of Suboxone did you jump from? How long were you on it? Did you taper at all? If you can answer these questions, we can be of more help to you.

I loved your first post, it reminded me of where I was a few years ago when I quit Suboxone. You sure brought back some memories, man.

Yes, writing your thoughts out helps a lot. Simply thinking them isn't "concrete" enough. Somehow writing things out helps those thoughts and feelings to settle into their correct place.

BTW, say hi to C3PO for me. I think you and him are da bomb!!

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Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 3:36 pm 
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So are you ready to live? Or are a machine like R2D2? Because I can go all the way with a metaphor!! :)

Just injecting a little humor into your currently difficult existence. I'm sorry your emotions are feeling so raw and vulnerable, although it's just one of the phases you have to pass through to get to a healthier mind and body.

I wish you the best. Keep talking to us and we will try to help along the way.

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 7:40 pm 
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Amy and Romeo, many thanks. Will try to answer in order so Romeo first. On Suboxone for 5 years, Subutex actually, started on 8mg three times a day, worked my way down through the years where I could get by on most days on 2mg, many times 4. Tapered many times, even took the jump, just wasn't ready yet so I upped again.......back to status quo, numb and righteous. Ok, so my deep seeded PROBLEM with subs were that I discovered there was a consciousness I had but was not able to tune into it! THAT ME WAS GONE!?! I never realized it until I was off of them for about 3 days in what seemed like hell. The CLARITY was intense. This cant be just me? I would have argued that I was all the way engaged('normal')when I took the subs. I never forgot that quickening, my awakening, so a huge part of my motivation lies here, in the reality of coming to see that I wasn't who I thought I was, and that I was cheating myself, and maybe others, of the real me. The BEST me. Perhaps not as good as another person, but MY best.

Hi Amy, thanks again for the encouraging words. So YES, ready to LIVE life tuned in! Appreciate your simple understanding of connecting/accepting/acknowledging/releasing/dealing with these emotions I have denied for years. I somehow realized the importance of me dealing with this, I told my wife that I wont go back, I have a ton invested here, no more wasted time so pop some popcorn, kick back and let me entertain you with all of my over the top feelings on full display. SEXY BABY! ;>)

There's a lot more work in doing this than I ever imagined, I was single minded, stuck in one dimensional thinking parameters and had all of my focus on just quitting the subs, get clean and I'm righteous.....NOT! On the other hand, all of this cleaning house certainly keeps my mind busy, thankfully with some of the clarity I enjoy living with(albeit sick, heck of a combination). I tell you true, its like an old friend, clarity. I'm still in what has to be a common beginning here, mentally and emotionally? The journey of a thousand miles...

Thanks again to both of you. FYI, this may be the best I have felt all day, writing, interacting, listening to others who can relate.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 9:02 pm 
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I can so relate! Excuse my language, but getting off of long term opiates, is the biggest mind f*ck ever. The phase your in was quite fun, IMO. Sure you've got the withdrawal symptoms still active and fresh, but the mental part is quite a trip. I enjoyed bathing in all those emotions. I called it "being inspired in a manic kind of way." I got that from a song that my friend wrote while he was getting sober and it stuck. I listened to the song and I knew exactly what he was referring to.

I felt a similar kind of clarity when I first went on suboxone and stopped all illicit drug use, but the next round of clarity (when stopping subs) was something I didn't prepare for, or know would happen. The brain's way of adjusting to life without opiates is....... is like fireworks going off in your head. You mentioned music.. that was a big one for me. Are you laughing? I found everything hilarious at the time. God that felt good..

Welcome! Please feel free to continue spewing your "brain diarrhea" :lol: .


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 9:04 pm 
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So you came off at 2-4mg? If I'm gathering correctly? Everyone's different, but that dose seems to keep WD's around a little longer. Maybe 2 weeks? I'll shut up because I have no idea. I came off of .25 and .5 the time before.

You are NOT alone!!! The first time I felt clarity was AMAZING. I couldn't believe it! My husband kept telling me Suboxone was why I could sleep 10 hours and still be exhausted, unmotivated, cranky(okay I was a bitch). I wasn't me at all. I thought opiates had changed me and hell, I am who I am! NOPE! I'm back to me again. Well, I'm definitely getting there. I'm not irritable like I was even to comparison, back to being compassionate, I don't get mad at the stupidest things anymore, I laugh I cry and for REAL not just feeling badly for myself. It's so great.

I'm so happy you're feeling great, in terms of your clarity and finding YOU. Hang in there! The WD's will subside soon and this'll all be a memory. But let it be a memory you truly remember. This'll be the real test for you and your mind!


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 8:55 am 
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I really cant express my appreciation for your thoughts here, and your insights. Connecting with you all is good medicine for me. This disease can make you feel like the Lone Ranger for sure.

Got a little more sleep last night, but woke up with a head full of thoughts, just not used to waking up clear headed. So the mind travels all those damned roads that I have been detouring for years, and wow. So there I go blazing down a long familiar road, and all of a sudden something in the distance starts to come into focus, and I can no longer stop this ride, I am forced to look, I am forced to feel, and although it feels good to feel, some of these new/old roads are really shitty. I have to believe that at some point I will travel some of those roads that are righteous, but maybe my mind is dealing with what I have the most buried, disowned? I cant help but feel as if I am being prepared for something.

Thanks again.


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