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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:01 am 
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I've been on suboxone now for about 3 1/2 years (since the first week of December 2008). During that time I've continued to work heavy-duty with my individual therapist. I have issues (way before my addiction) including PTSD from sexual assaults and child abuse to major depressive disorder (not to mention chronic physical conditions). I believe my difficulty with those issues led me to numb myself with drugs. I'm 46 now and didn't get hooked on opiates until I was about 38 or so. But as a younger adult, I used a lot of drugs recreationally. (Or should I say abused them recreationally? I say recreationally because it never became a dependency and never interfered with my life.)

Anyway, in the last 3.5 years I've come a helluva long way. I'm calmer and happier; I get less angry than I used to; my temper is much slower to react. I feel more confident in myself and generally just better overall about myself. I actually LIKE myself for the first time in my life. I'm also much easier to get along with, and that applies to everyone - my family, friends, AND strangers. Suffice to say it's a HUGE change in me from who I used to be PRE-addiction.

Part of me attributes some of this to just getting older, wiser, and more comfortable in my own skin. But I also credit a huge chunk of this positive change in me to going through addiction, including living through active addiction. It changed me and because I went through that hell and made it out successfully through to the other side, I feel stronger because of it. Do any of you feel the same?

Because of this - and I know this is where I might lose some of you - I would actually go through it ALL again just to achieve the personal growth I've acquired through this addiction. And I'll ask again, do any of you feel the same way? Or was your active addiction just too horrible?

This isn't something that just popped into my head one day. I've thought about this a lot over the last several months/year. Seeing the change in me caused me to want to figure out what precipitated it and I'm thoroughly convinced it really was the fact that I went through the hell of addiction and survived through it and am still in remission 3.5 years later. I would most definitely do it all over again, hellish as it was, to get to where I am now. It was worth it.

Thoughts?

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 11:11 am 
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If God came to me and said, "Romeo, I'm going to give you a chance to re-live your life" I'd say No Thanks Big Guy, I like things just the way they are and the only reason things are "just the way they are" is because of everything I've went through.

Who knows, had I not used all those drugs over the years, I may have turned out to be a major asshole? :lol:

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:11 pm 
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Well said Romeo,,,, the FIRST part. LOL

I feel the same way for sure.

Growing up, was no easy task for me, I mean as a kid. I hated school, even though I got pretty good grades. I just had this conversation with somebody a week or so ago, they said, "dont you wish you could go back to when you were a teenager and have a do-over?"

Um, NO.
Being a teenager was awful, for me. I was SOOOOO different. I was one of those "late bloomers" I guess you could say. I had a lot of "guy friends" becuase I raced cars at the local dirt track with my grandpa, my only "saving grace" The track actually closed when I was 16 (you could race at 14) and thats when things kinda got fucked up.

Anyways, I found an older crowd of people that accepted me, and they had 'fun'
I was actuallly living on my own, at 16, in a 5th wheel, in a rented space in a trailer park. I couldnt get along with my stepdad, and everything "bad" I did, he blamed my mom for, so my mom asked me to move out. I moved back with my grandma and grandpa at 18, when they found out about my meth adiction.
dont ask me how THAT works, I quit methamphetamine fairly easily. Went to detox, and some outpatient, was done with it.

I then went to trade school, and got into the carpenters union.
The first time I screwed up my back pouring concrete, they gave me oxy's. I had blue cross blue shield insurance, and that was pretty much all the doctors wanted to do.
Well needless to say, the more I worked , the more problems I had.
Had carpol tunnel surgery at 21. Diagnosed with arthritus in my back around age 24, had a bad car wreck at 27.

I could go on and on, and alot of you have heard some of this before.

For the longest time, I was a 'functional addict'
I dont know what changed, but all of a sudden it seemed like I just COULDNT STOP.
I lied, cheated, stole anything/everything I could, and I stole just about everything I could from my grandmother (gpa died in 04)
the only person, that was still "around" for me, in this viscous cycle of addiction.

The day she asked me if I needed help, I couldnt even speak.
She had figured out I used a credit card of hers, and racked up about 5g's in debt, in a little over a month.
She was upset,
really upset,
and says
"I love you more than anything, but this cannot go on"
" I want to help you, but Ive been thru this with your granfather and uncle, and YOU have to want it"
I will be here when you are ready, and until then, I cannot give you anything, not even a dollar.

I could tell it was like the hardest thing she probly ever said to somebody.
and I was ready for help. I knew she was gonna find out about that credit card, I think it mightve been my "cry for help"
I had heard about suboxone, but didnt think twice about it, until around this time. I had already tried the methadone thing, I actually had been getting two dif Rx's from two diff doctors, for "pain"
but I REALLY liked to take WAY too much. lol
and I tried to quit a few times, with nothing, just taper and quit. but it never worked. and the last time it happend, when I used agian, I started using a needle. I remember thinking, if Im gonna be a junkie, IM gonna be a GOOD one.

I hear people say "recovery isnt sopposed to be easy"
You know, we didnt lose everything overnight, and its not gonna come back overnight either.
I think this WHOLE journey (still going) has made me the person I am.
I HOPE to god, I'll be able to send my son down a different path.
Ive promised myself, I'll remember (for his sake) that being a teenager isnt EASY , especially when your diferent, and you live in a rural area like mine.
and if he does fuck up, like I did,
well I'll already have a masters degree in 'what to do' like my grandma did,
instead of just burrying my head in the sand like my mom did.

I wear my recovery like a badge of honor.
I dont care who knows about it, and people that ask me about it, Im more than happy to tell them, becuase maybe it'll help someone ??????
Many, many people out there have NO CLUE what they are getting into with pain pills, or anything else for that matter.

I was in active addiction for about 10 years, and I know I'll never be the same.
I also think,
I had to go through that, to be HERE, today. to not take what I have NOW for granted. which from the outside looking in, doesnt look like much, but its a WHOLE LOT TO ME.

got my top teeth yanked out yesterday. already had my bottoms done. next month I'll have dentures on top, and a partial on the bottom.
NO PAIN PILLS.
you know, the top doesnt hurt too bad!!!! the bottom was rEALLY painful, cuz I had an active infection, when they were chipped/cut out. most of them were broken. Anyways, Im so happy this has been a breeze compared to the bottom. he left me 4 front teeth to eat with til my denture is ready. so I look pretty funny, but OH WELL. soon I'll have a bright new smile to go with my bright shiny recovery.
one year, 13 days and counting

thanks for letting me share, YOU all are awesome here.

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its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 3:19 pm 
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Hi everyone...

I am still kind of thinking about this, but it is a really good question. I really believe as you all said before me, that I wouldn't be who I am today without going through what I went through. I want to believe that God will use this part of my life to help someone else eventually. I might never know, but I pray He lets me see it when it all comes together. If you think about it, everything we went through has to effect SOMEONE. Even if it is only our family or close friends...it doesn't have to be a large scale program or ministry or rehab center. Just to know that what I did will keep my kids from picking up a pill or God forbid a needle. That is enough for me. In fact...that is exactly what I want. When the time is right and they are old enough to understand I will tell them exactly what I did and how bad it hurt me and everyone around me. And hopefully it will keep them away from using like I did. I am so scared that they will be addicts like me...I won't give them any medicine with anything addictive at all in it unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary. Maybe this is extreme, but I don't think so. I remember my first darvocet when I was about 13 years old. My mom gave it to me for a bad case of cramps, bad decision. That was the first time I ever felt that nice little opiate buzz and thought, "this is nice." I bugged my mom every chance I got to give me another one for whatever reason I could come up with. Then as a teenager I got shingles...percocet was my friend for a couple months. I was not an addict yet, but remember well those first experiences with pain pills and I don't want my kids to have access to feeling that if I can help it.

I guess that is my answer. I know that all of us who are parents can relate to feeling this way. If I had to go through this just to give a tangible example to my kids then it was all worth it. I would do it again and again and again if it meant keeping them away from dealing with this pain.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:13 pm 
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I would take the second chance 100%

The only reason why is to take back all the pain i caused my mom!

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:58 pm 
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wow to b young again, sounds soo good seeing i will b 40 in a matter of days. so would i go there again and re live a life of addiction since i was 15? i have been on suboxone since the end of feb. i have taken 5 vik a few weeks ago cause of my bad shoulder/elbow. didnt feel them was also so regretful for failing. i also have smoked some weed. was told today by my therapist that was not allowed while in the program. sobriety is so important to me and can honestly say that subs have really changed my life. its wierd to b out of the chasing pills scene. i am mother of 4. i say i was not a good example but a horrible warning for my children. i too worry about the genetics of the addict, monitoring what medicine they take, talking about their greater chances in being an addict, etc. luckily i have two older girls (one 20 the other 19) that have so far chosen the right path. doing well in life. i have a son 14 (so far so good) and a daughter 10 who sometimes i take extra talks with because i see some things with her personality that scares me. so i would not go back unless i could change my behavior because of the pain i have caused them. i am not even sure if i am doing the right thing now. i know that the choice of being off pills is right, but now the therpasit is saying to b excited about recovery. (romoe you sound so excited wish i had that) i dont feel like i am succeeding in that area. i am thankful not to have a do over. i just need a make over for the future?


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 6:02 pm 
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i went to re read and it was amber4 that was so excited about recovery that i was envious of :oops: but romeo your post are always a very good read! and hat thank you for being here too u all r awesome


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:08 pm 
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you gotta WORK at staying excited about recovery.


Might sound NUTS, but you gotta "make a life worth living" without the drugs. cuz lets face it, the drugs were fun, at least in the begining, rite???

Its not easy, but its worth it. Im always trying to do something new.
To go see a play, or meet new people. Lately Ive been looking into buying a dirt bike or 4 wheeler.

I think this is the MOST important part (besides not relapsing)

if we get bored in recovery, you know like just going to work and paying bills, then eventually you KNOW you are doomed to fail.

So, it doesnt just 'come to me' to be excited, I work at it, but it IS WORTH IT

oh and I forgot to put in my post earlier that, early in recovery, It was REALLY tough for me, but I think it was a good thing, its showed me "what Im really made of"
you know, how much heart I really got, and if I really wana do something, I can.

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its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 11:25 pm 
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Hey wisharer, I read your first post and I was kinda like Huh? Then I read your second post and laughed because it all made sense then! Amber does have a great level of excitement about her recovery and it's infectious.

I'm glad you talked about your children and how your experience with addiction could be used to steer them clear of its pitfalls. That's another reason I wouldn't change anything about my life.....I have a 12 year old daughter who can benefit greatly from my experience with addiction. When I quit Suboxone, she was 10, it was summer time, she was out of school and I had her stay home with me to see exactly what drugs had done to me by watching me go through some of my wd. She was great, she took care of me the best she could AND she got an awesome lesson in why she shouldn't do drugs.

Her and I were talking just the other night and she asked me if I prayed at night, I answered yes and I asked her if she prayed at night and she said, "Yeah, I pray your PAWS will go away soon." I kinda laughed and said that my PAWS were basically gone and she said, "then why are you crabby still sometimes?" Goodness gracious she made me laugh when she said that. My daughter and my awesome wife are part of the reason I wouldn't change anything about my life. If I did do the "do over", chances are I would have never met my wife and had my goofy daughter.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 9:43 am 
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in a way i think i became more of an ass hole, on the wiser side of cores '. i also believe God is involved
and then we kick ass in a much more poss- wiser and understanding way. it's just going off meds i would like to do some day
if god want's it that way, i don't no. the big word (FAITH) every one has faith. i like this thread. the only thing i do not like about my self is the i have been with my family and others". in a way i feel i don't have the feelings i used to have before.
i think its the antidepr- i'm taking but that has to be o.k. it's doing me good i hope and that is what matters the most.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 3:23 pm 
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johnboy wrote:
in a way i think i became more of an ass hole, on the wiser side of cores '. i also believe God is involved
and then we kick ass in a much more poss- wiser and understanding way. it's just going off meds i would like to do some day
if god want's it that way, i don't no. the big word (FAITH) every one has faith. i like this thread. the only thing i do not like about my self is the i have been with my family and others". in a way i feel i don't have the feelings i used to have before.
i think its the antidepr- i'm taking but that has to be o.k. it's doing me good i hope and that is what matters the most.




Johnboy theres a great chance that the suboxone is the reason you dont fell those feelings. I wont clutter tthis thread but checkout there are alot of threads/members that are numb to life and emotions bc of suboxone.

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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2012 3:53 pm 
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No, because I think my use cost me a few years and set me back. The real question is would I have been able to avoid it? Not sure. I do agree that the overall experience has made me a stronger person, but more importantly it has given me even more empathy for others struggling. I have always had a strong sensitivity for any type of people suffering, but now I have a very personal understanding of it.

At the same time, I know I got off lucky and I also know that the reality of it is I caught and stopped my addiction pretty quickly. Sounds crazy considering I was using for most of my teens and 20s (not hard drugs until later). It can always gets worse.


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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2012 8:06 pm 
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Ask me in 5 years time ...

At this stage, I haven't had much a chance to apply my new found wisdom, other than helping little old ladies who've locked their keys in their car.


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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2012 8:11 pm 
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I'm glad a lot of you responded with your own feelings about this. I still say if I could go back and avoid the whole addiction period in my life, but lose the progress that I made as a human being, I wouldn't do it. I'd take the misery of my addiction to be where I am now personally.

But I completely understand the cost of addiction and why some people don't see it the same way. Or like TJ alluded to, maybe it's a matter of time away from active addiction to get a certain perspective or something.

Let's keep discussing this....

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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