It is currently Tue Aug 22, 2017 9:25 am



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 19 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 1:01 am 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:11 pm
Posts: 8
[font=Comic Sans MS] [/font]
hey everyone,
my story is pretty much the same as everyone elses. started small, ended badly...i started suboxone a little over 2 weeks ago and it has been a life saver! i'm currently on 2-3 strips/day.
let me give a little background about how i ended up where i'm at today. at the end of november i was fired from my job because of my drug addiction. i'm a registered nurse, so that's a pretty big deal. i cashed in my retirement, had a great Christmas, and bought lots of pills! my former employer has refused to allow me to have unemployment, which really sucks because now i'm totally broke. my husband is still working, but without my income, we are drowning in debt right now. i'm just in a really bad place right now. home alone all day, answering (sometimes) calls from creditors, thinking entirely too much, worrying entirely too much, etc etc... the only good thing right now is that i'm on suboxone, and off the pills. i hope to be able to figure out how to get this unemployment BS figured out, so i can more easily move forward in my recovery. i've already been to treatment in the past for alcoholism, but quiting drinking was nothing compared to quitting opiods!
anyways, i could go on forever about how crappy life is right now for me, but i'll spare you guys. if anybody wants to throw some encouraging words, words of wisdom, support, whatever my way, i'd appreciate it a lot. especially other nurses that might be out there. and if anyone has any questions for me, feel free to ask! i just need all the support i can get right now, and figured i'd be sure to find some here.
thanks :(


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:05 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:39 am
Posts: 4028
Location: Sitting at my computer
Hi bustedRN,

I'm glad you found the forum. You will undoubtedly find a lot of support here regarding your situation and regarding suboxone.

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you, I really am.

I know this, suboxone will give you the opportunity to get some, if not all of that back. I don't know how bad you've hurt yourself with your former boss letting you go? I don't know if that stays on your "record" forever, but I know you taking suboxone is a GREAT first step.

Congratulations on quitting drinking!!! And, of course, getting off full agonist opiates!!!

Again, welcome to the forum!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 8:53 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Feb 17, 2010 10:03 pm
Posts: 991
Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us and I am so sorry for what you are going through. There are others on this site with similar situations.

You may want to consider looking into nursing jobs that do not involve hospitals, clinics, or patients. Like a research job or case management job. Secondly, you may well qualify for social security disability because addiction is a disease. I would apply now just in case. An attorney will tell you if you have a chance at it or not. Did your former employer have a shhort or long term disability plan? Check the eligibility for that as well. This is a disease. It qualifies. Other than that, I must admit you are likely in a very tough financial spot without much way out at the moment.

Congrats on the sub treatment however. That is a huge deal and will give you your life back if you allow it to. I am a vocational consultant so if you get stuck on career options, let me know and I will see what I can do to help you figure this out.

Again, I am so sorry.

Cherie

_________________
Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

- Winston Churchill


Top
 Profile  
 
Our Sponsors
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 8:55 am 
Offline
3 Months or More
3 Months or More

Joined: Thu Jan 13, 2011 10:55 am
Posts: 94
I've lost it all myself. A career, retirement, reputation.

The only chance I have is a life without pills. That's the only chance I've got. And it won't be easy even then.

But know this without pills you have a chance.

_________________
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;
the most massive characters are seared with scars."
Khalil Gibran


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 9:49 am 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:11 pm
Posts: 8
thank you! i wasn't sure about the disease part working for me yet. i mean, i know it's a disease, but some of the stuff i've read from the ADA disqualified chemical dependancy until the person had been in recovery for a significant length of time and stuff...anyways, yeah, suboxone is the only positive thing that's happened for me in awhile. and tonight i am going to a peer support group for nurses. i'm excited, hopefully i can get some pointers on unemployment and employment for that matter!!!!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 1:08 pm 
Offline
Super-Duper Poster
Super-Duper Poster

Joined: Thu Nov 25, 2010 6:39 pm
Posts: 311
Hi, congrats on starting sub. That is great first step..and getting off opiates. And stopping alcohol. You have done that in the past so holding onto some self efficacy know you can do this, too.

I, too, lost pretty much everything...I was a CRNA, and after a second relapse voluntarily turned in my licenses. I posted my story under methadone maintenance (titled three days off methadone or something like that) and also posted my "bottom" story under Misc. Sub. Before Sub I had been almost 3 years in a methadone program....had five years clean prior to that and relapsed a third time after my divorce....and when I lost custody despite being clean and sober. It was after that relapse that I went on methadone and in Nov. I made the much needed switch to Sub for which I am very grateful.

Prior to turning in my licenses after that 2nd relapse in 1999 I was licensed in three states because I was doing locums -so that made it even more challenging...I currently have a job offer to do anesthesia...its a job that will allow me to utilize a lot of the skills I have (regional anesthesia techniques etc) but I won't be around narcotics and I won't be prescribing. I have a lot footwork to do in order to get licensed. I am in a place now where I am trying to decide what the right thing for me to do is.....do I continue the footwork and try to get my license back and take this job...which is a great opportunity with a small group that will be fun and lucrative...and tomorrow I am going to tell the director about my recovery...I've talked to a few trusted friends in recovery about this and because of the nature of the grou (very small and intimate) and because it is effecting whether or not I'll be fully licensed to practice I believe they need to know the truth about my history. The director is a great guy and we have talked so much about our personal philosophies that if he were to find out about my recovery someplace else I think he'd lose all respect for me. I would feel much better being congruent in all areas of my life...I got fired from my last job because they found out about the methadone. Or do I work on building my psych practice...or both.... During the past 5 years I got my Masters in psychology and have also been accepted in a Ph.D program. ( I want stay working in the addiction field and I am also adding forensics to the mix) I have a speciality practice treating medical professionals who are struggling with addiction. I feel lucky to have these options but I still have a lot of work to do in order to make a living at either practice.

I made a recent move and had a 3 day relapse on benzos (which is something I have only taken once before when presribed) and luckily fessed up and stopped that craziness. I realized that I had some work to do and needed to start dealing with some of my fears and other feelings that precipitate my using. I have been in a 12 step program off and on. For my first five years of sobriety I was really commited to the program, then got away from it...and now am back. For me a lot of the steps in that program help me stay clean and sober. For me I needed to understand why I used and then work on changing the areas in my life that just don't work any more.

I say this to you because it sounded a little bit like you are just stopping use and starting Sub, which is great and difficult to do, but that maybe you don't have any other support around you. Hopefully your husband is supportive but what I mean is many here on the forum find that just stopping use isn't enough to remain drug free. I believe that stopping use, while very difficult, is the easiest part of recovery.....it is living a life without the drugs and etoh that is challenging. Constantly challenging. I hated to admit that it wsa when I stopped working my program that I relapsed. I always resisted hearing that in AA when people would talk about their relapses. I still believe there are many ways to recover and AA or NA isn't the only way. I just know for me there certain things I must do in order to be emotionally healthy in recovery, not just drug free. Being drug free by itself...well....I'd be a mess. I also don't believe in every concept of AA/NA. I do believe recovery needs to be first for me because without it I really won't have any life. But sometimes there ARE other priorities....it depends on what is happening in my life. I only say this because I don't think that my way is the only way. I try to just write about what is working for me, my experiences, my mistakes and how I try to get help for those mistakes.

I understand how scary it is to have a profession ripped from you...I spent many years to get to working as a CRNA. I love the work and I miss it a lot. I also love doing psych and feel very fortunate to have been able to go back to school.
I think the job thing will work out for you...my experience is though that right now the priority needs to be your recovery. When that gets solid and when you get healthy you'll be ready for the next step. That doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't work right now....it just means focusing on recovery might be the more important place to be for now.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about anything specifically related to work....

I'm glad you found the forum. I've only been here a couple of months and have found a l ot of support...and feel like I can post any issue I have and get great feedback.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 2:30 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:11 pm
Posts: 8
thank you chinagirl for your response
what exactly is a CRNA? i know it's an anesthesia nurse, but what's the C for?? just a silly question for ya.
anyways, i really do appreciate you sharing your story with me. i do plan on going to treatment, in fact i will have to. what happened to me was that i had been pretty much blatently taking narcs out on my patients that had them. i didn't really divert them, well i guess i did, but what i mean is that i didn't say i gave them to my pt's, and then take them for my own use. i couldn't. it made me feel too guilty. if my patients needed their pain meds, they got them, and then i would take some more out for me. so i had a bunch of discrepencies in my documentation. they never had anything solid on me. i was never caught red handed, and i cheated on my UA, so my pee was clean. it baffled them! it was awesome! i thought there was no way they could fire me, when they had no cold, hard proof. no body, no murder right? well, i was wrong. they terminated me and turned me into the state. (i live in washington state) so, i finally realized that in order to keep my license, and prevent any further embarrassment (any action taken on my license would be publicized on the state website), i turned myself in to the state monitering program for health professionals with chemical dependancy. these wonderful people will basically run my life for possibly the next 5 years. yay for me. my manager and the HR bitch at work urged me to turn myself in, but there was no way i was going to allow the state to run my life unless i had no other option. so that's where i'm at. i do have a union rep that is fighting for me to be allowed unemployment and some other stuff. but everything is taking so long!! i appealled my denial of unemployment benefits, and represented myself in the hearing in a valient attempt to prove i was not guilty of misconduct (which is why my unemployment has been denied). i was once again denied. i've been offered a couple of jobs, but then when i tell them i'm enrolled in WHPS (washington health professionals services) they rescind their offers. we will be moving on to step 2 in my grievance with the union, and once again i will hope and pray that they will allow me unemployment, and more than likely i'll be let down again.

blah blah blah
the point i guess of all this, is that all of these stressors, especially the HUGE blow to my financial stability, really causes me to crave bad some days. i am allowed to take and extra sub if i'm having bad cravings, and it works great when i do. i also can hardly afford the subs and appts without income. and even though i will qualify for reduced rates at the treatment center, it will still be hard to afford that. i have every intention of going to treatment, and staying clean, but they're are definately days when i just want to go out and find some oxy's instead and get high.....

sorry, i feel like i rambled a bit....i just have so many different thoughts going through my head at the same time right now, it's hard to stay on track...


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 4:07 pm 
Offline
Super-Duper Poster
Super-Duper Poster

Joined: Thu Nov 25, 2010 6:39 pm
Posts: 311
I understand where you are coming from as far as a lot of stressors and craving...I do have to wonder though if your doctor said to take another sub if you are stressed or craving? That, to me, is the exact opposite of what Sub is for....when you get to the right dosage for you hopefully those cravings will significantly improve (although living life with stress and not turning to drugs to alleviate the emotional pain is challenging) Taking an extra sub is doing what we are used to doing....treat ourselves. You've only been on Sub a couple of weeks, I think you said? Your dose may not be high enough possibly..,...something to talk to your dr about. But taking an extra sub when we feel we need it sounds scary to me. Anybody else on the forum have thoughts about that? Did i misunderstand this?

Washington state can be hard core for sure....I used to work at Harborview in the TICU a long time ago. Before my using days.
I got started on opiates when someone introduced me to codeine cough syrup and thought hmmm...now isn't this interesting. Then my first "real" opiate was for migraines...then about a year later found myself using opiates daily...only a codeine 30mg once a day but then bam! started with fentanyl when my emotional pain got too intense and that pretty much cynched the nightmare for me.
I tried to go to NA and detox myself every weekend without success. Too difficult. And then got intervened luckily and although I went to treatment I went kicking and screaming and felt like a rat in a cage for the first 3 weeks. I didn't know how to deal, I didn't know what any of the sayings meant, such as 'trust the process'....I thought if I heard that one more time I might strangle someone. I felt so condescended to. and completely paranoid about treatment. I was a sick girl. I didn't know what I felt, didn't know what a feeling was, everything was about me and I was spoiled. I was a junkie..but I was different then the rest of them! HAHA. I learned quickly that I was not different. I had had more opportunities was the only real difference.

It sounds like treatment might be a good option for you, especially if you hadn't gone before when you quit drinking. I know its difficult right now when everything is up in the air and your life has been turned upside down...but try to just relax and do one thing each day that you can to move forward. The most important thing is that you save your life and not go back out. Don't use no matter what. That is the number one thing. I remember when I was going to NA and trying to talk to treatment facilities before I got intervened I wanted to know what exactly would happen with my license and I tried to control everything in order to save my ass from trouble. I wasn't married and had no support in a place I was not planning on living long (the midwest) as I was there for my anesthesai residency. I was terrified of everything. I, too, had to deal with a diversion portion of the board and I also got reported to the board at that time...I fell between the cracks so to speak because they were just starting the diversion program...so for whatever reason I got to have my name on that list, too. Oh well. Nothing I could do about it. The entire process was difficult for me...I didn't want to go to meetings and I had to go to 4/week and the way the ua thing was set up I had to call in everyday to see if it was my day for a ua and then try to make it all work...I'd drive some place an hour away to do the ua but I also had a 3 hour daily commute to work, and worked 10-12 hours on top of it. All I did for 2 years was recovery stuff it seemed and I was ungrateful....It was "too hard" and little did I know how easy I had it then. I had a great job and I was very lucky to have it. One thing I am happy about and that is I left that job in good standing. But looking back on it wow, what a baby I was!! Let me tell you, nothing good comes of going back out and using. Maybe a moments relief but it will never get better.

I hope you stick around the forum...there are a lot of really smart and helpful people here that will offer you lots of encouragement and wisdom. Thanks for telling your story.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: "extra sub"
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:43 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:11 pm
Posts: 8
hey chinagirl
i read through your story on the methadone maintainance forum. man, my heart truly goes out to you! you have had quite a struggle! i'm glad things seem to be going well for you in your recovery.

in response to me taking an extra sub when i need it...yeah, it probably isn't the right thing to do as far as medicating when i'm hurting, but i'll tell you what. it helps. being so early in my recovery, and having so many other things on my plate, if i just take another sub when i'm stressed and craving and it helps, i think it's ok for now. at least i'm not out looking for drugs. i will start tx soon, when i can afford it. and i did go through tx for alcoholism. at this particular point in my life (which i realize could be much much worse), the only positive thing that has happened for me has been suboxone. and i'm going to use it to help me as much as i can. i'm on 16mg/day, and then 24mg on the bad days. i've found mixed thoughts on how much one should be on. i would think that would be different for everyone...some say you don't need more that 8mg/day, then you mentioned maybe i'm not on a high enough dose. personally, i feel like 24mg works good for me, but the doc only gave me enough for 2.5 strips/day. i don't know, but for now i'm just going with what seems to be working at this particular point in time. i'm taking it day by day...


Top
 Profile  
 
   
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:53 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:55 pm
Posts: 4933
Location: Leesburg, FL
Busted RN - First I wanted to belatedly welcome you to the forum. When it comes to taking extra suboxone when one feels the need, you're certainly not the first person to do that - especially in the beginning. Ideally, (if not dosing for pain) one should dose once per day and forget about it. BUT - like you said, at least you're not using full agonists. It's the lesser of two evils, one could say. This has been discussed before and people have disagreed over it. I would suggest you work on stabilizing and later you can then work on getting down to once per day dosing.

When it comes to how much people take - yes, everyone is different. 24 mg is a bit of a high dose for maintenance (unless taking it for pain), HOWEVER, it's also not at all unusual to start out on a higher dose and get to a lower one later.

You are going to start feeling better and better as the weeks and even months pass. It took me a good couple of months to really start seeing major changes in my life from being in remission. Give yourself time and for now, do what you need to do to avoid full agonists/relapsing. I know others will disagree with me on that....

Hang in there and give yourself time to adjust to life without the chaos of active addiction. Take care.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 6:22 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:39 am
Posts: 4028
Location: Sitting at my computer
bustedRN,

You mention how some days you just want to say F*** It and just take some Oxy's, you're certainly not the only one who has had those feelings. That's completely normal. I fully support you taking an extra Suboxone whenever you need it. You just have so much crap going on right now that I think your best course of action is to take that extra when you feel it's necessary. That's a hell of a lot better option than a full relapse!!

Eventually, as your life settles down, you'll stabilize on your Suboxone. It might take weeks, it might take months, only you'll know when that time comes.

Right now, you have to do what works for you to stay clean, if that means taking some extra sub, then so be it.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 7:37 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:11 pm
Posts: 8

thank you so much hatmaker and romeo!! i'm glad you can see where i'm at and where i'm coming from. the way i see it right now is that i've taken the first step. i'm off the drugs. next step, get my life in better order, once things settle down a bit for me then i will work harder on taking my sub "correctly". but for now i'm just concentrating on the one good thing i have...suboxone, and freedom from oxy's (or whatever else might come my way). i've already been judged enough for being an addict, i don't want to be judged for what i'm doing to try to stay clean. i'm just doing what works for me today. maybe tomorrow will be different...

thanks again, and thanks for the warm welcomes! i very much appreciate the support from everyone!! :)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Extra Sub
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 9:09 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 12:35 am
Posts: 2802
Location: Southwest
Welcome to the forum bustedRN. I too have taken an extra one when life gets to be too much. But I agree with some of the others here when they say it's better to take an extra Sub than to use opiates or whatever.

I've been off opiates since last May and only take the extra one every once in a great while. Meaning it will become less and less of an urge. At least it did with me. In the beginning months I craved an extra one. Now it doesn't really matter if I do or not. So don't give it too much thought. Time will take care of the problem. Just stay on the Sub and work on those triggers that made you use. Once a good amount of time has passed, you'll find you have changed, for the better of course!

I wish you the best in recovery,

Tom


Top
 Profile  
 
   
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:10 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Feb 17, 2010 10:03 pm
Posts: 991
I just realized we are both in WA. :)

I see nothing wrong with taking an extra sub under the circumstances. I would just encourage you when you do take an extra, think about what you do after. Do you sleep? Do you mess on the computer? Do you what? Then notice how you feel. As time goes on, at some point when you want to take an extra sub, don't. Do the same things you would have done if you had taken one. Think about it later because chances are, you are getting more of a placebo effect than anything else. I only say this because you are unemployed and sub can be expensive so the sooner you realize that the extra sub doesn't REALLY do anything for you, the better probably. Plus in time you won't like being dependent on taking an extra either. People change over time and they aren't getting high so they don't want to rely on a pill for anything.

Please don't feel judged....I have done it. I used to do it a lot. Not so much anymore but it has been over three years.



Jack

_________________
Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

- Winston Churchill


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 2:28 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Thu Jan 27, 2011 11:31 am
Posts: 12
welcome bustedrn. This is a great site. I'm glad that you found it. I too was an rn and lost my license and my job due to my addiction. I was helping myself to the demerol and morphine and couldn't stop. You will find alot of support here. I have been on Suboxone for over 2 years now and finally feel like my life is coming back. hang in there and again welcome !


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Welcome to the Site....
PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:34 pm 
Offline
Super-Duper Poster
Super-Duper Poster
User avatar

Joined: Tue May 12, 2009 10:02 am
Posts: 308
Location: Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Hi there Busted.....,
First let me toss in my Welcome to the Forum! We can always use a nurse around here! There are plenty of SICK People out here! :) . Forgive me if anyone has offered you the same suggestion that I do. I haven't read all the posts! I would look into an Attorney. I am in business in the North East and have run into your situation before. I laid off someone who was stealing from Me / Us and when his unemployment request came in I tried to DENY it! But when it went to a hearing I ( The Company) Lost because he told the hearing that he was Disabled due to his Addiction. This was all before I became / admitted my dependence on Alcohol and Opiates! Anyways just thought I would throw that out there. I did my recovery a little different then You did. I came clean from opiates Before I got SOBER. But both are going well at the moment. I have been clean for over 2 years and Sober for 20 months!!! If your not doing it already I would Suggest going to as many meetings as possible. That helps me greatly. I choose to keep my Suboxone use to myself. I think it just makes things less confusing???? I wish you the best and please keep posting your progress. You will find many caring people out here!!!

God Bless
TW

_________________
"I may not have ALL I want but thank's to God I now know that I have ALL I need !!!!!!
#############
ODAAT


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 11:56 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member

Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2009 7:36 pm
Posts: 879
Location: Wisconsin
I don't know if the really, really, important question was ever answered:

"What exactly is a CRNA?"

LOL, I'm pretty sure it stands for "Certified" As in " Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist" If not, China will correct me.

I too wanted to welcome you to our little place here on the web. I was also involved in healthcare. I lived, (yeah it was more than worked or volunteered, I lived it) as a paramedic for over 20 years. I was also married to an RN, so I have a lot of history in patient care and healthcare. If you keep at it, things will get better for you. I lost both my administrative and paramedic jobs due to my addiction. It was not at all fun, but life does go on. We have had other healthcare providers stop by here as well. Plus, the doc who started the whole form is himself a recovering addict. Your life will continue and it will get better. I promise. Just keep at your recovery.

I really also wanted to throw out another view on the taking extra Sub "as needed". While I do agree with the others in the short term, taking extra is not something that you really want to continue over the long haul. There are many good reasons for this. Yeah, certainly taking extra Sub is better than taking some oxy. Then again, taking Tramadol is probably better than taking oxy too, but is it a good idea? Really? If you look around here you'll find other discussions about dosing as needed or multiple times each day. I would not worry about it all too much at this point in the game. Two weeks and taking a bit extra is pretty normal and not the worst thing. Just please don't let two weeks become two months and then two years. You really should have no trouble stabilizing at 16mg/day.

Again, don't beat yourself up or stress over it at this point. But, please, don't plan to continue the practice into the summer or even the spring. I also didn't want other readers getting the idea that it's a smart move either.

I hope you'll hang around with us for a long time to come!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 1:27 pm 
Hello BustedRN. I'm replying to you specifically, as you asked for support, etc "especially from other nurses out there."
I, too, am a "Busted RN" whose "world was turned upside down overnight." Reading through this thread, especially about what's going on with you and what Chinagirl has been through brought back a flood of unpleasant memories!
The world as I knew it, and 'myself' as the world knew 'me' all imploded about two and a half years ago. Much in the same way it happened to you.....I never withheld meds from patients, just pulled lots of extra and used it for myself, leading to discrepencies which could not be explained. I don't think I truly realized how sick I was until I was caught and the evidence the hospital had against me was presented to me. All they had was one 12-hour shift's worth of discrepencies (and they didn't even have all of what I diverted that night, just the IV meperidine.) Anyway, it was a LOT! And it was all used during that 12-hour shift, along with a good amount of Fentanyl IV, and whatever po hydro or oxycodone I already had on board. I have never been so terrified and lost in my life as when I got that call and had to go in and face HR.
Like ChinaGirl, I went through the Peer Assistance program in my state. I did not, however, complete it. I hung in there for about 8 or so months and then voluntarily withdrew from the program and surrendered my license. I just could not do it. I had so much guilt, shame and anguish and was suffering from such severe PAWS that I could not stay 100% "clean." I never missed or failed a UA and only "cheated" taking a small of amount of hydrocodone a few times after getting around 90 days or so completely abstinent of ALL drugs except NSAIDS as required by my state's Assistance Program. Anyway, I could see into the future......feeling that I would never be able to make it through the YEARS required in the program, having never returned to work and having an underlying 'knowing' that I would never be able to work around narcotics again, and just feeling so torn up and sick inside that I knew something HAD to change......so I withdrew from the program in good standing so that I could start Suboxone and see if I could find myself again. It was a tough decision to give up a career of nearly 20 years, to lose that income, to lose the ability to do what I was real good at and loved to do. But that's where I landed. Having lived around 40 years of my life with no substance abuse or mental health issues of any kind, the "perfect" wife and mother and daughter and nurse, began to misuse the pain pills and muscle relaxers that were prescribed to her and within a matter of about 4 more years, was stealing drugs from her employer and mainlining insane amounts of narcotics. My life would never be the same.
I know this is getting lengthy and since I've been 'shamed' here by a member or two for going on about myself too much, I'll try to wrap it up. If you'd like to know more of my story, you can search the site for posts by me and perhaps read through the first several posts I made to forum around July of '09. (Sorry, there are a lot of posts as I was a moderator here for a while.)
Fastforward......I've been on Suboxone for 19 months. I weaned almost completely off a couple of months ago, had a very brief relapse and got right back on Suboxone at a therapeutic dose and am now restabilized and doing very well. Had I been able to be on Suboxone as I went through the Peer Assistance Program, I have zero doubt that I would have sailed through the program, completed it and be back working as an RN right now! Without Suboxone, however, the PAWS, the cravings, the liklihood of relapse, would have made it impossible for me to go on as a nurse. I know that like I know my own name! That's how powerful this disease is and that's how well this medication works! I don't know if your state's BON will let you stay on Suboxone or not........I truly pray they will!
Above everything else, you have to remember that YOU matter more than your license, your job, your income, etc. YOU must do whatever it takes to stay away from opiates! It is incredibily difficult, as you know, but you can do it. Don't worry about taking extra Sub at this point, especially if that's the way your doctor prescribed it for you. You'll straighten out dosing better as time goes on. I would suspect that if you do go forward into a professional assistance program, you'll be required to attend a intensive program of some kind, followed by lots of meetings and other requirements to maintain your license and ability to work as an RN. All that will be good for you, as we all need more than just Suboxone to get better. I must add, however, that where I live, there is no Union for nurses and I know absolutely nothing about how all that works. But I would have to assume that it would work in your favor. Addiction is a disease, as hard as that is for me to wrap my mind around sometimes. (I tend to see it as a disease in everyone except for me.....for me it's a moral failing! All completely screwed up thinking, of course, but the truth of what I have felt at times.) Anyway...you have a disease and you deserve to be treated and get better, not to be shamed and guilted and terrified and lose your life's work. Unfortunately being in the medical field changes everything.......there is no place for an impaired healthcare provider and that being the case, we take a huge financial hit, even if we manage to hang onto that license. I'm sorry you have those issues bearing down on you along with everything else. Just hang on....it will all get better as you get stronger in your recovery.
We've had a very good number of RNs come along to this forum over the many months I've been around. Several were quite active for a while. And donh is always a wonderful contributor who 'gets it' as far as having been a healthcare provider for many years. You're definitely not alone! Please, please stay around and let us help you get through this. And use this as an opportunity for you to help others as well. This forum is loaded with excellent information about buprenorphine and recovery. Almost any question I've ever had about it, I have found answers for right here!
Welcome 'Busted,' and know that you have my support and prayers. I know pretty much exactly what you're going through!! Feel free to PM me if you'd like.


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 12:01 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Thu Jan 27, 2011 11:31 am
Posts: 12
Good morning everyone. I just wanted to put my 2 cents in. First of all I welcome anyone who has the guts and courage to face their addictions/demons head on and those of us who have found this sight I think that we are alot better off. I too was also in the peer asstiance program for nurses and dropped out. I found it too demanding!! it was almost like they expected perfection 100 % of the time and in order to get my license back I had to place myself in harms way by being around narcotics. They wouldn't let me teach or do research. So , I got out. Right , wrong, or indifferent it didn't work for me. For those that it has worked my hat is off to them. I am fairly knew to this site but not knew to being on Suboxone. I have struggled with addiction for over 35 years mostly to opiates. Towards the end my life had become a living nightmare. I personaly feel like Suboxone has saved my life but I also go to meetings, have a sponsor that I use and alot of other tools that i make use of. I too keep my suboxone use just between me and my Dr. who is also in recovery and is an addiction specialist. Sorry for being so long winded. I guess what I wanted to say was if you are knew here to this site, welcome. I think that you will find it a place of support and encouragement. I know that i do.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 19 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group