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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 10:45 pm 
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I am new here and I am awaiting my 1st Suboxone clinic appt in six days. I am a little nervous, but mostly relieved that there is a drug that can finally help me with my addiction. I am 35 years old and I have been an addict of something or other every single day for the last 20 years. Started on pot and alcohol like most, at age 15, and graduated to meth for a year long addiction in high school, then back to pot & alcohol. Then went on a year long binge addicted to crack. If you saw me, no way would you think I would be someone who would ever even know anyone on crack...much less be on it myself!!! Lost my mind, job, apartment, boyfriend, and finally quit crack, but became a raging alcoholic to replace it. Then got a hookup to hydrocodone and eventually stopped drinking since it made me sick to my stomach to mix the two, and I liked feeling "up" better than "down". Two years later, I am addicted to Norco and am finally starting on Suboxone next weekend. I can't wait! I don't even know who I am without being on some kind of mind altering substance. Not one day has gone by in the last 2 decades without me smoking, drinking, or taking something. I wonder how different I will be or if I will even have the same personality. I haven't known that me since I was 15 years old...weird thought! I know it seems kind of sick to say, but I can't even imagine living life sober. It seems like it would be so boring. I look at people who have never done drugs and wonder what it is that keeps them going. What would there even be to look forward to? I cringe just thinking of myself typing that because I know that is a horrible way to think. Hopefully I am wrong. I guess I'll find out next week.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:07 pm 
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Hey there, I was just emailing another person on the forum and we both share your experience. I have been on some mind altering substance since the age of 12. I mean I never got to the point of complete distruction but close enough to call it good. We are ALL having a human experience. I think it is normal (IMO) to seek to get high. Weather it be food sex, shoplifting, driving fast cars, getting tattooed or piercing, porn? Ya know what I mean. I think it is human nature to desire that RUSH. It is like being in love.. I am on .25 mg of sub getting ready to get off after being on for 8 months following a 3 month H binge. Sub has helped me to stay sober, clean (for the most part) and not crave to get high for the FIRST time in my life. Now that I am on a low low dose I do feel like having a beer or 2, a hit off my joint here and there, but for the most part I feel like I can handle life without getting f**ked up. I rtarely crave and when I do I do not CAVE in) I think sub has helped me to sort of take life as it comes and feel emotions that I am suppose to feel. I never wanted to feel before, I just would rather get high. I am covered in tattoos,( head to toe) and I often tell people that I have a tattoo for every broken heart i've had. (more so, one for every heart I have broken) SO I can safely say I have an addiction to desicrating my body too. I am an addict thru and thru. Sub has given me a glimpse of what it is like to live a straight life. (just a glimpse) I still puff weed sometimes but not everyday like I used to. I will (rarely) have a couple beers, but I know when to STOP,,,, FINALLY! I do take xanax at night for sleep. And I still get tattoos every so often. So am I clean No, but cleaner than I have ever been and that is good enough for me...FOR NOW....So this is my 2 cents worth. I know so many others will have lots and lots to share with you. GOOD luck on your induction and keep us posted..Many many Blessings to you and yours


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:48 pm 
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Hi Taurus,

Sweet 16 gave you a really good response and there isn't much I can add to that part of it.

Just remember that we've ALL been where you are now and we all made it through to the other side. You will too. You'll be amazed at how you feel when you start suboxone. Yes, it could be strange and unfamiliar to you. You may be overwhelmed by feelings you won't want to have. You might even want to take too much of your suboxone. If that happens, know that you're aren't alone in wanting to do that either. But also know that it won't accomplish anything. You won't get high and you'll just run out early and go into withdrawals. You wouldn't believe how many of us have tried it.

But stick around here. We'll help you through your induction and stabilization and everything that comes after, if we can. Good luck and keep us posted.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 12:00 am 
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HI Taurus, and WELCOME
Hatmaker, HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD,,, I too, tried taking 'extra' sub. I think its just in our nature after having pain pills, that when you DO take more and more, the results get better.... (worse, long term though)

Anyways, when I started suboxone, I too had always had SOME kind of 'crutch' not to FEEL anything. Its okay to be scared, it shows you CARE, and that your serious about it.....

none of us our perfect, so just do your best. being honest with your doctor helps alot. I lied to mine quite a bit in the begining. it didnt accomplish anything though. and now I really get along with him well.

this is a great place to come for support, or just to vent when you need to, and I think we ALL need to once in awhile, especially in new found recovery!!

Just remember to keep fighting, and try to remember what your fighting for, YOU!!! your totally worth the battle!!

you can do this!

hope to 'see' ya around
and good luck

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That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 12:03 am 
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Thanks for the encouragement! This website helps so much. I'm so glad I found it. I've never really had anyone to talk to who understands what this is like except for people I do drugs with, and those people don't wanna talk about quitting because it hurts their buzz. Other people might listen, but they can't really relate or give advice if they have never really been addicted to anything, and especially if they haven't been on Suboxone, so it helps to have people who have felt and experienced exactly what I am going through and about to go through. It takes away a lot of the fear and I'm so grateful for that!!


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 12:23 am 
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I understand completely when you say, "I don't even know who I am without being on some kind of mind altering substance....I wonder how different I will be or if I will even have the same personality." I actually remember having that conversation with my wife before I got on Suboxone. There were so many unknowns, I had so much doubt. But, I went ahead and took the plunge anyway and gave Suboxone a shot.

Like you, I had been addicted to many drugs over the years. My active drug addiction phase lasted 25 years. So, you can imagine my complete and utter surprise when I got on Suboxone and my active addiction stopped instantly AND I felt great. I went from buying massive amounts of pain pills daily to buying ZERO pain pills daily, thanks to Suboxone.

To be clear, Suboxone is an opiate, BUT it's a partial agonist as opposed to pain meds or heroin, which are full agonists. Full agonists get ya high, partial agonists usually don't. Suboxone is a medication that actually allows you to taper off of it when you're ready and tapering allows you to escape the vast majority of withdrawal. Most folks simply can not taper off of pain meds, the high drives them to do more and more.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 12:36 pm 
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Everyone has been pretty dead on. One thing that they did not mention and I will is that you need to be prepared to feel. Weird to say but it was wholly unexpected for me. I go tan pain meds for three surgeries that pretty much took out all the cartilege in my shoulder and had lots of pain. But a side effect of the pill sover the last three years has been a gradual numbing of my emotions. I didn't even notice until I was on Subs. Even then, it took a few weeks and my reducing my dose to under 2mg for me to see feelings come back. I found myself crying at sad movies and over random crap. I guess I got hyper emotional because I didnt used to do that before pills (except for maybe the end of Braveheart or the Green Mile) but it is not an unwelcome thing. Feeling again is a novel experience and helps overcome the lack of the high. It is a head trip, just a different, natural one. I have always been able to party on whatever I wanted whether booze or pills or coke and stop when I wanted. This time with all the surgeries my body became dependent and when I tried to stop I couldn't because of the pain of wd's. I am so motivated now that I honestly have not even thought about pills since I took my first sub 6 weeks ago. Now I am about to cut again to .25mg from .3 and I just can't wait to be off everything. I am able to go out now and enjoy a glas of wine with dinner or a couple beers with friends. This drug will give you your life back.

My only concern is that my girlfriend of 2 years and I have never been in a relationship where I was not mostly numb. I don't know how we will fare. I find my patience with her is dwindling. I know I used to take extra pills when I was pissed or annoyed with her and then I wouldn't care. Now that is not an option. I don't even know if I want it to survive. And that scares me.


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 Post subject: Feeling
PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 2:22 pm 
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NoMorePills: What you said about feeling makes sense and gives me hope that there WILL be good feelings and fun after pills. I guess I never really thought about it that way. Maybe being able to feel things again will be what gets me through each day, instead of numbing myself. I always thought that the pills made me feel better about everything...took one if I felt tired or sad or mad or upset about anything, but during the last year, they didn't really make me feel anything...just "normal," which isn't really normal at all. They just kept me from having withdrawls and gave me energy to get out of bed and function, but I totally secluded myself from the outside world and haven't really had the desire to hang out with friends for the last year or so. I was always scared to make any future plans...even if it was just to go to the movies or something with friends the next weekend...because I never knew when I would run out of my stash. So I never committed to anything, even though I was pretty much always able to get more pills before I ran out. It was just the fear of WHAT IF I run out and can't get out of bed...well I just won't make any plans so I don't have to disapoint people when/if I have to break them. I am looking forward to having energy again to do normal things and be able to make plans and not worry about going on the hunt for more pills. Even if it is switching from one drug to another, at least this one is legal for me to have, and I don't have to worry about running out or getting busted and going to jail!


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 3:43 pm 
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You will be amazed at how quickly you have energy and start to feel and feel like your old self. Then the plans you CAN make and BE ABLE to keep will replace all the nights spent alone in an opiate haze just veging out to the TV or nodding off reading a book. The greatest feeling I had was about two weeks in and I could take my morning dose (I dose twice a day now since I am on such a low dose) and not worry about leaving the house for hours at a time. Even if it was for the night, I knew I would be fine until well into the next day. Feeling those shackles fall away was the most uplifing feeling I have had in a long time and keeps me going. It is a little different for me now as I am cuting pretty fast and tyring to be done within a few weeks. At this point there are pains and chills and unpleasant symptoms but they are NOTHING compared to how I felt when I was 24 hours off my pills and sitting waiting for my doctor to come in and dose me. I literally felt lke I had been punched in the face. Within a half hour of taking the 8mgs I felt normal. Not high or fuzzy but clear and normal. It was great. You will see and LOVE it!! For me now, the promise of no pills at all makes the wd's off subs totally worth it. I am just trying to get down to a small dose (.05-.1mg) to jump from.


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