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 Post subject: Why do we use drugs?
PostPosted: Sun Sep 30, 2012 10:42 pm 
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In another thread, a member said, "The more we can talk about why we want to quit and why we don't want to quit the easier it will be to continue with recovery" and this got me to thinking about something that I've wanted to talk about for a long time.....why we use drugs.

I know our addiction drives us to use, but to me, there's more to the picture than just the addiction. Why does our addiction have such an easy time getting to us to use?

Here's the part that I've been kind of nervous to talk about......I love drugs and how they make me feel!! It's not just the escape from reality, that's only part of it. Truth is, drugs make me feel awesome. Pain pills give me this sense of calm or peace, but at the same time, they give me energy to do stuff. Cocaine and crack just plain get me high as a kite. While high, you feel superb. Weed always seemed to engage my mind. I would think of things in different ways and I would be able to look at situations from a point of view that I would have never had before. (I am NOT trying to paint drugs in a rosy light, I've only mentioned the "good" side of drugs here because we all know the other side of drugs without having to even mention it.)

The drugs that I've used all offered me something that I couldn't quite achieve without them. They all made me feel way better than I'd normally feel. Obviously, my problem is once I start, I can't stop. That's the addiction.

In recovery, it seems most of the talk goes to why we shouldn't use drugs, and I think that's an important thing. I think it's also important to not bullshit ourselves and only remember the awful side of drugs. There was obviously an upside to our drug use. There was something about drugs, more than addiction, that kept us coming back or graduating to harder and harder drugs.

I know talking about drugs and their use can be a huge trigger for some people and if you're not comfortable talking about it, then please don't respond.

I guess where I'm at in my recovery, I'm ready to look at why I used, what were the good parts and I need to make peace with the fact that not all of my drug years were bad. To me, only looking at all the negatives of my drug use gives an incomplete view of reality and it's kinda like the elephant in the room. I need to come to terms with all aspects of my drug use.....the good, the bad and the ugly, so to speak.

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 Post subject: Great Topic, dude
PostPosted: Sun Sep 30, 2012 11:10 pm 
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Thanks for sharing Romeo.............
seriously,,,,,, I cant tell you how many times in the last (almost) year and half, I'd be talking to someone and they say
"I dont know what's so appealing about it" and of course they mean the drugs,,,,pain pills mostly is what I'd be talking about.
MY generic response has become...........
"obviously getting high is fun!! I mean c'mon, WHY else would someone deny themselves food, shelter and whatever else, if it wasn't WORTH it." at least a little................

I know for ME,,,,,,,,,
when I'd take enough pills to get high, EVERYTHING was "ok"
I have anxiety issues and a lil OCD, that I know NOW, I didnt know then. and I do honestly believe, that's why I felt such "relief"
I didnt have to think about ANYTHING,,, AT ALL.
I loved that. everything just melted away into the 'background'
total relaxation. . . . . . . .
And just like you said, once I start, I cannot stop.

Thats kinda why I want to buy a dirt bike. I rode a friends bike a few weeks back, and it was the first time in a year and half, that EVERYTHING went into the background.
Now, of course it did not have the 'relaxation' properties, LOL
but hey, I'll take it!!!!

I think when we go thru things in our life that are hard to forget, that 'escape' becomes more and more of a relief.
At least for me it was........then as my addiction progressed, I felt all this guilt and shame, and yearned for
an escape from that, as well.
It was definitely a 'snowball' effect, for me.

You know, I work my ass of these days to barely scrape by,,,, and one way Ive learned to look at things, is

" I have LIVED more than most people ever will" :shock:
everyone else knows as well as I do, the 'drug culture' and the people that go with it,,,,, are unlike anything/anyone else.
I mean, Ive gotten high with the rich folks, poor folks, scary ones and everyone in between.
Ive got stories about ripping off drugs and all kinds of shit.
No, Im not really "proud" of it
But when I start to think about how much further other people are in thier lives that are my same age, these are the things I think about, and it makes me smile a bit.

Another funny thing is,,,,,,,,,
I always paid MY dealers off, so I left the 'scene' with more ''street credit"
than I'll ever have 'actual credit' :wink:

LOL
Thanks for the topic Romeo..............
and thanks for letting me share

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 2:30 am 
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Yeah... I'm with you both.

It seems that when I get clean, I'm confronted with the reality that the level of "pleasure" I have to be content with from society's accepted indulgences - things like chocolate or even sex - pale in comparison to the level of pleasure I've grown used to from using hard drugs. The two that really stick out for me are cocaine and heroin. I'd say that a hit of cocaine or heroin would give me at least 100 x the amount of pleasure that the most pleasurable "normal" human activity could provide. Even jumping out of a plane or white water rafting grade 5 rapids wouldn't come near a shot of high quality columbian.

And that moment of being confronted with ... "is this all life is?" ... can be a real bummer. And it's at that moment that a place like NA helps - seeing other people who've managed to get through that realisation without running back to their habits is enough to give more people the edge over their addiction...

To get past that want for "something more" ... a persons gotta really remember the pain that came with the pleasure. Because really, it's not long after the return to addiction before the pain outweighs the pleasure 10 fold... if it didn't none of us would want to get clean.

Our brains are really interesting and complex... but we're still pretty darn basic and primal when it comes to seeking pleasure. And when it comes to those things, we can only remember one thing at a time. When faced with remembering the pleasure, and being faced with a craving, the intensity of that nostalgia and those feelings is so strong that the reality and the consequences become just a tiny crack in the wall. Who can blame an addict for relapsing?

I hate to say it... I know I used to speak out about it so much... but I really do think I'm 100% powerless over this shit. And if I stay on buprenorphine without doing much else for my recovery, it won't be long before I seek "something more" again. Suboxone has just bought me some time.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 10:10 am 
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Yep, doing drugs for the first or second time is definetly like opening Pandora's box. Once you learn how great drugs can make you feel, you can't really unlearn that when it comes time to get sober.

I think part of my issue with PAWS was that I kept waiting to feel like I was 150%, like I did while on opiates. Fact is, I'm not gonna feel 150%. I've pretty much learned to accept things the way they are at 100%. I'm not gonna lie, though. There are days that I long for that 150% feeling, but I know instantly that the 150% is not sustainable and living at 150% brings with it a whole host of seriously negative consequences.

I guess I just needed to acknowledge that, for me, drugs certainly weren't all bad. I had some really good times during my drug use and I guess I'm kinda tired of pretending like drugs were nothing but bad for me, because they weren't.

Again, I am NOT trying to glorify drug use. I'm simply talking about my experience and my recovery. At this point in my recovery, I thought it was important to talk about my positive feelings while on drugs because pretending like there was no upside is lying to myself and I'm afraid that my addiction will somehow use that against me.

I'm hoping that by admitting and talking about my positive experience on drugs and coming to terms with it that I can fully accept things the way they are now. I certainly don't want to get back on drugs, I clearly remember all the bullshit that comes with being an addict, I'm just trying to be honest with myself and others and ultimately, strengthen my recovery.

As always, thanks for y'alls opinions and thoughts on the matter.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 10:57 am 
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this has been a topic at my last session. i used drugs because i liked the way it made me feel. there were glory times. then it turned into being able just to maintain. i am trying to understand or make it happen for me the idea that pleasure is not 150%. i like how this thread reads, and believe that its a mf that its like this. not all the times were bad but it sure got few between the last few years of active use.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 11:29 am 
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Why I use drugs:

Opiates makes me love every single person in the entire world. The world is never lonely with opiates.

I see a man I think I love, I realize I will never talk to him, and I take subs. All of the anxiety and the longing turns into happiness. I look at my schoolwork, and say F this, and then I take subs and I can sit in front of the computer for 7 hours straight. I don't even have to get up to eat. No cramps from sitting. I can focus and get engaged in whatever I'm reading and like it no matter how boring it is. Normally I have to get up every 10 minutes to avoid going crazy.

I use because I can numb the pain of past relationships. I use because if I am mad about someone's feelings towards me I can stop worrying about it if I take subs or other opiates. It takes away all hatred for others and I don't worry about getting work done. I just do the work.

No matter where I go, on opiates, I can make everything into a big old party (in my head). Even if it's a boring lecture at school, I can find entertainment in the content and people and talk to everyone and love everyone and talk to everyone no matter how different from me they are or how much I would otherwise think they don't want to talk to me.

I don't want to talk about using other drugs because I don't use them anymore and never used for as many years as opiates so I don't have much to say. But someday I may want some coke, and the reason I would is that it makes me feel really happy about everything and makes life into one big exciting mission. And marijuana can bring so many thoughts in your head it's like your life on Earth has a million more meanings and you have a million breakthroughs and it just gives a little more purpose in life.


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 Post subject: Good One
PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 1:27 pm 
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Great topic Romeo, and you pretty much hit the nail on the head describing how drugs make you feel.

My only input would be that from what I've read and seen on TV shows like Nat Geo, mankind has always sought out ways to change their consciousness. The only difference today is our ability to obtain any and all drugs fairly easily. With having so much at our disposal we end up using them too much. There are many reasons to use like child abuse or some weird thing you did in your younger years, so on and so on.

I look back at my childhood and I can't really put the blame on any one thing. My parents never fought (or I never heard them). Life was good as a kid. Once I discovered alcohol it was pure heaven. Getting that first buzz felt like I kissed God on the lips. Weed was almost as good. LSD I got burned out on and ended up having a grand mall seizure. My first taste of pain meds were Demerol pills my friend got. Those were my favorite but they were limited. Had a love affair with heroin but I had respect for it and never did it longer than four days. Alcohol was my DOC. Couldn't stand Cocaine or any stimulant.

For me, I firmly believe I was born an alcoholic and addict and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. I sure am grateful for AA or I'd be dead or worse.

Now being on Sub, it is hard to envision life w/o it. It makes me feel good every day and yes, I do feel it. That is a problem. I am waiting for the day that I am sick of using it like Romeo was. I sure hope that day comes soon.

So that's it. From the day I was born I sought out ways to change my brain and I'll be that way until I die. Hopefully of natural causes and not drugs.

Rule

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 9:20 pm 
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Best description I've ever heard of the feeling of using opioids ...

"It felt like God came down from the sky and gave me a hug". :o


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 9:38 pm 
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That's an excellent description TJ....problem is, not long after God hugs us, Satan sticks his pitch fork up our ass!!! Yeee-Ouch!!! :evil:

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 02, 2012 9:20 am 
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That wasn't God, it was Morpheus


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 Post subject: My thoughts!!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 1:46 pm 
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Well, I'm struggling with my addiction and currently awaiting a suboxone doctor!

Why I do drugs!
I'm 24yrs old and have been an active addict for ten years!

Rule- I agree with you that people are born addicts!

My biological mother and father were both addicts and had lost a baby at birth due to Cocaine use (my older brother lived 10days)
Shortly after his passing they got pregnant with me and split! My mothers cocaine use was out of control and I was BORN an addict!
I had a HARD childhood. Being split up from my siblings, raised by grandparents and a brain tumor at age 11. At 14 I was tumor free and tried cocaine for the first time! I wanted to see what took my family away! I was hooked! Doomed from birth!
I've been addicted to everything but I can't seem to kick heroin! I've kicked everything else, even smoking.

I think I've don drugs to cope with the unfortunate hand I was dealt and many other reasons.
Not sure where I was going with this reply!
I know I'm currently SICK and I'm tired of this shit!
I'm lost!!

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 3:59 pm 
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Hey MommyLove3,

Your post just cut right through me. I can literally feel your desperation.

I believe I was born an addict too, it's in my genes. There's a whole history of substance abuse in my family that goes back generations.

I wanted to maybe ease your desperation a little bit by telling you that I abused drugs my whole adult life, 26 years straight. From weed to cocaine to opiates. I got on Suboxone in 2007 and it helped me change my life. After 3 years on it, in 2010, I got off of it and I'm doing fine now. If there was hope for me, there's certainly hope for you.

I hope you're able to get in with a good Suboxone doctor soon, I think you'll be amazed at how much it can help you.

Don't give up, don't EVER give up!!!

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 5:19 pm 
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^^ Me too.

Mom mom died from a heroin od when I was three. Grew up with an opiate addict father (albeit functioning and loving.) I think I just had to numb the pain or feel normal. It's like I was missing something until then. Started opiates as a teen and was hitting my arms by 20. My first experience with opiates and realizing they were destined to be apart of me was just after I had my wisdom teeth removed. I was given a script of tylenol w/ codeine and I loved it. I laid in bed high, eating ice cream.. wondering why I had waited so long to get my wisdoms removed. Then after a few days, I called to ask for more even though the script was supposed to last me a week. It was instant for me and I didn't have to thinking about it.. it just happened. Boom.. one and done.


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