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PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2013 5:36 pm 
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Hey guys!

I need some opinions. Please, be honest--

Do you think it's strange that for about a week before each of my sub/refill appointments I am so nervous I can barely sleep/eat? And this is exhausting considering I have an appointment every 2 months.

Once I am actually at my doctor's appointment they take my blood pressure and my heart is beating so fast that my bp is through the roof high (and I know that I don't have any issues with that, I test my bp at home and it's near-perfect). My doctor always laughs at me and says "must be white-coat syndrome!" I just play along and say " Ohhh yeah all doctors make me so nervous!" But the truth is, no other doctors/dentists/ therapists freak me out...just my suboxone doctor!

I think it has something to do with a fear that I will go an appointment and be told "sorry, you are being kicked out of the program". Or "Sorry, but you are no longer a patient". Even though I do everything close to perfectly and would have no reason to be discharged. The stakes are just so high. I need this medication to make it in life. I need it more than anything else...and that is pretty intense.

I'm wondering if anyone can relate. If not, do you think I'm weird? :oops:

Look forward to your responses!

Jess/Jdizzle :)


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2013 6:16 pm 
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I get nervous about seeing my sub doctor and I see him every month. I didn't used to get nervous until a few months ago when one of my monthly UAs came up positive for amphetamines. I swore to my doctor that I had never taken amphetamines, that it had to be a mistake. He pretty much told me that if it happened again he would have to stop treating me. I left in tears. Turns out it was my Wellbutrin causing a false positive. Also turns out that it's pretty well known that Wellbutrin can cause that. This same doc is the one who prescribed it to me and knew that it was my first month taking it. When I asked him if that could be the cause he said absolutely not. After I went home and researched it I discovered that it most definitely can cause a false positive. Printed out a bunch of legit medical articles proving that and showed it to him next appointment and he agreed that was probably the reason. No apology or anything. I've since stopped taking the Wellbutrin because of it's side effects, but I just don't have the same respect that I used to for my doctor. After seeing how quick he is to throw someone out it scares me. What if something I eat or drink causes another false positive of some kind? I literally hold my breath when I walk in his office now, waiting to hear if he's going to accuse me of something else I didn't do. I know I shouldn't feel this way, I could always find another doctor. But it's not easy to find one who takes insurance. So I totally understand how you feel. Sucks that our doctors have this kind of power over us.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2013 6:23 pm 
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Kitty--

WOW! That is horrible! I can totally see why you would stress about appointments when your trust was broken like that.

My doctor hasn't really given me a reason to worry like yours has, but I have read so many things (just like what you explained) that make me think out of nowhere something could happen and I'll be back on the streets looking for oxys. That is literally my worst nightmare! My doc is also in his late 60s so I worry he will tell me he is retiring. And where I live it is much harder to find cool sub doctors!

It makes me feel much better that you understand where I'm coming from :) I can't believe you have to go every month though! UGH!


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2013 6:40 pm 
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Yeah, it sucks going every month, especially since it's an hour away. And I hate driving long distances, so I have to go at night, when my husband's done work. And I get up for work at 2 a.m.! But I've started making my appointments for my night off. It's just hard to schedule around both our work hours and find a time when both the doctor and the therapist are available. The sad thing? There's two sub doctors in my town, about 10 minutes away. But they don't take insurance. This whole thing is a big mess, but unfortunately it's necessary and worth it.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2013 8:47 pm 
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Hi Jess. I can totally relate. I see my sub doctor every 3 months. I've been seeing him for the last 3-1/2 years. He's always been very nice and understanding. But when I start driving to his office, I can feel my heart beating so fast. Just like you, I have never had a problem with high blood pressure, except when I'm there. The nurse tells me most people are nervous when they come in. I have never given him any reason to kick me off the sub. But I can't relax until I have that script in my hand. And Just like you, I'm always scared he's going to say, sorry, no more sub for you. He has never given me any reason to think that, but after reading what has happened to other people, I can't help being nervous. Just know you are not alone feeling the way you do.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2013 8:53 pm 
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And, yes, Kitty36, it does suck that the doctors have so much power over us!


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2013 10:04 pm 
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i used to feel like that.
Know what i did? I cut my dose
a bit and saved some for a time
when i either couldnt pay any louger or
for some other reason.

Those drs work for me. I do not give them all this power ov er me. How? What is the worst that can happen?
Id have to find a new dr.they are out there..
I wish i could find a doc who wrote refills.
That sounds rare to me.my clinic run a whole program and a good one.
Just sub and no other help wont do rhe trick imo..
So..relax if you have done no wroug.yes things happen but but rhe truth will come to the top....good luck
JD..


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2013 12:53 pm 
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SusieSmith--

Wow it looks like we have a lot in common! That makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER (you have no idea) that I am not alone in this. I have an appointment today and I am already freaking out. The drive there is always the worse (well, aside from when I'm sitting in the room and I hear him pick up clipboard...OH GOD). I feel like such a freak...I shake, my pulse is RACING, and...this is the kicker...I always feel like I am going to pee my pants. So embarrassing. And my doctor told me NONE of his other patients are like me in this respect. Which is sort of rude...he looks at me like I'm CRAZY! The thing is, he doesn't understand what it feels like to depend so much on a prescription. It's like having an appointment to get a refill on oxygen, I need it to live. Literally. If I didn't have it I think I would relapse, OD, and die. So that's quite a bit of pressure if I do say so myself!

Razor- that is a very good idea. But I have a hard time tapering down. In fact, I am worried that at my appointment today they are going to force me to taper because they are starting this new thing where you see a counselor and your doctor in one visit (so that you don't have to pay twice, which is kinda nice....but I haven't been seeing a counselor so for me it is quite shitty). This counselor I am seeing is notorious for wanting to "get people off sub".

Anyway, thanks for the support guys :)

Jess


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2013 6:53 pm 
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I was always in a panic before my doctor appointments, too. All kinds of crazy shit would run through my head. I would wonder if my doctor maybe closed her practice and moved away or I thought things like maybe she was in an accident and wouldn't be able to come in for weeks and weeks or maybe she just wasn't going to write my script that day. All kinds of bad thoughts would swirl through my head. Of course, those thoughts would spike my blood pressure and they took my blood pressure at every visit and always asked why it was a little high. I always told them I had just drank some coffee and they left it alone.

So, you're not a freak (well, maybe a little bit!! LOL)

BTW, Razor does bring up a great point. If you could stockpile any Suboxone, it just gives you that little bit of cushion and that will provide some peace of mind.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 12:40 am 
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Hi Jess and Romeo
Everything you say in the posts above, I feel the same way.
Jess, I'm glad you asked this question because I thought I was a freak. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about any of this. My husband passed away 1-1/2 years ago. I live with my 21 year old son, I can't talk to him about this, my sister doesn't know about this, and she would never understand, and now my mother has Alzheimer's. I don't have any close friends to talk to, so it's nice to be able to talk to someone who understands. I don't think these doctors can really understand how we feel and how much power they have over us, unless they were once an addict. I too feel my life depends on this drug. I feel without it, my life would come crashng down around me. I have been addicted to opiates for many, many years. So many years, I'm ashamed and embarrassed to say. With Sub, my life has some normality. Without Sub, I fear I would go back to that horrible life, which scares the shit out of me. So, yes, I believe my life depends on that little prescription.
Romeo, I have the same wild thoughts with every appointment I go to....did the doctor die or so sick he can't come into the office. Or...did they just shut down and close the office, or was there some catastrophe at the office, or ..........?
Irrational crazy thoughts I know would never really happen, but nonetheless, these thoughts still run through my mind.
So, after saying all that, Jess. - how did your appointment go today? I hope it went well. Let us know. Talk to you soon.
Susie


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 3:35 am 
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Threads like this make me realise how vulnerable we really are while on maintenance. While relations are good with the doctor and everything is peachy, it's easy to forget how dependent we are on this medication. I had a "scare" two christmases ago when I couldn't get to my pharmacy in time before the Xmas holidays. They were closed for a week until after new years. Needless to say it put a real damper on my holidays. I went to the ER to try and get doses to get me through to no avail. I ended up in withdrawals for a good week before I went "fuck it" and used heroin to get me out and about for new years.

I'm hoping when I go to long term rehab later this year that I'll successfully taper off Suboxone, so this will no longer be a problem.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 10:08 am 
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Susie, you don't have to be ashamed of how long you were on opiates. We're all addicts here, we understand.

I started into drugs at 17 years old. Mostly weed, hash and LSD. Graduated to cocaine and crack at 25 years old, then onto the beast (opiates) at 29 years old. I didn't quit drugs until I was 39. I'm not proud that I spent that much time on drugs, but I'm not ashamed of it anymore either.

I'm glad this thread was put up, too. For a long while, I figured I was the only one who stressed over my appointments.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:49 am 
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Hey guys!

Wow you are all wonderful :) I have to tell you--for the last couple years I do this thing where I feverishly google "questions" before my appointments just to see if there was anyone out there in the world wide web that might relate with me. But now I know that I'm not alone.

Susie--I'm so sorry to hear about your husband :( It makes it a lot harder feeling alone in this journey.

Romeo--I SO understand that, ALL of those same, exact thoughts have crossed my mind as well.

Teejay- THAT VERY situation--running out on a holiday or something--is what scares the living hell out of me. It really is sad how dependent we are on these docs and I truly believe that they have no idea.

My appointment yesterday went just fine, as always. My BP was through the roof (like 200 over something..good god, I know). I'm just SO glad to have it done for a couple months! HOWEVER (something ALWAYS has to go wrong)..my doctor forgot to fax my refills to the pharmacy. Luckily I had a couple extras lying around. I am waiting until they open at 9am to call and hopefully my doctor isn't going out of town or something. HAH..see, always paranoid in one way or another.

I will write more about my counseling appt in my other thread :)

MUCH LOVE!!!
Jess


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 12:56 pm 
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i just want to also add that I too am so nervous before an appointment. I even told my counselor at the office that I see once

a month about this feeling. like it reminds me of being an addict coming in to score my meds. I have failed the drug test for

maryjane. he was pretty understanding. then I started have panic attacks, anxiety so they started me on Ativan. which at

first did the job but soon became not enough started to get Xanax on the side to fill in the gaps between time for Ativan.

went to my appointment told the guy that I had done this. that was when he did finally say that this would and could not be

tolerated and jeopardize the whole program .totally understandable but even when I was clean I got all freaked.. just reminds

me of the fact I am an addict still needing help. thanks for the topic wishing us all the peace we are working towards.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 1:47 pm 
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I find that I stopped being so nervous before seeing the doctor when it wasn't just suboxone keeping me clean. When I got into real recovery... Suboxone wasn't the "fix" that I relied on everyday. Also. When I got really really fat away from active addiction and other addicts. So I didn't smoke weed or drink or buy/do any kind of drugs aside from suboxone. I stopped kidding myself and wanted to get better for real.

Then... Magically....

I wasn't nervous anymore!

Just my 2.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 4:09 pm 
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I could have written the above original post. I went through the same thing.. severe panic attacks before doc appointments to the point they were worried about my blood pressure also. A few times I thought I was going to faint just standing in the waiting room, it was awful. There was no good reason other than fear, I guess. I was in good standing with my doc, they loved me and thought I was a model patient. For some reason though, I would be in full panic mode before each appointment and during each appointment. I hated it. Although it only started out with Sub doctor visits, it eventually spread to any doc appointment. I've never been one to be afraid of an appointment but after the trauma of the sub-doc panic attacks, I started to get nervous at any appointment. This developed over the course of 6 years, not over night. Now that I am off, I'm a lot better.

Gahh.. reading this thread brings back the worst memories.

MM- I was still having these full blown panic attacks even though I was not using any other drugs, drinking, etc.. I had seen a counselor almost throughout my time on sub, so that wasn't it for me. I think it was purely the subconscious fear and realization that I was 100% dependent on the doctor visit. My life was in someone else's hands. I had a lot riding on my well being too, a demanding job, etc. I think that pressure of absolutely needing something to function was crippling to me. I'm envious of people who never experience this during their sub use. This crippling anxiety is the main reason that I knew I couldn't be on sub any longer, especially for life. It was too much for me to handle.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 4:19 pm 
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Kitty-

I also had a false positive early on in my treatment, before I had a good history with my doc. I can't for the life of me remember what I tested positive for. I think it was actually opiates or a benzo. Anyway, I had not taken anything at all.. I didn't even take vitamins or birth control, nothing what so ever other than sub. I explained this to my doc and he didn't believe me. He wouldn't write my script. I ended up searching for a new doc that day because I would have been screwed.. I found a top of the line doc at Penn university and saw him immediately, that very day. I told him what happened, he tested me, and I was clear on all drugs. He was really kind and much more experienced. He was an addiction specialist. Anyway, I saw him for a little while but eventually went back to my old doc who was only $100/ month vs. the University specialist who charged $500 a month just for the visit. Sigh..

My original doc ended up believing me after getting to know me, but that fear of being turned away stuck with me the whole entire time.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 5:20 pm 
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Tiny Dancer--

Wow, with each post from you and everyone else I feel much less like the red-headed stepchild and more like one of the family. Haha :) So glad to know I'm not alone.

MovieMaker--I see where you are coming from but I don't believe it is solely bupe that is keeping me clean. It's everything else on top of that. So, in the end, I have nothing to BE nervous about. And even though I am currently leading a life I'm proud of, for some reason these appointments freak me the hell out everytime. I really do think it's because I have no certain control over my doctor and anything could happen. He could die for all I know and then I'm out of my meds until I can find a new doctor which isn't necessarily a 1-step process. So I really think that has everything to do with it and nothing less.


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