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PostPosted: Sun Apr 12, 2015 3:05 pm 
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20 days since my last dose.

Im soooo grumpy and vaguely angry and anti social the past 5-6 days.

Does anyone have any experience or any wisdom??

I don't want anti depressants, I can't deal with the side effects.

I've only missed about 6 full days of work when I jumped at the very beginning. I have a very socially demamding and pretty physically demanding job with really long hours on my feet without a break. I say this because it's not like I've been sitting around the house for 20 days. And I've started adding in exercising the past few days as well.

Anyone having similar experience? Any time frame until things started getting better ?
Is this the dreaded paws?
Could it just be that this is just my unmedicated personality?

It's sucked so bad the past couple days I started thinking I should just go fill my suboxone Rx and see what would happen if I took it. Even after the hell I put myself through the part 20 days trying to leave it behind. And I never took suboxone other than as prescribed during my year and a half of treatment, yet I'm having stupid addict thoughts like "oh I could just take a little and not take it every day..." Wtf???


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 12, 2015 3:24 pm 
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Fishy,

This is a typical stage of detox to go through. Your brain is not yet healed and therefore your endorphins are not yet effective at elevating your mood. Please be patient! Try to keep in mind the struggle you went through to get off sub. Exercise every day. Read uplifting books. Write down your blessings and read through them daily. Journal if it suits you. Try to stay busy.

One of the best ways to keep our minds off our own troubles is to find a way to help others. Are there other addicts you could help? Is there an animal shelter where you could volunteer?

This won't last forever! Use the mantra of parenthood! Lol! "This too shall pass, this too shall pass."

You will get through this.

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 12, 2015 4:36 pm 
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Awwww Fishy, I'm so sorry you are feeling so grumpy. It sucks to not feel happy and not feel like you can do anything about it...but you can!

As Amy said, keep pushing through! You have come so far! Once your brain adjusts and your endorphins return, you'll feel more like yourself. Amy gave you awesome advice, as she always does.

Maybe try to focus on the positive things in life? Maybe that would help? I know there's no silver bullet to this issue, but perhaps if, when you are feeling angry/down, you think about how you're physically feeling so much better? As in, you can focus on the fact that you've accomplished an amazing thing, you're strong, you don't physically feel like crap, etc.

I know it sucks to feel like this. I too want to avoid antidepressants per the side effects, so I understand. My doc had me try an antidepressant for my insomnia and yeezaz, I hated it and quit taking it after a couple months.

Regardless, you are tough! You are naturally a happy, positive person and those feelings will return. You can push through this, as you have with so many other challenges! You WILL return to having natural happiness! Hold on to that fact and stay strong. You can do it!

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 12, 2015 7:51 pm 
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Amy and bad Kitty,
I know you guys are right, I need to focus my energy in more positive directions. And all of your suggestions are really awesome. Thank you for responding to my post.

I feel like today, unfortunately, is just one of those days that sucks. I feel like I can't climb out of the darkness im in and just going to try and distract myself with something on TV or a movie and then hopefully go to bed early.

Im hoping tomorrow I will wake up in a better mental state to make a better day of it. Tomorrow is, after all, 3 weeks. I keep forgetting sometimes what a difference one day can make in the course of all this.

I had a really rough couple of hours this afternoon. Both my husband and my mother suggested I go on anti depressants. And then when I said I thought they were asinine for suggesting such a thing... when I just spent the last six months of my life trying (successfully, I might add) to come off ALL medication.... They both said, "well THAT DRUG you were on was different, not all drugs are bad like that" Which pretty much just proved what I knew to be true all along... That they were actually not understanding and supportive of my suboxone treatment, but ignorant fucks like the rest of the uneducated sub haters. I never once bad mouthed suboxone. In fact, I don't think either of them ever took the time to know the name of the BAD DRUG I was on, they just referred to it as THAT DRUG.....

but that's neither here nor there, just something I found interesting and sad and revealing.

OK thanks again guys. Im hoping for a better tomorrow. In going to go to yoga tomorrow and try to reshift my focus on something else in life other than "when am I going to feel awesome ever"


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 12, 2015 9:48 pm 
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Hey Fishy

Sorry to hear you are feeling sad. I remember the first detox then rehab my son went to. It was a 3 month program. He would call me all depressed and the doc there even put him on an anti depressant. After about a week my son said it made him feel worse so i called the doc...i asked how long my son would be so down and not at all himself and the doc told me at least 3 months. I was shocked LOL I was so naive back then.

You are in a good place now. 3 weeks down and you should start feeling better especially with your crazy non stop schedule!

Hang in there, you are doing great


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 12, 2015 10:27 pm 
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Thanks tiki for the insight and the words of encouragement. I always thought if I ever had to go into rehab and/or detox I would be more depressed than going through it at home. Because I would put on a good face for the treatment people, that's just my personality... and then if probably get home and fall apart privately!

I came to kind of a thought tonight in the past hour or so. Maybe I need to quit walking around pretending to be so strong and tough and just be myself more. Because it's making me want to not go out into society as I feel like I'm faking it so bad when I do. What's the worst that could happen if I'm not a chatty ball of sunshine to every random clerk and bank teller I come across... Nothing. Just another insignificant person in their day.

And maybe instead of just focusing on getting through my day maybe I'm ready to start pushing myself harder. For the past three weeks I've been trying to just make it through work and then I'd go home and lay around trying to get some energy back for the next day to do it all again...

But maybe I'm past that point now and maybe what I really need to be doing is trying for more... and pushing myself to be the best at my job as I can possibly be. You know, really throw myself into my career and try to go above and beyond. Take that extra client even though I've already seen people for 10 hours straight with no break. Schedule runs, bike rides or yoga classes into my day and shift my focus for a couple hours to taking care of me. Then I can go back in and finish out the day, maybe even start late... Start the second half of the day like it's a new one and give 200%.

Try my best to look my best each and every time I leave the house. Really focus on eating what really make me happy and not just what is convenient or easy. Take the extra time to go pick up an actual salad or leave earlier to hit up the juice bar on the way to work.

These are all positive changes I would like to implement back into my routine. I was feeling really confident doing all this during the taper and then I got to about 1.5mg and it was all down the tubes, I switched into just surviving and trying to get through the hard part of my taper and then the jump.

So hopefully I can kick my ass into gear and get a better attitude and start feeling better.

Thanks guys you're the best.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 13, 2015 10:43 am 
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Day 21
Three weeks feels better. Although it wouldn't take much to feel better than the monster I was yesterday.

Today I'm going to try harder. I'm going to make my day better and actually try to be present and accept my life for what it is. No more fighting.

I'm glad I had the fight in me to survive the last few weeks, but I'm tired of fighting now. I just want to be happy and healthy and learn to enjoy my life.

Today is a new day. I'm going to take it one day at a time, set new positive goals for myself each day and try to live that way for awhile. If that's not working for me after a long honest shot, I'll re-evaluate try something else.

Thanks for everyone who offered their wise words of support here to me yesterday. Here's to a better day !


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 13, 2015 7:41 pm 
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tfisher wrote:
Day 21
Three weeks feels better. Although it wouldn't take much to feel better than the monster I was yesterday.

Today I'm going to try harder. I'm going to make my day better and actually try to be present and accept my life for what it is. No more fighting.

I'm glad I had the fight in me to survive the last few weeks, but I'm tired of fighting now. I just want to be happy and healthy and learn to enjoy my life.

Today is a new day. I'm going to take it one day at a time, set new positive goals for myself each day and try to live that way for awhile. If that's not working for me after a long honest shot, I'll re-evaluate try something else.

Thanks for everyone who offered their wise words of support here to me yesterday. Here's to a better day !


Those are awesome ideas! It's OK to have a day of funk like yesterday. What you're doing is hard work!

I saw your post about putting up a good front even when you feel like total crap. Please cut yourself some slack. No one is perfect! :)

Amy

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 1:18 am 
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Just an update on my state of being a super grump. Still grumpy.

Exercise seems to help take the edge off now that I've got about 5 days of it under my belt again. (But damn my muscles are so sore!)

Don't Get me wrong, I am still waaaay grumpier than I should be or want to be. But its getting better and I'm hoping that soon it will improve even more.

Another thing that helped today: tanning. I did a 12 min tan in a high pressure bed and it was the first time I've felt warm since the jump. It also made me in a noticeably better mood afterwards. (I know tanning beds aren't the healthiest thing ever but I live in a climate with not much sun, drs actually prescribe tanning around here!)

Exercise and tanning. Haha do a load of laundry and maybe those jersey shore kids are onto something with a little G.T.L. ;)


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 10:00 am 
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Fish,

I know exactly what you mean about the constant feeling of cold. Back in '06 when I quit for a period of time the only way I could get warm was to sit in my car with all the windows up in the middle of summer here in the deep south. Then, one day while driving to work, as if a switch had been flipped I suddenly felt hot. It was an instantaneous change. My hypothalamus had finally recovered or reset to normal operation.

--Morphing


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