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 Post subject: my whole story
PostPosted: Thu Oct 01, 2009 12:35 am 
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i guess i did this in the wrong order. i have posted a few times but never told my story....so here goes.....

in the beginning of 2007 my wife and i decided to take our relationship back to the start. back to the beginning and "date" for awhile. i decided to get a house with a buddy who had just moved back to the area. i had been using 2-5 10mg percs everyday for a couple of years at this point.

anyway, somewhere along the way my brother and father, both grown men, moved back to town. my dad got his own house but my brother moved into the party pad...in the back yard....in a camper!! my brother had had a long fight with addiction. that started with his first treatment visit at 15 yrs old. normal weed and drinking non sense. but the older he got, the worse it all got. we where very close through most of our lives. we had only fought about his addiction. i didnt understand why ODing on H every couple of months was far to the rest of us. this was before i was using, obviously. now when my brother started using H and speedballing he hid it from our group of friends. no body knew. he didnt want me doing it, so he hid it.

after years of not speaking and him finally coming off drugs, here we where. me separated from my wife and him living in a camper. but no drugs. i mean we drank!! alot!! and i still did pain meds, but no one knew. anyway...somehow he found out and we started doing pain meds together. it wasnt like he was doing H or anything in my eyes, so i thought!!! meanwhile, the drugs started getting worse and worse. now it was 30mgs of roxy. now it was 2 30 mgs of oxy....you all know that deal.

finally my wife and i thought we had worked out our problems enough to make another go of it...so home i went. and my brother moved into my room in the party pad. the second or third night without me living at the party pad my brother called. he called 6 or 7 times that night. anyway he wouldnt come over. wanted to unpack all his things. so my wife made plans to pick him up in the AM..."not to be late", he demanded!! "not for this baby shower!"

that morning i went to work like any other day. around 12:00 noon my wife called freaking out. she had taken 4 yr old our little boy joey...to pick up uncle joe and he wasnt breathing. she had called 911 before i got there, but it was to late. he died while watching t.v. with a full drink in his hand. feet crossed. just stopped breathing. the cops found 80 mg oxy in the house, but who knows what uncle joe was on that night. he was a wild man. but 36 yrs old, my brother was dead. Oct 2007.

my father was unemployeed at the time so we spent alot of time together after my brother joe died. after all he had been through and all the times he had gotten clean....here it was that he dies doing some bulllshit little pills. pills i allowed. i should have stopped him. i didnt know about this. didnt know it was a big deal. i didnt know anyone dies from them!?!? fucked!!!

anyway....3 months later(Jan 08') my father called on the way to a job interview. we spoke for a minute, but i hurried him off the phone cause i was at work. an hour later a friend of ours who got him the interview called telling me that my father had not showed up for the interview. not his style. he was a very successful person in from 3 hours away to meet these people. after searching all the normal hospitals...i couldnt find him. my wife did though. seems as though that a second or two after we hung up a old Florida snow bird had a heart attack behind the wheel. swerving into my fathers car head on and killing them both.

3 months apart...i had lost the most important people in my world. need less to say the intake of mind numbing pain meds got worse and worse. i had gone from 10 mg of perc to 60-90-120mg of roxy a day, in a short time. plus a little xanex habbit so i could sleep. seems odd that after my brother died i didnt stop...i did until my dad got killed. it was to much. hurt so bad. i missed them so much. i still do!!

well i decided that living in this town with all these memories was not gonna work. we decided to move to Atlanta. my mother decided to move with us. that is when i realized how bad her drinking had gotten. after many talks/arguments about it it was decided that if she would try to help herself, so would i.

at first she hesitated...but she finally came around. she ended up moving in with us because her health was so bad that she couldn't take care of herself. the Cirrhosis of the liver was just to far gone. after being kept alive with machines & coding time after time...it was time to remove the machines. it was her wish not to be kept alive. tough choice for a guy like me...bbut with a few pain pills on board...i can do this. and i did. i pulled the plug. January 2008 my mother had passed away.

in 14 months i lost my older brother, my dad, and my mother. didnt seen fair!!! still doesnt. its fucking bullshit!!!! how am i suppose to have the stregth to keep everyone and myself together. how do you deal with running out of ideas for a service?? i could not come up with anything. i had no ideas. that was hard, but the pain meds helped i thought!?!?

needless to say i have continued to increase my dose of pain meds as needed. starting at 1 or 2 30mg roxy to now. which is 10-15 oxy 40's a day. i have a friend who got clean with suboxone. he and i did the same amount of pills. he is doing it so i am too?? i am scared i wont like reality. i wont like the feelings i get. the loss i havent really dealt with. how do i do this?!?!?

my first apt is Friday and my first dose should be on Sunday. thats the plan anyway. i hope i can do this. ive never quit pain meds except when my brother died...2 or 3 months but i dont remember it. i dont know what to expect. but if it includes my wife and kids not to have to come up with anymore ideas for services... for me this time....then im gonna try it. might be harder then this haze, but this isnt living. time to get up and dust myself off. time to deal with reality. its just time!!

thank you everyone for your help so far. and wish me luck. i wish all of you the best as well!
thanks for listening. i dont know if i have ever told that whole story from A-Z...feels weird. im going to bed.

i will be posting Friday and Sunday whats going on in the "induction" area if your interested.
Chris


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 01, 2009 3:24 pm 
Thank you for sharing your story! You have been through a great deal of profound losses indeed. You have my sympathy. I posted a response to one of your other posts. I wish you all the best with your induction. This may be the beginning of a great time of healing for you. I think you will be pleasantly surprised at the amount of clarity you'll begin to have after getting started on Suboxone. Because of all the opiate use, you've basically buffered and therefore delayed a lot of the grieving processes over the last several years.
Obviously taking a pill every day won't be the answer to all you have to deal with. But it's a great place to start. You have lost almost all of the closest people in your life and I can only imagine the pain you have been in. However, you still have your wife and your children who love you and want and need you to be alive and healthy. It sounds like the deck was kind of stacked against you from the get go, with having so many relatives being addicts/alcoholics. But you can break the cycle and start a new and healthy way of living for you and your kids. Just think what a testimony you will have after you have been in recovery for a while!
Just know that once the fog you've been in begins to clear, you will probably find yourself in a lot of emotional pain and you will need to find new ways of coping with all of that. You certainly deserve some therapy after what you've been through! Just be willing to be open minded to try new things to help you cope with all the loss you have suffered. Maybe it would help to think how proud your brother, father and mother would be to see you come through all of this and be in recovery. Maybe somehow that would make their deaths not seem so pointless.
There is a reason you are still here, that you have survived all the years of abusing your body. Make Sunday truly a new start for you. Flush the past, forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you've made and start living again! I know it's easier said than done. I struggle every day with forgiving myself and leaving the past in the past. It's difficult, like I said, especially when you're off drugs and able to think clearly about all those mistakes of the past!
Best of luck - please let us know how your induction goes!


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 Post subject: Reply to Slipperyslope
PostPosted: Thu Oct 01, 2009 3:45 pm 
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Slipperyslope wow what a powerful story. I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now.
I have used suboxone for detox (back on 04) and I currently take it for maintenance and I have to say it really helps me.
I posted a brief summary of whats happened lately in my life also. I too started with a low dose of lortabs about 30mg a day then I found myself in treatment 4 times and none of it helped (of course I was using alot of dope by then).At the end of my addiction I was shooting $200 of H a day and when I didnt have the money I could always find morphine to shoot. Suboxone has been the only thing to keep me clean for any amount of time. I tried meetings alone (they worked but when I stopped going I relapsed) Now I attend meetings once a week and read my NA book (the storys in the back are great) take my dose of suboxone daily and I do alot of reading online (such as this forum) and its been a big help for me. I am grateful that I found this forum it has helped me tremendously. Some people don't believe in prayer but I do, and you will be in my prayers. I know how hard it is and that this will be an ongoing process for the rest of our lives. As the NA/AA book says just take it "One day at a Time" Take care


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 8:39 am 
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I couldn't even imagine losing both my father and brother so close and in that fashion. I'm extremly sorry for your loss and pray things pick up for you. Good luck and I wish you the best


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 8:50 am 
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I couldn't even imagine losing both my father and brother so close and in that fashion. I'm extremly sorry for your loss and pray things pick up for you. Good luck and I wish you the best


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