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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 10:00 pm 
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A bit of a roll call.

Who is doing well and kicking goals and got 12+ months up post sub without a hitch? Just curious. Especially those with multiple years.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 11:58 pm 
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Haven't made it to the 12 month mark yet but 7 months tomorrow for me! :)

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2017 1:28 am 
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May 2017 will be 6 yrs off bup for me. A miracle drug. Only hitch is still earning trust and confidence back from a couple family members and friends, they have long memories. Almost there tho!

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2017 4:00 am 
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Congratulations Pelican. That's one heck of an achievement. No doubt your family and friends are 99 percent there.

For me, likely for most, the hardest part is forgiving myself. Every once in a while....like every five minutes :D when I'm really wallowing in it....I think about how much money I blew. I just about literally could have flushed it down the toilet, for all the good it did me the last few years. It's been not quite two months on subs, and yet already I'm finding it difficult to understand why it took me so long to find the courage. Ah well, I 'spose that's why they call it that. Courage that is. A person has to be brave to have courage
:D

Courage never worked for me as an addict.

What did work was desperation, quite rightly referred to as a gift in the halls. The subs make it so easy to stay away from the opiates in a physical sense. I don't need 'em any longer. That's an amazing turn of events. I can still barely believe it.

But there's a lot of work still to do.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2017 10:45 am 
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Leaven and Pelican...... awesome! I really wish I could use my emojis, I'd have used the fireworks! But I'll use this instead ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ lol.

Pelican, wow, ur an inspiration big time!

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2017 12:56 pm 
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Thanks jennjenn, You've been a big help to me here. Am totally w you Godfrey on the forgiveness of self. I still have bursts of pain, tho Infrequent and more and more fleeting as time goes by.

I believe when Teejay asked about any hitches, he means slips or relapses. None of those luckily. I keep a 5.5+ yr old stockpile of sub films bc that's the first I'd go back to and NO, that would NOT be a relapse.

Or hitches might be if any of the usual addict behavior pops up? Judging, lies, denial... yep, infrequently, I can nanosecond sink into 'I didn't hurt anyone, including me' or 'no real life loss from it'. Or when family said I'm one of the lucky ones to be doing so well given the odds, I mentally angrily flashed into denial. 'I never got that bad' and 'never would have happened to ME'. Yes, I still feel easily judged on getting addicted and still feel shame if provoked. I'm not sure that will ever go away but I can now easily handle it. I've gotten back most all except the time I lost and my marriage. Altho it took me awhile to accept, my ex quickly remarried and I truly hope all is well w them. Best, P

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2017 4:00 pm 
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3 years off here. Have been doing really well. Still finding gradual improvements to my baseline mood with time. No longer counting the days/months/years since, so no longer focused on things returning to normal; I guess that means I am normal, if there was ever such a thing. :)

All of my interests have changed and evolved over the last 12 months. Something odd; I no longer get much if any pleasure from material objects. To keep a positive frame of reference in this shallow, material, spiritually corrupt world requires a lot of meditation. It makes sense that some of the best of us fall ruin to substance abuse - we struggle to cope because we lack the bliss of ignorance in the face of overwhelming contradiction; forced to retreat to distraction - the prescription handed down in the subtext of western society.

All in all, to exist in this time, free of the burdeon of chemical supplementation is an epic gift worthy of intense gratitude! :)

Sorry for the cryptic writing style, unfortunately overt complexity comes with the territory. :D


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2017 4:37 am 
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Oh, oh, me! I am! Haha, thanks for the link pointing me here Pelican.

It's been about 3.5 years for me. I often forget I used to be an opiate addict - it seems like a different life. When those moments of memory creep to the surface, and I'm catapulted back to feelings of immense guilt, shame, emotional irregulation, the dreaded anxiety of how/where I'll get my next pill - uh...it's almost euphoric to know that I am out of it. Totally out. I remember the anxiety of planning little family trips - as my first concern was whether I'd be able to have enough pills to get through. Those simple pleasures, planning a fun family vacation - worrying only about possibly forgetting our swim suits - NOT pills, it's just great. Suboxone absolutely saved my life, my marriage, my everything. My interactions with my children are genuine and not dependent on whether I'm feeling sick today.

Okay...that was some rambling, but yes, I am doing well after subs. I will always praise their help, and my doctors, and of course my own tenacity and stubbornness that helped me never look back!!

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2017 5:19 am 
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I feel like the evil older sister here. I apologize.

How many of those doing well post suboxone have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? (Not that it can't be done.)

I would just hate for this cheerful, non-scientific poll to be used as anything other than what it is.

TeeJay, I have no obvious stake in this at all. I do, however, tend to love magnanimously and easily. So to say that I care for you and have love for you is not a stretch. From that place, and from having seen you at least close to suicidal while you were off buprenorphine, I would feel partially responsible if I said nothing when I feared you were trending toward being unrealistic about your future mental health, and then something serious happened to you.

That being said, if you decide to go off this medication I will be your biggest cheering section and support you all the way. I will also have my eyes peeled and my ears to the ground.

Let the informal poll continue...

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2017 8:04 pm 
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TeeJay,

Amy and I are like twins. My thoughts exactly. We go back many years and know what you've been through in the past. We wish only happiness and wellness in your life. You know yourself better than we do so please take no offense to our concerns.

With that in mind, what are you planning? Or do we dare ask?

rule

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2017 9:13 pm 
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its good to hear all the success stories.
we should have doing well posts for those on subs. yeah i know i could start one.

many addicts and sub users are no doubt diagnosed with BPD too.
my SO is still currently using and is bipolar.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2017 8:21 pm 
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Oh so there's a correlation between opiate abuse and bipolar disorder?

That's interesting because I was diagnosed when I was younger but shunned traditional treatment due to it making me feel perpetually mediocre. Having abused drugs from a very young age, I had wondered if the ups and downs were really caused by the drug abuse, not some pre-existing mental health issue, but perhaps it was the opposite. In turn I blocked the idea from my mind and denied its existence. It wasn't me - it was this messed up world! Haha ahh the pleasant words of denial.

I actually became Bipolar asymptomatic long ago thanks to some intense work with Ayahuasca - rebuilding my love for myself and shattering the fortress the ego had formed around my vulnerable core - allowing me to reintegrate the caged feelings that were igniting the fires of self hatred and thus allowing me to move on from the intense trauma of my early childhood. Scary stuff, not recommended for everyone - taking your mind to such places is surely risky to one's overall sanity. A roll of the dice, fortunately I rolled a few 6's.

I must admit, opiates do have one hell of an anti-depressant effect. Makes sense people with Bipolar disorder would be drawn to them.

I'm not sure bipolar disorder can be cured so I am still not sure if my childhood diagnosis was 100% accurate to be honest though.

If you have read my previous posts, you will see my perspective on quitting suboxone after 10 years. It was incredibly tough, I went something like 12 months without so much as a day of baseline feelings of content. Still able to function fine mind you, just nothing was really all that exciting or enjoyable. This experience was something else entirely, and later reading people's experiences of PAWS, this most acurately resonates with what I went through - just for a very very long time. Whatever happened, it was very different to anything I experienced when I was younger, and that included going sober after 6 years of very heavy heroin use. At least with Heroin I was back to normal emotions after 2 or so months. Thankfully patience prevailed and slowly and almost randomly, like waves rolling in from the ocean, my natural feeings of content and pleasure returned. Now becoming a distant memory thank God!

Now things are quite different, and the memory, like stated above, is the only reminder of a bizarre alternate life.

I spent a long time in preparation prior to jumping. I spent years getting every aspect of my life into the best position I could envision. Yet I was in serious doubt of whether I would make it at times due to doubt around whether things would actually ever improve.

I could have used some of these words myself to help get me through.

Does that adequately balance out the conversation around, at least the short-medium term, post suboxone life Amy? :)


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:18 am 
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Don't worry Amy about the bipolar and my history thing. This roll-call isn't about me in the slightest. It's about the people that ARE doing well post-Sub. I'm just curious because many people leave and we don't hear from them. You see the same thing in NA meetings, and rehabs. People leave. So I at times wonder how they're doing.

This thread has brought up some really interesting stuff though.

By hitches yes I did mean slips, lapses, relapses. But also addictive behaviour manifesting in other areas. Gambling, sex, alcohol & other drugs. Even smoking status and general mental and physical wellbeing.

Has anyone been faced with any significant mental or psychiatric distress? How did you deal with it post-Sub?

Patiamplius I agree about addiction and recovery causing an adjustment in values esp re materialism. For me that came from the realisation from my addiction that feelings of happiness are often independent of how much stuff I own.

I've done a couple of other posts like this over the years and different people have checked in and told us how well they're doing post-Sub. Was hoping to hear from some of those old names too.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 5:27 am 
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Patiamplius wrote:

I actually became Bipolar asymptomatic long ago thanks to some intense work with Ayahuasca - rebuilding my love for myself and shattering the fortress the ego had formed around my vulnerable core - allowing me to reintegrate the caged feelings that were igniting the fires of self hatred and thus allowing me to move on from the intense trauma of my early childhood. Scary stuff, not recommended for everyone - taking your mind to such places is surely risky to one's overall sanity. A roll of the dice, fortunately I rolled a few 6's.



That was really powerful. Good for you!!

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 8:21 pm 
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"Has anyone been faced with any significant mental or psychiatric distress?"

I think everyone who knows me here knows I have. I had my first and only psychiatric hospitalization during the first year after I came off of Sub. I've been off for 4 years now as of February (not counting my trial of 1mg buprenorphine to treat depression, which only lasted a few months.

I'm currently on 1 100mg 24 hour time release Ultram per day. Plus 0.25 mg clonazepam 2x/day and oral contraceptives to keep my hormones level. I know a lot of people disagree with a recovering addict being on those meds, but my psychiatrist keeps saying don't change a thing because this is the most stable I've been since before I started using. And she's right.

I also seriously underestimated the stress of becoming a substance abuse counselor. It's at least 50-55 hours a week, low pay, and very challenging patients (multiple psychiatric diagnoses, suicides, trauma, overdoses, homelessness...). You never feel like you can do enough. And I still have 2 teenagers at home. If I don't make some changes I'm probably facing another inevitable depressive episode.

But overall life is good :D

TeeJay, I know you didn't ask, but having read your other threads as well, the thought of you going off Suboxone or psych meds again scares me. I get it about wanting to be clearer to work on your past trauma, and wanting to improve your libido. But maybe consider a lower dose or some of the other suggestions members have made? I have the same issues, even with the meds I'm on now, but l need to be alive and functioning. There's no perfect solution- I was med free for a few brief shining moments, and it is a great feeling- until it's not. Neither one of us can afford another suicidal depression, or overdose risking relapse. As always, I wish you the best, and hope you can find a solution that feels right and is safe.

Blessings,
Lilly


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 29, 2017 8:48 am 
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I would never come off my psych meds. I will need them for life. Ideally one day I'd like to be free of SSRI's, mainly because I don't think they really help to protect me from relapses into depression in the long term. Also it would be nice to be free of anti-psychotics one day, mainly because of risk of tardive dyskenesia, metabolic disorders etc. In an ideal world I'd only need mood stabilisers.

Being Sub free is a dream that I won't give up on, not yet. But it's a while off yet. I'm going to stay on until I graduate uni, which is for another 18 months. So no stress about me coming off Sub. Not for a while at least.


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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2017 8:57 am 
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Slowly moving towards that 12 months mark. Regaining trust is the most difficult part than the habit itself. Don’t understand why some people always see through the lens of prejudice. Good Luck!!


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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2017 8:06 pm 
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Pelican wrote:
................

I've gotten back most all except the time I lost and my marriage. Altho it took me awhile to accept, my ex quickly remarried and I truly hope all is well w them. Best, P



That would be the part that I think would've done me in for good. I can't say what the future might've been had things gone differently...or if I hadn't gotten cleaned up when I did...or where I would be right now had I traveled a different path, or even just waited another 3 months before I sought treatment and help...who on this earth knows? (Nobody does...fact)..

I will say this...so many things could've went bad....but thank goodness I had the brief moment of clarity to NOT sign those damn divorce papers...and to NOT be mad at my wife for wanting a life free of drugs and the same for my kids, and booting my ass out of her life -- even though she went to live with her parents and it was quite the stress, for her it was MUCH better than the alternative of living with my addictive ass...no bill-paying, sorry, not working...and doing whatever I could find in pills...plus a very untrusting person and quite the liar...

Things just happened the way they did out of God's blessings I guess...that's all I can attribute it to. She had NO reason to want me...I was not a very lovable person, I didn't even love myself .... so why should she?
But, I kept putting off signing those papers. As tight as money was for my addict ass, I managed to pay my part of the divorce. She also paid her part. So we had paid for the lawyer. The papers were DONE..COMPLETELY ...the lawyer had finished his part and we just needed to finalize the signing. Then 2 weeks after signing, we would be divorced according to the courts. But I procrastinated on my part. I kept putting off signing...from around January 20 or so until April 18/19...I just made every excuse to NOT sign those papers.

I didn't want to end that section of my life...and apparently neither did she.

We mended our relationship...our kids got the father they should've had all along...and I actually wanted to live. Thank God above that I was able to have that part of my past as part of my future.
I wasn't high when I said I do and took those vows...and I did that in a clear mindset...so I knew it wasn't a mistake. She wasn't pregnant when we got married....but we were young..she had just graduated and was married a month later. I had been out of school a year...and got married...
Other than being young, we had the right kind of marriage...
But I realize that happy ending doesn't occur for everyone. Sometimes a spouse just can't do it..And sure, there are reasons why, whether they (addiction) are long gone, or they still exist, sometimes it just doesn't matter because mental stability depends on a person being out of that entire "setting"...

I don't wish divorce on anyone. Had I been sober for it, I likely would've cried a lot and got really drunk, high, or arrested ...and it would've been much harder to deal with...but I had my new "girlfriend" in my pill and that habit..
I told my wife that after I cleaned up my life. We were discussing addiction one day, and I flat told her that I was cheating on her with a pill...and I had what I thought was the love of my life -- pills. And I could do anything with my pills...they didn't care...nor would they give me any resistance ... And that's the truth. An addict doesn't make everything and every aspect of their addiction a known lifestyle for folks to see like an open book. Everything is hidden. Swapping pills for this valuable item, or promising this item of value for pills...lying, stealing, breaking trust...and it's all hidden.
And to my wife, the way she described it, to find out I was that badly addicted to pills was not any worse than finding out there was another female in the picture. She said she actually wished a couple of times that I would've been cheating on her with someone else, because at least that would have an explanation...

Years later...and we're 1 month away from celebrating 19 years of marriage...on June 6 of this year. Hard to believe, but we have a really good marriage, and we don't argue and fight ...
I see couples that put on this great show in public...all loving and stuff for public to see..but then they start screaming and cursing each other when they are out of earshot...
We're the opposite...we don't put on the publicity stunts and all the P.D.A....that's private. We hold hands, and such... But that's it for publicly doing that stuff.

When we visit the beach in a couple of weeks, she may even prop her feet in my lap and ask me to rub them while sitting on the beach...but sometimes these couples who act like they just gotta lay down and screw right there in walmart are the ones who hate each other and won't speak once they leave the public eye...it's all a show.
I've actually seen that first-hand with my best friend and his ex-wife. They did that in public...but in private ....oh boy. And being a really close friend, I was sometimes there when they would fight..


Sometimes though, it just doesn't work out...and sometimes it does. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes, if the spouse was also an addict, it's meant to be so that people can continue living. It's all dependent on the situation...

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PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2017 2:34 am 
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Thanks jonathan that was a good read.

I've had a couple of ex partners say they felt I cheated on them with drugs. One of whom got me back by cheating on me with a guy from the bar. Fun times!

I've actually put off getting married despite having an opportunity to do so, because I felt I wasn't ready or because I felt I didn't have my shit together enough to commit. Which leads me to where I am today - taking time off relationships and dating until I'm stable, graduated uni and (ideally) off Suboxone. I like hearing from people who are doing well post-sub because it gives me hope for myself.


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PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2017 7:22 pm 
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Three years next month!!! WOOOOO


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