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 Post subject: What would you do? Now
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 10:23 pm 
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This weekend I went to my parents house. They are older and it seems they go to doctor appts. 3 and 4 times a week. My dad has no tolerance for opiates at all......they make him sick. If he takes aspirin it makes him loopy (makes me envious). I went to the bathroom and for some reason old addictive behavior came back. I looked in the medicine cabinet and there were all kinds of pills...mostly antibiotics...I opened the cabinet below the sink and found about 60 bottles of pills all kinds of stuff from anitbiotics to diabetes medication. I saw a large bottle in th back and found it contained 90 NORCO 10/325 within seconds it was in my pocket. All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind...like I know they won't miss it...maybe I will need it someday...are they testing me? I have not had a single craving since being on sub.......what's going on? In a matter of minutes I said a prayer and put it back......why? At one point I was looking around for a camera...how stupid is that? I left my parents and drove back home (2 hours)..I thought several times about turning around and going back trying to think of an excuse to go to the bathroom.....This is clearly the old me...I thought I was better and this was behind me. Was this a test...a trigger...I know I passed but it scared the hell out of me...when I saw the words NORCO my hand was automatic when putting the bottle in my pocket. Now that I know this I worry about my next visit. I know I did the right thing but if someone was to see me do what I did they would know that I am still a liar and a thief. I am glad I didn't take it but it was a wake up call that I still have some work to do. I tried to call my sponser but he is out of town. What are your thoughts...am I better. I have been able to drive by ER's and urgent cares and was so proud that I had no desire to pull in and tell a lie to get pain meds.....this really scared me so I guess I still need to work on me and my choice of recovery....


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 Post subject: Never Cured
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 10:57 pm 
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Hi ReRaise,
First congrats on stopping youself from doing something you would have regreted!! All I can say is that the addict inside ALL of us is always waiting for a chance to put us in a tailspin...
I would def. suggest talking about this more with your sponser and maybe next time you go over the house bring someone that knows the situation and have them help you thru the time you are there! I know I can't do this alone. That's part of the reason I am out here to begin with.... Stay strong and keep up the good work on the forum.
Best of luck

God Bless
TW


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 11:08 pm 
Oh man! I feel you ReRaise!! Totally!! My mom has chronic back pain and like your dad, still has a pretty low tolerance for opiates....it's crazy....she should have a hell of a tolerance by now! I'm so envious too!
Anyway...she has Norco all the time. I used to steal them from her on a pretty regular basis. Disgusting...I am disgusting..I WAS disgusting!! I still, after a good almost 7 months stable on Suboxone, still have thoughts of taking "just a few" of her pain pills. What the heck?!?! Like you, I have these stupid thoughts like 'maybe I'll need some someday', 'she won't miss just a few of those'....Ridiculous!
Yes, every time it happens I question myself and my recovery and my stability. I question myself when I have some cravings. I posted in the "members only" section about my self-doubt with handling some stressors here lately. Along with that came those thoughts of swiping my mother's pills. It makes me nuts! But I talked with you guys about it, ramped up my exercise, my spiritual work, and quit tapering my Sub, actually went back up a tiny bit on it. And I'm still here. I haven't messed up.
You're not a theif or a liar. Those were things we did when we were actively using. We were real sick then. We aren't any more. We're sick, yeah, but not that sick! I think we just have to accept that this is part of the deal. All those thoughts and behaviors don't go away magically overnight. You've come a long, long way....you put it back....you didn't use anything....you did good. No, not perfect...but good.
I think these things serve as wake-up calls for us. To keep us in check. We're better, but we're not cured. We have a lot more work to do. And that's okay. We just have to keep working...not get lazy and think "hey, I got this" We don't have it! I've heard many times that when an addict thinks they've got it and they get over confident, they relapse. So how about we just let these things serve as a warning. We do have to remain on guard. My parents know of my addiction but even still if I wanted to badly enough, I could get to those meds. We all can....if we want to badly enough. But you haven't ReRaise, you haven't stopped in at the ER or anything. You're not so bad. You resisted. Keep resisting and learn a little more about yourself and about addiction every time something like this happens. I pray we are better for it and with time and vigilence we will get through it!


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 1:18 pm 
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Congrats ReRaise. That's a total success. I've had similar experiences. It's not a bad idea to have backup people and not just your sponsor. You should be able to call your sponsor's sponsor or your "brothers/sisters". Yeah, I think the thoughts are normal for all of us. To think yourself back into sane thinking in the face of such a temptation is a real achievement.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 1:40 pm 
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Hey RR!

Your thread asked a question: What would you do? Now


My answer is I'd think - I wish I didn't have that desire, but I do. AND - THIS TIME I PUT THEM BACK... THEREFORE I CAN CHOSE TO PUT THEM BACK AGAIN.

You did the right thing, and I think lots of us would have done something similar as you did. Doesn't success start with one right good decision, then another right good decision - taking them one day at a time? You took the step - GOOD STEP!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:13 pm 
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Glad you did the right thing RR. By far the best thing Suboxone has done for me is knowing that taking any kind of opiates now would be worthless/pointless and destroy the little bit of confidence that I've built up while on Suboxone from being able to feel like a "normal" (whatever the hell that means) human being and not some worthless pile of dirt that steals medication from their own family. I've run into the same problem as you several months ago was over at my grandpa's house getting mail and mowing his yard as he had recently been put in a nursing home. I had stolen medication from there when I was still using and for some reason I decided to just look and see if there was any drugs still in the cabinent they usually have been. Sure enough found a big bottle of oxy. I stood there thinking for a minute or two and then I was like "wait a second....they aren't going to do anything for me anyway at least not in the next several days". I finally closed the cabinent walked away quickly went outside to mow the yard. When I got home I called my dad and told him if I was going to continue having to go over there when no one else is there that someone needed to go through his house and remove all remaining meds. My dad took care of it and after that I didn't have a problem going over there. Had I have been able to actually get high when I found the bottle.....all by myself...with no one around I very seriously doubt I would have been able to stop myself from making a very poor decision. Anywho great to hear from you RR and I'm so glad you're ok :)

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"If you're going through hell, ....keep going!"
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 3:19 pm 
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What really strikes me with all of this is the rapid fire impulse that we all seem to have. Without even thinking, in the blink of an eye, those pills are in our hands and in our pocket - just like it used to be. I'm not even sure this is conscious thought though. In fact I don't think it is. I think it really is impulse. I actually teach this to music students, to paramedic students and the concept is widely used in sports, and elsewhere. The repetitive nature of playing a musical scale (or whatever) becomes second nature and you don't even think about what you are doing. You see a note on the bottom line of the music staff and your brain instinctively tell you to play an "E". That's how our brains work. It's how people get so good at what they do. It's because they don’t have to really think to be able to do - it's all automatic. That frees up our brain to work on the harder things.

Hopefully I at least scratched the surface on this concept. In any event, my thinking and my point, is that you reacted on pure impulse. The real important thing is that when you actually thought about it, you made the right decision. On autopilot, your brain made the decision for you. Once autopilot was turned off, YOU made the correct decision. Perhaps someone much smarter than I can comment on and better explain this. What I do know for sure is that I strongly believe our addiction is like riding a bike. And you know the old saying that goes along with that. It's not something that will ever go away. I think we are always going to be challenged with this. The question is, what will we do in the face of that challenge? It has not yet happened to me but I fear that it will. In fact, I try to take steps not to even put myself in that situation. In fact, I was at a friends house who I am pretty sure would have pain meds and I purposely made sure I went to a very small bathroom with no cabinets - just because I didn't want to risk the temptation. Although see how the thoughts were still very much in my brain? For me, it's about trying to stay away from running into any of those situations.

I'm not sure I helped this discussion along or not. Hopefully I have. My bottom line point to ReRaise is that I don't at all think you should beat yourself up for the impulse that your brain reacted on. It's the final outcome that you should look at. Beyond that it's a great learning experience - for all of us!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 6:12 pm 
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It is amazing that I too knew that if I took it...it would have no effect. I appreciate all the responses and it was a lesson for me. I woke up this morning and I got on my knees to say my prayers and thanked God for giving me the strength to do the right thing. It was like a flash....a flash back of old behaviors. I am so glad I dont have to live like that anymore and maybe God was sending me a message to continue to work on me and my spritiuality. I believe those in AA that says our disease is out there waiting on us...I am so grateful for suboxone and each of you on this forum. I called my Dad today and told him what I did.......he was quiet for a minute and then said hold on..He went and checked on the pills. He came back to the phone and said that it was his fault for leaving it in there......I told him it wasn't that it was just old behavior. He said I don't want you to feel like a criminal (I am 45) but your mom and I are going to lock up our medicine so no one else takes them. I am sure that is probably true but I am disappointed that I have to have them do that...It was bad enough when my addict nephew (now in prison for th next 8 yrs) lived with them and they had to sleep with thier keys and money on them while in bed. This is a f@@@@@ up disease.....and it does affect so many others not involved. I am just glad I can recognize my old behaviors more quickly now and make amends. Small setback.......I refuse to stop moving forward. Thanks for the suppport.


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 Post subject: Just to encourage you...
PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 9:56 pm 
Hey,
I'm sure in the same situation, I would have struggled, putting the pills in my pocket and putting them back over and over a few times. It sure goes to show the chronic nature of the disease of addiction. But, you have proved the difference Suboxone makes. If you had quickly tapered of the Subs, confident that you were strong enough on your own, you would have relapsed. I think this is a big lesson for many on this site. The reason most of us need the medicine indefinately is that the disease doesn't go away just because we feel better!


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 8:40 pm 
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You said it yourself....YOU PUT THEM BACK. Congratulations, and stop beating yourself to death, you made the right and only choice.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:16 pm 
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I would have to say you were acting on instinct especially since you made the right decision. When I was on suboxone I never had an issue or a second thought about pain killers. Didn't care, was grateful, and proud of it. However, minus any recovery program I did take a xanax once when I didn't need it and there were a few times when I took an extra dose of subox (like that does any good at 12mg which I knew, but for some reason I just did it anyways). Old habits die hard.

Now.......recently when I was going through massive withdrawal from the subox....my Mom came to visit and happened to mention she had ativan. I was in her purse the first chance I had to find it. She is too smart for me as she had it hidden well. Probably in the car. (I did not have the energy to go look there or I would have).

However, now that the withdrawals are over, I find I am generally uninterested but very concerned about being around them. Since I have to get a script Monday after surgery, I admit I am a bit nervous.

Glad you did the right thing and I would talk to my sponsor about it, but I also think it is really instinct.


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