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PostPosted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:21 pm 
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I have read a few peoples stories on here and they are very interesting. Especially what can happen when a "hidden" addict like myself is outed and how you are treated. What was the catalyst that made you quit? Mine was the money I was spending and the worry of getting caught. I spent thousands on pills until my life (and finances) were out of control and I decided NO MORE! I'm curious....what was everyone's "bottom" that made them say "I need help"!

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 20, 2010 9:23 pm 
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My embarrassing rock bottom was when I was taking xanax along with opiates and my hubby couldn't deal with me any longer, and I ended up at my fathers house. I tried to jump off a bridge and my father called the police and I was TDO to a mental institution where they kept me under a doctors care for a month (high suicide risk) . Having to have my daughter visit me at a place like that made me hit rock bottom hard. The therapy there was actually very good and I had previously been to 3 rehabs prior and I still did not stop. Well its been a few 24 hours later (as the NA/ AA members say) And TODAY Im ALIVE and WELL on suboxone and my daughter has never seen be doing better!


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2010 12:56 am 
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I had a little misundrstanding with the police.......will fill you in later.....little nudge from the judge......hehehe


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:17 am 
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My bottom was also driven by $$$$$$! I went on vacation to Florida (I live in Boston) last winter. Being the good addict that I am I had stocked up my medication for the 10 Day +/- Trip... Due to the timing of the trip my "friend / Dealer" fronted me a good amount of "Product". As my vacation went on I realized (again being the good addict) that my supply of medication was not enough to get me thru!!! I had arranged to have some "MEDS" overnighted to me if needed.... And as usual it was Needed.... Fast forward the story. By the time I got home and re-stocked my medicine cabinet I owed my "PAL" in excess on $6000 !!! :shock: Even for this addict that was a wake up call. So between the financial mess and my general bad health I finaly realized it was time to get off the roller coaster ride I had for a life... I had a scheduled Drs. apt. the day I came home from Florida and that's when I came clean with my long time Dr.!! It has turned out to be the smartest thing I have ever done for myself. He put me in touch with the Suboxone Dr. and the rest is history. I have been clean since 2-2-09 and never felt more alive!!
Anyway's that is a great topic for a thread on the forum. I hadn't told or thought about that for awhile... Its good to go back and remember every so often....
Thanks & good luck to all in Recovery!
God Bless
TW


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2010 11:12 am 
What made me quit? Getting called in to HR at the hospital where I worked and being told that they knew I had taken over a dozen amps of Demerol from stock the previous night that was unaccounted for. I had mainlined probably 600mg of Demerol that night and it wasn't the first time. I had also mainlined 100mcg Fentanyl at a time multiple times before but for some reason I was only "busted" on the Demerol (I actually know why but I won't go into it here) Anyway, yeah that's why I had to quit. Lost my job, lost my whole career of almost 20 years actually, lost my reputation, my income. That made me want and need to quit abusing opiates.
I had already lost my self respect - I lost it the first time I mainlined narcotics waste at work. And I lost it every time I used drugs that way thereafter. So I'd say that was my "bottom". Makes me so sick to remember.
Another bottom was realizing I couldn't stay clean in spite everything that had happened. Another bottom was the day I told my husband all this. Another one was telling my 70 year-old parents who thought I was nearly perfect! Lots of "bottoms" for me. I don't want any more! It hurts too much. This thing is absolutely devastating. I have never faced anything so powerful, consuming, and painful in my life. And it all started with a half of a 5mg Lortab! I hurt for every one who has become addicted to anything. I never understood addiction before it happened to me. I did not understand how difficult it all is. Congrats to all of us who are fighting this and winning - one day at a time - by whatever method. Stay strong everyone! I hope more people will reply to this thread. It isn't fun to go there, but I think it's good to remind ourselves from time to time that our addiction has cost us enough!


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2010 12:28 pm 
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Wow, to think back. I was maybe a little different, but I was terrified of hitting rock bottom. Sound wierd? Anyway - I had chased the losing battle of tolerance and had grown my need to 'feel normal' to over 100mg's of oxycodone a day. I was terrified of getting busted, police involvement, and losing everything. Being scared of that and knowing I was going to have to get more 'creative' to get my DOC - yanked my into reality.

Great thread post. I hope to read more. Another bottom for me was realizing I was out of control (in my out of controllness if that makes any sense) - and I needed to get help. Fear of people knowing, etc. Shame, and all of that played a part. wow. It's good for me (us?) to remember where we REALLY were when we reached out for help. Frantic might best describe my internal feelings - but on the outside all was well.

I am looking forward to others on this thread! Thanks for the topic.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:13 pm 
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I was involved in a car accident - likely due to the fact that I was in withdrawals from having run out of my DOC. I was very restless in the hospital (continued in withdrawals) but they were not able to put the whole puzzle together. A friend went to my house to "do me a favor" and clean everything so it would be so nice when I came back home from the hospital in a few days. Unfortunately, she found empty containers of my DOC while she was there. From there everything started to unravel - or my recovery started - or both. I was confronted in the hospital and just admitted what had been going on. I agreed to get help for my addiction. The day I was released from the hospital, I also learned that the locks had been changed on my place of employment and office. Several days later I was suspended from my job. Unfortunately too many people were made aware of this discovery - which is why these things were happening. I voluntarily went to in-patient de-tox. While I was there one or more of those who knew ended up going to the police as well. On the day I was to be released from detox (having been started on Suboxone) the police served a search warrant on my house.

I think I was at my bottom when confronted in the hospital. The bottom was lowered when I lost my job. The bottom fell out when the police became involved. While I don't think that I would have needed the bottom to go this low to get help, it certainly has served as a catalyst to make certain that I stay in recovery. Although, it also has given me multiple reasons for a relapse. Thankfully I have not even considered going that route.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:44 pm 
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Thanks to everyone that shared. I know it is difficult for me to take a long hard look at myself and what I have done in the past. I had to make a choice at the beginning of my recovery to forgive myself, (although it's hard at times not to be down about how different my life would have been without drugs). You'll have come a long way down a far more difficult path than I. Your strength to face your problems and overcome is something I hope you are proud of. I am truly and sincerely proud of you ALL! Because I am still a "closet" addict, everyone's kindness and willingness to be so open and forthcoming on here makes a difference in my life.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 12:10 am 
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I hit bottom every single time ( and there were many in the last 8 years) that I tried to go cold rattle, and gave up on the third day. That seemed to be the longest I could go without heroin, and it always resulted in a frantic sweaty tremulous call to whichever dealer who was a. holding and b. closest at the time. I would then slink out of the house, always making some fatuous excuse to my wife. She knew where I was going alright, especially as I would breeze in through the door about 3 hours later, full of the light of the world and no longer shivering and sniffing like a dog in heat.
Some of the stories of despair and subsequent recovery and hope make me feel very humble, and I wish you all the very best in your ongoing fight to keep your self respect and new found enjoyment of life. All journeys begin with but a single step, and it is so inspiring to see how many of us have made that first faltering stride forward on the road to recovery of our lives and self respect. I hope that every single one of you can now be at peace with yourselves and your families, and wish you all the very best of luck and determination to keep going.
Love to you all,
Sneaky


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 12:55 pm 
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My rock bottom was December 8, 2008. I was abusing Opana (oxymorphone, I think), perc's, xanax, smoking pot 24/7, and anything else that I could get my hands on. After several worsening days I finally cracked that day. Literally - I had a psychotic break. Couldn't differentiate between reality and my hallucinations. I agreed with my husband that I needed hospitalization. At the hospital it continued with the added element of aphasia. That was fun. I was hospitalized for 7 days. A really crappy psych ward, too, they were always keeping me from actually expressing my emotions, but that's neither here nor there.

They started me on Suboxone 2 days later, albeit without any informed consent (that would have been nice). Although that was the singular most terrifying thing I've been though, it saved my life. I knew if I didn't accept the Suboxone and go back to using that I would die. So even though I didn't voluntarily quit, so to speak, I made the choice to finally get off that hellish roller coaster. Almost 14 months later and I'm still getting reacquainted with my former pre-addict self. My husband is thrilled that I'm no longer nodding off mid-conversation. We can even joke about those days. Never thought that would happen.

Anyhoo, that's my rock bottom and although I wish it hadn't happened quite that way (I still have nightmares that I'll lose my mind again), I take it for what it's worth and be glad that SOMETHING happened to knock the shit out of me.

Thanks to everyone for sharing.

Melissa

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 1:38 pm 
Maybe it's a little "wrong" but I really like this thread. I find it so interesting to hear how others found their way to recovery with or without Suboxone. Some of us have such dramatic stories. Such painful experiences....like myself, Hatmaker, donh, ape and many others. I love what Hatmaker said about "something happening to knock the shit out of her." Wow, that's me.....for me to slow down and take a hard look at myself, I had to have my feet knocked completely out from under me!
I ask "why?" from time to time still. There is no answer other than, "Just because." Had I known about Suboxone, I feel certain my bottom would not have gotten so low. But I didn't....even being in healthcare, I had never heard of it. So things happened the way they happened.
My message now is that You don't have to have a bottom like some of us did. You can stop the madness long before you lose your career, your marriage, and so forth.
That's one of the things I love about this forum. I think we reach some people who are considering Suboxone and maybe some of our stories will give them the extra push to make that appointment and get into recovery. Maybe because of some of our experiences, someone else out there won't have to go through what we did in order to get help. Man, I hope so!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 1:46 pm 
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Very well said, Setmefree. I hope the same for those reading our stories.


M.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 12:58 am 
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Excellent thread!

I too have so many bottoms that I can think of. But, I will go with the one that made me realize I could not go any further as I was. Even after the fact of loosing a special gal, having best friends and other friends die, and other friends who are in jail (amongst a bunch of other shitty things that has happened)...I still did not get my shit together. There was a point where I did some calculations and figured out that I spend several hundreds of thousands of dollars in less than 10 years. Actually, during that time, there was a year span, or maybe a year and a half...when I wasted $110 k on legal and illegal meds/drugs....according to bank statements anyway. I cannot give an exact total number but it is too much and also, I am not bragging by any means....this is not a contest, I am just stating some scary (scary to me) facts. I am not rich, but hard working middle class/lower middle class, whatever. NOT RICH. Yet, I spent mostly all of my income and savings (I never had a decent size savings, then all the sudden my work exploded, but was very short lived) on something that was killing me. That is when I realized I needed to do something. My friends who were not using with me (real friends, not the drug friends) telling me to get help didn't mean a thing. Once I did see that I had a huge problem I thanked them and appologized for not taking their advice and told them how much I appreciate it now, but at the time obviously it meant squat!!

So, in summary, I struggled to somewhat get on top of things and was doing well for short period of time (financially anyway), and then I entered heavy active addiction. It did not take long, but as I said above, I blew through a bunch of money...everything I had really, and now I am in pretty bad debt. I have so many bills to catch up on, and credit cards, yikes..... BUT.....I am here. I am in recovery. I am working to fix what I messed up. I might never have financial security, like I had, again.....but it is my fault so I need to try and fix everything.

Once again, I am going on and on. The problem is there are sooo many details I left out and it might sound confusing. I am trying to make this as short as possible with making sense. Any questions please ask. I know I didn't end up in jail (close though), never IV'd, etc but to me loosing all the money and people in my life was MY bottom. There are other events which lowered the bottom or were close seconds to a 'bottom', but this is what I think mine was.

Thanks for reading.....

Best of luck to everyone....

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 8:57 am 
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This is rather humbling but a good topic.

I too have had several bottoms but my last one was guilt. I owned my own business and was spending $3-4000 per month on drugs. All of the extra money that should have gone to paying off our toys was going to oxy. My husband knew I couldn't be around narcotics and he would hide his scripts, but he did not know about the oxy. I would search the house and find them. I would take the narcotics and replace with tylenol and in one case birth control because it looked similar. He can't stand opiates so I knew he would not take them. But we were going to get married and the thought of telling him all of this made me ill. Plus there was a point when I was trying to go off the oxy and became so depressed we had to make a trip to the psyc ward. I was tried of tormenting my husband and myself. I secretly went on the suboxone.

Then in pre-marital counseling one day I just admitted to it. The counselor already knew because of my private sessions. I had to tell him BEFORE we got married. I thought it would be unfair to him otherwise. I will never forget how awful it was confessing to everything including the birth control sitting in that bottle. VERY HUMBLING.

But I did and he married me anyway. I think he is still a little angry at times but I don't blame him. I almost lost the best friend I have ever had over my addiction. That was ennough for me.


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PostPosted: Tue May 11, 2010 2:14 am 
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my rock bottom was having sex with one of my boyfriends best friends for oxycontin.. i felt disgusting. betraying my boyfriend of five years who i love for something thats not even an inch long? Another rock bottom was searching through every medicine cabinet at every house i ever went to. oh and i also got arrested because of them. long story..


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PostPosted: Tue May 11, 2010 8:44 am 
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I've lost count of how many times I've hit what I thought was my bottom, only to pull out a shovel and start digging.

I spent 16+ years in prison for armed robbery - crimes committed to get money to support my heroin habit. And even spending all that time locked up was not enough to keep me from picking up pills and developing a very nasty oxycontin habit when I got out of prison (which was almost 11 years ago, btw)


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PostPosted: Mon May 31, 2010 2:21 pm 
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Wow. Some great stories that hopefully will be helpful to other people on the edge.

I am one of those people that realized what a shitty situation I was in while doing research on sub. I was spending a ton of money ($5k/month on average) but rationalizing my use in terms of increased productivity (yeah right!). I've never had something control me and I slowly started to hate it. I started looking in to sub telling myself that I just had a 'small' problem and the sub would help me get control again. Then I found stories like these and did a real inventory. I realized how many times I had screwed my schedule waiting on Fedex to bring me that week's pills. How many times I had put something off to free up cash for drugs. How many times I had rearranged my day to send money to my dealer. I was terrified.

I only bought from one person. He had a 'crew' that went and got their MRIs and got in a pain management program. I bought about 50% of all their scripts and he shipped them to me once or twice a week. I realize now how damn lucky I was to never develop 'creative' skills. I never doctor shopped or bought from other dealers. After reading all the stories online, I thought, "gee, my dealer is a flake under normal circumstances. What will I do if he gets arrested or run over by a car?" It was then that a lightbulb went off for me. If that did happen, I'd have a maximum of a couple days to satisfy my needs. That would mean "crossing the line" and buying heroin or doctor shopping or worse. I realized then and there that telling myself "well at least I haven't done all that" was a bullshit cop-out. I would have to do it if something happened to my dealer, so just because I hadn't actually done it yet didn't mean that I was any better off. I figured I was like someone that had just been sentenced to 3 years in prison saying "well at least I'm not in jail" because his sentence wasn't due to start for two weeks. I had been living on luck and I knew that all the things I was afraid of would happen....it was just a matter of time.

I still delayed calling for suboxone. Every night I wanted to call but during the day I put it off. Then a meltdown occurred at work. A client stiffed us and threats of some heavy litigation popped up. That night, as I left with one of my partners and my wife in the car and while , as prescribed by my position, I had to be the shoulder to cry on for everyone else I diverted the car to our hotel to pick up some "extra" to get me through. Making up an excuse to stop at the hotel and making everyone wait while I went and stocked up was it for me. This shit had to stop. I made my appointment for 2 days later and inducted a couple days after that.

I realize now, as I said above, that just because I hadn't done all the things I was so afraid of (like using heroin), I wasn't any better off. I had been sentenced, so to speak, to winding up like that and there was nothing I could do about it if I didn't quit. From where I sit now I'm eternally grateful that I came to that realization before I crossed that line. If I want to relapse now, it will take a hell of a lot bigger effort than picking up the phone and calling someone. My longtime dealer is out of the picture. Without my funding he lost his cell phone and I have no idea where he lives. Without my money his ring will have completely exploded by now as I fronted everything to him....rent, doctors visits, pharmacy money, food money, everything! So if tomorrow I want to relapse, I'll have to develop a whole new approach and that won't occur quickly. I have no idea where to go outside of him to get pills nor do I know a single person that uses. While I'm sure I could get something if I tried hard enough, all that extra effort will give me a few days to think over my problem. If, say, 3 months from now some huge stress pops up and I want to use, I won't be able to secure drugs in 2, 4, 12, or 24 hours. I'll have to give in to that impulse not only initially but also for a few days until I actually find something. By constantly reminding myself of the depravity I came close to, I'm hopeful that during that interval the 'addict inside' will lose the argument to whatever rationale arguments come from the real me and, most importantly, my support.

I think posting our stories is very helpful to other "special" people. The more information out there to show people where they are headed to better. I feel like I was one in a million lucky to get off where I did. I had the motivation and willpower to start subs because I read the stories of others. I did not have the willpower to go cold turkey in an inpatient facility. I had to get a hell of a lot lower before I would have considered that. What Dr. Junig says about subs being for people that aren't totally desperate yet is spot on. I have no doubt that without subs I would have continued flushing my life down the toilet and I realize now just how terrifyingly close I was to passing a point of now return.


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 Post subject: where is the bottom?
PostPosted: Mon May 31, 2010 7:51 pm 
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I relate to the post above that says lost track of how many times hit bottom only to grab a shovel and keep digging. When I quite heroin back in 2004/2005 i didn't even quit all at once. I"d been off and on and off and on (but mostly on) for the whole time, for years. Finally in 2004 I started to maybe have a few more "off" times. I was pretty far down, I'd say, had big financial problems but still had a job, a home, friends. And really I've been trying to quit ever since I started. I was completely off heroin from 2005 to 2008 but I drank heavily during most of that period, and then started doing the ocassional methadone tab that started coming my way. But I didnt' think I'd go back to heroin. When I got on suboxone I don't think I was in full addiction either. I tried to tell the doc that, but she said "what take a chance,t ry the suboxone." But I don't think I'd have done any better without the suboxone, I think I'd have done worse. Anyway, I don't know what "bottom is" or at least, where it is. I don't really understand the concept--it seems to me there's always farther down to go until you're dead. Or you can stay there at the bottom, or keep crawling up a little ways and then go back down. And I guess some people never fully recover. But I guess as long as one survives, there's always some hope and value in striving to improve your life. Thank you all for sharing some of your experiences.


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PostPosted: Mon May 31, 2010 10:57 pm 
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The craziest thing about reading all these stories is that we have these horrible stories that would send normal people running for the hills and then we have a half dozen more after that. Most people that would get arrested, fired, over-dose, bankrupt, ect. because of a substance would never go near it again. I'm not judging, I have a list of bottom stories as well. When I went to my first treatment center like a hundred years ago, they would say "it can always get worse". How right they were. There's one that I always think about and will never forget. My wife and 2 year old son found me over-dosed on the kitchen floor on Mothers Day morning. At the time I was mixing coke and H and went down to the floor around midnight. I came to at 8:00 am to hear my wife sceaming, she thought I was dead. I remember always trying to use that as motivation to stay sober but it was never enough. Even 8 years later I still feel horrible about that one. When ever my wife is annoying me about something I will think of that and usually back down. God knows why she stick around through all that, I really don't know if I could. Great topic. Helps me remember and reminds me how great life is today. Remember the old saying "when do you know your at the bottom of a hole? When you stop digging"


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:15 pm 
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Like a lot of the people on this forum my "bottom" was not long ago. It was probably the best thing that happened to me in my life. Everything that I was neglecting in my life because of my addiction came down on me at once and I had to face the fact that I was helpless against these pills. I way unemployed for the first time in my adult life (I'm only 25), my finances were a joke (credit card debit, loans, no income), I was flunking out of college, and I lost the girl I thought I was gonna marry. Needless to say I was a mess for a couple of months after we broke up. I was using even more and I had no hope. I was continually beating my self up about everything. Then one day I decided that it was time to get help and everything has been slowly getting better since.


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