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PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 6:15 pm 
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I've had a few bottoms. The one that finally kicked me in the ass to get on subs was when I blew through my sons future, his college education money, about 70 grand I had gotten from a settlement and put into an account for him. It was gone in a couple of months. When I had to borrow money to pay back people I borrowed from, get evicted, blah blah blah .... I hit the (hopefully) final bottom. I've been on subs since May 2010. I'd like to stop, but I'm scared. Why do I have to be an addict?


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 Post subject: Constant Reminder
PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 2:41 pm 
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Everyone's story is beneficial to my recovery progress that I hope this topic keeps going and going. I re-read all of them again today and was humbled once more of the power that drugs have over our good sense.

So many names in the earlier posts I don't recognize, I wonder why they didn't stick around. Luckily we have a lot of good sobriety here and this site is #1 in my recovery toolbox.

Thanks all for sharing.

Tom

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 11:50 pm 
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I don't really believe in the idea of "one rock bottom to end them all". After reading this thread, I see that some people have had this experience, but I don't think it really applies to my addiction story.

Rather I had a few extremely low points of my addiction, the kind I cringed over for years. And interestingly enough, it wasn't the times I had nowhere to live, was in trouble with the law, in debt etc. The lowest moment for me were after I did something really low. One of these "low" moments involved stealing from a good friend, a good "samaritan" who gave me a place to live in an hour of need. On the way to scoring, I remember waiting at the train station, and I realised for the first time I was a junkie. I was maybe 20. I'd done some quite bad things before then, but that was one of those "low" things.

I struggle with the idea of one "rock bottom" to end all bottoms, because the biggest revelation in my recovery, and the closest thing to "surrender", didn't happen at a point where I had lost everything. It actually happened, I feel, on Suboxone, and quite recently. I'd just "sworn off" the heroin after a binge, while I was on Interferon treatment. I was quite "broken" though, sick from the using, and very crazy from the interferon. My girlfriend whispered some stuff to me before she went to sleep, and I stayed up all night thinking about my life. At about 3am, something in my head "clicked", and that's the only way I can describe it. I knew something big had shifted. All I can say is that for the first time ever, since I was a child even, I felt like my life had some value. I haven't really wanted to use since. This all happened while I had money, wasn't homeless, hadn't been doing crime, and only had a little bit of debt. Go figure?

My 2c.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 10:44 pm 
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:lol: [font=Comic Sans MS] [/font]
I'm pretty new to this site. but I saw this thread and thought it would be good for me to write.
I have always done something since being a teenager, and I'll be 30 in two weeks.
The point that I knew I was NOT in control anymore wasnt just one moment like alot of you have said. but my husband was pretty much kicking me out, my son (2 at the time) just spent his whole day in the car as I drove around looking for dope, I stole my grandma' s discover card, and took out over 6grand in cash advances, in 30 days, and let's say I wasn't able to hide anymore.
I pawned everything I had, including my wedding rings. Including family members jewlery too. I tried to stop on my own and had 2 siezures. One was right in front of my son.
I had a friend that went on suboxone that I used to "hang with" and she tried to talk me into it after she had a year of sobriety. at first I wanted NOTHING to do with it.
but the money you spend on your drug every day really gets to you sometimes.....It did me. I had about $100 a day habit. sometimes more.
I wrecked my car, got 4grand for the accident, and i was flat ass broke it 3 weeks. I remember thinking, why isn't there ever enough dope??? even if I buy 800 bucks worth, I'm still out in a week.
THEN I was like,,,,,its NEVER gonna be enough.
and my husband was done with me,,,
family too.
So I got ahold of that friend.
she took me down to the sub dr's clinic.
I remember shaking and sweating, shivering in the waiting room wondering if I would EVER be able to do this.
I had been thinking about only being able to stop opiates for three days before the csection for my son.

but 6 months later here I am. my boy will be 3 next month, and im happy to say, he's my biggest fan now. my husbands a good supporter too. and I have two family members that are absolutely supportive, and the others I think will come around. maybe they just need time....
thanks everybody,
I'm so glad to have found this site, and to have found the suboxone program....
keep fighting the good fight


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2011 11:57 am 
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Congratulations on making the changes necessary to get your life back! I am glad you were able to do this before losing your family. It sucks to lose all of your possessions and money but that stuff can be replaced, your family can not. Some people will need more time to come around, we spent so many years in addiction that it can take them sometime to give their trust back and in my view it's completely understandable.

Are you doing anything else to aide in your recovery, like meetings or therapy? If not I would urge you to do so as we typically have underlying problems that lead us to use. Of course everyone is different but if nothing else therapy or counseling can help us to learn how to live life on life's terms and help us to work thru our guilt from active addiction.


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 Post subject: Bottom
PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2011 10:48 pm 
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Well I thought I had my bottom 5 years ago...I went to treatment and my wife stayed with me. When I got out I started AA and began going sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. It really began to hurt my marriage. My wife and kids begged me not to go to a meeting and stay home with them but i went anyway.

After 4 months the obsession to drink was lifted from me but I kept going everyday. One day I met a woman in the meeting. She was much yonger and attractive and everyone used to say how beautiful she was. One day after telling my story.....she approached me. I made the mistake of communicating with her. She was in a relationship....not married but had two children with this guy. She lived in the same sub division that I did.

We began to talk after meetings....going for coffee.....talking on the phone and before I knew it my marriage of 10 years was in jeopardy. I did not cheat on my wife but I would say based on the things we talked about it could be considered an emotional affair. She left her man and moved to the town next to us. I thought perhaps I was in love and I decided to leave my home and wife of 10 years and two beautiful boys to try a relationship with her.

I got my own place and my wife was devastated......I think I was too but I allowed it to progress. We got legally seprated and it turned out my wife had been having an affair with the neighbor who she is now enaged to. I loved this girl from AA but honestly I wanted my family back.........my kids.....my wife.....my home.

My wife and I talked many times about getting back together and went to counseling. I even went home for 3 days but my wife could not forgive me and made my life miserable......I left again and went back to my apartment and to this girl.

She pushed for us to live together and she wanted me to be the father to her kids.......I wanted to be the father to my kids. She made appointments to look at houses so we could move into together and I just couldn't do it. I finally got a good job offer that would allow me to get back to my wife's hometown and less than an hour from mine. I took the job with the hope that my wife was going to move there in January with the boys. The woman from AA was devastated that I was going to take this job and move to another state. She was mad that I was not going to take her and her children. It was a very bad break up.

As soon as I moved.....my wife later called to say that she was engaged to be married and was not moving there. I was devastated. I can't tell you how many meetings I have gone to where the speaker admitted to beating his wife.....cheating...etc..but once he got sober his wife took him back....mine never did.

After 2 years my job finally let me come home to my children.....however my ex now as we were divorced by this time was still engaged with the neighbor and he was living in my house.

I moved 2 blocks away in a condo so my boys could ride thier scooters or bikes to my house. He didn't like that and they moved 25 minutes away to another town.

I met someone that I though was true love.........another addict. It wasn't to be as she lied to me and was not what she protrayed herself to be. I am very hurt by what she did and believe me there is way more to this story but I can't bring myself to wirite about it. I do beleive the depression that I have due to this relationship is very dangerous and I am scared of what I am capable of..........I have thoughts of things I never would have thought before. Right now I am in no condition to be a good father to my boys as depression as been the darkest ever. I know what kind of help I need and I have asked to take vacation next week and I know I am going to have to tell some medical professionals somethings I don't want to tell them. If I don't I am not sure what will happen. This is truly my bottom.................I am scared and I know what must be done. If it wasn't for my boys I wouldn't bother....but I love them and I know what must happen. I am just afraid they will lock me up forever.......

I did not plan on sharing this but I know I must......I can't go to a meeting because this person that came into my life may show up there and I am not sure how I will react.....there is so much more but just trust I know pain.........and this pain could kill me.....so I have to get help. I will let you all know how it goes.......

Jim


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 7:05 am 
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Oh, Jim, I'm so sorry. You've most definitely been through hell. And you can come back from it. You've gotta believe that.

But in the meantime, you're right, you need to talk to one of your docs about this. Have you ever been on an antidepressant? It sounds like it's time to consider one if you never have. Or if you have, maybe they need to adjust it.

I know the place you're in, Jim, and it is a deep, empty, seemingly bottomless pit. It scarier than shit, isn't it? I'm so glad you're open to getting some help.

You and I have known each other for what, a couple years? We've had our struggles, but I hold no ill feelings and I only want to see you feeling OK again.

I know this may sound silly, but have you ever thought about journaling? It's an excellent way to get a lot of that shit out! Maybe it's seen as a girlie-girl thing to do, but it's a great way to help cope. Intense feelings need to be expressed or they will sit inside us and fester. When we express them, the intensity of the emotions drop.

I wish you nothing but the best. And please know that we're here for you - always. Be well and be good to yourself.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 11:46 am 
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Hi, I know you do not know me but I have read just about every post on this forum so I feel like I know a bit about you. I too am sorry you are in such a bad place. I am also very impressed that you see you need outside help. So many of us just wallow in our sadness and desperation and do not seek the treatment we require. I have a sense that you are a strong person and although things may seem hopeless now, I have little doubt that you will get thru this deep depression.

I think Hat's idea to journal is a very good one. It is important to get all those feelings out and writing is very therapeutic. It will also allow you to see the progress you are making. I am so sorry you have been thru so much and for what you've lost. While it seems impossible now I truly believe that doors close because others will open in life.

I can absolutely relate to losing someone you loved and to find out you had been deceived. I too went thru this and an extremely deep depression. I spent so much time asking why, what's wrong with me, looking for closure. I never found it but as time went on it did get easier, then I met my husband. Today I realize the suffering I went thru was well worth it and I would do it all over again because that path led me to the love of my life.

Don't give up, fight this heartache with all you have because you will be happy again. I realize this is all easier said than done and apologize if I am over stepping my bounds since we do not really know each other. I sincerely wish you a life full of happiness and one day you will be happy again!


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 Post subject: Re: Bottom
PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 11:38 pm 
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ReRaise wrote:
Well I thought I had my bottom 5 years ago...I went to treatment and my wife stayed with me. When I got out I started AA and began going sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. It really began to hurt my marriage. My wife and kids begged me not to go to a meeting and stay home with them but i went anyway.

After 4 months the obsession to drink was lifted from me but I kept going everyday. One day I met a woman in the meeting. She was much yonger and attractive and everyone used to say how beautiful she was. One day after telling my story.....she approached me. I made the mistake of communicating with her. She was in a relationship....not married but had two children with this guy. She lived in the same sub division that I did.

We began to talk after meetings....going for coffee.....talking on the phone and before I knew it my marriage of 10 years was in jeopardy. I did not cheat on my wife but I would say based on the things we talked about it could be considered an emotional affair. She left her man and moved to the town next to us. I thought perhaps I was in love and I decided to leave my home and wife of 10 years and two beautiful boys to try a relationship with her.

I got my own place and my wife was devastated......I think I was too but I allowed it to progress. We got legally seprated and it turned out my wife had been having an affair with the neighbor who she is now enaged to. I loved this girl from AA but honestly I wanted my family back.........my kids.....my wife.....my home.

My wife and I talked many times about getting back together and went to counseling. I even went home for 3 days but my wife could not forgive me and made my life miserable......I left again and went back to my apartment and to this girl.

She pushed for us to live together and she wanted me to be the father to her kids.......I wanted to be the father to my kids. She made appointments to look at houses so we could move into together and I just couldn't do it. I finally got a good job offer that would allow me to get back to my wife's hometown and less than an hour from mine. I took the job with the hope that my wife was going to move there in January with the boys. The woman from AA was devastated that I was going to take this job and move to another state. She was mad that I was not going to take her and her children. It was a very bad break up.

As soon as I moved.....my wife later called to say that she was engaged to be married and was not moving there. I was devastated. I can't tell you how many meetings I have gone to where the speaker admitted to beating his wife.....cheating...etc..but once he got sober his wife took him back....mine never did.

After 2 years my job finally let me come home to my children.....however my ex now as we were divorced by this time was still engaged with the neighbor and he was living in my house.

I moved 2 blocks away in a condo so my boys could ride thier scooters or bikes to my house. He didn't like that and they moved 25 minutes away to another town.

I met someone that I though was true love.........another addict. It wasn't to be as she lied to me and was not what she protrayed herself to be. I am very hurt by what she did and believe me there is way more to this story but I can't bring myself to wirite about it. I do beleive the depression that I have due to this relationship is very dangerous and I am scared of what I am capable of..........I have thoughts of things I never would have thought before. Right now I am in no condition to be a good father to my boys as depression as been the darkest ever. I know what kind of help I need and I have asked to take vacation next week and I know I am going to have to tell some medical professionals somethings I don't want to tell them. If I don't I am not sure what will happen. This is truly my bottom.................I am scared and I know what must be done. If it wasn't for my boys I wouldn't bother....but I love them and I know what must happen. I am just afraid they will lock me up forever.......

I did not plan on sharing this but I know I must......I can't go to a meeting because this person that came into my life may show up there and I am not sure how I will react.....there is so much more but just trust I know pain.........and this pain could kill me.....so I have to get help. I will let you all know how it goes.......

Jim


I feel like I know you at least decently well and I consider you my friend. This is an online forum and all, but obviously we connect with people and get to know them better, and I.....shit, what can I say? I vouch for you, Jim. You are everything you put yourself on here to be and more than that. You got totally screwed by this chick and it would wreck anyone for a good while to be treated as heartlessly as you were treated. Sometimes, something like the devil comes into our lives and this person is a true devil. So, I'm glad it did not work with her, because she could have taken you all the way down.

Right now, I'm terrified for you, because I know without a doubt that you don't see yourself accurately. You have a fine heart; you are very smart; you are witty and funny; you are successful at your job and an asset to your company. You love your children more than anything. You own what you've done in the past and you deserve to be happy. There is nothing about you that makes you bad. Nothing!! Even the 'bad' things you've done are not as bad as you think. None of the good things are what you are seeing right now, so you just have to take someone else' word for it. It is all black to you right now, but you cannot believe that because it is a false picture. Please, please, please, just hang in there long enough to get help. You deserve help and lots of us have been so down deep, just like Hat and Breezy said. The fact is that you really are so totally cool and I think very highly of you. I hope the people on here realize that you are the real deal when it comes to character, and it breaks my heart to see one of the good guys so sad and down on himself. Breaks my heart!!! Bad people don't do this. They harm and destroy and just keep on going. Here you are beating yourself up over everything and blaming yourself for the misdeeds of others.

I want you to feel peaceful and proud of yourself. It can happen. It will happen if you keep being up front with what you're fighting and you don't give up. I'm here for you and so are the others on this board. Whatever it takes, man....you have to get better because you have a ton to lose if you don't. I wish I didn't live so far away. I wish I could help you.

Your Friend,
laddertipper

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 Post subject: Thanks
PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 11:17 pm 
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Thanks.....to all that replied. I know I shared somethings that were bothering me and sometimes it is not wise. I felt it necessary to share where I am.

The thing about being in AA and even on this forum is that ultimately I know what I must do. And.......that is to get the help I need. I scheduled vacation for this upcoming week. I meet with my Sub doctor Tuesday morning and hopefully get another script for a month. I think I might even tell him about my deep depression but not sure he even cares or understands. If I get my next script which I feel I will even though every month I worry because he is so intimidating. I plan to leave from there and go to my local ER.

I have checked with my Insurance and this hospital has a detox facility as well as a facility for depression. Especilally if you feel you are going to hurt yourself. I can no longer lie as I have felt suicidal for the last couple of weeks. I cannot control these feelings and althought I fear what willl happen with the custody of my children and medical records I have to do the right thing and tell someone.

This particualr facility will not give you a heads up about what they can do for you until you go to the ER and get an assessment. So.......do I continue to live this life of despair and danger or do I go get the help I need. I fear my sub doc wlll find out and cut me off...........the usual emabarassment..etc. But I have to do this. I have two woderful boys that I love very much and I have to get better. I have to find out what is wrong with me. I feel something is broken inside me and I have to get on the right medication. I hope suboxone is still part of the process but I am also an alcoholic and I recently began drinking again...........I want to go now to the ER but I need to wait to see my sub doc on Tues morning and then I will go.......He is gruff and I worry if I tell him the truth he will release me as a patient.......I know I can make it till Tuesday.

I know it wont be easy but the alternative is much worse. If anything I know that the love of my boys is more important than anything else. My sub doc has rules so calling him today or tomorrwo to get in sooner would just push me closer to the door .........so if anything .....just pray for me that I can make it to Tuesday and get to the ER and get the help I need. I hope they give me suboxone but if not they at least diagnose me properly and I get on the right meds. I have taken so many anti depressants in my life but I pray they finally figure out what is wrong with me. In order for that to happen I have to be honest which I haven't always been in the past.

Thank you all for your support and I will let you know how I make out. I want to live......I want to find love....I want to be there for my children but most of all I want to learn to love myself.


Jim


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 7:13 am 
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Jim, I think you're doing the right thing. And I don't see why your sub doc would release you from treatment. It's depression and it has nothing to do with your addiction treatment.

About a year ago, which would have been almost two years into my sub treatment, I went into a horrible depression (I won't go into the details). I went to my sub doctor (my psychiatrist was on vacation) and he immediately upped my antidepressant. What I'm trying to say is that your sub treatment has NOTHING to do with your depression. Would they take you off your blood pressure med? I just don't see how they would take you off sub. Try - I know, easy to say, but TRY not to worry about it.

Concentrate on YOU and what YOU need to get through this for you AND your kids. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this feeling you have WILL GO AWAY! It is NOT permanent. And that is what you need to remember right now.

Good luck and please know I'm thinking about you. Please take care of YOU.

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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 Post subject: Re: Thanks
PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 8:24 am 
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ReRaise wrote:
I know it wont be easy but the alternative is much worse. If anything I know that the love of my boys is more important than anything else. My sub doc has rules so calling him today or tomorrwo to get in sooner would just push me closer to the door .........so if anything .....just pray for me that I can make it to Tuesday and get to the ER and get the help I need. I hope they give me suboxone but if not they at least diagnose me properly and I get on the right meds. I have taken so many anti depressants in my life but I pray they finally figure out what is wrong with me. In order for that to happen I have to be honest which I haven't always been in the past.

Thank you all for your support and I will let you know how I make out. I want to live......I want to find love....I want to be there for my children but most of all I want to learn to love myself.
Jim


Getting help is the best choice you could make. IMO it's the only choice now you've chosen to live. You know the point in your illness when you need to get help.

I've read a lot of your fears in your post, and I can empathise. When we're depressed, we tend to imagine the worst case scenario for any situation. Try not to project about the future while you're feeling down, as we always neglect the positive outcomes that are just as likely.

I've also been going back into the "pits" lately, and am white knuckling and throwing all the tools I can at it. I may need medication in the end. But until then, I'll do the best I can.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 3:43 pm 
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Hi RR--

I'm so sorry to hear how badly you've been suffering. Relationship issues can be truly devastating. I don't know if you have tried any anti-depressants in the past but it sounds like you really should try something now. If you can get an appointment with a psychiatrist maybe you would not have to go to the ER or check yourself into a psych ward. However, if you feel you are truly in danger of suicide, of course you should not wait. One thing about anti-depressants is that even though it can take a while for them to kick in, often just knowing that you have a chance of getting some relief by starting on a course of them will give a person some hope immediately. Also some antidepressants do tend to work quicker than others and some people do get some benefit almost immediately, even from some of the SSRIs such as prozac which are generally expected to take at least a couple of weeks for noticeable effect. I just also wanted to say that people can and do take antidepressants for "situation depression." I think almost everyone experiences some kind of severe depression at some point in their lives and events like a divorce are certainly contributing factors. And a divorce is not something that most people get over right away either.The thing is, you do have to keep going, whatever you do. I suppose you know everything I've just said here already, but I just want to let you know you're not alone, not by any means. I'm glad you posted, even though it's not really with good news. I hope you find some sympathetic and competent mental health professional that can offer you some real help. Please do post and let us know how you're doing, I hope you will be feeling at least some better soon.


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Jail!


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 Post subject: Runner turned Pill head
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Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2012 12:32 am
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As many have said, there are so many bottoms one can find upon sober reflection. I am one of those "many". My addiction began about 5 years ago with a running injury. At the time of my injury I was running 10-14 miles a day, everyday. This alone, IMO, is an indicator of an addictive nature. After said injury, I was prescribed 5/325 mg of hydro to be taken every 6 hrs PRN. I quickly learned that this med allowed me to not only run w/ my injury, but run even further. My goal had been to run the coveted 26.2, the holy grail of running accomplishments to me at the time. Within 3 weeks I was taking two before each run, then 3 and so on and so on. I milked the injury to get more. Within 3 months I was taking 60 mg of hydro a day and I now felt I needed them to get anything done. No one knew. I tried to stop but even on that dose, I would wd w/out. After 2 years of this I heard about sub. I found a dr and was on subs for 2 years. I took only sub for about a year and when I switched careers, I briefly lost ins as I did not elect cobra. I decided I could (stupid, stupid, stupid) wean off of the subs with hydro. I ended up in another 2 yr addiction.... Only much worse. 150-200 mgs of hydro, 300-400 mgs of tram and an oxycodone hook up for when I ran out of rx'ed Meds. Discovered soma this round too and my running had ceased to exist. I intentionally dropped a 15 lb weight on my foot to get Meds. I couldnt resist looking through the medicine cabinets whenever a guest in someone's home. If a friend had sx, dental work, etc... I was the first one to offer to come by and "help". Pathetic.... 2 weeks ago I received a text from one of these "friends" or more appropriately victims of my non existent morals. She noticed she was missing percosets and said she felt it was me. She was right of course and there was no way to hide from it. I was busted. I had probably siphoned(sp?) 60 of her 84 pills over the course of a week. Talk about irrational behavior, as if that would go unnoticed!! Thing is, I didn't care when I was doing these things. The pills were just more important. Anyways, one week into sub therapy. Doing things a bit different this time . Those close to me all know I'm an addict working on learning and adapting new behaviors. I went to a group for addicts Fri night at my church. I have one on one counseling slated to begin on Wed. It's out there now, no more secrets. First time I turned to subs I told no one. My boyfriend, who I have been with for 7years and I live with, had no idea. I spent so much energy hiding my addiction and then my attempt at recovery that I still felt so isolated and sneaky. I know this time will be different, I feel it so profoundly that I find myself glowing with hope and excitment(pardon me for sounding cheesy but it's my truth!) thank you to all of you who share and listen a d comfort! I feel as if I can identify with all of you in some way!
And please forgive all typos etc. I am typing on my phone and well, I'm sure you understand:-)

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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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