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 Post subject: What the F?@&
PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 3:08 pm 
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I am so angry right now i need to vent to you guys to get this shit off my chest. Ok last night i had a group with my private program and what a nightmare it was. So it is an opiate group and the counselor ghad planned for us to watch a episode of Intervention. and than to talk about how bad enabling family members and friends could be to your use/recovery. and how to go about changing these situations.

Anyways i dont like shows like this and for the last 24 hours all i can think about is using. Because i cant watch somebody shhot up and the whole process of getting drugs than preperation and so on, without having really bad cravings and triggers. And i cant close my eyes without seeing the needle go into her vein and talking about the rush. I plann on saying something to my counselor and maybe even making a complaint. How is showing a bunch of addicts this helpfull o mean hearing it or reading it i can do all day long but it is the visual that i cant handle.

Thank god i am on a blocking dose of methadone right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for ranting i just couldnt hold this inside all weekend till i see my conselor on monday. And i know some of you are going to say what the fuck is wrong with this kid i watch that show all the with no problems but please understand i cant. I am going to school for this i read and hear this type of stuff all day but as soon as i saw that girl shot up that was it.

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Five years clean and this shit still haunts me.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 3:21 pm 
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I agree that I see no point in showing intervention, they only even deal with the family and enabling for one tiny segment. The rest of the show is just showing the person getting high on their doc. I could see this maybe for an alanon group or something but I don't really get addressing enabling to addicts. If they have a relapse they are not going to tell their families not to enable them. I understand your frustration with the trigger but try to put the anger aside it will only serve to hurt you. I would definately talk to your counselor about how this has affected you so the mistake is not made again, but for your mental well being I would try to give him/her the benefit of the doubt that they did not realize this would negatively affect you. Hang in there, this craving will pass and I am sorry you are going thru this.


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 5:12 pm 
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Thank you very much Breezy for the response it def helped me relax last night sorry I didn’t post till now. The craving like you said has passed and I now realize it is not the Counselors fault for showing that video and I will not be making any complaints, but I do plan on talking with my counselor about this more so to maybe understand what had happen. I didn’t think I would react so negatively to this video but something just came over me and all I could think about is how nice it would be to get high just one time. But I went way pass that and that is what scared me because I planned out the whole thing. Skip my dose at the clinic, tell my counselor I couldn’t make it because of traffic, than lineup the day I use with my drug test at the clinic so take my test Tuesday get high Wednesday, don’t go home, to a friends or my gfs but go to the movie theater or the mall I place I can sit down somewhere that wouldn’t look odd, and then were and how to get the drugs was the last thing till I told my mom I need help take my keys my money and just don’t take your eyes off me no matter where I go for the next 24 hours. Thank god I can talk to my parents about this and they understand or I would have been in some deep shit maybe I guess that is why I need to find a sponsor or something for times like this when my parents aren’t around like I said they understand but only so much VS. an actual addict who did use at one point.

So this really helped me realize that no matter how long I have been clean this will be a lifelong issue for myself and I have to always stay on top of it and never let my guard down again. Pretty much I got so comfortable because I have been clean so long that nothing would ever make me want to use again but boy was I wrong. And no matter what drug I am on suboxone, subutex, methadone or whatever else it maybe that it doesn’t block all cravings and thoughts like that and I can’t rely that much on the medication or I will only have another episode like this it could be tomorrow or another year. I always have cravings from time to time but this one took the cake for the worst I have ever had in my entire recovery.

Anyways thanks again for listenging and replying it really did help me and I just want you to know that.

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 11:25 pm 
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Bboy I hear you. For SO LONG I just couldn't see people use drugs - especially IV drugs, cocaine and heroin - on television. Any time I would read about it, see it, hear about it, I'd get this feeling of anxiety, and if I kept getting scared of the anxiety, and fuelled the fire, eventually I'd be so anxious the only thing I felt could cure my anxiety was to use heroin.

That was basically how cravings went for me. Fear of using, then the anxiety building to the point where I felt so uncomfortable that I needed relief.

Just quickly, something weird happened to me lastnight. My girlfriend put on a DVD called "Candy" with Heath Ledger. It's a real graphic heroin movie. At first I was a bit concerned about how it would make me feel, but cos some stuff has happened to me lately I thought it would be okay. I watched it, and all the using pictures, the "equipment" .. everything.. it didn't make me feel any cravings, or anything at all. It was really strange. Here's me, the worst "trigger surfer" around (I liked watching / reading things to bring on cravings), not get triggered by watching what is my worst heroin movie? I dunno bboy. All I can say is recently I kinda made a pact to myself that it doesn't matter how anxious or crazy I get, I will never use. And somehow that "broke the circuit" and I haven't had a craving since.

So if you wanna be able to handle seeing this stuff better, try examine why you use, and whether using gives you what you want. When you realise that Pain + using = more pain, and the stuff in between is irrelevant, I think you'll be able to see any using in the world and it won't touch you. The pain and the suffering on the other hand? That stuff still shook me up!

I just hope this lasts for me, and that it'll last for you too!


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 4:00 am 
I don't think it is all that weird for someone who is new to recovery.

I do think it is weird for someone who is 5 years clean.

Are your cravings managed on a full-agonist?

Only you know what is right for YOU.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 2:34 pm 
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Hey Bboy -

In school we watched a video about triggering images (events, places, whatever) that was really enlightening.

In the study that the video was about, the researchers put recovering addicts into a PET scan machine. They were scanning brain activity by measuring blood flow to different areas of the brain. While the person was in the PET scan, they were shown a series of images. Embedded in the series of images were images that were flashed at about 1/16th of a second - not long enough to be perceived consciously, but long enough for the subconscious to see.

The images they flashed super-fast were triggering images like a crack pipe, a syringe, a person using, whatever. Remember, the subject was not conscious of "seeing" these images, they were like one or two frames inserted in with some other benign images.

What happened when these subliminal images were flashed was pretty impressive. The PET scans showed a large increase of brain activity in the areas that are related to addiction. The scans lit up like a christmas tree.

If something that small can trigger our brains without us even knowing it, then it makes sense that a conscious perception of someone using would also be quite triggering. It's just a brain function that goes off pretty much without any conscious input from us. The best we can hope for is that with time and practice we are able to perceive the triggering event and the brain reaction we experience and then use whatever tools we have to shut that reaction down before it leads to relapse.

I know I harp on this all the time but one of the most powerful practices that we have to do this is meditation. A regular practice of meditation can help slow down the process and helps us cultivate awareness of what exactly is going on in our brains below all the "thinking" and internal dialog and other bullshit that's on the surface distracting us. A lag time of a few seconds between a trigger and the (sometimes unconscious) decision to use might just be the thing that saves us one day.

And for the record, after 4 years in recovery and over 2 years off Suboxone I still don't like to watch movies that feature a lot of drug use and I sure as hell don't watch Intervention. That show makes me think super irrational thoughts.

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You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 3:10 pm 
I can't edit my last post, but I wanted to let you know I wasn't trying to sound judgemental or anything, if I did.

I don't have any good friends who are on methadone that I can ask questions to, and I have only ever taken it for a few days at a time, so I don't know much about it and I am kinda curious. I don't think it is for me though. I only take 1.25 mg of Sub per day, so unless someone would be willing to switch me to like 10 mg of methadone per day as a take home script, it wouldn't happen.

I don't like watching that stuff either, but it doesn't make me feel as bad as it did when I first stopped.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 11:12 am 
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Hey Bboy! I am so glad you made it thru and that you worked thru the anger. You should be very proud of yourself, you fought off an intense craving. All the planning and stuff you did is irrelevant because in the end you did not use! I think this turned out to be very useful to your recovery. You have learned that you are still going to have triggers and intense cravings from time to time and you can now have a plan in place for next time. You did great!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 1:49 pm 
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I cannot stand intervention, I do not think I have watched an entire episode since I got clean. When I was using, I would occasionally watch so that I could see people who were "worse" than me. I cannot believe your counselor showed a video of it. Sometimes I wonder what is going through the heads of some recovery "professionals".


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 2:04 pm 
stephent wrote:
When I was using, I would occasionally watch so that I could see people who were "worse" than me.


Holy crap, me too!

I am fine watching some episodes, just not anything with needles. That makes me feel funny.


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