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PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 11:23 am 
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I've been on some sort of external chemical for the past at least 7-8 years. Whether it was Gabapentin, Klonopin, Zoloft, Adderall, Suboxone, heroin, pills, WHATEVER. I've been on Gaba and Subs for the last 3 and I'm not complaining, really I'm not. Subs saved my life and I wouldn't be here without them. But..

I don't remember what it feels like to....

wake up in the morning not angry that I have to get up. (Because my body feels like it weighs a thousand pounds and getting up is the most difficult thing I do all day)
Not be staring off into the distance during class and work because I'm tired
Be able to just wake up and go to sleep without taking something
Not have to carry around a strip or two in my wallet just in case I get stuck somewhere
Have my body just be my body

It's going to take me a long time to taper from both Suboxone and Gabapentin. I'm on a pretty high dose of Gaba, 1600mgs, which I do attribute a lot of my symptoms to (I think, I don't remember one without the other)

I want to remember what it's like to just be normal. Does it ever come back?


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 1:15 pm 
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Gcor, I'm sorry you are struggling. It does sound like you are overmedicated, so you have some slow and steady tapering to do.

I was "normal" for most of my life. I didn't take anything but a birth control pill. When my son was born via c-section I wouldn't take anything stronger than ibuprofen because I was nursing my baby. I used to throw away scripts for percocet and other opioids.

My point is that I do remember what it was like to be normal. Here's the thing for me though. Normalcy was restored for me when I was inducted onto buprenorphine. I did feel like I was dragging a bit at 16mg so I slowly tapered to 3mg, and there I sit. I'm not on gabapentin though, so I don't know what the combination feels like.

Have you mentioned this to your doctor? I think you hit the nail on the head though. There is tapering in your future.

We are here for support should you need us.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 2:45 pm 
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Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
Gcor, I'm sorry you are struggling. It does sound like you are overmedicated, so you have some slow and steady tapering to do.

I was "normal" for most of my life. I didn't take anything but a birth control pill. When my son was born via c-section I wouldn't take anything stronger than ibuprofen because I was nursing my baby. I used to throw away scripts for percocet and other opioids.

My point is that I do remember what it was like to be normal. Here's the thing for me though. Normalcy was restored for me when I was inducted onto buprenorphine. I did feel like I was dragging a bit at 16mg so I slowly tapered to 3mg, and there I sit. I'm not on gabapentin though, so I don't know what the combination feels like.

Have you mentioned this to your doctor? I think you hit the nail on the head though. There is tapering in your future.

We are here for support should you need us.

Amy


Thank you, Amy. It's amazing how life is, you sound like a strong woman!

And I totally agree that when I got on subs normalcy was restored, more normal than I could have ever wished to be during my addiction (I'm talking about once my dose was figured out and I started maintaining for awhile) I was originally on 16mg and was sleeping and puking all day long. The reason for this is because I was actually already completely withdrawn and clean when I started subs, I got on the bandwagon a little late (I would've killed to have them while w/ding) I also remember being on 2mg for awhile, I have no idea how I swung that and why I went up so much further after that. I think it was just to control my cravings.

Congrats on your taper to 3mg, that's freaking awesome! I'm amazed by what people do sometimes. How long did that take? I would honestly think that after 3 years and a not that high dose, the Sub probably isn't effecting me that much anymore. Does anyone have this experience where they've been at a dose for a long time?

I have mentioned this to my doc, and she did put me on a taper schedule. Unfortunately it was also around the time I quit smoking and I ended up backing out and going back to my original dose. So my plan now is to completely wean of the Gaba and see how much the subs are effecting me. If I feel like I'm still zombified I will attempt to taper my subs.
Thank you so much for your input, I love to see and hear about all the amazing things this community has to offer. It's truly incredible.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 4:43 pm 
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Hey gcor!

I totally get what ur saying too. I didn't become addicted until my 30's and I look bk sometimes and remember those days that life was tough.... but I never turned to anything to help me through, I was actually normal. I remember waking up in the morning so peacefully and not having to take one thing. I remember those days well and I do miss living that way. I went to work at the same job for 10 years and had the same normal problems ppl that weren't addicts faced. I could kick my butt all day long every day for messing that up but it won't help anything. At least I can now say I've been through hell and bk and somehow I'm surviving and happy.

The part about taking something every day doesn't bother me really. I don't see it any different than being a diabetic.... just dealt a not so healthy card like I'm sure diabetics do (my father has type 2 diabetes). So that part doesn't bother me much. It does bother me with the all day doctor visits and the financial part, but I truly try to remember what my life would be without having to do all that and I know it probably wouldn't be good. Plus I can always find another doctor or change who I go to for my treatment in the future if I choose to, I'm not stuck in stone I guess :)

So I look at all these things and I always think to myself that 'normal' is different for everyone, but it would be great to just not have to jump through hoops to feel normal again. I totally get what ur saying and believe me, u aren't alone in feeling that way or wishing it was different. I often wonder if I'll be on this medication for life or if I'll ever be able to try a life without it. Right now I just don't know. But if life was perfect, I wouldn't have to take anything but Advil lol but if it was perfect there'd be no use for that either.

Great topic gcor!

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 4:00 am 
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I find it interesting that someone would start a thread based on this question because it's one that I've been thinking about a lot recently. I do remember... And I wish there was a way for me to go back in time and tell myself not to take that very first recreational drug. I don't want to get into whether or not marijuana is a 'gateway drug' or not, but it certainly was for me. I've been depressed as long as I can remember and I believe the very first experiences with alcohol and pot triggered or awakened the addiction gene in my brain.

I didn't spend a lot of time using alcohol and pot after taking my first pain pill for recreation. There was no going back now that I look at it. I didn't stand a chance against the power of poppies and the medications made from them. The first time I got addicted to morphine back in 2004-2005, I was taking 60mg tablets and would take them all through the day. I would pop a few first thing in the morning, then some in the afternoon and again at night. I remember frequently waking up sweating at night and would take a couple more just to get back to sleep.

The crazy thing is that I was getting them from a friend who shared a house with a doctor. His nickname was literally "Doc" and he would show up with thousands of pills at a time. Morphine mostly, but there were times when he would have oxy's, percs and vicodin. I didn't even know that the sweating at night was withdrawal. I didn't have a clue what addiction was supposed to be like. It took me a long time to realize I no longer had any control over my habit. I learned that lesson the hard way when the "Doc" went a couple of months without resupplying his "clients". I got so sick. But I was able to find some more until I was ready to admit I needed professional help. And I was so thankful when I finally did.

That's why I can't believe I allowed myself to get addicted again. But I did and this time I decided to take the doctor's advice and take a pill called buprenorphine. I wish I was doing better but the truth is I'm under a lot of stress and sometimes I really wish I could take a handful of pills for relief. That's why I'm so glad I decided to stay on sub therapy because I think I would probably be back to taking pills to cope with everything I've been going through lately. I feel horrible for even thinking that but it's true. So I'll trust the bupe and it's ability to protect me from myself. But I really wish I could do life over without the drugs, both legal and illegal. I wonder what amazing things I might have accomplished. I wonder if I would have enjoyed more happiness instead of such torment.

- OpenMind

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 6:04 am 
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jennjenn wrote:
Hey gcor!

I totally get what ur saying too. I didn't become addicted until my 30's and I look bk sometimes and remember those days that life was tough.... but I never turned to anything to help me through, I was actually normal. I remember waking up in the morning so peacefully and not having to take one thing. I remember those days well and I do miss living that way. I went to work at the same job for 10 years and had the same normal problems ppl that weren't addicts faced. I could kick my butt all day long every day for messing that up but it won't help anything. At least I can now say I've been through hell and bk and somehow I'm surviving and happy.

The part about taking something every day doesn't bother me really. I don't see it any different than being a diabetic.... just dealt a not so healthy card like I'm sure diabetics do (my father has type 2 diabetes). So that part doesn't bother me much. It does bother me with the all day doctor visits and the financial part, but I truly try to remember what my life would be without having to do all that and I know it probably wouldn't be good. Plus I can always find another doctor or change who I go to for my treatment in the future if I choose to, I'm not stuck in stone I guess :)

So I look at all these things and I always think to myself that 'normal' is different for everyone, but it would be great to just not have to jump through hoops to feel normal again. I totally get what ur saying and believe me, u aren't alone in feeling that way or wishing it was different. I often wonder if I'll be on this medication for life or if I'll ever be able to try a life without it. Right now I just don't know. But if life was perfect, I wouldn't have to take anything but Advil lol but if it was perfect there'd be no use for that either.

Great topic gcor!


I remember waking up on summer mornings as maybe a young teen, or pre-teen (12-14) with the fan blowing right at me and the windows open and letting in the summer air. You could always smell the left over night a little bit right along with the flowering of the daytime. I would do anything to go back to that time, when I woke up in the morning with everyone else ready to go! Maybe it's not even a bupe thing but man I miss that.


As far as normal being subjective, you're right. I will probably never wake up as sprightly as I did, also because I'm not a kid anymore and instead of waking up to play around I'm waking up and going to work. Still, having a natural sleep/wake cycle would be pretty cool!


It's interesting the connection you make to being a diabetic, I actually love that it's kind of true! We need our medication to maintain our health and so do they. Man I shouldn't complain, diabetics are always having to fix their high or low blood sugar, it's a constant battle for normalcy.

For now I don't know what my normal will be, or when, but I won't find out soon. I guess all we can do is make our current normals the best fucking normal we can. :D


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 6:05 am 
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Thanks for all the replies my good people, keep them coming!


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 1:29 pm 
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gcor, now I wish I was able to wake up with a quiet summer breeze blowing in the window with my curtains blowing in the wind....... ahh what a wonderful picture u painted in my mind. U know what is sad for me though, I wouldn't have that opportunity until fall lol because I live in the most humid ridiculous hot muggy place in the summer lol. I miss summertime being enjoyable but it's gotten so awful in the summer here. I have no idea why I'm talking about this but as long as we're wishing we could go bk to normal, I'd love for my summers to go bk to how it used to be too :) Have a wonderful day!!

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