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PostPosted: Mon Aug 12, 2013 1:16 pm 
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Usually, I'm told that I give great advice. And being an advocate for Suboxone, I actually have a private message on my Facebook for a guy who runs a Suboxone clinic telling me that I'm such a big advocate and they need me on their team, asking me to come into their Suboxone clinic - along with being a patient as well...because of things I've posted and said on their page about Suboxone (being pro-Suboxone)...

Now...my mom...who lives 400 miles away in Mobile...has a problem. A MAJOR problem. It's been slowly escalating for years, probably 7 or so..but she moved in with some people 7 years ago, an elderly couple. The old man was my mom's drug dealer/supplier of opiate painkillers. She has lived with them since she moved down there...and the elderly wife died a couple years ago. I've had phone calls in the past 2 years from my mom saying she was going to kill herself..that I didn't love her, that my Suboxone was NO worse than the drugs she did..and I ..not wanting to fight on the phone...just said OK...whatever.

Well, now it's time to act. The old man died last week of a heart attack. My mom has already called all of the family (the ones that will STILL speak to her, that is) asking for a place to live. She has until the end of the month to find somewhere to stay. She will NOT give up her drugs, she already told one person that. She won't call me or respond to my texts because she knows that when I talk to her, being clean is a part of being in my life -- otherwise I can't have a relationship with her. And I stressed to her that she can NOT come live with us...we already have houseguests here and are helping my wife's parents while they get a place (which, by chance, will be on my property when the time comes). I'd do anything to help my wife's parents...but my own mom on the other hand...I can't allow that.

I got the call over the weekend, we went to visit some friends in another town and stayed two nights ....and while I was there, my aunt calls and asks what I think about having my mom involuntarily committed. Nobody is going to let her live with them, and she's going to be out on the street because she won't help herself. And before long, she'll be dope sick from not having her 1)opiate pain meds, and 2) benzos.
she has such a benzo habit that she has seizures without them. She needs to be inpatient where they can slowly bring her down..which is going to take a lot of time and probably will be a risky process.
I just don't know what to do.
I'm afraid that I'm going to have to take off for Mobile on a solo trip and handle this crap...or worse, she'll just take a bunch of shit and OD, like she's threatened to do already..and I'll be called in as the next of kin to identify the body. I really have been waiting on the call saying she killed herself because she really doesn't care about life or doing without drugs.
And I really am at a loss of what I can do, since I'm limited on anything I do to begin with...I'm not sure that I won't just add more fuel to her already flaming fire.

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Adam Wayne P.
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October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2013 12:01 pm 
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Being an opiate addict, the withdraw although painful will not kill her, BUT, Benzo withdraw is DEADLY. I once had a benzo addiction and I had to be put in an inpatient rehab so they could monitor me every day and while taking anti-seizure medication so I would not die or be a brain dead droolin fool.

Please call your mom and tell her about how deadly coming off benzos are and that it could mean her death to give them up without doctor's supervision.

I know it seems like she had totally pissed you off but she is your MOTHER and I would do this last act of kindness and get her to go inpatient. These rehabs... they try to wean you off so slowly and painlessly as possible with monitored narcotics to slowly get you clean.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 7:26 am 
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raudy1975 wrote:
Being an opiate addict, the withdraw although painful will not kill her, BUT, Benzo withdraw is DEADLY. I once had a benzo addiction and I had to be put in an inpatient rehab so they could monitor me every day and while taking anti-seizure medication so I would not die or be a brain dead droolin fool.

Please call your mom and tell her about how deadly coming off benzos are and that it could mean her death to give them up without doctor's supervision.

I know it seems like she had totally pissed you off but she is your MOTHER and I would do this last act of kindness and get her to go inpatient. These rehabs... they try to wean you off so slowly and painlessly as possible with monitored narcotics to slowly get you clean.


I think I've had my final conversation with her about it. I saw your reply last night, but just didn't feel like coming in here to reply...yesterday was an awful day.

She called me up, raising hell and telling me she wasn't worried about getting help. She continued on her tangent about not being able to stop what she was doing...tried changing the subject...then finally made the remark "you won't have to worry about me much longer"....for the umpteenth time, a suicide gesture from her. This is FAR from the first time she said something like that...and by the time she said that, I was beyond angered. Even being an addict and understanding addiction the way I do, I still was beyond pissed off...and when she made that remark, I replied "I tell you what..you can keep saying that kind of shit and I'll just come down and sign a petition to have you committed."
That's when it happened.
Her reply was one of hatred, and the most obnoxious, selfish things I've ever heard come from her:
"YOU can't do that, I gave you up for adoption and you're NOT MY SON."
My reply was silence. That was it...she doesn't know but she just pushed me as far away as she could ever have pushed me...in all the years, through all the addiction, she's never made a remark like that towards me. But if she will refuse any help I try to get and tell the officials that I'm not her son...then FUCK IT.
I shouldn't feel that way and I hate that I let it go that far...but she really took things too far in saying that, and shortly beyond that point the phone call ended.
She tried to call back a few minutes later and I ignored the call..at that point I didn't want to hear from her again and still don't care to. And my wife is more pissed about it than I am...she's never liked her to begin with and this just made that worse than it ever could have been...

Thing is, you can't explain death and danger to someone who doesn't care. And she doesn't care. If I called and said the Xanax would cause death, she'd said something like "that's what I'll use then"...
You gotta understand...she's not a addict who's been eating pills for a couple years. We're talking decades of hiding from reality. 20 years, 30 years...she's 52. The last time she was clean was when her 24 year-old daughter was in the womb. All those years of addiction...her mental state isn't willing to accept anything especially if it's got to do with her not having her drugs.
At this point...my attitude is "fuck it"...and I don't know if I can muster up the courage to change that either.

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RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 9:56 am 
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Hi Jonathanm. Love your new, "improved" signature! LOL. :D

Your story is so heartbreaking to me. I've read it so many times trying to figure out what to say to you. I wanted to say something the other day, but I had no words then. Not sure if I do now either, but I'm going to try anyway.

I know you know this, but your mother is very sick with a disease that is robbing her of everything. Her thinking process is long gone for now. I bet she doesn't even realize what she's saying until long afterwards. I know that your extremely hurt by her words and I would be too if it were me. But maybe, Jonathanm, just maybe she is reaching out one final time in the only way she knows how to get some help? Maybe like using reverse psychology on you or something like that? I'm certainly guessing here and not entirely sure, but could that be possible? Could she be trying to get you so mad that you take her and have her placed in a facility for help in the only way she knows how?

Maybe she is attempting to get you so mad and disgusted with her that you do something like have her committed. Maybe she realizes she's at the end of the road and has no where else to turn but you? Maybe when she tried to call back and you didn't answer (for good reason) she was going to try and apologize to you for saying such hurtful things? Maybe not.

I think you have to put aside any hurtful feelings you have right now and help this woman, your mother, as best as you see fit. If you have to drag her out for help then do it. She will go kicking and screaming for sure, but in the end it just might save her life. Maybe that's what she really wants deep down?

Raudy is right, the benzo's are the worst part to this and death can indeed occur from them. I nearly died twice abusing those things.

I don't know if anything I said here helps, or makes you feel any better. Just please know that was my heartfelt intention. I wish you the very best in this tough, tough sitution. I just know that no matter what was said to me, if it were my mother in this situation I would do what I felt necessary to save her life.

Take care Jonathanm, and please keep us updated.

Karen xoxo


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 5:57 pm 
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A lot of people might disagree with me on this, but trust me I know where youre coming from, and I completely agree with you Jonathan. My mother is also an addict and sometimes the best love is tough love. Sometimes the only thing you can do to help someone else (and save your sanity) is to say fuck it and walk away. I walked away from my mother for 8 years because she chose drugs over her children, and only in the last couple years have we started to rebuild our relationship. She is the parent and you are the child. Yes she is sick, but she is supposed to be looking out for your best interests as her child, and putting your recovery in danger because shes being a selfish addict is not looking out for your best interests.

I may come across harsh, but I've dealt with this crap from my own mother more times than I'd like to admit. I've had my mom tell me tell me during a drug induced paranoid rage that I was a liar and the only reason I came to see her was to gather information on her so she couldn't see my sisters kid anymore. She's stolen from me, called me a bitch and all sorts of nasty names. She got in a car wreck with my brother who was ten at the time, while she was fucked up. My brother broke his collar bone, and she had a scrape on her knee. While they were at the hospital my brother is screaming in pain and she's in the next bed screaming at the doctors for pain medication for her knee totally unconcerned about her son screaming in pain five feet from her.

Addicts are selfish. They expect everyone around them to bend over backwards for them even though they aren't willing to do a damn thing for anyone else. Then they get pissed when you don't want to deal with their shit anymore. In my opinion you need to cut it off now so she knows she can't treat you that way. It's not ok for her to say those kinds of things to you. I would tell her you are more than willing to have a relationship with her once she's cleaned up but for now you are done with her and her bullshit. There's nothing more you can do for her if she's unwilling to do anything for herself.

I hope the situation gets better for you jonathanm. I feel your pain an know how hard it is to watch a parent deteriorate and not be able to do anything about it.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 9:14 pm 
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Hi Jonathan - I have no words of wisdom for you, and I can only imagine the hurt you must feel. I just wanted to tell you my heart goes out to you and your family. I can't give you any advice, but I think Squeaky is right. You can only do so much for someone who won't do anything to help themselves. Just know that you have done all you could. That's all you can do. My prayers are with you. Susie


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 2:29 am 
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I have to agree with Squeaky that it is time to worry about your own recovery and your own immediate family and put some distance between you and your mom. All she needs to know from you is that if she's ready to get help, she can call you and receive some limited assistance. The last thing that your recovery needs is a co-dependent relationship with your mom. Your wife and kids count on you and they don't need your focus on a person who doesn't want help and isn't capable of a relationship with you.

The emotional distance you need with your mom will also help take away the anger you feel toward her. You need to make your life be OK with or without her. We are not required to love and support our parents, no matter what.

I hope for the best outcome possible, whatever that may be.

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 18, 2013 9:57 am 
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I haven't had any further contact with her, per se, since the day she told me how she felt regarding me and the adoption...
But she has called up my neighbor's brother...because back before 7 years ago..when she lived in THIS area, she talked with this guy and he had a liking for her...and he knew she was in deep and couldn't do much to help her...and didn't try.
But she's called him, and it seems like she's played the pity card on him, and he's spoke with me on phone, and also wants to come to his brother's today and talk with me while he is next door. I am not sure I want to see her return to this area, because for one, meth is making a return in this town, and now, heroin is pretty easy to come by..you gotta figure it comes across from georgia via I-20, and i'm only 20 miles from that interstate..and I-65 sees all sorts of the Florida drug-traffickers running up through the middle of the country. Just like Atlanta sees it's fair share. Birmingham has seen a sharp incline in heroin and now it's easier to get than pills usually. I'm not sure of the clarity of product they are dealing here, never even seen it, but I hear people talking and have some police friends.
so..while she may have someone almost willing to go get her, I'm almost to the point where I can only agree to her coming here if she goes into a program, and I don't mean outpatient. I mean something where she doesn't have any freedom until she earns it....like a place called the Foundry in Birmingham. (http://www.thefoundryonline.org/)
So, if she would go into that, I would be ok with her being here.

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RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 14, 2014 11:13 am 
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THis post is old what happened with your mom?


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2014 11:34 am 
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I'd love to hear what happened to her also.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2014 12:08 pm 
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Sorry wrong thread!


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2014 6:34 pm 
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Well, it's been quite an eventful year. She moved to within 45 minutes from me back in September '13..and lived that close until January of '14. She was still eating pills, mostly Xanax and tabs, and the guy she was with couldn't take that so she had to go.

She moved to Mississippi, and close to some 'family' that I don't associate with very much. And somehow they've managed to help get her clean...though not as clean as I'd prefer. She has kidney stones and has been to ER once for them, which netted her a few Norco..but I can't really say anything when I'm 6 hours away. She is with a guy that will not tolerate it and if she stays clean, he will make sure she's taken care of. She really has it made if she keeps herself straight...I just hope she does. I actually just got back from where she's living, we had a family reunion last Sunday (7/27)..so I've seen her and even stayed with her for a few days. I've waited on her to clean herself up for 35 years now...so it's way past time for it.

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RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2014 8:40 pm 
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Hey Jonathan! I'm happy to hear the good news about your mom! I know there's a real chance of relapse for her, but this is the most encouraging information I've heard about your extended family maybe ever!

I hope that your mother took her opportunity of being clean to make some amends with you! I don't know if her personality has changed that much in recovery or not. Drug abuse obviously doesn't bring out the best in people, but sometimes it just lowers people's inhibitions so they say what they really think. I just want to say that you deserve a mother who loves you unconditionally and fully! You are such a good parent yourself, despite your mother's terrible example. I hope your mom's true, sober self is much more positive and loving!

Amy

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 10:44 am 
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I haven't been able to spend much time with her since she cleaned up, but the reunion was nothing but a cluster-fuck of bullshit and she's right in the center. Her brother/his wife are saying she wanted the reunion and they weren't sure they could do it due to him breaking his back on a fall while off-shore ...and she was attacked by her pit bull in May and had some injuries from it..and they said my mom wanted to do it regardless..so they do all this work and kept asking her to help and she refused...etc..etc. Said she was lying about having kidney stones and being sick with them...
he said/she said bullshit is all it is to me. I've never been very close with the aunt & uncle in question, and we've had some pretty serious arguments, including court when it came to my sister and the custody battle back in 2004. They pulled some pretty petty shit on me, like asking why I made my 13 year-old sister pick up dog shit for a dog she wanted to bring into my home ...I didn't want the dog and my sister did...and I told her she was going to take care of it. That was thrown at me, in court..mainly because they couldn't find anything better to really throw at me.

I've tried telling my mom to let the bullshit go and quit telling people in the family. It's like each side is trying to get others on their bandwagon...
I added the aunt back to facebook after quite a few years of ignoring her, and she's been posting comments about my mom for 3-4 days now... which is totally childish. If you want to let something go, then shut the f--- up about it and quit posting shit on facebook. This is exactly why I despise facebook...the aunt and my mom aren't even friends on Facebook, yet there is shit being said that my mom can't see...
I won't say my mom is totally innocent in it all...but she isn't posting shit to facebook either. I'm just tired of reading it from the aunt, and she's only been my facebook friend for almost a week now...I'm ready to delete her again. Doesn't really matter to me what the fight is over, stop badmouthing people who can't even see the shit you're saying via social networking.
Even if my mom is calling or texting people and telling them, that's not facebook...and she would at least be keeping it in a somewhat private manner, out of the public view for every single friend you got to chime in and call her a bitch..which was done earlier today. I finally had enough of people commenting on the aunt's post and I made a status of my own that said something along the lines of "if you want to really let something go, you don't keep posting about it every single day and allowing people to say things in comments..."
So she's hid the posts from me so I can't see them.

Let's keep in mind that this aunt constantly talks about God and being a Christian in her facebook posts...but does this when faced with adversity. I've seen the same side of her in arguments on the phone...and been hung up on quite a bit by her.

I couldn't be more sincere when I say "I don't give a fuck about the bullshit"....
I really don't. But I don't want to see people who don't have a clue calling someone a bitch that they don't know. Right is right, wrong is wrong.
Two wrongs don't make a right.

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Adam Wayne P.
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October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2014 11:39 pm 
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I agree! It's ridiculous to use facebook as a platform for bashing other people, particularly when the targeted person isn't there and can't defend themselves!

It galls me in particular when I see someone who posts about their faith all the time, but sinks to the lowest attacks at the slightest provocation. Very hypocritical. Some people seem to need drama in their lives at all times and will start shit if they get bored. Lame.

Amy

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