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PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2011 7:30 pm 
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[font=Tahoma]Hi All...
First, let me just say how relieved I was when I found this forum...just knowing that there are other "Broken" humans out there like me was a comfort.

I had my induction appt last Thrusday and was sent home....to now return Tuesday. Let me explain, I had quit taking my doc on October 28th...(200-300MG of Morph a day). By the 10th day I was jumping out of my skin....my poor husband was at his wits end and found Sobox on-line. He spent and entire day trying to find a doctor who would see me right away....no small feat. He finally did but the apppt was until the end of the week....so back to using I go....Now during my detox I had taken valium to help me sleep and didnt think a thing of it. I go to my appt and boy was I scared. My dr. asked what I was taking and I was honest with her but I honestly did not remember the Valium. they gave me the drug test and of coarse the Valium showed up....the Dr. was not nice from that point out...she said that I lied to her and she gave me every opportunity to tell her the truth and I still choose to lie....I was caught completely off guard. This is my very first time looking for help and I have never openly disscussed my addiction with anyone so I was so uncofortable as it was and it truly truly truly was an honest mistake.....She told me that she could not comfortablly start me on the sobox until the valium was out of my system....so she said I am going to ask that you come back next Tuesday. Wow!!! Seriously!! I felt like I just called the suicide hotline and they put me on hold!! :cry: :( [font=Georgia] [/font]

So naturally, I cooped on my way home. I bought enough to get me through until Tomorrow morning when I will begin my 24hr. withdrawl process....UGH!

I am so scared now. I dont know what to expect from Subox and the thought of withdrawl AGAIN makes me want to just give up. I know its time to for me to finally quit once and for all but now I am second guessing everything. This Dr. Made me feel like a complete looser and I was asking for help. I am so scared to go back there but they are the only game in town (I live in a very rural area where Dr.s who work with Subox very scarce). What am I truly in for? I know my 24's will be hell but does this really work as well as everyone says it does? I am afraid of sobriety too....its been so long. I feel like super woman on my DOC and I am afraid that I wont like or even recognize the real me. I guess this is just my mind getting the best of me since I got off on the wrong foot with my Dr.

Thanks for listening.
Kelly[/font]


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2011 9:32 pm 
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Hi kellylins and welcome!!!!!
I can remember beening scared and freaked out about my first appointment. It has been almost 3 months ago, whow time flys when your having fun LOL
I had to sign a contract saying I would NOT take any valium or zanax while on suboxone something about your breathing it could slow it down and be dangerous.
I have to say suboxone has done WONDERS for me and my life. I am free of any drugs and I'm lovin it. I would think you will love it too. My family is so proud of me and say they see the old me back.
Hang in there stay strong and soon you will be on your way to freedom. Good luck with your doctor and I hope ya'll can work together. I'm sure your not the first and will not be the last to have had takin a valium while in WD's,
Keep us posted I'm cheering you on
Get excited and soon you will be on your way to freedom and your husband will love having his wife back, but more important you will love being the wife you once was.
:wink: Mel

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 Post subject: Thank you!
PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2011 11:54 pm 
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I wanted to just say thank you for replying to me!!!!!!

For the first time in a very long time, I actually feel "Connected" to something. I have tried to quit 4 times before and was not successful, obviously...lol but this is the very first time I am getting help instead of going it alone. In fact, other then my Dr.'s appt. I have never openly dissucssed my addiction to another living soul! My dirty little secret is outta the bag. lol :roll:

I just took my last morph tablet that I will ever take, ever!!....YIPPPY! I am having a slew of emotions right now. Im sad and it feels like I am ending a very long love affair (of sorts)...but estatic at the prospect of a new life. I'm having a lot of "firsts"....for the first time I am feeling hopeful, just in general. I dont feel like the hopeless looser that I did sitting infront of that Dr.

What has my anxiety level at an all time high is the unknown. What I mean is that I had just gone through 9 days of detox and when the Dr. sent me home empty handed and feeling like a looser....the first thing I did was buy more morphine...like any self respecting addict. Well what I felt when I popped that first pill was not "high" what I felt was "normal". That scares the shit out of me...It truly was the first time in 10 days that I felt back to normal..human. I am going to have to find the "new" normal for me...but what if..underneath the drugs I'm a bitch? or what if....I just dont like me? I am sorry to just ramble like this....I just reread this and the whinning is a little over the top! From all the research I've done I should consider myself very lucky to even have this opportunity. Sabox programs are very hard to get into around here and the fact that they are even willing to treat me is an incredible gift. and so I need to focus and not squander the opportunity that has been given to me.

I'm going to go to bed and with a little luck and whole lot of praying, my 24 hr. detox tomorrow will not be the hell I am imagining it to be. I'm ready, willing and able (I hope) to dig in and get started on this new chapter of my life. Thank you for making me feel less like a freak. I will keep you posted as to my appt. and all the lovely things that go along with that.
Hugs,
Kel


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 12:21 am 
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Hey KellyKins,

I remember being nervous as hell when I was about to start on Suboxone too. All those doubts would creep into my mind, all those fears came crashing back, etc, etc. Well, about half an hour after my first dose of Suboxone, I felt effin' great!! I was stunned at how it quickly it brought me out of wd and to a place where I felt great.

One more thing, the worry you have about finding the "real" you again.....don't sweat it dude. We usually find out that we're not as effed up as we think we are, nor are we as great as we think we are!!!

Hang on tight Kelly, I think it'll be worth the wait.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 2:26 am 
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Kelly, any decision to change ourselves is really daunting, as is letting go of the security blanket of our drugs. You have no reason to fear yourself, and the person you will become off drugs. Our identities and feelings are in a constant state of flux throughout our lives, and we are always changing and being shaped by the world. The decision to get out of addiction is one of those big changing points, where we begin to let go of the negative behaviours we've picked up, and learn new ones.

Your doctor sounds like someone who's not afraid of cracking the whip, and I don't see that as a bad thing at all. I personally think you're onto a winner. In early recovery it's important to surround ourselves with the people we need, not the people we want.

I have no doubt that forgetting to mention the Valium was an honest mistake. Is it possible your addiction was behind the reason you forgot though? This is the kind of stuff we face heaps in early recovery, the convenient mind-tricks. The fear of living without drugs can make our heads play these kinda games, and we're never aware of it at the time.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 10:09 am 
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Hi and welcome! Like you and I think most others, I was scarred to start sub. It was a complete waste of anxiety, within 30 min of taking that 1st dose I felt great! No more withdrawls, and for the 1st time had hope that I would conquer my addiction. You will be just fine, it sucks to have to go thru withdrawl again but is totally worth it.

While I agree some strictness can be a good thing in early recovery, I think your Dr may have gone a bit overboard. I too took valium during my withdrawl and don't remember telling my sub Dr. I was also given a drug test and he never said anything. I felt so horrible and just wanted to start the sub that most everything said in that 1st appointment went in one ear and out the other.

I know you may have gotten off on the wrong foot and feel your Dr was unnecessarily harsh but you have to remember they are used to dealing with lying, cheating addicts. With time and good behavior on your part your Dr will see that you are serious about recovery and begin to trust you. Being addicts we need to gain trust, it isn't usually automatically given.

I sincerely hope you stick with it and go thru with your induction because you have your whole life ahead of you.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 12:56 pm 
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While I am not making an excuse for the doctor, please try to remember that they do have to deal with people trying to scam them, get Sub to use as a "not get sick pill" for the weekdays, people not showing up or testing dirty time after time. Sadly, not everyone who decides to get on Suboxone is totally ready to make the changes that THEY (only they can figure out and actually do what they have to do) MUST make to stay off.

What is your plan? Suboxone alone usually doesn't cut it, especially at first.


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 Post subject: Day 1....
PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 4:21 pm 
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Thank you everyone for replying to my post. I agree that I need to surround myself with people I need rather then those that I want. My Dr's appt. went well. She is a tough cookie and for me, that may be a good thing. I went in there feeling terrible but you were all right, within a hour all of the WD had more or less subsided.

Its kinda funny that you all mentioned what my Dr. has to deal with (the lying, cheating addict...thing) well, while I was there I guess there was a patient that came in after me and after he was called in to see her he came flying out shouting rather nasty things and stormed out the door. I have no idea what transpired but I have a better appreciation of the kinda things and tricks that this doctor has seen.

While I feel so much better physically I do know that my next step is to find counseling of some kind. I have my own business with my husband and right away I can see triggers for me. Its weird that I can see the things that used to make me want to use and not want to use at the same time....if that makes sense. I know that I am going to have to change a lot of things in my life if I am going to stay on the right path. I know it wont be easy but I never ever want to go through that hell ever again. I guess that is why they say...one day at a time. Today is day one. Go Me!

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 2:02 am 
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I was just about to call it a day and I was reading some other posts and now I am feeling restless...
The post was about someones doseage experience. They wrote how docotors perscribe higher dosages for the money and how their friend was perscribed 16 mg a day which was insanely high...well my Dr. Perscribed me 24 mg a day.
I am a self pay and do not have insurance. My doc expalined the difference between suboxone and the generic. and because of the cost we went with the generic...about 6 bucks per dosage.

Now the cost doesnt bother me because my pill habbit before treatment was so much higher but now I feel like there is something really wrong with me. Why would they perscribe such a high dose if this isnt normal?>> Maybe I'm over thinking this but it is really bugging me. As I said, this is merely day one. I'm worried that my addiction will just transfer to this or wow, I dont know what I'm thinking. It just really got to me when I read that.

I'm just sayin...

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Kelly

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 2:47 am 
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KELLYKINS wrote:
Now the cost doesnt bother me because my pill habbit before treatment was so much higher but now I feel like there is something really wrong with me. Why would they perscribe such a high dose if this isnt normal?>> Maybe I'm over thinking this but it is really bugging me. As I said, this is merely day one. I'm worried that my addiction will just transfer to this or wow, I dont know what I'm thinking. It just really got to me when I read that.

I'm just sayin...


Try not to worry too much about it. Doctors often err on the side of caution, and feel it's safer to use a higher dose than to have someone relapse.

If 24mg leaves you feeling too drowsy, or even "stoned", I'd suggest you call your doctor and let him know how you're feeling.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 7:03 am 
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It's normal to start out on a higher dosage. After you've stabilized for awhile, then is usually the time to get down to the lowest possible dose that addresses both your withdrawals and your cravings. Allow yourself to stabilize first. And like tearj3rker said, if you notice too much drowsiness (that's often a sign of too high a dose), then just speak to your doctor or drop back on your dose if she gave you that discretion.

Remember, one thing at a time. You don't have to get down to your maintenance dose right away. Good luck and keep us posted on how you are feeling.

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 10:43 am 
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Hi Kelly,

I just wanted to point out that post was simply one person's view. It is a rumor that drs get kick backs from R & B to prescribe sub. While 24mg is on the higher side it is not uncommon, especially for induction. Like the others said if you feel over medicated you can try to drop your dose and see how you feel. Don't put too much focus on what dose you are taking, ultimately it's just a number. We are all different and require different doses. I am on 16mg and there are people that say even that is too high of a dose but that is what works for me, so for me it's not a high dose it is the right dose.


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 Post subject: Thank you
PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 3:46 pm 
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Thank you very much for your replies. I do feel better. I dont know what was wrong with me yesterday...other then it was day one and I was still a little freaked out by the whole experience. When I had read that 16 was considered a considerable high does, I thought that I just be more messed up then I thought...lol

I do appreciate your support. Normally this kind of thing wouldnt bother me at all....I guess I am pretty sensitive at the moment but it is just one persons opinion and I keep telling myself the old addage about opinions...lol

Day two and the fog is starting to really lift now. Wow, what a difference!!

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Kelly

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 6:55 pm 
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kellykins
I'm fairly new (just starting my 3rd month) and I totally agree with you that some of this post are really scary, really scary. Then you read some they are amazing and they make us happy and excited. So I feel like you some days and other days I'm stoked. I had to realize what is best for me and my family and for now and maybe a very long time is my suboxone program, having time to change the way I think, the way I react and the way I live. At first I thought subs were all I need now I know I need more I have an appointment with a counsler dec 6th. I'm excited about it because I've been ALL kinds of drugs since 13 years of age and I;m now 43 so I know I have some major issues I need to face and work out some I know about and probably most I don't but whatever they are it is time to deal with them and move on. hopefully there will be a day I will be drug free and maybe not time will tell. I hope this all works out for you and yours. soon you will be stable and feeling alot better. Knowledge is a good thing so I say keep reading and learning all you can about this medicine. Then you make the right decision for you.
Mel :wink:

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 10:45 pm 
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Getting kickbacks from pharmaceutical companies for prescribing higher doses is illegal. I'm a cynical person myself, but I find it hard to believe a pharma company would get away with practices as blatant as this. The marketing pressures are a bit more subtle than that, at least in my country. So I have no reason to believe your doctor is getting any kind of kickback by prescribing you a higher dose. Addicts fresh out of addiction are often really sceptical of motives, sensitive to being ripped off. This comes from dealing with shady individuals for many years, and it can be hard to let go of.


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