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PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2013 5:19 pm 
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Hi everyone, I am new to all of this... I am not really sure what to do or how this might help but I have to try something. Ill just start with my story i guess.
I have beed dating my fiancé for almost 3 years, we got engaged 5 months ago and were supposed to get married next Friday. I knew he was stressed out about all the plans, but so was I, so I thought it was normal and it would all go away after we got married. I also knew that he had been taking some strong pain meds for back and head pain but I thought he had it all under control. 3 days ago I walked into our apartment to find him passed out in his own vomit. I freaked out and immediately knew he had taken too many pills. I took him to the hospital but they gave him fluids and told me to just take him home. So I did.
Then I was going through his phone to see where or how he got so many meds and found out he had been meeting up with some bartender girl who had been selling him oxys (plus doing a little extra on the side). I was devastated and couldnt bear to look at him anymore. So i called his sister to come stay with him and I left.
The next day he was a little more coherent and wanted to talk and so did i. I had been crying nonstop, not knowing what I was going to do bcz I still love him so much and I want to be with him. I went to talk to him but the opiates were not out of his system yet and I still couldnt really understand him, other than the fact that he still wanted to be with me too. The next day he checked in to an out patient rehab center, and I was right there with him. He was immediately put on suboxone and has been on it for 3 days and I can tell hes clearer than he has been in a long time.
I am very conflicted bcz I know he wants to get better, but I am scared hes just doing it for me and not for himself. I love him with all my heart and I want him to get better but what if he can't? I dont know if I should stay away from him or be there to support him while he recovers...
I am lost....


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PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2013 6:14 pm 
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Have you asked him flat out if he WANTS to stop? Bc if he is ready, the Sub should help him in that aspect. Most addicts are so ashamed they hide a lot of their drug abuse (I knw I did!). If he is truly ready I vote for you sticking by his side!

Oh, & btw --welcome!!!!. I am sure others will answer you. I have a lot more to say actually but I must hop in the shower for work :/

Keep your head up.

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PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2013 6:21 pm 
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thank Amy14921978
He says over and over again that he wants to get better and he wont let something like this ever happen again. I want to believe him but i thought nothing like this could ever happen and it did.


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PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2013 7:20 pm 
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Newgirl,
I can only imagine how hurt you must be feeling right now, and I am sorry for that :cry: . But I do want to assure you that your bf's addiction likely has zero to do with YOU. I do not know your boyfriend personally, so I can only speak for myself when I say this, but I know that in my own case, I hid my pill addiction from everyone, including the man that I love with all of my heart. I wanted so badly to tell him, but I was afraid he would not understand. I was afraid that he would just say "well then stop taking that crap". No one totally understands that in the case of addicts, we know NO way to just stop, or believe me --- most WOULD. If he is telling you that he wants to get better or get help, only YOU know wheather you ought to believe him or not. If he seems sincere, I would be glad the vomiting incident happened BEFORE the wedding. Because that would truly suck if it hadn't, and you two went thru a marriage ceremony and said your vows while he was high (I am sure if he is like most, he would have made sure to have his supply all set up so that he would not be sick and miserable during your wedding.) I know it may be hard to see right now, but this may have just been a blessing in disguise.

I just realized that I am writing this and assuming that your bf has some sort of a long history with opiates...is that true? Would he become ill without them?

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PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2013 7:29 pm 
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He has been using them for a few years now but I thought he wasnt abusing them and that he had it all under control. There is addiction in his family so i should have know to be more diligent to make sure he wasn't taking too many but i trusted him...
I am just scared that he is only getting help for me and not for himself


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PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2013 8:01 pm 
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Newgirl,
It sounds to me like you two need to have a good conversation about everything. Maybe if he were to be reassured that you still love him and you are going to stick by his side (if you do and are) he would be willing to tell you the whole story. Sometimes we need to hear the whole story in order to start to understand and forgive....

And although I am NOT making any sort of excuse for him texting the bartender chic (bc, again, I dont know him)...just please know that addicts often talk to people they don't even like, go places they don't wanna go, say things they don't wanna say, and associate with people they never would if it were not for those individuals having access to the substance (pills) that we so desperatly need at the time. And I say "need" purposefully....because when you are dependant on opiates, it is sheer hell when you run out. Physically and mentally. Hell. There is no better word for it.

But here is the good news: Suboxone (for those who are ready to get clean) brings all that to a screeching halt. It allows an addict to feel "normal" and function again without popping pills all day. Without thinking about when, where, and how they will get their next hook-up. Although in reality Suboxone does have many positive and (to some) many negative aspects, alot of people look at it, at least in the beginning -- like it is a miracle drug. It fulfills the body's need to fill the opiate receptors in the brain, without making the person feel high (as long as he/she is on a proper dose). For me, it made me feel "normal" for the first time in years. It was as if someone handed me my life back. I hope your bf feels the same.....maybe you should ask him that, too. -- How he feels on Sub, and if he thinks it will help him stay away from full opiates.

I wish you both the best of luck, and if you do not get married as planned, perhaps you will feel more comfortable when he has gotten somehwere in his recovery. I am going to pray for you and him tonight. I especially hope that he is ready to begin recovering from his drug abuse and is able to fight the good fight with this demon us addicts battle! It IS possible to get clean and stay that way. Make sure he knows that, and that you believe in him. I think it will help more than you know....

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PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2013 10:53 pm 
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New girl, Hi and welcome, I will warn you now I tend to ramble and I am sorry for that.lol Anyways, I hid a very agressive pill addiction, upwards of 400mg to 600mg a day when I could afford it and get ahold of them. I hid this from my husband, 2 sons and my mom and dad (whom we lived with for a few years during my addiction due to my mothers health). I had this addiction for about 10 years, not so much the first 5 to escalating the last 5. I have been free of anything but sub now since February 29, 2013. I actually started trying to get caught so that they would make me get help. That didn't work out to well, but my oldest son who was 19 at the time, called me out on it. I was in an inpatient rehab within 6 hours.

I did it for them, but I also did it for me. I was in for 8 days. When I got out I felt overwhelmed. My husband just wanted to hold and touch me, but being in a controlled environment for 8 days, everything was over stimulating. I explained to him, it wasn't him, that I just needed time to adjust to being in the "real world" and learn to cope. Within a few days it got easier and I was starting to get back to my normal self.

Maybe he did this as a cry for help. As silly as that sounds, it may be true. My best advice I can give is to take it one step at a time. People do things all the time they aren't proud of or wouldn't normally do, especially when drugs of any kind are involved. My advice is to work through things slowly. I told my husband when I got out of rehab, once I adjusted that we were going to sit down and have a truth conversation. Meaning that for 15 minutes we each asked each other questions, could not lie, but could not fight about the answer. And once the conversation was over, neither of us could ever use what was said against the other. I never cheated on my husband, but he thought that I was cheating on him, he even thought I was leaving him when I told him we needed to talk, and I told him I was going to rehab. He was almost relieved it was drugs and not an affair as crazy as that sounds. It took a few months of talking openly and honestly and rebuilding trust, but we have been married since 1996 and we are back to the same people we used to be, just a little more damaged. LOL.

Give it time, its not easy, and you may each learn things about the other, good or bad that can strengthen the bond that you have. However, do not let him walk on you or use that as an excuse. Be strong, listen to your heart AND your head. I think things will be fine.

I hope maybe I have given you a little perspective from the addict side, and I did not say that I never cheated on my husband to upset you, it just shocked me that he thought my problem was an affair with a man, and it was an affair with drugs. Good luck and things will get better. Once you get to the bottom, the best part is rebuilding to get back to the top again.

Also my little saying "Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future" was what my husband said to me while I was in rehab, and even had it tattooed on his chest. :twisted:

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PostPosted: Sat May 25, 2013 9:07 am 
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I'd definitely put the marriage on hold, but don't bail on him just yet. He can come back to earth and be the man you need in your life. But for now it sounds like he's afraid of the commitment, which might be why he ran to drugs before the big day.


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PostPosted: Sat May 25, 2013 10:02 am 
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Goodmorning all! I was just reading to catch up on this thread and I think Honeybun gave you some really good insight. :D

TJ, are you a guy? LOL :wink: .... I am just curious bc you said "he ran to drugs before the big day". I am pretty sure she said he has been into pills for a few years now, and although I am sure you meant nothing bad, it stung even me reading that. Maybe its just the girl in me. No one wants to think their man turned to drugs because he was afraid of committing to them in marriage. LOL. Maybe it is true, but I suspect he may have had this problem well before the impending marriage. I do agree with TJ that perhaps it may be a good idea to postpone things, if only so that you can gain some of the trust back that you lost when discovering your bf's addiction. Because- really- you wanna be 110% SURE about your partner when you say those vows!

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Believe in yourself. Have faith in your abilities. Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy =)
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PostPosted: Sat May 25, 2013 10:38 am 
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I have some vices with "doing it for me, or doing it for yourself"....it's hard to really explain...
But my wife gives me something to live for..as do my children. When IN active addiction...the way you see things is different than how you see them out of actively seeking opiates...
The way I viewed things in addiction: I need my wife now, more than ever...and to feel that security in knowing she has my back...Who am I doing it for? Well, that's a loaded question. I'm doing it for myself of course, but I'm doing it for her as well...so she doesn't have to deal with lies...a husband who steals from everyone, including family....look at me in disgust and feels second-rate to a pill...

I have a very long story that my pills put me through, which I won't delve into here...but a quick overview:
no pill problems early in life...married at 19, she was 17. We were each others 1st...at everything (yeah, that too). We really had something special..and we didn't get married because she was pregnant. 1st child didn't come along until 3 years into marriage.
Pills off and on after we were married about 2 years.
steady for a year solid, then she had enough...but she literally hadn't seen NOTHING...I didn't even know what I was capable of after a year, and I quit cold turkey.
Sick...yeah..but this wasn't the end of it all. Stayed clean about ...maybe 5 years. through a knee surgery with pills again...but I did ok with them. Fell back down 1 year after the knee surgery and started again with pills. This time....it was going to be bad. I spent around 5 years taking pills this time. Varying doses up to snorting Oxy..

It led me to my wife hating who I had become. She and I separated...during the separation (not legally with papers type), just living apart...I moved a girl in with me..so I basically cheated on her. This was during the highest time I had faced in all of my opiate addiction. I was so distraught that I wanted to just stay high so I didn't have to face what I had done to myself, or my wife and kids. I really wanted to be out of it...so I could not have to deal with it all. It literally ate me up inside to think of it. And knowing I slept with someone else made me sick to my stomach once I got on Suboxone and cleaned up.
I never thought me...as a guy...would feel that way...I mean, guys are mostly about getting a nut, and girls are the ones who are emotionally, physically, etc attached...but when I got clean and faced what I had done in the months prior to cleaning up...it literally made me feel sick that I had actually touched another woman. Just the thought, now, of being intimate with someone else is like...bleh. I mean, sure..I find other women attractive sometimes, but that's as far as it goes. The inner beauty that I feel towards my wife tops any outer beauty that I may see in a store, on a beach, or in pictures...basically, I don't really look at women the same way that I used to...I guess when I was in my "prime"...

Now that I'm in my mid-30s...unlike when I was in my 20s...sex isn't all that I think of...My wife and I obviously do it...and it's pretty damn great...but I remember going to bars while we were split and flirting with the prettiest girls there..even the bartender...and talking to every female who smiled at me...I was "that" guy who had no qualms about saying "hi", especially at the club. But now...in church mostly every Sunday...looking at my wife instead of other women..and she's my best friend..not everyone EXCEPT her. I talk to her all the time...and rarely talk to anyone outside of her family and mine. I don't have people over while she's working...because all it takes is one person who's jealous of what we have to ruin it. We trust each other beyond what we ever trusted each other before pills...and I've had to earn ALL of that just since Suboxone because of the things I did. And it took a LOT to get some of that back, because of who I took advantage of, and how I did it...monetarily and mentally. I was a smooth talker, and I could get inside peoples' heads...still could if I wanted to take advantage of someone...but now, I prefer living like a normal person should.

So..you know your guy better than anyone else should, and I would hope he feels the same way that I do about what I did with someone else...I want to bury it and forget it ever happened. I never loved the person, and to be quite honest, the opiates kept me so high that I could barely even get off when I did touch that girl...must less enjoy any part of a sexual encounter with her. I don't think about it anymore unless I'm telling my story, and I usually don't talk about this part of it..because I regret it the most out of all the things I did. She doesn't throw it in my face to hurt me..because she knows how devastated I was about doing it at all. The girl was actually an enabler, since her credit was A1 when I got with her...she was my way of staying high for a good 5-6 months until the CC bills came rolling in. Even had her buy me a damn 2007 Honda motorcycle with .4 miles on it. Which I never really drove, because it was mid-february, and I was usually in withdrawals and having chills, and it would freeze me to death to drive it. I took the kids out to the local lake and a few loops in and out of my drive...then..when I put the girl out, I gladly relinquished the motorcycle and everything else, because I wanted NOTHING of her left to remind me of the worst, lowest time in my life. Hate to feel that way...but I made sure she hated me too...I was an asshole, which I have a hard time being to someone who doesn't deserve it, and the girl really didn't deserve it...but I wanted to make sure she despised me forever when I put her out...no coming back, there's nothing to come back to...I had what I wanted and should've never did what I did with her. That's exactly what I told her, even though it was totally not the "CLEAN" person saying the words, I told her that I never loved her, she was a way to get what I wanted, and that I wanted her to hate me for everything I was worth just before she pulled out of the drive. Haven't seen or spoke to her since, and never plan to either. She lives about 30 minutes away, and through my church...I have a mutual friend that knows her...I only know that because of Facebook saying that I have 1 mutual friend with her. I check up on her mom from time to time because part of the "high me" gave up the deed to my house as collateral on a personal debt that I agreed I would pay while I was high...knowing i never intended to pay it...giving up my deed was a way to get more pills at the time. But her mom moved and still has my deed somewhere in the things she packed away before moving. I caused her mom and the girl to have a combined $65,000 bankruptcy filing shortly after the girl left here...so not only was there the hatred I instilled....I ruined her credit for a good 8-10 years during my "fake" life. Always promised things I never planned to deliver on during that little soap opera...
I'm SO glad that part of me is over 5 years away and getting further....I couldn't stand to know I was that kind of person ever again.

Right now, if my wife came home and said "I'm leaving you"...i'd just hang my head in shame and probably cry...where the past, I would scream and get angry....heartbreak would truly be the only thing I would know if those words were ever uttered by her again. I don't think I could handle it..but I would never consider going back to that old me...no matter what happened. I know she loves me though, and she knows that I love her. We have a GREAT relationship now, better than it ever was before pills were a factor.

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PostPosted: Sat May 25, 2013 11:27 am 
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Amy14921978 wrote:
TJ, are you a guy? LOL :wink: .... I am just curious bc you said "he ran to drugs before the big day". I am pretty sure she said he has been into pills for a few years now, and although I am sure you meant nothing bad, it stung even me reading that.


Yeah last time I checked! :D I just think it's normal for anyone to have nerves in the days / weeks before a they get married. And if he's already been using for years, I'm not surprised he'd taken it up a notch given the stress of the build up.

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Also my little saying "Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future" was what my husband said to me while I was in rehab, and even had it tattooed on his chest.


I like that one!


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PostPosted: Sat May 25, 2013 9:37 pm 
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Thank you for all the advice and everything.
At this point we have postponed the wedding and he is in an inpatient rehab... I hope it works and i hope he will get things under control for himself as well as for me.


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 Post subject: addiction is chronic
PostPosted: Sun Jun 16, 2013 6:14 am 
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Hi Amy,
I am in treatment w sub too. I went thru 3 months of op rehab, still slipped back into pain pills. The sub has really helped a lot. I got plenty of helpful tools at rehab tho. I just couldn't seem to stop w out the sub. I realllly wanted to. It's the WORLD'S HARDEST thing to overcome. I never understood how a person could allow themselves to get in the shape that I, myself, got into. Thank God for the love , the real unconditional love that my fiance and mom, and 18 & 19 yr old children gave me. I don't think I could've been clean these last 7 weeks without it. Love your man, give him support, encourage him to go to meetings. This is a hard road, and he is gonna need all the love and support he can get. I don't know if yall go to church, but a good church never hurt anybody...lol.
Sincerely,
X nurse grace


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 16, 2013 6:17 am 
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Oh yea, I am getting married next week:)


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