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PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2016 8:38 pm 
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Your pain doctor made you apologize to those people? Or you did of your own choosing? That is pretty big of you!
I am such a closet person (most people didn't know I smoked until I quit smoking). Only those closest to me know of my addiction issue. I couldn't imagine what would happen if others found out. I see the comments people put on Facebook and I know some people just really will not see me for me anymore if they even knew I had a pill addiction. Some people will never understand. My husband was even addicted to pain pills, and he doesn't understand me and why I needed suboxone or why I am still needing it. He doesn't give me a hard time about it at all, but I can't talk to him about it because whenever I do it is just awkward. I tried talking to him about this most recent stuff, even though I haven't talked to him about it throughout the entire pregnancy. He listened but said he didn't know what to say to me, because he didn't think it would help to say what he thought. I pushed at what he meant and he said our motivations are just different so he can't relate well to me. I asked what he meant by motivations and he said me, our son and unborn daughter are enough motivation for him, but I am just different, so he finds it hard to relate. He didn't sound mean or anything when he said this, but it sure makes me feel awful and like a monester. I am the mom, my kids should be all the motivation I need yet they aren't obviously. So I really can't talk to him about it. It is too awkward. This forum has been really nice..though very distracting from my work. But I think I need it. Next week when my boss is back and I have to cart my kid between preschool and daycare again, I won't get away with writing on here as much. Hopefully next week I will find a good counselor! The one I found that I think will be good must be on vacation cuz she hasn't called back yet.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 2:47 am 
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What happened is that I had run out the percocet early, as usual. So I was lying in bed feeling withdrawal symptoms and thinking about what a crappy mom I was being to my son. I grabbed my phone and reached out to a very good friend of mine. Then I called the pain doctor's office and told him I was a fraud and that he shouldn't give me anymore prescriptions. I was given a list of resources and he wrote me one last script to get me through until I could be seen by the addiction doctor.

Then I told EVERYONE else that I am an opiate addict; I did it because I wanted to be held accountable. So, at the same time I also apologized to the people I had stolen pills from. There wasn't one person who wasn't gracious enough to forgive me.

Amy

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 3:20 am 
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That was pretty awesome and brave of you. Things would probably be easier in one way if I let everyone know, but at the same time I feel like their are certain people who just wouldn't except it since I have a child and am pregnant. I don't have the guts even to let my mother in law know, and I see her daily. We work together in the same building even. I am dreading her being at the birth, because to make things worse she is a nurse and totally noses into everything the doctors and nurses are doing. Last time she ignored our request for everyone to leave the room after the birth of our boy and instead hovered over the nurse as she did the first tests that they do, as I was being stitched up down there. I already tried saying I only wanted a couple people there and she made it clear she would be devastated if she didn't get to be there because it will be her last grandchild.
I honestly don't know if I can deal with her though. After I took my son to the doctor today, she said I should have just let her take him, because the doctor had said his throat didn't look to bad, but later we could see that it is not ok and he woke up in pain because of it. So she was upset that I left work to come and get him from her instead of letting her, the nurse, take him (which she could of come with...she didn't even ask). It was like she blamed me for not questioning the doctor.
And last night my husband went to the ER for heart palpitations. She showed up too and just how she is with the staff and everything made me realize... if my girl has any withdraw she is going to make things much more stressful. I am definitely going to bring alot of info with me so I can speak for myself and my baby. It might break our relationship but I have to be ready to tell her to leave.
Sheesh guys.. I am just vomiting out every worry I have. Hopefully I cn find a counselor next week to talk to! I know this is much more then what this forun is meant for.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 1:07 pm 
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Amy- That's really an AMAZING story!! That's so very brave of you and proves how sincere you were about changing your life!

Pregnant & Lost- This forum is for addiction, recovery, and everything in between. We're more than happy to chat with you about anything you feel important to share. As you can see, there's TONS of support, advise, and links to solid facts.

Give yourself a break! Do NOT feel guilty for realizing & admitting what you need for your recovery.
4mg is a pretty low dose and now that your blood levels are elevated from pregnancy....it's not surprising at all that 3-4mg isn't working for you. Addictive behavior would be stopping your Sub for a week and then taking full agonist opioids after. I feel you're only communicating how you feel and trying
to protect your recovery.

We ALL did things in active addiction that we're ashamed of. The beauty of this medication is that we're allowed to grow healthier and repair things we destroyed.....relationships, trust, careers, finances, and self love/respect.

I actually just switched Sub docs because my doctor and I couldn't get on the same page. He was truly a fantastic doc (under his care for about 5yrs). I've never put a timeline on my maintenance. I thought my doc was respectful of this decision, but he ultimately began reducing me lower than I'm comfortable with and kept pushing to completely wean me off.

At every appt, he'd ask if I wanted to use and I'd say no (the occasional passing thought, but that I hurt myself too badly in active addiction and would reach out if I really felt like I was gonna use). In retrospect, maybe I should have told him I truly wanted to use and he would've listened more to my requests to not reduce further. I ultimately found another doctor because I've learned for me to be truly happy & healthy I must be completely honest about my feelings & needs and that my recovery is MINE.
Doctors, therapists, and counselors are there to help....but only you know how you truly feel....and only YOU can ensure you recover and have a happy & fulfilling life.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 4:41 pm 
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I've done a lot of research and learned a lot in my classes about what can lead to addiction and I want to make sure you all know why my story may be different from other addicts. The truth is, I'm not particularly brave or awesome or anything like that.

These are the reasons I think I got out relatively unscathed so far:

1) I don't have a history of abuse or trauma from my childhood. My childhood wasn't perfect, but my parents provided me with plenty of unconditional love and appropriate attention. They required good behavior from me and made sure that I lived up to my abilities in school. I was required to work every summer from the age of 13, plus I had plenty of chores.

2) I didn't become addicted to any substances when I was a teen, while my brain was still forming and growing. I didn't even drink until I was 17. But drinking was very easy for me to set aside for long periods of time. I drank more alcohol as a freshman in college than I did any time before or since.

3) I have a great support system. My friends, relatives, and my son provide me with love and emotional support. My relationships are stable and long term.

4) When I became addicted I knew exactly what was happening because I was educated about addiction. I knew what I was doing. I knew that I would have to stop one day. I still needed help to stop, but I knew a lot of what I needed to do.

Because of all of those things, I had an easier time getting in recovery before there were terrible consequences to face. That doesn't make me better than any other addict though, just more fortunate. I never ever look down on other addicts. Never. Because there but for the grace of God go I. I just wanted you all to know that.

Amy

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 5:25 pm 
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I think it's pretty safe to say that u wouldn't ever judge another addict Amy, ever! I don't think anybody else would ever think that either :) Definitely no worries there ♡

Ur story is pretty similar to me in a lot of ways Amy. I didn't become addicted til after 30 yrs old. I had a very supportive family. My parents have been married for over 50 yrs. I had a job for 10 yrs...but I wasn't educated on addiction at all! I thought I was but I absolutely wasn't. I'd always been able to casually drink and had many instances being prescribed hydrocodone and never abused it. But once I tried an oxycodone 30 (half of one lol) and a morphine 100 (a quarter of it lol), I spun out of control with my then husband. I lost everything. I wish I'd been more aware and wise like u amy. I honestly think that having a partner that used, kept me spiraling. The manipulation was unreal. I'm not shifting the responsibility from myself here, but he played a huge role in why I never tried to get help until he was out of my life.

It's really so awesome to be able to relate to all of u. Even though we had different journeys, here we all are. And Amy, I think it's awesome that u had enough strength and courage and support to catch urself like that. I admire that a lot. I think the lack of support and the using encouragement from my then husband is what took my turn even worse.

I'm sorry I wrote a book lol I just really related to not becoming addicted until later in life. I couldn't imagine these teenagers getting addicted so early in life....it's got to be so so tough!

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 5:46 pm 
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It is good to hear your stories.
I wish I could bring one of you here and disguise you as my doula. Lol. I am not very good at standing up for myself and I worry that whatever information I bring with me I will cower to the judgement of the staff. I really really hope my baby doesn't have NAS. I actually wish the staff didn't know because I am so worried they will say she does and take actions that will cause more stress in all our lives then if I just took her home. I would minitor her very closely, like I did for my son. I brought him to the emergency room several times as I was extra cautious with him. I figured if the diarrhea and other stuff he was having was out of the ordinary they would catch it and say something. But they were are normal things some newborns go through and he always ended up fine. I worry that if we are held at the hospital it will really stress me out, cause unwanted questions and distraction me from bonding with her. If she had true NAS I want to try to treat it through breast feeding. I am so not ok with morphine. Does anyone feel like morphine is actually necessary for a baby with NAS from suboxone exposure? Or are their better ways? Like breast feeding and comfort? I am about ready to switch hospitals, though my OB knows so that would be pointless. I am pretty sure he has to share that information.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 9:37 pm 
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Here is what I would say...you are dealing with increased feelings of anxiety and depression that an extra 1 to 2 mgs of suboxone cover. It is the easiest and safest way to treat it at this stage of your pregnancy rather than introduce a new medication at this time. Ask him to increase it until the baby is here so that you are as mentally healthy as possible bringing a child into the world. This will stop the cravings, drug seeking behaviors, but most importantly, the depression and anxiety that you are feeling. If his concern is the suboxone and the pregnancy, he can switch you to zubzolv or subutex, I think they are safer because there is no naloxone. This is how I would say it to him and also that after the baby is here, you can decrease it and add an anti depressant at that time if that is what he is more comfortable with. They are using suboxone to treat depression in other countries! Good luck!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 12:05 am 
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I like Michelle's suggestion on how to bring it up and explain it to your dr(AGAIN). Please don't give up trying. Hopefully your OB will help you out.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 12:33 am 
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I am hoping my OB will too because i dont think anything i say by myself to my doc will be heard right now. And i don't think i should start on something else right now! Everything out there has its risks and it doesnt seem like an appropriate time to start on something new.  I don't know if this would be a good idea...but i wonder if i should stop taking the zoloft right now since it has just been about 2 months that i have been taking it, and up the suboxone dose. I have actually had worse breakdowns since starting the zoloft...though i was fine with zoloft my last pregnancy. But the increase in anxiety/depression could be from the zoloft, or added hormones/pregnancy discomfort, or maybe related to the suboxone dose, or a combo of those things. But i think i should raise the dose again and hold it there until a month or so after baby. Then i think for me i should really get one of those buprenorphine implants that they have now. I think part of my recovery is getting used to not taking something everyday. So one of those implants would take that factor away...though i don't know how people ween down from those. So do that..then evaluate my mental condition and decide if an antidepressant is also needed. I was actually the happiest i had been in my entire life before i quit smoking (which threw me off balance) and then got pregnant a month later  (found out i was pregnant right after saying i wanted to wait until i felt more stable from the quitting smoking). And right at the time i got pregnant i had a falling out of sorts with 3 different people i am close too. And i had to decrease my dose.  It was a stressful start to the pregnancy. And i ask myself all the time why i have such issues with anxiety and depression... i was raised with so much love, never abused, i was popular, good grades, etc. It doesn't make since!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 3:25 am 
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Pregnant&Lost wrote:
It is good to hear your stories.
I wish I could bring one of you here and disguise you as my doula. Lol. I am not very good at standing up for myself and I worry that whatever information I bring with me I will cower to the judgement of the staff. I really really hope my baby doesn't have NAS. I actually wish the staff didn't know because I am so worried they will say she does and take actions that will cause more stress in all our lives then if I just took her home. I would minitor her very closely, like I did for my son. I brought him to the emergency room several times as I was extra cautious with him. I figured if the diarrhea and other stuff he was having was out of the ordinary they would catch it and say something. But they were are normal things some newborns go through and he always ended up fine. I worry that if we are held at the hospital it will really stress me out, cause unwanted questions and distraction me from bonding with her. If she had true NAS I want to try to treat it through breast feeding. I am so not ok with morphine. Does anyone feel like morphine is actually necessary for a baby with NAS from suboxone exposure? Or are their better ways? Like breast feeding and comfort? I am about ready to switch hospitals, though my OB knows so that would be pointless. I am pretty sure he has to share that information.


Funny you should say that! I actually went through Doula training several years back because Jacob's 1st grade teacher asked me if I would be her doula! I never got officially certified, but I did attend 3 births. One of the births I was there for was my granddaughter's birth! It was amazing.

Dr. Junig does think that breastfeeding helps babies of buprenorphine moms! Several women have mentioned that they think that hospital staff treated them and their babies differently. We have also gotten feedback from mothers who say that the nurses and other staff were just wonderful! One thing you can do is keep your baby in your room and request/insist that you are present any time they might score your baby for NAS. One of my friends mentioned the lawyer she retained when she thought one of the nurses was going to give her crap about leaving the hospital. It's not the worst idea to have a lawyer if you can. Remember that they cannot control you leaving the hospital. If they say, we're going to keep your baby here and you see no evidence of NAS, you can leave with your baby. The only thing they can do/threaten is to call CPS. Then CPS would do a home visit and if they see that your child is being properly taken care of then they report their findings and it's over.

If your baby is in withdrawal, you will know it. If your baby is inconsolable, unable to sleep, shaking, etc, you will want your baby treated. If it's a borderline case, however, you might just keep her with you and nurse the heck out of her, giving her comfort every time she so much as fusses. I trust that you will make a good judgement for your baby.

I wouldn't go off the Zoloft right now! It's better to maintain the status quo unless a physician/psychiatrist is agreeing with you. Please try to print out the article I included for you. I'm in graduate school, so I have access to scholarly articles in our online library. Show it to your OB for sure.

Amy

I don't know if you're in Colorado, but if you are feel free to PM me. I live in the Denver area.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 4:40 am 
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Pregnant&Lost wrote:
I am hoping my OB will too because i dont think anything i say by myself to my doc will be heard right now. And i don't think i should start on something else right now! Everything out there has its risks and it doesnt seem like an appropriate time to start on something new.  I don't know if this would be a good idea...but i wonder if i should stop taking the zoloft right now since it has just been about 2 months that i have been taking it, and up the suboxone dose. I have actually had worse breakdowns since starting the zoloft...though i was fine with zoloft my last pregnancy. But the increase in anxiety/depression could be from the zoloft, or added hormones/pregnancy discomfort, or maybe related to the suboxone dose, or a combo of those things. But i think i should raise the dose again and hold it there until a month or so after baby. Then i think for me i should really get one of those buprenorphine implants that they have now. I think part of my recovery is getting used to not taking something everyday. So one of those implants would take that factor away...though i don't know how people ween down from those. So do that..then evaluate my mental condition and decide if an antidepressant is also needed. I was actually the happiest i had been in my entire life before i quit smoking (which threw me off balance) and then got pregnant a month later  (found out i was pregnant right after saying i wanted to wait until i felt more stable from the quitting smoking). And right at the time i got pregnant i had a falling out of sorts with 3 different people i am close too. And i had to decrease my dose.  It was a stressful start to the pregnancy. And i ask myself all the time why i have such issues with anxiety and depression... i was raised with so much love, never abused, i was popular, good grades, etc. It doesn't make since!


I'm so sorry, but it doesn't have to make sense. In my case, my mother died suddenly when I was 31. My father had always berated and criticized my mom because she was overweight. I found out when I was 15 that my father always threatened to divorce her for it. A couple years before she died I had spent 6 weeks staying with them around Christmas. My Dad was being meaner to her than I had ever seen him, telling her that his next wife was going to be a skinny Asian woman. I was so angry at him! And that was the last time I spent with them or saw them together before she died of a pulmonary embolism in 2002. My dad also and perversely loved my mom very, very much. So he missed her and grieved her loss. But he also was on match.com within a month of her dying. By the next summer he was engaged for the first time. When he told his first fiance that she would not be allowed to gain weight after marriage, however, she broke up with him (and good for her!!!)

Then he found a woman on a "Find a Russian Bride" type website from the Ukraine. He got engaged to her after one visit and then worked on getting her a fiance visa. But she got sick and eventually had to tell him that she had lung cancer. To his credit he went back to the Ukraine and took care of her until she died. They don't have anything like hospice, so she was in pain the whole time. I think he really did love her.

The third fiance he married in 2006. An American this time, a retired teacher. She's a very opinionated woman. She criticized my mom for the way she raised us, letting us drink soda and eat baked goods. She hated the way we traditionally do Christmas and loudly complained about many things.

The combination of my mom's death and the emotional roller coaster my dad took me on, not caring how me and my sister felt about any of the women and all the dating, left me reeling. Then, when Jacob was 8, he became clinically depressed. He went from a friendly, silly, logical, loving kid into a kid who cried and screamed all the time. I was his safe person, so all of his angst, doubt, anger, sadness, he took out on me. He blamed me for just about everything possible and told me that he hated me many times. Now, at the time I was focused on getting him help, following the advice of the child psychologist, doing whatever I could to be there for him. But I would also feel so terrible when he would yell at me that I would cry later when he couldn't see or hear. I also have to mention that I was on my own. My husband did not have patience if I needed support. He just wanted me to get over things that upset me.

I was on an anti-anxiety med, but I started to think, "I deserve to feel good. I deserve to take a pill that makes me feel good. And guess what was available every time I went back to Pennsylvania to visit my dad. A whole bunch of percocet. I remembered from a surgery I had when I was 30 that the very last day of taking my percocet as prescribed, I would take a pill and then feel very nice. Kind of chill. Kind of loving and good feeling. My dad made me feel bad, I deserved the percocet to make me feel good. That's how it started. I stole meds out of people's medicine cabinets whenever I could. And no one expected me! No, I was so good and didn't party and was a good mom. I only took the medication when I knew it wasn't being actively used. That way no one ever connected the theft to me, even if they figured out that it was missing. In time I was using medical issues and dentistry to get my meds. I have frequent migraines and neck pain so I started going to a spine doctor and exaggerating my pain. I was a very good actor. I tried everything asked of me to the point of having procedures that didn't help anything. At first I was getting 120 5mg percocet every month, but that wasn't enough. I ended up switching to the pain doctor at the clinic and he just kept prescribing more and more. By the time I confessed I was up to oxycontin 3 80mg per day and 6 10mg oxycodone a day. 180 10mg oxys a month. But it was never enough.

All it took for me was a genetic predisposition that made me feel good on opioids, a distant husband, grief over my mom and dad, and the pain that was being reflected by my son onto me. That was the combination that made me an addict. I grew up a stoic Vermonter, barely taking aspirin for major pain. I measured my worth by how much pain I could take and still be functional. I surprised EVERYONE!

For you, (I wish I knew your name or a nickname), all it might have taken was that genetic predisposition to opioids making you feel good! It can be that simple! Everyone has pain, both physical and especially emotional. You could also have the genetics that make you prone to depression and anxiety. Why did my son become clinically depressed at 8 years old? Aside from losing his best friend who moved across the country and being bullied by the coach's son on his soccer team, there wasn't any kind of major trauma. But both of his grandmothers and his half-sister suffer from depression. My husband has never been diagnosed, but he has shown signs of it for sure. So please don't think that you aren't somehow "entitled" to have depression and anxiety. And 65% of addicts have a co-occurring disorder like anxiety or depression, or PTSD, or a personality disorder... the list goes on. Being predisposed toward opiate addiction is not your fault. Being prescribed pain medication can be perfectly innocent, but your body and mind might respond by feeling very, very good. The brain doesn't forget how to make your body and mind feel good. It will seek out the repetition of those feelings against its own best interest. Taking buprenorphine while you're pregnant is no sin! It's the best thing an opiate addict can do for her baby. It is keeping you from much more destructive behavior.

For your OB's sake I hope that he or she is smarter than your sub doctor, because I have half a mind to punch the next person who tells you that you can't up your dose in the nose!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 4:47 am 
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What are you in graduate school for Amy?
 And Unfortunately, I am in Washington. I am getting so scared of my baby having NAS, mostly because i dont want her put on morphine. If she needs that then doesn't that mean i can't hold her most of the time... i hate thinking of her getting a drug directly like that and what i might do to myself if she does have to have morphine. I am thinking of telling the 4 people who we plan to be there that they can't, because my mother in law is one of them and i don't want her there. She doesn't know i am on subs and i am so worried of her just finding out if my baby does have NAS and having to deal with her reaction right at the time and then she would lord over everything, cuz that is what she does at just normal appointments (she is a nurse herself and noses into everything). So basically... it will be a stressful situation if she does have NAS no matter what, whether or not others are there or if it is just my husband and I. but if my mother in law is there i just really see it being that much more stressful.she will find out if there is something up with the baby either way, but i just don't want to have to see her reaction and deal with it right then. I want to be able to just focus on my baby. Does NAS ever appear right away or doesn't it normally take a little while?  I am hoping i can let people be there for the birth and a bit after, then they will leave and if they don't i can say i need everyone to leave because it is making me anxious and i want to bond with my baby and they can see her when we get home.
If i had money i really think i would try to fly you up here, amy, and pay you whatever you would need to come. But i dont have money. The lady i have tried to contact is a counselor and a Doula. I am hoping she gets back to me and that she is really knowledgeable on buprenorphine. If she is i might just find a way to pay for her services. Based off the website she seems like just what i need...what do you guys think? Here is the link:
 http://www.carealliancenw.com/AboutMe.en.html


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 7:06 am 
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jennjenn wrote:
I think it's pretty safe to say that u wouldn't ever judge another addict Amy, ever! I don't think anybody else would ever think that either :) Definitely no worries there ♡

Ur story is pretty similar to me in a lot of ways Amy. I didn't become addicted til after 30 yrs old. I had a very supportive family. My parents have been married for over 50 yrs. I had a job for 10 yrs...but I wasn't educated on addiction at all! I thought I was but I absolutely wasn't. I'd always been able to casually drink and had many instances being prescribed hydrocodone and never abused it. But once I tried an oxycodone 30 (half of one lol) and a morphine 100 (a quarter of it lol), I spun out of control with my then husband. I lost everything. I wish I'd been more aware and wise like u amy. I honestly think that having a partner that used, kept me spiraling. The manipulation was unreal. I'm not shifting the responsibility from myself here, but he played a huge role in why I never tried to get help until he was out of my life.

It's really so awesome to be able to relate to all of u. Even though we had different journeys, here we all are. And Amy, I think it's awesome that u had enough strength and courage and support to catch urself like that. I admire that a lot. I think the lack of support and the using encouragement from my then husband is what took my turn even worse.

I'm sorry I wrote a book lol I just really related to not becoming addicted until later in life. I couldn't imagine these teenagers getting addicted so early in life....it's got to be so so tough!


I wasn't wise, I was fortunate. And you're totally right, Jen, that having an addict husband made a huge difference. If you had a partner that wasn't using you would have been much less likely to spiral as far. For sure!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 10:18 am 
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I went to the link you left, she does sound like she would be worth paying a visit to in my opinion. Maybe she is on vacation for the holiday??? I'd try to contact her office again on Tuesday-and then every other day after that!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 5:04 pm 
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Nikki Easterling seems like an awesome doula and she is the exact person I would want for you. If you ever want me to exchange emails with her, I would be happy to.

I believe that she is going to go a long way toward making you feel better about how things will unfold. She will be your advocate, and if she is worth her salt, your mother-in-law won't make it anywhere near your hospital room without your express permission. Your doula should know about 42 CFR part 2, which are confidentiality laws regarding people in treatment for addiction. If the hospital or its staff break these laws you can sue the hospital. Check this link out:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64738/

It may not surprise you to learn that I am earning a Masters in Addiction Studies. It's an online program through the University of South Dakota. I am passionate about advocating for addicts.

Ms. Easterling should be also. That means that she should help you navigate the NAS issue. I agree with HTOWN that she is probably taking a holiday break. Definitely try again to contact her tomorrow. It will be totally worth your money to hire her. I can help vet her if you want. I would just ask her questions to make sure that she would be your advocate in the way I think she should be.

I want you to be under less stress because when stress hormones flood your system they flood the baby's system too. On the other hand, just do the best you can. The suboxone and your stress hormones are definitely not going to ruin your baby. Your baby is going to be sweet and healthy and seeing your children grow to love each other is going to warm your heart over the years.

Amy

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2017 4:41 pm 
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Thank you for your replies! I was getting emailed when someone wrote on here, but the emails stopped,so i didn't know anymore had been left! I just wrote to get again today, expressing a little more urgency. Amy, I dont want to leave my name on here, but i will pm you.
And i am sorry if i don't thank/address what everyone is saying. Please know i am reading your comments and i am very grateful for them! And i do consider all the suggestions.
As far as i can see right now my dose has to change or i will keep running out early. I do have a more forward/future thinking plan of attack that i hope i wok gain support from my OB for, so he will help convince my sub doc. I don't want to change sub docs. I am an hour away from any others and when i looked the first time most of them were grossly expensive and only treated for short periods.
So, i am going to say that starting a new med is not the right move at this point. I have been feeling minor sympotoms of withdraw pretty much the entire pregnancy on a daily basis,except when i take the higher doses. I would fight through these before, believing that i just needed to be strong and they weren't real. I now think my body wasnt adjusting to the lower dose. I am now too weak in body and spirit to function with even the minor withdraws, and fight back cravings (which i get when i feel like i am getting withdraw symptoms).when i take a higher dose i don't feel that discomfort. I feel normal must the time, except for pregnancy pains and discomforts in my body. The anxiety i get is due to many things, as i do have prenatal depression, but thinking if how i am taking more of the med then what i am prescribed really stresses me out and causes anxiety, yet i feel too sick, unfocused, agitated to not take more then prescribed. Add those things on top of the depression and anxiety i get from that and it is too much. I need to be at a higher dose right now, not start a new med, and after the baby comes i need to see how my symptoms of depression change, if at all. Maybe i will balance out. If not, then i will look into a new med for depression. Either way, i think i should really consider doing the buprenorphine implant, as i think not taking a pill daily will help significantly in my recovery, as i can see that action in and if itself (taking a pill),being part of the addiction. If i don't need to take a pill for an extended period of time, i think that will contribute toward my recovery.
So that is what i am going to say. I hope they listen!


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2017 4:59 pm 
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Oh.. and as far as my mother in law goes, I know we could keep her out. But that would really put a big negative impact on our relationship. I work with her for the same health organization, in the same building. She works 4 10's so she can watch my son one day out of the week. I want to just say only my mom and hubby can be there, but it would cause huge issues.i actually don't know what would be worse...her finding out i took a medication while pregnant (she gave me a hard time for taking tylenol when i was getting migraines in my first trimester) or me not allowing her at the birth. And really...any NAS probably won't show for at least a few hours after right? Is there a time frame on that? After she is born i think at that point i can now safely say, "ok... i want everyone to leave for now.i want this time to just be huuby and I and the baby."


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2017 5:25 pm 
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Honey....this is the best advice I can share....I was on subutex for one year prior to getting pregnant.....avoid the horror stories.....I had to go up to 24 mg due to increase in fluid volume. I had a perfectly healthy baby without any signs of withdrawal! Focus on this beautiful time in your life. Stick to this group for support. Everything will be fine. You already are a good mother....I can tell;) best of luck


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2017 5:34 pm 
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Sweetie15 wrote:
Honey....this is the best advice I can share....I was on subutex for one year prior to getting pregnant.....avoid the horror stories.....I had to go up to 24 mg due to increase in fluid volume. I had a perfectly healthy baby without any signs of withdrawal! Focus on this beautiful time in your life. Stick to this group for support. Everything will be fine. You already are a good mother....I can tell;) best of luck


I think the combo of never actually stabilzing at 2/3mg and increased fluid really is causing me to need a bigger dose. In this past week i have really started to loose faith in my doctor. I appreciate him motivating me to be off all meds but he is highly focused on the effect to the baby, and i think he is causing potentially note harm then good. Can't wait to see my OB. Hoping he will validate my thoughts. If he doesn't, then at least i have you guys!


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