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PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 10:28 am 
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Hello, I'm not normally the type to post to forums about my personal problems and whatnot, but I figured it would be nice to vent some of my experiences as one of the final steps to being completely honest with myself and others. I've always been somewhat embarrassed of my opiate addiction. I (like many others) used to think I was invincible as a youth, but sometimes one must be taken by the balls by life and shown how vulnerable a human being truly is.

Long story short, I was raised in a VERY liberal atmosphere, with drug experimentation accepted and even encouraged. As a young one I always knew in the back of my head I'd be into drugs in a big way. I was around them every day, they were nothing new, so I held off until I was about 14 before I knowingly and deliberately smoked pot with my buddies for the first time. As I had been in many smoke filled rooms growing up and certainly got a contact buzz multiple times, I got high as a kite the first time I smoked and had the time of my life.

Literally 7 days later, I ate an 1/8 of mushrooms. Whee! A couple weeks after that, LSD. By the time I was 15-16 I was a full blown burnout, getting half pounds of weed fronted to me to sell to my buddies. I had way too much time and money to spend for such a young buck. As you can imagine, I dropped out of high school to pursue a full time career of hustling, and in the process experimented with anything and everything I could get my hands on. Psychedelics were always my favorite, since my "crowd" wasn't really into any of the "unnatural" stuff I didn't have much access to pills and powders. I still trip quite frequently, I use mushrooms/LSD as a kind of brain cleaner for myself when I feel it's time. I'm a bit permafried since I was about 18 and abused DXM powder and homegrown shrooms for literally 2 weeks straight with no breaks. By the end of it I was a different person, for better or worse (debatable,) and never quite completely snapped "back to normal." Anyways, that's a different story.

Inevitably, my dealings eventually led me to the wrong crowds. All of a sudden I had access to coke, heroin, and pretty much any opiate pill I could ever want. The one rule my "family" always had was "no powders!" So, of course, I had to disobey. Funny how even in situations where you have more freedom as a kid than 90% of the population, you still find ways to be a rebel.

I dabbled with the standard percs, oxies, and such here and there until I was 19 or so. I knew it was fire I was playing with, so I made it a point not to touch needles or anything stronger than an oxy 20. By this time I had my own apartment in town, and it was a basically a flop house. There was a little bit of everything coming in and out. I held out until I had a nasty breakup with my then girlfriend... Somehow this led to finally trying out a bit of that there heroin. Wow! Lets see what happens when I get a needle involved... holy crap, I don't even THINK about my ex now!

That was the end of my freedom, and I didn't even know I had essentially put my body and mind behind bars until it was too late. It was great fun for the first year, then I started running out of money, my friends started getting tired of the emotionless zombie I was becoming, and the worst part is I realized what was happening, but I was doing way too much H every day and always told myself "whatever I can quit when I really want to, it's just not a good time right now"
The sickness was unbelievable for me the first few times, it was so bad I believe it had a big part in how long it took me to finally quit. Pavlov's Dog kind of thing, even years later when I was down to 1mg of bupe a day I'd get a feeling like "oh no I'm going to be purging ALL of my fluids and unable to move, sleep, or think any time now!" even though I knew it wouldnt be as bad.

Sadly, the last 10 years I've been physically addicted (I'm 29 now), not much of note has happened. By the time I was 22-23 I found bupe, and of course used it as a bridge between times using "real drugs". It wasn't until I was 26 that I finally realized I wasn't getting any younger, and my 20s were vanishing before my eyes. So I began taking only bupe, and by the time I was 27 I had actually completely stopped doing "real" opiates and had no desire for them. Unfortunately, the bupe made me even MORE of an emotionless unmotivated zombie than straight opiates after a couple years. I had no drive to get a girlfriend or to do anything, period. I was satisfied just barely getting by and wasting my time doing nothing.
I attempted to quit numerous times for the last few years, but it never lasted more than 4 or 5 days. Finally, about 29 or 30 days ago, I had a fateful night where it had been about 24 hours since my last dose, and I ate about 5 grams of mushrooms. It was incredible, and I explored parts of my mind that had been collecting dust for half a decade. Near the peak, I felt a strange "zap" starting at the right side of my head and arcing to the middle, and all of a sudden I had a moment of clarity. I *DO* want to quit, I'm fucking tired of this garbage. I miss who I used to be, with lots of motivation, friends, girls, things to say, etc. I had many other revelations that night that seem to obvious in hindsight, it truly is incredible what long term opiate abuse can do to your very being.

I went through about 2 weeks of hell, I had just started a new job (labor intensive), and had to show up every day AND try to impress while being dopesick and completely miserable. But I knew this was it, this was the time I was going to man up and do something about the elephant in the room. Somehow, I made it, and here I am today, A new man. The intense WDs lasted about 8 days, with annoying symptoms lasting another couple weeks, mostly in the morning and while trying to sleep. I think working 8 hours a day probably helped a lot, even though it truly sucked at the time. The only substance I used (other than herb) to aid me was about 10mg of Loperamide (Immodium) a day for the first 11 or 12 days, it's very possible I wouldn't have made it through work every day without them. 4 weeks later I still think about the situation a lot, but there's no cravings or desire. The WDs are 99% gone, except for occasional runs in the morning and a tiny bit of insomnia here and there.

That's the gist of my story, I feel like an actual human being with a soul now, and it's like an all new "high" after 10 years of being altered 1 way or another 24/7. I've been reconnecting with friends, who are overjoyed to see me with pupils larger than a pinpoint. I've been working my ass off and getting in better shape, basically I feel like I just came out of a VERY long and dark tunnel and into the sun. If I can do it, I believe anybody can. But what really did it for me, moreso than taking mushrooms, was that moment that I truly 100% WANTED to quit. I wasted 10 of the best years of my life to finally come to that point, which is unfortunate, but I suppose you could say it's quite the learning and growing experience.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far, if it helps anyone at all then that's awesome. I know it helped me just a little bit more :)


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 4:58 pm 
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Wow, that was an interesting read, FinallyCleanInNE. The only concern I have is your ability to stay clean in the future. Are you planning on using some herb and shrooms? Drugs other than opiates, I mean? If you can do it and still enjoy some of the lesser evil drugs then my hat is off to you and I wish you well. There is no way I could do it, but that is me, not you.

What mg of Bupe did you jump from? The way it sounded was that it wasn't that bad. That's great, we love hearing stories like yours.

Welcome to our forum and enjoy some good reading here.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 6:11 am 
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Yes, what mg. did you jump from? Did you taper?

I'm at 1mg./day & also have that "labor intensive" job.
Please advise?


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 3:35 pm 
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Actually, I jumped from 3-4mg a day (last dose was exactly half of an 8mg.) I've had periods where I'd be down to 2mg or even 1mg, but it always crept back up. When I was first introduced to buprenorphine everyone was pretty ignorant about it, and we snorted them like they were freakin percs :P We all had massive habits so snorting 2 8mg at a time certainly got us wacked, but generally not in a bad way. It didn't take me/us too long to figure out you really only need 4mg to "feel normal" even with a heavy habit.

It was definitely rough, like I said I just forced myself to deal with it. Personally, the #1 worst part (besides lack of sleep) of physical WDs for me is stomach problems, especially when you have to run to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I discovered Loperamide helps me a LOT when it comes to this, it doesn't take very much. Your intestines not twisting around themselves nonstop leads to feeling better in general. This is just my experience, of course. Do your research before overdosing OTCs. A note on dosage is that I see people talking about taking 100mg (50 pills) or more, I found that completely unnecessary. Coming off 3-4mg daily, 5 the night before you know WDs will hit will tide you until the next night. YMMV.

I won't lie, doing carpentry/painting/concrete/whatever is not fun at all while you're going through WDs. But it does force you to think about something else even just for a while, it helps that first week pass by that much faster. If you have problems with insomnia like I did, I should warn you sleep deprivation will take it's toll by day 4 or 5. Take care around heavy machinery/ladders :D

I also listened to as much music as I could, and tried (it's surprisingly hard) to eat well. Keep hydrated and such.

To answer the other question, I do believe I will stay off the opiates (my problem drug) pretty much indefinitely. You never know what the future brings, but as of right now I have no desire for it. I'll do "soft" drugs pretty much until the day I die if I have any say about it. For me, myself, and I but nobody else, they help me massively with the way I deal with life, people, and my general well being/contentment. Just in my blood, I suppose :)


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 3:58 pm 
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FinallyCleanInNE wrote:

I won't lie, doing carpentry/painting/concrete/whatever is not fun at all while you're going through WDs. But it does force you to think about something else even just for a while, it helps that first week pass by that much faster.


That's where I'm at as far as work (same job description). I'm now at 1mg/day & in the morning I am anxious as hell and worried about how i'm gonna get through the day...side by side w/my boss?
But I get so busy, I forget all about it and function as usual...at 110%.
I'm just worried when I JUMP...and the w/d's come into play at work, can I handle it then? Or will I have to go into my wallet & slip a .5 or 1mg under my tongue to get through the day?

I don't wanna have to wait until next February when I go on vaca., as that is the ONLY time I have time away from my boss/work?

God, how did WE get into this Suboxone so blindly in the first place? I sure wish I had researched it thoroughly before I started 8-9 months ago!!

Keep up the good work, you are helping me more than you will ever know.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2013 6:34 am 
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Awesome story. I find it interesting that your "a-ha" moment came under the influence of mushrooms. It makes me wonder about that Ibogaine stuff, whether there's substance behind some of these trips bringing about real change in a person. Personally if I'd been given a gift like that during a trip, I wouldn't wanna take any drugs at all or anything that could shake my new-found resolve to stay clean.

Congrats on the clean time.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2013 7:41 am 
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TeeJay wrote:
Awesome story. I find it interesting that your "a-ha" moment came under the influence of mushrooms. It makes me wonder about that Ibogaine stuff, whether there's substance behind some of these trips bringing about real change in a person. Personally if I'd been given a gift like that during a trip, I wouldn't wanna take any drugs at all or anything that could shake my new-found resolve to stay clean.

Congrats on the clean time.


Thanks, actually I know 2 people who have made the trip to do ibogaine. One wasn't an addict, just a curious psychonaut and in a bad state of mind (messy divorce mostly.) The other was a junkie, who absolutely needed to quit due to health reasons (I'm extremely fortunate in that regard, I'm pretty healthy overall.) Both of them say it was incredibly amazing and changed their life for the better. As it is with more powerful psychedelics, neither could put their experiences into words very well, but apparently it has a way of grabbing your very essence and forcing you to analyze and reflect on your past and all those important moments that lead to where you're at today. Long forgotten memories, feelings, and thoughts are brought to the surface, and shown to you from every angle and perspective you could imagine, and then some. For these 2, there were no deities (except a subtle feeling of some kind of "force" always surging in the background, directing the flow) and while there was certainly fractals, the fun effects were background noise compared to the intense spiritual and mental cleansing.

Yes, the guy who was dependent did in fact kick his habit... as far as I know. He went in 2008, was clean until late 2011 when he moved out West. Haven't heard from him in about a year, but he's doing pretty good last I knew.

I always wanted to attempt ibogaine, but unfortunately there's no way I could afford the treatment and time away from home. Money really isn't that important to me (as long as I can afford the bills/basics) which is a mixed blessing... less stress overall, but then again... no extra cash for fun stuff like ibogaine or ayahuasca journeys :D Or more practical vacations. I imagine those special 20-30 mins (no idea how long it really was) on mushrooms while the opiates were just beginning to leave my system were somewhat similar to how ibogaine does it's thing, just on a lesser scale.

I would like to say I'm not advocating or suggesting that people take high doses of psychedelics to get off opiates. I imagine that many would not get the same benefit, or even have an awful time. I can honestly say I've never had a full blown "bad trip" in my life. I was raised with the idea that as long as you're wise and dont abuse them, psychedelics can be a beautiful thing. I suppose the best way I can put it, for me personally, is that LSD and Psilocybin in particular have a hugely positive impact on my perspective. Opiates constricted my perspective to the point that I became a loner in a shell that didn't care about what was going on. Psychedelics through my 20s (rarely more often than once every few months) would allow me to see past that shell and remind me there is a whole world out there. I believe if it wasn't for these moments of clarity separating the long dark tunnels (opiates), I would have actually officially gotten on the bupe program and possibly go my whole life being dependant.

OK I'm getting long and rambly again, it's great to express my thoughts on stuff like this again. As for the fellow who has to go through work while sick, I'd suggest taking your last 1mg on a Thursday morning. Friday wont be too bad, Saturday will suck. The first 3 days were certainly the worst for me. I don't know how resistant to pain (or how well you can fake being "well", at least) you are, but you'll probably want to mention to your boss that you're not feeling too good but you doubt it's contagious and you'll do your best. I was actually still recovering from a legit bout of bronchitis, which added to the WDs a bit, but gave me at least somewhat of an excuse for being slower/weaker/etc than usual.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2013 8:03 am 
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TeeJay wrote:
Awesome story. I find it interesting that your "a-ha" moment came under the influence of mushrooms. .


I had an "a-ha" moment way back when i was 16 y/o and experimenting with LSD.
The "a-ha" moment wasn't about not taking opiates (hadn't touched 'em then)

As I recall it was about.." allowing me to see past that shell and remind me there is a whole world out there."

Quote:
"a hugely positive impact on my perspective."
That is the best way to describe it.

And I am not advocating the use of Psychedelics either. It is just that you hit on a point (a-ha moment) that I too experienced and changed my outlook in a more positive way for years to come. And that "a-ha moment" took place 34 years ago!


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 10:01 am 
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I certainly had an "a-ha" moment back when I was doing acid, too. The "a-ha", for me, was realizing that reality as I had previously known it was very narrow. Once you drop a hit of acid, you're able to see things in a new way. It's almost like it opens your mind up?

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 2:23 pm 
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Well,
whatever that was that told you to get CLEAN whether it was your inner voice, God, or just the mushrooms talkin, I would always remember how it felt when you got that clarity. Keep that with you for future temptations to keep you on the sober path.

Good luck.


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