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PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 10:41 pm 
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So, I hit 11 whole months on the suboxone program, on the 14th.....

Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, sometimes it feels like it was a lifetime ago......

Today, it seemed closer than ever. Im sure it becuase over the last two weeks, Ive had THREE different friends relapse. Not just relapse one night, and back on track, I mean a full blown, "goin back" relapse.

The third one was today, that I actually saw/felt/heard the proof right there before my very eyes. And it was tough.

See, I changed everything when I went on sub, even my phone number. So that people who were still useing drugs, WOULDNT be able to have contact with me. becuase I know myself, all too well. I know that MOST days, are basically good, and I dont want to go back, but I still have hard days, and WHO knows what behavior I would show on one of 'those' days, if I were to hang out or talk to someone who is currently useing would be. (that was a run-on sentence for sure)

Anyways, about a week and half ago, one of my ol buddies, who was doing okay for a while, got busted with almost 7grams of H, and was in the paper......like page 2.....

its actually one of her best friends, that Ive been talking to lately, she had about 6 months of recovery under her belt, and was really doing well (or so I thought) I gave her my phone number, we took our kids to the park, etc. It was fun to be around someone who had/has the same stuggles as I do, and a son about the same age too........

Well, I hadnt heard from her in a few days, but I just figured she was too busy, or working or whatever.

She calls today, to see what Im doing, Im like I just was heading to the grocery store.
"I'll meet ya there" she replies, I thought, great, another kid to keep MINE busy, and we could both get our shopping done, etc and visit at the same time.

WELL, I was completely off.........
when she got there, she looked like shit for one thing, like hadnt seen a shower in at least a week. She had all this shit in torn up grocery sacks, and wanted me 'to go return it for her'
An old trick, ALL The dopefiends around here pull, to get giftcards to 'trade' Im sure you catch my drift. they have a rule where you can only do three of these every SIX months. Of course I hadnt done one of these 'no reciept' returns in umm 11 whole months, and she knew that.
I was still like, UM NO. sorry. So then she starts crying, and shows me her arms, all marked up, and her 'empties' her kid right in the back seat listening to it ALL. My kid was asleep, and in the car right next to hers'.

I knew I needed to leave the area immediately.....
But I started to feel that electric pull I think you ALL know what Im talking about. I just couldnt walk away, at least not yet.
So I tried to act 'cool' and brush it off, like 'youll be alright'

She just going on and on about everything thats gone on the last few days, you know how good all of us used to be at blaming someone else for EVERY single problem that comes up.

I kept telling myself, you gotta walk away dude. get the fuck outta here. for real.
but I just COULDNT
I think all of you know what Im talking about.

so she's going on and on and on about everything thats happened the last few days.

and she finally says she has somebody on the way with some 'black' and if I do the return, I will get 'hooked up'
I immediately felt the 'flutter' in my belly, I hadnt felt in 11 months, the one I used to get while waitin for drugs.
it was then, and only then I knew I was in very dangerous territory.
someplace I had always tried to aviod, all the time.

I kind of spaced off for a second, and imagined what my life would look like, if I made this decision today, and got fucked up. I soon saw that shit tornado that ripped thru my life, tearing down everything in its path, that Ive got so much HATRED for now.
I looked at my son sleeping in the backseat of the car, and told myself, HE deserves a sober mom.

Im not going to lie, it was definitely tempting. THATS why I had to write about it. I didnt want to, but I know I had to.

So I just told her I had to go to the bathroom REALLY bad, and I drove off.
Yep, sped away. She was reassuring me over and over while Im getting in the car, that I'll be 'just fine' to go to work tomorow, and she wouldnt tell anyone, and ON AND ON AND ON

WHEW...................
now Im feeling guilty that I WANTED it though. I even sort of 'romanticized' about it for awhile earlier. thats when I knew I had to put it into words on here.
She called about 15 times from the time I left the store, till I got home (25 min drive)
I got home, I didnt really give my husband the GORY details, I just told him I ran into someone at the store, and now, Im haveing a challenging day, and if he'd do the shopping, Id stay home with the kiddo.

So that worked out. that left me 12 miles from town with no car too, which is exactly what I needed at the time. I called my very best childhood friend, who does not have any kind of drug problem, but ALWAYS lends an 'ear' when I need one.
Of course she doesnt understand alot, but she is encouraging, and that helped too.

Its so lonely being sober. I used to sell pills and H, before starting on suboxone, I dont admit to it alot, cuz I feel so bad about it now, vut I was EVERYbody's FAVORITE person (most of the time) everybody thought I was super cool, and I guess I just liked feeling so 'important' all the time. you know, that many people sort of 'sucking up to me' and shit.
I dont know. It just, , , didnt suck. UNTIL I was out. then, well, then it REALLY SUCKED. but I still had alot of people around. my phone rang ALL the time.
sometimes, my phone doesnt ring ALL DAY.......it was so wierd at first, but now Im mostly used to it.

I know the ending, is always the same, jail, institution, or death. I know, I get it. :(
But some days, I do miss the other parts.

and I guess I just needed to share that story. :roll:

the point Im making is,
It really sucks, when your feeling all this 'companionship' from/with someone else in recovery, and they relapse. sucks more, when they want YOU to relapse WITH them.
And even when you get thru ALL That BS, its still lonely.

Thanks for listening :?

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anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 11:37 pm 
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I was so scared I was going to read you jumped in the car with her etc...Sorry I doubted you but I know exactly how that feels to be in that position and well I don't trust anyone when they are in that position anyone the strongest of strongs could take that one second to mess up.

I have not found this site to be very supportive with the methadone maintenance but I find myself drawn back to this site to check on you and Romeo and a few others but you two for sure. I need to get your email address PM it to me just in case I ever lose sight of this site anyways.....

WOW what a bad place for you to have been in. You did the right thing tho by telling us all about it. We must use the tools we find that work and well putting it out there does indeed help. Do you realize tho what all you avoided by not using? You, Your Job, Your child, your marriage, your trust, dignity etc....I could go on and on but you saved all the above and more by speeding off. Lonely??? Well Lonely is sad but not anywhere nears as sad as it would be if you would have used. No lecture here even if it sounds that way I am commending you on your best decision. This is so great. I am sorry tho you experienced one moment of lonliness but so happy you give me and yourself hope for the next time because there will be those times and me knowing you defeated it will help me defeat it when I need to etc... Thanks for sharing Amber.

Hey Romeo where for art thou Romeo?????

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 6:34 am 
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I've never done H..and didn't have a clean route to access it when I was doing pills, but I was doing oxycontin..which is -- from what I've been told, read, and seen on documentaries -- the legal form of H... And honestly here's the thing..the ONE thing I can remember about Oxycontin. This right here WAAAY outweighs any positive that I remember (and I do remember positives, like the "oh sonuva bitch" energy boost..),but this tops that even..

Wife and I split at this time, and had been for a few months. New "girlfriend" moved in already and I was deep into my addiction...my addiction led me all hours of the day and night to leave, score...and come back. It could be 11pm, could be 5am. There was no telling when I would come up with money to call the old man that always managed to have SOME kind of pill. He started leaning more towards getting those Oxycontins..this was BEFORE they changed them and made it harder to abuse. I got those kind that you just scratch off the coating and chop them up...and one time (thanks to a cop stopping me), i held one in my mouth under my tongue and the coating went away...but they were the first form of time-release...the easiest to abuse.

So I had scored enough OC for the weekend on Thursday...I had a PARTY!! I really scored too..I think if I remember details correctly I went and bought 8 OC's from the guy at one time. Boy I had enough to really keep me going..and I could relax and just be high for a bit. I wouldn't have to worry about pills until sometime following week (yeah, right).

So when I got home that Thursday..something happened..and my wife had to call me to watch the kids for the weekend. She was going out of town to stay at a female friend's house (we're mutual friends, because Roxanne and I are pretty good friends too..)..but my wife didn't want to take the kids to Roxanne's house with her..so I agreed (even though I was going to be high..I was a "better parent when I was high because I was...more...?attentive??WTF)
So by Friday, I'm steaming into my "high" party...been up all night snorting OC...napped a little..and boy was I wired. I remember that I kept going to the bathroom and chopping..and didn't pay much attention to how many I had left from the 8..but I had plenty, right?

Saturday..I was even more blistered. Again, up all night..chopping, snorting..blah. Sunday came. I finally dozed off about 4am Sunday morning..woke up at 9 -- and my body telling me "time to get RIGHT"..so I went to the bathroom...
My stash..dammit..I found that I had ONE pill left. Should be able to make it last, right? Nope. I snorted half...then 4 hours later, I had to snort the rest. I already had started making calls to the old man, but he didn't have anything. Nobody else had anything either...oh no! That means I didn't know when I was going to be able to score...and I had money! I remember by the time the race came on TV that evening, I was starting to go into withdrawals. I tried watching NASCAR, as I enjoyed that when I was spaced out...but it didn't do any good...I was going into a BAD withdrawal after a 4-day binge on Oxycontin..and I was going to feel it hard.

My wife pulls up around 5pm or so..and by that time, I'm awful. I'm laying on the couch..can't move..don't wanna move...wishing someone would just shoot me. I feel AWFUL. Cold..no, wait, I'm hot..no, I'm cold again...sweat...chills...omg, I gotta shit..but I don't wanna move..dammit. I felt that withdrawal until about 8pm that night..and the guy finally called me. SUCKED that he lived about 40 minutes away..but it was WORTH IT. I remember pulling up, when I got out of his truck, I felt that little "tingle" you feel knowing you got something coming..

I went in and bought 40 norco 10s..because that was all he could get...and when I left, I popped 3 in his driveway. On the way home I ate 2 more in the 40-minute ride. When I got home, I had to eat another 2...and the withdrawals FINALLY started to go away. I couldn't believe myself, and that was one of the turning points that led me to recovery and treatment. I knew that doing 8 pills in essentially 3 days (Thursday evening at 6pm until Sunday morning at 11am)..I should've been close to OD, but for some reason God kept me here to do something.

That was one of the worst withdrawals that I ever had, even the one I did when I started Suboxone wasn't that bad, because I was doing lortabs when I went into treatment..so nothing near as heavy as Oxy..but the Suboxone preparation just lasted longer - as it had to be more time without.

That's just one of the horror stories..but when I think about going down that old road..i purposely block out any good memories that I might have of things during high-times. I won't let myself remember any "fun" things (mainly because I was just too high to have any memories, no joke)...while I was using. About the only things I can remember are things like what I just told you..the times where I ran out and had to deal with hell..pure hell..
That helps me stay clean.
Far as temptation, I know it sounds mean, but you shouldn't even be associated with recovering addicts. You're not at any point in recovery where you can help them..they can't help you..you should only be with people that have a positive impact on you. Trust me, cause I have tried..it will never turn out well if you try to hang around people you know were addicts and that you did things with in the past...it always just leads to trouble. Eventually, one of you will bring the other down, and in your case, it sounds like the others will bring you down. You don't want that. If you know they are people who did dope, then I would just politely tell them that you're at a point in life where you're VERY weak and you don't need the memories flooding your thoughts..and that after you get your treatment done, you would like to be friends..but it's just too soon.
I'm only telling you what I would do..and I'm not suggesting you shun your friends..but you have to ask yourself if they were using drugs, what kind of friend were they to begin with? Were they friends you MET through using? friends BEFORE using? There's a difference..but you definitely need to just keep to yourself or find friends that you KNOW don't have any negative impact on your life. It sounds like a mean thing to say and do....but it's for you, and in your best interest. You're easily swayed into remembering the "good times"...but you have to also put those bad times in with that and remember those..We all know that getting high isn't just all roses..otherwise none of us would be here and in treatment...so just think about what got you to where you are right now...and what it's worth to KEEP yourself here at the point you're at.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 8:41 am 
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Quote:
I have not found this site to be very supportive with the methadone maintenance but I find myself drawn back to this site to check on you and Romeo and a few others but you two for sure. I need to get your email address PM it to me just in case I ever lose sight of this site anyways.....


I dunno about everyone here... but I love methadonians! Maybe some people don't wanna admit we're not really that much different? I wouldn't leave just because of them. Suboxone is methadone-lite. It's all the same shit really.

Amber ... I can so relate to where you are. Jonathan really nailed it when he said we shouldn't be hanging out with people in early recovery. And what happened then is EXACTLY why. Relapse in early recovery can be contagious if we're not careful.

That you drove off like that was easily the best thing you coulda done. It was also something I SHOULDA done countless times in the past, and I ended up paying for it. So you did the right thing! Don't think yourself rude or anything. When she's back in recovery and clean, and facing similar situations herself, she'll understand why you did what you did.

If I were you, I'd try to make new friends in non-addict circles. I know it can be really hard, but IMO if a person wants to get well they gotta hang around people who are well. People who either have years clean, or people from the non-addict team. The kinda people us-types find intimidating to hang around. People with white picket fences who work hard and take their kids on vacation. It comes down to finding some kinda social activity you can latch onto.

Quote:
I used to sell pills and H, before starting on suboxone, I dont admit to it alot, cuz I feel so bad about it now, vut I was EVERYbody's FAVORITE person (most of the time) everybody thought I was super cool, and I guess I just liked feeling so 'important' all the time. you know, that many people sort of 'sucking up to me' and shit.


The stupid thing is ... junkies are always nice to a dealer's face ... but most veteran addicts I know hate their dealers, especially the ones that don't use themselves. How many guys I'd be sitting around with waiting for the-man ... bad-mouthing them saying "that vietnamese c*&@ making money off our misery" ... then the moment he'd show up, it was all smiles and kiss-assing.

None of it's real amber.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 8:01 pm 
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Wow Amber, I just want to say that you did so freaking good. I know exactly what you were going thru. Our addict brain wants to get high. It will tell make us rationalize that getting high is good. I swear I have been thru this and still do sometimes. I think the best part of your story was your ability to STOP your addict brain and think past the moment and see into the future how horrible life will truly be after the fact. Sure getting high would feel good, but it is the "after you get high" part that sucks.. I think being on sub and having that extra protection and having our receptors saturated long enough to realise that they way we used to behave was not working for us. AND IT IS UGLY. Didn't you look at that girl and realise that YOU do not EVER want to behave like that ever again? All the things we do to score and get high all the things we tell ourselves to make it seem ok. That poor girl is in a living HELL and you Amber get to be in a happy home with your loving family, sleep and wake up feeling good, have a normal relationship with your child and husband and care about others. That girl is ONLY thinking about herself. That is drugs. Heroin is so fu**ing HARD to get out from under. THANK GOD for sub. I am SO PROUD of you for getting thru this. Each time you resist, it makes the next time is SO MUCH EASIER. You must (& should) be very proud to have been able to run away from this situation. GOOD JOB girl!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 12:11 am 
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Im definitely feeling better today.... I had a cold/flu thing going on over the weekend too, which Im sure all of you can relate missing the days of being your own 'doctor' and giving a hell of a remedy to get rid of flu symptoms :lol:

to answer jonathan's question, ive known this girl since high school. we both started 'recreational use' over ten years ago. thats a long relationship of 'friendship' and I dont remember ever having a bad deal between the two of us.

She did clean up once, as I talked about on my first post, she had about 6 months of recovery time, before a week ago. and I guess thats why I thought it was 'ok' Becuase before this 'stint' of sober time, she had NEVER , that I can remember , tried cleaning up. HER parents have a lota money, maybe thats what made her one of the popular kids, since this town/area is ever so rural.
Anyways, what Im getting at is I really did think she was serious, about recovery. But the answers obvious now.

And I can remember for YEARS telling myself,
"I'll NEVER do heroin" not ever.
becuase then, you know, Id be a TRUE junkie, right

Well, you were lucky to have relatively, short but hard fall jonathan, cuz I here more and more people that say the pills is what led them to heroin.
It is basically the same, like you say. I kept hearing everybody say "the H is cheaper and easier to find"
and I guess what changed my mind, was this one day me and a buddy were driving for hours and hours looking for pills, both in TERRIBLE w/ds, I had even soaked my shirt in sweat going back and forth with the a/c and heat on FULL blast in the car .... Jay finally says, go to _____, thats it, Im getting H, you can wait around all night and shake.
he spent $40, and his withdrawl was 100% gone.
It was at that moment, I finally gave in to the monster.

And to be honest, I only did it a few times, I would try to find whatever else I could first, becuase I really enjoyed the high from the oxy, yes the old ones. I guess Im happy that by the time I 'needed ' to buy a little 'black' I didnt really have enough money left to get enough to 'do the trick' Im sure my tolerence was sky high from shooting diluad and oxy, and I was also getting liquid form towards the end, becuase one of my husbands uncles, was dying from liver cancer.

To sum up,
Im glad Ive got this forum to share, 24/7 when something like this happens, it gives me the chance to look back at some of my older posts, and see how far Ive come, and where I want to go.
becuase when all those bad thoughts are 'stewing' around in your mind, the open road, is a bad place to be.

I had a pretty good day at work, and my kid was so happy to see me when I got home, his big hugs just seemed to make all of that shitty imagry of drug use melt right out of my brain.
and for that, Im definitely thankful.

I see my suboxone doc, on friday. it'll be awesome to tell him all about me getting my teeth fixed, becuase that is one thing that has bothered me most/longest since cleaning up my act.... I still 'look' like a junkie.

thanks for listening

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:01 am 
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I can REALLY relate with you on the dental/tooth thing, Amber. I'm a guy..and you know how guys are all adamant about their looks...well, if I sent you a picture of myself with even half a smile on my face, you'd laugh and call me a toothless redneck. It's the most embarrassing thing to me to have no teeth, or actually, I should say, to have a couple here, a couple there..but nothing that resembles anything in the definition of "teeth". I have pieces and parts..

I'm slowly going to the dentist, usually about once a month, and having my teeth pulled, one or two at a time. I only have about 8 or 9 left total...so I don't have many to have pulled..but I want to stretch out the extractions through 2012 so that I don't run out my insurance doing it all at once and then have to wait until 2013 before I can get my plates..because my insurance only has a $1500 cap, and once I hit that, I have to pay 100% of the dental visits. My plans are to use the $1500 this year to get extractions and get ready for dentures..then next year when the $1500 starts over, use it for my plates to be put in..and I'll finally have a mouth that I'm not ashamed of anymore. It's just making it UNTIL that time. It's rough to have to change your whole life just to hide your smile..I think about it every minute of every day. If I'm out in public and talking to someone, I can watch their eyes slowly drift downward to my horrible excuse of a smile. I always have in the back of my mind to not smile big, and I constantly am thinking about how to say words that don't make me whistle through the gap or show too much of my gums..it's hard to reinvent yourself to talk different, eat different, smile different..and just BE different...


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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2012 2:42 am 
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Amber, I hope I don't sound condescending when I say I'm SO proud of you! I mean, I know I'm not your mom, or even someone you remotely know, but my day just became better because of what you did and what you didn't do. If I were your mom, or sister, or aunt I would run up and give you a big hug. You did exactly what you were supposed to do, despite the excitement in your stomach, despite the temptation. You forced your mind to look at the long term consequences. Your son is a lucky boy. He has a very good mom who puts him first. I admire that, and I'm proud of you for it.

Amy

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