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PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 1:47 pm 
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Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2010 2:22 pm
Posts: 40
I guess this will be my get clean dialouge. Maybe it will help someone, not just me. And it seems to me that will be an enormous step. Considering when you are an addict you only care about #1....YOU.

I no longer need drugs in my life. I'm super excited about this fact, but also terrified of the unknown. I resented my disease, and I used that spite as my motivator. Not to mention, someone told me I couldn't. Not a good idea for them. Perfect for me. :)

When people say addiction is mental, all in our heads, I'd have to agree. We can argue the physical part all you want but when it gets down to it...It's in our heads. Not OUR choosing, shocking, I know.... but true none the less.

Okay, Okay. I'm getting ahead of myself. Slow down, Amber.
Finally, just Amber. That is so refreshing. Pure, certainly not innocent, but the Amber who cares. Not just about herself, but about those who need her love.
I have learned to love me, therefore, I can now give and recieve love.

So please bear with me now. To some of you, this will sound like rambling...but to some this will hit home hard.

Because all addicts are family, though not bound by blood.
The past is gone, but not forgotten. In order to know me now...you have to know me then.

Excerpts from my journal...while an addict.
June..2008

I am at war. The enemy is close. I feel it. My heart pounds, it races. Fast. Too fast. Addrenline, maybe.
But it feels more as if it's trying to pry it's way from my chest. Faster and faster still. Relentless, with no hope of slowing
down. My heart beats, it flutters, it tries to escape...
Like a moth, with a newly anticipated set of wings. Wings it just cannot wait to to test out on the night air.
The air.
The air here is different. Heavier, more intimidating.
If air has a presence, which I'm now certain it does, this air is my Grim Reaper. Crazy talk of a damned man, yes.
But I swear this air is worse than the enemy. It cannot be illuded or escaped. This air will not be sought out, brought to it's knees in mercy.
It hovers about, in quiet confidence. Knowing that you need it. Knowing that IT controls YOU.

I hold my breath, my only defense. I do not need this air. DO NOT want this air. Never again, I say.
But clever is this air. It reminds me how I need it, how it feels. Breathing it in, slow sweet breaths.

And soon I'm back to square one. My stare down with the Grim Reaper.
My enemy, my friend, my air, my war.

Inhaling one last time, a thought occurs to me.

I AM THE ENEMY.

And answer me this my friend.....

How do you win victory in a war against yourself??????

So the war rages on.

Everyday I will try and post...My story is a long one. This could take a while....LOL.
But I know it's good for me.
Take care, Amber.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 8:49 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 01, 2010 2:08 am
Posts: 4
Thanks for sharing your success story with us.


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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