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 Post subject: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Tue Apr 10, 2018 1:17 pm 
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Hey Guys & Gals,


I've been wanting to discuss this for a while now but never really worked up the courage to do so. I've been on bupe now for a year now (April 13th was my induction day) & I still feel that addict mentality of wanting to take my mood to the "next level". Yes, I have taken extra films in the past 8 months or so in hopes of achieving that opiate high, you know, the one that let's you feel like you have super powers? But it never freaking happens! I realize that now, & lately, instead of taking the whole 8 mg at one time, I now take 4 mg in the am, then I take the other 4 mgs in the evening. Thus far, it's working out fine. But I wanna get rid of that addict mentality. I'm aware that it doesn't go away overnight... So I've decided to seek therapy (counseling) in hopes that it works. It's still a few weeks away. But does anyone here have any advice? Thanks for taking the time to read this! :)


Love Always,


Ash

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:42 pm 
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Hi Ash. Your one year on Suboxone is right around the corner. I can remember that date pretty easy, my son was born on that date. But yeah, I'm guilty of the same thing, trying to get high by taking a little or a lot of extra Suboxone in the beginning but it never works. At least it didn't for me. But eventually after being on Suboxone and getting used to not being high and not looking for pills all the time, it just wasn't appealing to me anymore. I had a therapist for a while but I kinda felt like I knew almost as much as she did about addiction and recovery because I have been to countless drug rehabs. But it was good to freshen up on my recovery skills. Another thing I like is YouTube. There is a recovery family there. Well that is what we call it. But yeah lots of people in recovery on YouTube and I chat with them and we all hold each other accountable. Therapy is always good though and I think you will get a lot out of it. Stay strong girl, we didn't get this way over night so it will take a little while to recover but your definitely on the right track. Your forum friend, Angie


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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2018 11:53 am 
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Hey Ashlee!

Well don’t beat urself up, like Angie said, I think a lot of ppl go through that period of taking a little extra..... after all we’re addicts and that’s what we’re used to doing. We experiment taking a little extra then realize that this medicine doesn’t get ya high. It starts to sink in that all that achieved was wasting ur medicine. Sometimes it takes some ppl running short and running out completely and not having any medicine for a week before their next appointment. I know u said u have a stockpile so I doubt you’ve hit that problem but some ppl do. Anyway, my point was that it does happen, some ppl have done that and then realize no matter how much we take, the high won’t be there.

I still do counseling, after all these years not a month has went by that I don’t do counseling or meetings. Honestly, the meetings my clinic has are so helpful. You get to talk with other patients also taking this medicine, about anything and everything. I know not all places do that but any type of meetings u can find that fits ur personality or makes u comfortable, I’d encourage u to try it and I bet you’d like it. After awhile, u can start helping the new ppl and trust me, it makes u feel great to be able to talk with and help others. I think u should definitely give the counseling a go, u may really benefit from it. You’ve had a pretty traumatic history, counseling would help u in a lot of different areas.

Another thing that I personally feel is hugely important is keeping urself busy busy. Hobbies are good to get urself focused on not being in ur own head so much. Not being able to notice every little ache and pain, not focusing on the every day stresses of life.... u know, something to keep the mind busy. I started gardening. I have to admit that since I’m an addict, I went a little overboard and it looks like a jungle in my house now lol! I have so many spider plants that I give them away all the time. Things like that, where u enjoy it and putting ur effort into it produces results, that’s what helped me. I also spent countless hours on eBay, I kinda went overboard on that so be careful shopping :) but u get what I’m saying hopefully. Anything u love doing it have a passion for, turn it into a hobby.

You’re doing great Ashlee, you’ve been through a lot. Now is ur time to heal and you’ll get there, I believe in u.

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2018 12:39 pm 
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Angie,


Thanks for the advice love, like I previously mentioned, I start therapy on the 26th. I hope it goes well. How old is your son now? What's his name? I'd love to talk & get to know you more!



Jenn,


I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be on this medicine for the rest of my life! & I'm totally fine with that! I love gardening by the way, my husband & I wanna put a bunch of hydrangeas & germaniums in the backyard! I also have a "fetish" with streams, ponds & waterfalls. We just bought the fertilizer to make the grass more green & lush. That's something I'm definitely into. Counseling is something I'm actually pretty pumped for. If I feel comfortable with the counselor then I'm gonna dump so muchhh on her. Hahaha the wrath of Ash. No I'm kidding. Thanks for believing in me Jenn! Message me back damn it! Hahaha


Love and sunshine,


Ash

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2018 12:53 pm 
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I will I promise!!

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2018 12:55 pm 
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By the way Jenn, where can I get all that gardening gear for cheap? Is there a website you go to?



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Ash

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:01 pm 
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Oh gosh I don’t know Ashlee. I always just go get what I need at Lowe’s and Walmart. Mainly Lowe’s. Oh and Tractor Supply, if u have one of those. It’s not just Tractor stuff lol! It’s actually anything to do with farming and gardening and animals. It’s where I get all my bunny supplies too.

Hydrangeas, my favorite! My fiancé has mastered the art of propagating them. There’s small little hydrangeas all around our house because of his obsession lol.

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:13 pm 
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Yesss!!!!


I love blue hydrangeas, from what I've heard though, you need a certain amount of acid in the soil in order to produce that color for your hydrangeas.


I have a mastiff, so having a garden is nearly impossible unless I secure the crap out of it. Sal & I wanna put up a 13 foot fence all over the house so we can create our own personal private Oasis :) were also wanting to install a "she she'd" for me back there. He's got the man cave in the basement & I'll have my shed. But I'll go out there on rainy days & read books, drink tea, watch my garden & waterfall, you get it! That's my goal right now!


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Ash

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:14 pm 
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Damn it. I meant to say she shed. Hahaha.

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:18 pm 
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For gardening tools I have gone to estate or farm auctions. I once picked up a set of hand tools for about $8, including two types of hoes, shovels, an axe, rakes. Still have and use em. Plus the fun of the whole auction atmosphere. I usually leave with a couple of items I have absolutely no use for.


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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Thu Apr 12, 2018 11:32 am 
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Great idea Docm2! I hadn’t ever thought of that. My parents just went to an estate sale a couple months ago.

Ashlee, have u ever saw this stuff at Walmart (or anywhere that sells gardening supplies) for hydrangeas, u sprinkle it in the soil with the plants and u can get blue for blue hydrangeas or pink for pink hydrangeas. It’s something to do with the soil, ur right. I haven’t ever gotten any but I’ve read that it works.

A mastiff, wow and all I have to worry about is bunnies lol! In my defense, bunnies eat things so they may eat my plants.

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Thu Apr 12, 2018 12:32 pm 
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Docm2,


Here in my town located in Michigan, we have a city wide garage sale that runs for a whole weekend. Just so happens that my neighbor is selling a bunch of her & her late husbands' gardening gear. I'll buy it all for dirt cheap, then it's off to Home Depot I go! But a farmers auction... Where can I find one of those?I can probably find a bunch of good stuff there! Thanks Docm2!



Jenn,

Yeah I've seen it all over the gardening section at Walmart. I have this image in my head about how I want my backyard to look. I wanna put up either an all wooden fence, white vinyl, or maybe even bamboo. My husband & I also wanna build a stream or a koi pond with a waterfall connected to it. We also want to build a garden path, have an area for succulents, and I would LOVEE a wisteria canopy. We also want to build the fence all the way around the house. The she shed will be in the far left corner. Yes, I plan to accomplish this within the next few years that it's possible! I don't know how I'd keep Avii out of it though! He thinks that everything is his!



Love,


Ash

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2018 10:46 am 
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I’m the succulent queen Ashlee! Succulents were the very first plants I started out with..... those and spider plants. I got so many succulents that I started making those succulent arrangements lol and I got pretty dang good at it. Most of them have survived after all these years, I bring em inside during winter and they go out on both porches in spring and summer. I have a string of pearl plant that’s so long it touches the floor! Ah it’s gorgeous. Lord don’t get me started talking about plants, I’ll never stop! I actually enjoy my inside plants more than the outside because it gets so incredibly hot here in the summer. The humidity gets so high that we’re warned to not stay out for long periods of time, good for the succulents but not me :)

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2018 2:00 pm 
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Hahaha All hail the Succulent Queen!


I'm still pretty new at this whole plant ordeal, but I want in!!


I need to get honest here I'm tired of not talking about this I feel so depressed with my life that I keep taking an extra half of my film or the whole damn thing & no it doesn't do anything other than make me more frustrated. My husband gives them to me and hides them so that I don't know where they are. But I somehow still manage to find them. & They never do anything. The thought of going off this medicine makes me want to cringe. I'm happy at 8 mgs. But why do I want that extra push? Like I said previously, I have an appointment with a counselor on the 26th, it cannot come faster. But why am I feeling this God forsaken depression? I cry over everything, I don't want to get up and get on with my day, I don't want to do anything. Does anyone have advice or suggestions? I don't want to ever have to white knuckle it & screw myself over to where I have to wait a few days/ week without my meds. That will never happen. My husband has also never dealt with an addict before. How the hell do I get out of this?



Ash

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2018 2:28 pm 
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This thread has gone way off the original topic, but I still wanted to congratulate you on your 1 year of recovery. That is truly a milestone, an I’m happy for you! As far as the addict behavior goes, I totally understand and identify. I’m prescribed 3mg/day but honestly if I take 1mg in the morning and 1mg after work I’m fine. But I find myself taking that extra 1mg piece just because I’m stressed or want to “feel better” even though it doesn’t work that way. Even after many years in recovery I still have that compulsion. I don’t know what the answer is, but it’s progress not perfection as they say. I think for me personally I need to get back into individual therapy. I think you mentioned doing the same thing. In the meantime give yourself a break. If you’re not running out early and you’re not using drugs then you’re doing well.


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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2018 7:11 pm 
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Hi Ash! You asked about my son. Yeah today he is 14, and we call him GT. So today is your 1 year anniversary. Way to go!! I feel ya on that depression. I get seasonal depression and get really depressed in the Winter time. Then I usually snap out of it when the weather gets nice again. I hope your depression eases up soon as well. Well we are headed out to celebrate GT's birthday. Have a great weekend. Your forum friend, Angie


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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Sat Apr 14, 2018 12:01 pm 
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Happy Birthday to your son, Angie! Don't they grow up so quickly?? My baby boy is turning 20 next month!! He still seems to need me, but is self sufficient in many ways. He will be back home from his first year of college on May 8th, and I can't wait!!

I'm sorry that you get depressed every winter! You should move to Colorado where it is sunny 330 days a year! I get sick of all of the sun, but I grew up in Vermont, so I enjoy some cloudy days.

Have fun celebrating GT's birthday!!

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Sat Apr 14, 2018 12:22 pm 
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Thanks everyone for your posts... Lol we did get off topic big time didn't we?!


LillyVal,


Thanks for congratulating me. It's been a hell of a year, God willing, I will have the next 90 years that will be just as happy & full love. I wonder if this will always just naturally be apart of how we think as addicts? Who knows! Thanks for your response, LillyVal, it means allot!


Bamagurl22,


They grow up way too fast. My baby brother Jayd will be 14 on August 14th. The Golden Birthday! Tell GT we all here wish him a Happy Birthday! Too bad we don't live close together, I'm told that my birthday cakes happen to be the best! :) Thanks for your concern regarding my depression, I think alot of it has to do with my cycle. It seems like I have HORRIBLE depression a few days before I start! I dont take birth control pills or anything like that. So maybe that has something to do with it... Oh well!!! Im gonna have to talk with my doctor about it. Thanks again!



Love,

Ash

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Sun Apr 15, 2018 8:18 am 
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Getting off topic isn’t so bad when ur passionate about something right :) plus it’s a good thing to keep ya busy if u like it and need something to occupy that void we have after entering recovery.

As far as the taking extra Ashlee, I’m not sure anyone has the exact answer for that. I think a lot of us have done it at one point. I did. The only thing I can tell ya that worked for me was time. After taking extra here and there I finally just stopped and it became more of a routine and more like a diabetic would take their medication every day to be healthy. There really wasn’t a solution I found or any one thing that helped more than another, I guess I just finally stopped searching for something to make me try to feel better.... a type of surrender situation.

The first couple of years (I know that seems like a long time but I had major issues with my guilt over my daughter) I was a wreck. In my counseling and in my meetings, I couldn’t even talk out loud without crying. I would cry so hard that the meetings would have to skip me talking because I couldn’t finish my thoughts because I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. U know that crying where u just sit and do the snorting thing.... that was me. It was usually about my daughter who I hadn’t had a relationship with during my active addiction because of my ex husband and of course my using. Then in recovery she refused to speak to me (she’s 16 now). She still doesn’t forgive me. So I had numbed those feelings for so long that it took me a LONG time to even speak out loud about it. I have to assume that maybe I took extra medication to numb that pain, even though it didn’t work. Eventually the more I talked about it (even though it took baby steps to even speak about it) the more I was able to let that go and realize I couldn’t control other people’s feelings and all I could do was make amends to let my heart heal. It took a couple years but now I can talk about it and I’ve accepted whatever is going to happen. And my solution to all that was time and counseling.

So when u start ur counseling, it may be tough at first and u may not be able to do anything but cry at first, but u will feel better. U may need an antidepressant or maybe something to help with depression, who knows, but u should voice all this to ur counselor and ur doctor. Buprenorphine is a miracle drug to me, but without working through our recovery, we’re just stuck in time.

Sorry to go so deep! Gosh a whole autobiography! But I think u need to know that ur ok and with time and work, this will ease up.

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 Post subject: Re: Addictive behavior
PostPosted: Sun Apr 15, 2018 1:51 pm 
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Thanks Jenn!!


Yeah I am a HUGE crybaby! I cry about anything and everything. My husband (jokingly) makes fun of me when I cry because I go wayyy overboard. But like you said, I'm gonna just wait until I see the therapist & hopefully it goes the way I'm hoping it would :) wanna know what's so amazing? When you stop your active addiction, stop making wrong decisions, (idk if you're religious, but I am) since I've gotten clean & I'm now sober, everything I've prayed to God for has been answered. Truly is amazing. Everything in your life becomes so much more clear, & you feel as if your addiction was never there in the first place. Over the past year, I've spent most of my days at home, trying to figure out who I was as a person & what I wanted to do in this life. I am a Christian still, but when my husband & I go out in public places, I cover my hair & dress modestly. I watch everything I say around people, & my relationship with my family is at an all time high! So other than having that little demon behind me telling me to take an extra half or full film on days that I'm down, I'm totally fine! I really believe that once I start therapy, I'll be so much better than I am now :) thanks everyone for your love & support, you have no idea how much all of you really mean to me, & you all are so appreciated not just by me, but by everyone else who comes to this cyberspace <3


Love always,

Ash

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