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Suicide Isn’t Painless
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Author:  bunsonbyrner [ Fri Dec 29, 2017 12:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Suicide Isn’t Painless

Hey Guys,

It’s been a helluva year, all of it leading into what felt like a pretty good Christmas event with my immediate family, and my wife’s nearby parents and siblings. I was off work through the 27th, but ended up taking a fourth day off after receiving some heavy news on Wednesday night.

For those who don’t know, I’m type II bipolar, a condition I inherited from my mother, who is decidedly more severe than myself. A month or two ago, my parents paid a visit and my mom sat me down to yell at me that I was letting my bipolar issues destroy my marriage. There might be some truth to that, though “letting” is a strong word. Anyway, I said all that to say this: Wednesday, December 27th, my mom finally gave up the fight and tried to kill herself.

Around 1PM that afternoon, I received a text from her which read: “Love you !”

I thought nothing of it as she’ll often send texts like that periodically. I responded, but heard nothing back. What I couldn’t have known was that she had sent the same text to my dad and both my two sisters. Apart from a jumbled suicide letter she sent to her psychiatrists office, that was it for goodbyes. In the chain of events, she would have then popped 30 Xanax after drinking two glasses of champagne and then settled into sleep and unconsciousness and that might have been it. Fortunately, my dad deduced something was wrong and called an ambulance. It’s 8:20 on December 29th and I just got a text from my dad saying she is (mostly) awake and alert. The police got involved so she is being 5150’d, a state she’s familiar with from her bipolar type I friend, Katie.

Anyway, this knocked me for a loop. When I was a kid, my mom used to drive around with a shotgun in the trunk of the car with suicidal intent. More than once she drove up to the lake near the town we lived in and almost drove the car in at the boat ramp to drown herself. Since then, she’s done arrogant and irresponsible things with her medication that were borderline but not blatant suicide attempts like this last. Xanax is about as a effective as a BB gun as a suicide instrument, apart from potential liver damage or aspirating and choking on vomit after slipping into unconsciousness. But I’d bet a lot of money that my mom didn’t know that, and legitimately wanted to die this time.

I know she’s in a lot of pain. She won’t say so, but I’m 90% certain my grandfather molested her as a child. But all of that aside, this has left me feeling hurt, angry and rejected. Suicide is something I’ve thought about, even recently, but it’s the kind of place where I circle the parking lot a couple of times but never get out of the car. If anything, this has shown me how close I wasn’t to killing myself.

My tendency here is to self medicate through the pain, which I’m trying to do and have been largely successful. All the same, I have some feelings, and a lack of certain feelings that are hard to deal with. I thought I would share so I could externalize some of this. Thank you all for indulging me.

BB

Author:  rule62 [ Sat Dec 30, 2017 3:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Suicide Isn’t Painless

That's a tough story to digest BB. I hope your Mom receives the best of treatment and can possibly find some peace in this world. Same goes for you.

At least you know more about the disease at an earlier age then your mother did when she was younger. We have better medications and therapies just for your & your mothers illness. A lot of us know either family or friends with Bi Polar symptoms. Two people I know have it but won't admit it. Therefore they go on binges and depressions w/o getting the right medical assistance. You have an advantage over them by just admitting it and asking for help.

So sorry you have to go through this mess. Try to be a good example to your Mom and maybe she'll learn from you.

Author:  bunsonbyrner [ Sun Dec 31, 2017 4:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Suicide Isn’t Painless

It’s been surreal. My family are not good communicators. My mom pooped the pills around 1PM, and I didn’t find out until 10PM when my sister called. Since my mom’s vitals were good, my dad didn’t see it as a crisis or emergency. Never mind that it was a blatant attempt to take her own life, that I grew up with the fear of that happening every two or three years. I wanted to blitz out into opiate oblivion but didn’t, so I guess that’s something. The cold part of me doesn’t give a shit, but there’s another part that I visualize as a child running around in vacuous darkness, screaming for the mother he’ll never find.

There will be healing. But there will also be scars.

Author:  Amy-Work In Progress [ Tue Jan 02, 2018 1:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Suicide Isn’t Painless

The damage that can run in families can be devastating. It's possible that a cycle of abuse went back generations, leading to your mom's suicide attempt. The best news to come out of this event is that you have been able to sit with it, as uncomfortable as it is because of the memories of other attempts and threats of suicide by your mom, and not turn to drugs of addiction for comfort. You're right! That is significant progress. Don't discount your ability to feel the harsh emotions without getting blitzed. That's really important!

My paternal grandmother killed herself when I was a baby. She set everything up so that my dad would come over and find her dead. She withdrew her money from the bank in cash and labelled every piece of furniture, jewelry, and keepsake with the name of the person you should receive it. I was talking to my dad about a couple of years ago. He said, "You know, Ama. Not one person asked me how it felt that my mom left everything for me to find." My dad, although delightful and loving at times, also carries a lot of anger. And I think it all starts with his mother's suicide. It's hard stuff.

I wish you and your family the best as you grapple with your mom's suicide attempt. I hope that she gets the help she needs, but don't forget that you may need help too. It might be a good idea to talk to a therapist or join a support group of people with similar experiences.

Amy

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