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 Post subject: Update
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 9:39 pm 
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[font=Georgia] [/font]Hi everyone! I realized it's been quite awhile since I have been on here. Things are going fairly well for me. I really don't know what I would have done without this site in the beginning. I'm glad to see everybody is doing fine.

I celebrated my 1st year of being clean in Dec. I realized that it wasn't just from pills. For the first time in my adult life I was free from everything. I had always smoked pot or drank or something. So my anniversary was a big one. I have seemed to have the worst luck in the world this past year. Everything that could go wrong has. Things have happened that I couldn't have imagined getting through when I was still using let alone now. But as things came along the thought came to me that thank God I'm not still using. I would think this sucks but what would I have done then. I had no options. Now at least I have one or two if I'm lucky.

Anyway thanks again for all the support I received. I just wanted to give an update.


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 Post subject: Amazing
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 9:56 pm 
Reading posts like yours gives me hope and incentive. For so long, I thought getting through life day by day without taking pills was impossible. Now I know: we do recover. Keep it up, now you can use your life to help other hopeless people! Good Luck!

james


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 10:46 pm 
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way to go.......I am very proud of you. I to thought life would only get better in my choice of recovery yet some of the worse things have happened but I did not use......kept going to 12 step meetings and praying to God. I am happy for and wish you the best........


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2010 12:30 pm 
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reraise:

not sure what your struggles you have had since you abstained from opiates, but really what good would it be if you were on opiates vs. off opiates... nothing really cept you would be in a false sense of reality and either not react correctly to the situation or just not care...

So keep your head up and that is what will get us through these rough times! :D


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2010 1:01 pm 
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Actually that doen't make any sense to me at all. When I was on opiates...I didn't feel anything or care about anything. I just didn't care what happened or who thought what. I was confrontational and self abosorbed. Now I open my mail, I dont isolate...I deal with what is before me and things I did while actively using forced me to deal with them while off opiates. Sometimes we wait too long to get help which resulted for me a divorce and not being able to see my childeren on a daily basis....so for this addict dealing with life off opiates is certainly better then not dealing with life numb........


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 12:25 pm 
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Funny how we all have different experiences on opiates. While I completely understand those who used opiates and didn't care, there are others of us who did just the opposite. Personally, to my bad, I wanted to be super-hero-dad/ hubby / provider. Opiates still let me open mail and do things. For a while, the LIE, and still a trigger for me, is that opiates let me do MORE... I can take more and do more.. and occasionally numb up. The main motivation was to do more, work harder, last longer for a day, etc.

Interesting outcome of this thread. Some were total a total loss on opiates. Others of us used for a lont time for the 'boost' and the 'power' we thought we got.. but ALAS...we all end up in the same place - chasing the unattainable. Then faced with the wreck we have made. Glad for treatment.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 2:31 pm 
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I'm not sure if I'm on point with the original thread, but I have to say that I completely 100% identify with LatheDude's last comments. I guess I have had three main phases of drug abuse. The first phase was what I think many people would call a “controlled” phase. During this time in my life I used a single hydrocodone or oxycodone 5mg two or three times a MONTH. This went on for many years and in many ways served to convince me that I had all of this in complete control and there was nothing to worry about. There were no withdrawals, no increasing doses, no increasing amounts of use, the best of the highs that I ever received. Life was great!

In phase two my life started getting more complicated (beyond just the drugs). I had a much more demanding job. I was trying to build up a business. I was dating and considering marriage - and that came with two (wonderful) stepchildren. It was here that like LatheDude says, I received a huge help in getting everything done because of the opiates. I can remember really struggling to get everything done without them and it seemed like magic with them. In my mind I used them to be a better person, get more done, spend more time with the kids, on and on, etc. etc. etc. No doubt, using them "to be a better person and get more done" just helped me to further deny that I had become an addict. It was also here that the frequency of my use started to increase followed by the amount. It was also later in phase two that I started to retreat from my friends and family in order to use. I dove into my work and many, including myself, thought it was about being a workaholic. Of course I now know it was just as much or more about being a drug addict and not an over-achieving hard worker.

Phase three seemed to come up and bite me before I even knew it. I went on a weeklong cruise in the winter of 2003, left the drugs at home, and didn't really have any appreciable withdrawal symptoms without them. I was very lucky as I had no idea how miserable that cruise could have been for me if I would have been in withdrawals. It would not take much longer to find out as by that spring I would start to withdrawal if I didn't use every day. It was here that I could tell that things were going down hill fast but I could not or would not do anything about it. No one knew of my use. No one had a clue. In fact until October 2009 when it was discovered, no one still had a clue. I had better periods and worse periods but I can see so much more clearly now how much of a mess my life had become. By now the energy that I had received from opiates was long gone and I only searched to not feel sick and try to feel somewhat normal. Problems between my wife and me had nothing to do with my drug use – is what I thought. Our divorce in 2006 only made matters much worse, followed by the death of two of my pain pill sources (grandparents who didn't need the medication that they were prescribed (and refused to take it)). I unfortunately then turned to an illegal source which is now still bringing my life crashing down as I deal with the legal issues of my addiction.

I didn't want to make this at all about me. My whole point is to reinforce what LatheDude had to say about his experience. While at first it was about the high feeling I got, it was the ability to do more that really hooked me in – not the high feeling. In fact, like many or most of you, I have not felt like I did in the early years of abusing for a long, long time. For many years now it has not been about getting high. Not at all. For the last two years all I've wanted to feel is "normal". I have not chased being high very much if at all. Today, I have no urge to get high whatsoever. Of course I'm certain that Suboxone has a lot to do with that.

I guess I could have said "ditto" but that's just not my style. Sorry SLM3 if we sort of changed direction with your post.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 5:21 pm 
I also initially found opiates of all types to be energizing and activating. Looking back, I can see now that this was a huge warning sign that I would become an addict - that my body did not respond to opiates the way 99 percent of people do. Most people who are legitimately given painkillers for pain take one or two and get very sleepy, and go to bed. From the very first time I took two 5 mg Vicodin at the age of 18, I felt hypomanic and the beginnings of euphoria, and automatically decided to take 10 more. For several years I was a "recreational" user, and never experienced any kind of withdrawal if I ran out of pills between parties on weekends. But slowly and surely, my life became dark and secretive, and I started to isolate from family and friends in order to use opiates alone. That's when the partying stopped and my life became all about how to get, use, and get more pills. Finally, at what I call the "end stages" of my addiction, I began mixing my pain pills with large doses of benzos and alcohol, which led to increasingly frequent blackouts, serious overdoses, and criminal charges. G-d, the descent into addiction is so predictable, yet almost impossible to recognize when it's happening to you! I know in my heart if it wasn't for the fact that I was physically jailed and unable to get to more opiates for a significant period of time, and then presented with the opportunity to go on Suboxone, I would have been dead a long while ago. Don't let anyone tell you miracles can't happen.

james


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 7:32 pm 
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Its funny ..........now..certainly not then. My final attempt before getting on Suboxone. It's like watching a movie that you have seen before and know has a very bad ending but somehow you are able to stop the movie. I would have to agree that I used to love the energy it gave me and when I would feel that "throng" in my ears (wierd-not sure if you understand) I felt I could do anything. My last year was nothing more than trying to chase that "high" and it was pathetic. In most cases I had to have it just to get up and out of the house. Thank God...I had a boss that was not very good at checking up on his field people because I was usually hidden away in my apartment ..with the blinds closed..refusing to answer the door or open the mail. Instead of throwing it away...I would hideit in my closet...mostley medical bills from my drug seeking (Who goes to 14 different ER's for a broken arm). This was usually the biggest problem with my exwife going to ER's, Urgent Cares...Dr's for every imaginable thing......that was no life. The $100 I pay a month to my sub doc is nothing compared to all the co-pays and then eventually off the street....$200 a day. I too no longer have cravings and I am currently paying everyone of those medical bills...some dating back 5 years. This is something I never could have done if not for Suboxone..I guess I shouldn't say dealing with the loss of a wife of 10 years, my home, professional corporate job and being able to put my children to bed every night as bad times while in recoverybut it is painful and the old me would be in a hotel room chewing as many Loratabs I could.......I am grateful I am not that person anymore......


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:23 pm 
Hey ReRaise,
I definately sympathize with having to pay off old debts and consequences accumulated while using. But don't get too down, just keep the thought in your mind that each day not using is another day further away from those negative life consequences and toward the day when you are totally, completely free in every area of your life. I guess we all know by now, it takes a loooong time to get better. While I was using, I would think "if I could just stop, I would have money, things, and everything will be fine." But in reality, stopping is just scratching the surface of learning to live without opiates. Anyway, it sounds like you're doing great. Keep it up, and good luck.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 2:36 am 
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Yeah opiates for me where that exact same thing.. They give me energy and they were an upper to me. I would pop 3 7.5 percs and go crazy... and it really started with my dad and I working on things together and he would say, "hey your back hurt" and I'd think, hell yeah it hurts.. and then I realized WOAH this is like crack, i love everything, its all honky doory and so forth....

Like everyone else it was a once in a while thing, weekend, get some here and there.. then it became obsessive, and my supply was more ample then it should of been. And it just spiraled from there.

Though sadly enough, my main reason for ever really taking opiates were to "motivate" myself. Pretty sad when you have to use a substance to get yourself motivated and ready to do things. Really it's a false sense of being and it's just stupid... and I've really come to realize that.

I've quit cold turkey two times before and this is my third time and last time quitting. Life is too fucking precious to waste it being in a cloud 9 all the time thinking that how life is. I and most others wish that could be the case, but a life of depending on something that is fake is just not worth it... also the alternative.. death, loneliness, despair, not worth it.

I'm glad we are all here to chat and share these experiences. Too many time society shuns us for our actions when they should rejoice in the fact that we want to get clean! Yes we made a bad choice, but we made an even better choice to live a life of clarity and honesty, can't get any better than that.

It was interesting, I went to the pharmacy and got my clonidine and the pharmacist said, well these are use for many things. Some for high blood pressure and to help get off things... I think he could see the pain in my eyes... and he said I sure hope these help you out.. I looked and him and said I knew they would.. It was kind of nice to know that he felt sincere in the fact of where I am at... maybe he's been there before.. I don't know... Opiate addiction seems to strike into a lot of lives...

Anyways, I just felt like typing this out.. I like giving my experiences to let others know they're not alone... we are all out fighting the struggle.. one day at a time... seesh... time... don't know about the rest of you, but time flies when on opiates and its too bad, because we don't have that long on this earth, and I don't mean 2012.. living until 70-80-90, doenst matter, that's a fraction of a time.. and every minute should be precious...

KEEP IT UP GUYS!!! We will make it!


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 12:07 pm 
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slm3-

Congratulations on your time in recovery. Sometimes when we think back on what we have faced in recovery we cannot ever imagine how we got through, the human spirit is amazing and powerful.

_________________
"It is never too late to be what you might have been!" - George Eliot


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