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PostPosted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 3:59 am 
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My golly gosh goodness I cannot believe the cursing, uneducated sounding filth I typed just two days ago on this forum, I apologize greatly for those of you who had to read it, let alone reply to it. I promise I am capable of writing incredibly more legible and literate than that.

I read the remaining replies on my last thread and thought that posting my current status as well as what ended up happening after I left my work computer that night would be a good idea. First of all, even though I couldn't express it at the time, I was astounded at seeing SO many warm and understanding people reply to my every post wednesday night within minutes of me typing it, people who didn't even know me, but yet by what you guys typed I know that you really do know me. Part of what got me through the rest of the night HONESTLY was my continuous thinking of how you all kept reassuring me that it would be worth it, that if I would just stick it out I would be forever glad, and I truely believe that if I had not come on here and posted and seen so many of your awesome replies I don't know if I would have stuck it out. It is amazing how people miles and miles away on the internet can affect you, I never would have thought.

Well its obvious I lived through that night, I'll write a small run down of how things went leading up to and throughout my appointment until now.

By the way about me, I am a 22 year old female, I live in Oklahoma, have my bachelor's in fine arts from OU however it does me no good now because I am a manager of a hotel so I only get to be my creative artistic self in my free time. I have been addicted to opiates for 6 years and oxycontin/dilaudid for 4, they were my best friend/husband/mother/father and the only constant "happiness" in my life for a long time, and never did I ever believe that I would want to or need to quit, I had accepted that I would just be a "functioning" addict my whole life, until I stopped functioning so well, but oh you all know that story!

The point it stopped functioning so well was only about a year ago, before that I could have a good oxy/dilaudid habit quite well and still hold my job, have gone through college, and hide everything from my friends and family. I had a fiance that had asked me to marry him that I had been with since I was 18, and he knew about my habit but never really had an opinion on it, pills weren't his thing, pot was. Everything was functionable and fine, we had a nice house (for 21 year olds anyway), pets, no kids, decent things, and superb until my fiance suddenly decided he was sick of working his full time factory job and wanted to do something else. I supported him because he did work extremely hard as did I, so I told him to quit, take a few weeks off to find something else that would make him happy. So he quit...but after weeks of getting used to laying around on the couch everyday never got around to finding another job. I picked up the slack, and started working two full time jobs just to pay bills, while he sat around getting blazed all day. I know now it seems like "why the hell would you put up with that?" but at the time when you are dumb, high, and "in love" you'll put up with a lot.

Until 2 weeks before our wedding when he comes in the house one day, and tells me that he thinks I should know that he's only been using me for a free ride for the last few months and is in love with a 16 year old that lived in some apartments down the road (he's 24) and he was leaving me to go live with her. Those were truely as cold and harsh as his words were, even worse. Well of course we had a huge fight, I was full of disgust, anger, fear, disbelief, and just so much hurt. It ended with him screaming at me that no one would ever love me and that I am truely incapable of finding anyone who will ever care about me, including my family (he knew my family was a sore spot because they really don't like me either) and said I should just do everyone a favor and put myself out of their misery. I couldn't decided at the time whether he was just evil for saying those things, or maybe that because of my addiction I really was that aweful of a person and just couldn't see it.
But nonetheless he left that same day, never called me again or asked for the ring back. I obviously wanted to get as fucked up as possible I didn't care if it killed me I was going to use until the hurt went away. I locked myself away in the house for months, not ever leaving or letting anyone come in except my dealers, luckily it was paid in advance for a few months, but only a few. I started doing shots of oxycontin and coke everyday (speedballs), then got bored with the coke and just stuck to the oxy. I remember I stayed in my bathroom for 5 days in a row at one point, not eating, just sleeping and banging until I ran out and then only left to get more. I was in very very very sick, bad shape. And you know in that whole time not one single "friend" or family member came to check on me, they knew what I was going through to some extent. I even broke down and called my mom bawling at the beginning of it telling her I needed help and she really didn't know what to say or how to handle it, so she just said, "Ok honey well we'll look into what we can do for you, lets start by praying, and see what god brings us" and of course the flying spaghetti monster brought nothing, and my mom didn't call back. I was so utterly alone I literately had no one in my address book besides my mom. So after a few months of this I had lost 60 pounds, was very skinny and unhealthy, and wanted to make myself as ugly as possible so I even shaved my head. crazy. But this could only be kept up for so long before the landlord kicked me out because I hadn't paid any bills and lost my job months ago, so I had nowhere to go except to my mothers house. I moved what I had left into a small guest room, and definitely felt like a guest there, an outcast, maybe I alienated myself I don't know, but either way my addiction continued.

I started dating a guy that I would shoot oxy with every day, he was kind like me no real family that cared or friends, so after dating him for a few weeks he offered to rent an apartment for us to live in, and I could get back on my feet and start working and we would just share the rent. I was so unable to care about anyone at this point I just said sure because I knew he would pay for my habit, and I was desperate to get out of my moms. So we moved into where I live now, and actually over the course of a few weeks I stopped using needles and just stuck with my nostrils, which I felt was a vast improvement. Still just doing whatever I could to numb every moment of the day though. I still woke up EVERY night screaming and crying from night terrors, I was just so traumatized I can't believe my bf put up with it, I feel extremely guilty now for how I treated him and used him, but then again he has extremely low self esteem too. After awhile I managed to get my old job back, and start making money again. But of course it all went straight up my nose.
Things went like that for awhile, now fast forward to last week. I had been getting fed up for awhile with chasing my tail around and around and around and around. I have spent $3,000 in the last 4 weeks just to stay WELL, I haven't even been high ONCE, still hadn't paid last month's rent and was close to being evicted with my bf, and was sick of it. I so desperately wanted to wake up just ONE DAY and not feel like THAT day was the worst day of my life and wanting to shoot myself. I knew I needed help but didn't really know where to get it. Methadone wasn't an option for me because I had taken it before and it had very negative effects on me, frankly I hated it, and wasn't doing the done clinic thing. I began researching things online and came across suboxone. It looked WAY too good to be true, but I thought hell what do I have to lose and started calling docs in my area for pricing. I was baffled by the cost! Most docs wanted around 2k a month PLUS cost of medication. That was less than my habit, but not much less, and I never had that amount on me all at once. So I got an idea and called my mom and asked her to put me on her insurance and I would pay her for it monthly. She did, and within 2 days I had the name of ONE doctor that my insurance would cover that had a suboxone program, and I would only pay $50 for once monthly office visit, and $60 for a months worth of medication. He was an hour away, but I remember when I got off of the phone that day last week with my appointment time and date scheduled, I was happy and filled with a glimmer of hope for the first time in YEARS, and at the same time with fear. Fear because if this did not work, I wasn't sure anything would. So they told me to be in withdrawal when I got there, and I thought no problem, a little chills and kicks for a few hours should be uncomfortable, but manageable.

Oh how wrong I was, see I had never really experienced full blown withdrawal. The most I had gone without dosing in the last 2 years was maybe 12 hours once. Well, my appointment was for thursday at 1pm like my first post said. I snorted my last oxy wednesday at 2pm, and had to go to work from 3pm to 11pm. The oxy lasted me until towards the end of work, when I started to get very ill feeling, worse than I really ever had. Then almost as if my body knew it wasn't getting anymore I got EXTREMELY irritable and thats when I found and got on this forum and vented all of my frustrations. Ha, if only I knew what I was in store for the rest of the night.

THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE followed after I left work. Honestly, the most excruciating, exhausting, physical pain I can say I have EVER been through in my ENTIRE life. I went to my moms after work and just took a clonidine when she was distracted, and went home and actually fell asleep fast. But only stayed asleep for 2 hours. I woke up a little after 1am, and just felt....like I was dying. I guess I had already been flipping and kicking around bc my boyfriend had moved out into the living room to sleep, and he never does that. The first thing I noticed were my sheets SOAKED in sweat, sweat was pouring off of me although I was so cold I was shaking. Then I felt this horrible, gut wrenching pain in my stomach, and ran for the bathroom. I was on the toilet with severe diarrhea with the trash can in front of me catching my violent vomiting at the same time. After I got everything out of me I could and dry heaved for awhile, I went back to try to lay down. I took my temperature it was 103. I told myself to just lay down and go back to sleep, that it would all be over after a little while. I was scared to take anything else for fear of fucking up my induction. Thats when the kicks started. I swear it felt like worms and bugs were crawling through my veins and out of my skin. The only way I could get the feeling to subside even a little was to thrash and kick and jerk my limbs around as hard as I could. Hell I looked like a god damn acrobat contortionist in my bed. It got so bad I finally just started screaming as loud as I could, and punching the walls just sobbing. I was so angry. Angry at my ex for turning me into this, angry at myself for making me so sick, angry at the drugs and everything else. I tore my room apart, bruised my knuckles. I thought about the forum here, and the responses I got from you guys, and how I couldn't wait to show you how wrong you all were when the suboxone wouldn't work the next day. I almost caved. I picked up my phone at one point and started to text my dealer who is always awake, but then I stopped and thought, "no way did I waste all this pain and suffering to not even try this".

Finally around 6am my boyfriend carries me into a very hot bath, and just sits and washes me while I soak and curse at him for an hour or so, spitting the nastiest fire thats every come from my mouth. He dug around and found a darvocet, which I was extremely hesitant to take but figured it wouldn't hurt since it was only one and not even really a good narcotic, and I would die of an overdose before I would get high off of them, so I took it. After that and the hot bath, around 7am, I FINALLY start to calm down. Whether it was from the darvocet and bath or from just sheer exhaustion of my body I just went into this catatonic like state where all I could do was lie there and hurt. My boyfriend got me into bed again and this time layed with me while I still had minor kicks and jerks and shakes, and then he gets out some magazines and just starts reading random stories to me. I really couldn't even pay attention but trying to got my mind off the pain a little more. I stared at the walls and listened to him drone on until 11am, when I was just like, "Ok thats it, we're heading to the doctor right now, even though we'll get there an hour early he'll just have to see me". So we pack up and drive an hour to a little town where my doc is, and I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Before I was worried about how he would treat me, and how the nurses would act toward me, but at this point I was in so much pain I couldn't have cared less. We got there and I guess since it was such a small town I was his first patient that day or something because they took me right back (either that or they saw how sick I was).

When the doc came in, right away I knew I would like him. He was gay, super feminine, and really cute, sporting a hot pink skin tight shirt and wearing the same brand glasses as I was. The first words out of his mouth were, "O-M-G girl we gonna get you feeling ALL jazzy just you wait! This Dr.'s gonna fix you all up!". And I actually let out a small laugh. He only needed to talk to me for a few moments before starting to dose. me. The whole time I am craving oxy so bad I am really thinking, "I can't wait to get this over with so I can go home and call for more oxy!". When the doc explained that my cravings would be taken away I was just saying in the back of my head, "Ha! Yeah right, nothing in this whole world will ever make me not want that drug." But I played along and put the dose under my tongue. And waited. 30 minutes go by and I am still crunched in a ball in pain, at this point I am so frustrated I almost start crying again, convinced that I was too far gone for the drug to work on me and I would be going home out of options. But then, something strange happened. I noticed that I was still tightened up into a fetal position, but there was no more muscle and skin pain forcing me to, and when I realized that pain was gone and I was curled up for nothing, I just let go, and relaxed my every muscle for the first time in 13 hours. No way I thought, this has to be a placebo effect for something, but whichever it is I am glad for it. I remember thinking that even if nothing else improves just having that joint and muscle pain go away was enough for me to do a victory dance in my head. But as if from some god himself, this pill just kept improving me. Soon I wasn't shaking cold anymore, and grew warm and took my sweat drenched coat off. I could feel that my fever had broke. My eyes quit tearing my my nose stopped running. I didn't want to tear out the doctors eyes anymore. And before I could even really process how much I was improving the doc came in, said we had found out my good dose was going to be 8mg twice a day, totaling 16mg a day, gave me my script, and said I was free. I'll never forget him saying that last part, "And you are free to go..." I don't think he knew how it sounded coming out, but I was for the first time in 6 years...free. Just walking to the car I went from just the physical symptoms washing away to my mental mood soaring. By the time my boyfriend was half way back into town, I realized I had been talking to him the entire car ride about just everyday stuff, I was actually CONVERSING. And by the time we were back home, and just started crying again, but this time out of joy. I truely felt like one of those big huge religious epiphany's had happened to me or something where I got "touched" by something out of this world, because suddenly when I thought about oxycontin, I got nauseous and dizzy, and it couldn't have sounded more disgusting.

I don't need to elaborate much more on the effects of the suboxone as everyone one here already knows, but I am still just astounded that a chemical can make me go that far into 180 degrees in just one dose. I walked into my apartment that day with hope, a smile on my face, went and washed all my sweat and pain soaked sheets from the night before, and for the first time since I can even remember, just felt OK with not having drugs. Not even just ok, I didn't like thinking about them. I didn't even feel like smoking a cigarette until later that night when I had one and only one. That was yesterday, and I know today is only day two, but today has been even better. I woke up thinking about what I wanted for breakfast for the first time in years, instead of where I was going to get my fix. Just that one feat alone could make me cry. I've spent all day making this really cool painting/collage of a sobriety calendar for myself. I now have dreams of actually traveling places, meeting new people, and going out and actually doing things. I know that what I have done is only half of the battle, and the rest is STAYING clean, but for me what I have done already was the hard part.

Now I just have to figure out what I am going to do with all of my extra time, money and energy. I don't even know what you people DO without drugs!! But I am going to find out. I just want to run out into the streets and throw free suboxone at everyone I see, but at the same time I want to hide it in my safe like gold. A+++ You guys knew exactly what you were talking about, and I look forward to getting to know all of you better on the board. So I will be going through archives to see if I can see more about each of you, but to those who helped me through my posts wednesday night, before my life changed forever, if you reply to this one can you just tell me a bit about yourself?

If you have read this far you either have far too much time on your hands, or my writing was just that interesting, but I just had to get my feelings out on here since I have no friends in real life to tell it to anyway lol. Well I can't wait to talk to you guys more. Thank you so much for wednesday night, and for reading this today, as this is probably the most emotional thing I have ever written, and I have teared up several time while writing it.Just to think of how sick I was, and how far I've come to get well, is emotionally overwhelming. But in a positive way.

p.s. oh by the way I spent todays drug money on my past due rent and now get to keep my apartment!! Hooray!!

Taylor

And here is two links to photos of me if anyone would like to see who is typing this. One is of me with my blonde hair grown back in now, and the other was last year when I shaved my head, haha. Just copy and paste into your address bar.

http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff12 ... 1269675520

AND

http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff12 ... 1269675869



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 8:43 am 
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Taylor (you are beautiful hair and no hair),

First, your writing WAS actually that interesting and it was very easy to get through all of it. Your detail and descriptors were excellent and really brought me back to those days when I was in OC withdrawal. You have no idea how happy I am that you made it. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I kept thinking about you after you signed off and knew what was in store for you, how much strength you were going to need to get through it, and how LONG those next hours were going to be. I had to laugh when you said you went to your appointment early because I am sure MANY of us did that and I always had this feeling like I just needed to escape it, me, wherever I was at the time. I am glad that something said to you that night helped give you strength to get through and I am glad we were in the back of your mind. For many of us, by the time we get to that point, we have exhausted any support system and there aren't many people who believe in us anymore.

I am glad you like your doctor and that your induction went well. You shared an experience many of us are familiar with. I remember my disbelief and really felt like it was magic. I too had resigned myself to being in active addiction for the rest of my life and knew eventually I would just lose everything. For me taking suboxone required a huge transition in my thought process. Like you the question became "If I am not going to have to be in active addiction for the rest of my life, then what AM I going to do with myself"? For the first time in a long time I had choice. I don't know that I have spent enough time figuring out the answers to those questions. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. To this day what I find amazing is that my bank account always has extra in it and I am making about 1/4 of what I was then. I find it very easy to save and luckily, when I got on the sub I turned over all of my money and banking to my husband so I could never get away with spending money on drugs without him knowing about it.

You asked us to tell you a little about ourselves. I am 33 years old. I took pills for about 8 years without getting addicted to them because I have a chronic medical condition causing very acute intermittent pain. It is a progressive disease for which there is no cure and the only marginally effective treatment in slowing it down is surgery. I have had about 16 of them for this condition alone over the years. Over time, after IV dilaudid in the hospital, etc. the vicodin and percocet stopped working so well and a friend offered me oxycontin and told me to chew about 1/4 of 40mg pill. I was warned it was addictive but wasn't afraid because I had never been addicted to vic or perc. I bought about 20 of those 40mg pills and by the time those were gone, I was addicted. For the next 2 years it was a game of using the vic from my family doc and the perc from surgery to try and withdrawal from the OC. I always chewed it and never snorted or shot it. At one point I considered buying heroin because it was just getting too expensive to keep up the habit and $3000 a month wasn't cutting it. If I spent more than that my husband was sure to figure it out and I knew he would leave me. That is when I started researching my options.

I started suboxone at 24mg per day about 3 years ago. I stayed on it for 2 1/2 and then went off because I had a falling out with my creepy, nasty doctor and needed a couple surgeries I had been putting off. I jumped off at 12mg and it was extremely difficult. The physical withdrawals weren't nearly as bad as OC but bad enough to send me to the ER for some comfort meds. My husband found this forum for me when we were trying to figure out how long it would take to feel better. The people here were extremely helpful to me and helped walk me through the crazy journey I was on. I was off sub for about 3 months +/- and went back on suboxone 2 weeks ago this upcoming Monday. I will probably stay on it for the rest of my life. I have 2 chronic pain conditions and the sub helps for pain. I am now on 8mg per day normally and I take up to 12mg when I have acute pain. I am getting 38 pills per month and I feel great. I have a lot of work left to do to really become a healthy person and when I was on suboxone the 1st time I didn't focus enough on changing my thought processes, etc.

I really can't even tell you how happy I am that you made it and that you had a good experience. Thank you for coming back and sharing your experience and success with us. It is great to watch that transition in people take place and I hope you will stick around and allow us to be a part of the transitions to come. I am very interested in hearing how your mom reacts to the new you once she experiences the "new you" for a while. I wonder if she will think the prayer worked :) Take care of yourself and enjoy this new freedom.

Cherie


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:49 pm 
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Taylor,
I just registered to become a member here today but wanted to let you know that i have been reading your thread and keeping up to what has been going on with you. I am so happy to hear that your induction to sub went smoothly and you can now begin your life of recovery. I have been on subs for a few months and even though it has not gone as smoothly as I wished, that is not the fault of the sub, just my stupid addict brain still thinking i can do things my way, which of course does NOT work.
Anyway, just wanted to say hello, and also wanted to let you know I also read your other thread of the consequences of using, but did not really have any answers for that, still all pretty new to me, and I'm also having the same problem with my husband, think he may have preferred me using which in the end caused my relapse, although I hesitate to put any blame on him.
So, welcome and I am looking forward to getting to know you and everyone else here better.
thanks for your honesty,
ginger


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 5:58 pm 
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hey taylor, i read it all for a few reasons. you're writing is fine but i always find it interesting to read an addict's story because i can relate to it. i felt your pain and now i feel life. it may sound corny but you're finding out that its true. dont really have much to add other than we're always here for one of our own. stay strong and keep fighting the good fight

kevin


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 6:56 pm 
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Hello Taylor and welcome.....how great it must feel to put all those words out there. I have been in alcohol recovery for 4 years and currently I am on 8mg of Subutex. I have been on this medicine that has saved so many lives for 11 months now. I always held things in and it wasn't until my sponser in AA got me to start writing out my feelings, resentments, things that bothered me. You stood up against the storm and you didn't blow away. You told your story very well and for such a young woman you have lived a thousand years only to be born all over again. I am so happy for you. I remember when my first week of suboxone was over I was like you I wanted to share with everyone but also afraid that this was a special gift just for me......still working on that self serving character defect. I am glad your alive. You are a true miracle.....With all the extra time you have you can now learn to love you again and soon you will be loved. Somehow we all find our way here in our own time......I am 44 yrs old and only wish I was as smart as you and others on this forum that found their way here so soon in life. Either way I am glad we are here for each other to learn...to share...to like...to love...and to live our lives free from the wrath of this disease. Keep us all posted on your remission from this addiction....I have to say I loved the Brittany look........


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 7:12 am 
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I read the whole thing...I guess I do have too much time on my hands...I just moved to a new city to get away from the drugs and am also still looking for a job. I'm glad you updated everyone, I was waiting for this post. There isn't really anything to say but congrats! The Cravings will return, believe me but they wont be as bad. Just keep a busy mind and know in the back of your head even if you decide to use, you want get that feeling anymore. Use this forum as tool! I have only been on it a month and have found it's a very, very effective tool in your path to sobriety! I'm glad you like your doctor as well, my first one was an ass but I got a new one and it's great.

Also, you said you had insurance but if anything goes wrong between you and your parents just know there is a free suboxone program out there. You just have to pay for your doctor's visit then the medication is free. I was suprised to hear what the prices were there in Oklahoma as between the two states I have been on subs (Texas and Arizona) my doctors were only 95 and 100 dollars, without insurance.

I look forward to getting to know you better.

Good luck,
Ryan K. Leddy


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 11:18 pm 
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Thank you sooooo much for all the support you guys!! Reraise I didn't think about it until I read your reply, but you are right it was incredibly weight-lifting to actually write my entire story out on here, i've never done that before. ginger I think it is so cool that people were actually following my story along as it played out and wanted to see me do well, thank you for replying and telling me that, it pushes me all the more. i'm so super excited to do this, and i love love love this forum.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 16, 2010 1:37 am 
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Taylor you are a beautiful writer; you just pull me in to your life and your story. I love your honesty and it was very helpful to read your description of your 'night from hell' as you went through withdrawal from OC. It sounds very much like my experiences trying suboxone, which makes me wonder if I just wasn't deep enough into withdrawal. I did feel pretty wretched, but not vomiting/diarrhea/ thrashing legs, bugs crawling stuff--that all came with the first suboxone dose and just kept getting worse and I hurt for days afterward.

Your sharing gives me hope though. Like Cherie, I too have a couple of pain conditions in addition to whatever other illness is going on in my sweet body (it is the only one I have after all) so maybe suboxone will be the answer for my pain issues too, once we get this sorted out.

You and the others on this forum are a very impressive caring community. I'm glad I landed here among you.

Appreciating you,
Sheila


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