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 Post subject: Understanding a sub user
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 12:10 am 
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Please be patient with me as I explain my situation. My boyfriend is currently on sub. He explained it to me when we had first met, and honestly I did have some reservations about it. But I looked at it as him getting help for his addiction. That's a good thing, right? I asked him if he had anymore issues, and he told me that was it. Ok, fast forward, and here we are, living together. Him, myself, and my two kids. It's now very obvious, that aside from the sub, he's also an alcoholic. He drinks daily, and I don't mean a beer or two, but rather the whole 12 pack. I've noticed that despite his talk of liking to get freaky, I can count the number of times that we've had sex on 1 hand! It's like he just doesn't care about sex now, or maybe just not with me? I dunno. He also gets rather moody and agitated at times, and I often feel like myself and my kids are walking on eggshells. I've learned, that it's best not to even mention my feelings about any of this too him, for fear of making him angry. Are these side effects of the sub? Is the alcohol consumption making it worse? I know I can't change or cure him, but I do want to be of support to him, IF he wants it. How do I approach this, or is it best to just leave and get away while I still can?


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 9:24 am 
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Hi Lilmis,

I'm so glad you found this forum. I think you are definitely going to need some support while you are dealing with this, especially since you aren't really familiar with suboxone.

Here's what I think. Your boyfriend is still in active addiction. Living with an addict is never easy, especially when they are still in the throes of their addiction. Drinking while on suboxone is never a good idea, especially drinking so much every single day. I think most of the things you are describing are due to the alcoholism more than the suboxone, but some of them are being increased due to the suboxone.

It is very common for sex drive to be almost non existent while on any opiate, and suboxone is a very powerful opiate...though it is a partial agonist. But drinking heavily is going to make that particular symptom way worse. I'm not surprized at all to here there's not much going on in the bedroom.
As for the moodiness....yep, that's the alcohol.

I'm sure you are a very good mother, and I have to tell you from experience being a child with a mother living with an alcoholic that this isn't the best environment for your kids. If you were married I would say you owe it to him to be there and help him pull himself out of his addiction. But the fact is you're not. And I really think you owe it to your children to give them a stable environment to grow up in.

Let me guess at some of your daily experiences. You never know what kind of a mood he is going to be in that day. Some days he's happy and loving and fun, others he will be in a bad mood and go off for no reason. You try to do everything you can to make sure that he is happy, and some days it doesn't matter what you or the kids do, he's going to be a crab ass and pick on the most ridiculous things just because he can. On the good days, he tries to make up for the bad ones and will bend over backwards to make you think he will be better. That he's sooooo sorry for how he acted and it will never happen again. Any of this sound familiar?

I'm not saying that he can't get better Lilmiss. But I'm telling you that it's going to be a long road. And it won't be easy for you or your kids.

We will support you whatever your decision, but I had to tell you what I thought. My heart really goes out to you because I know how difficult it is when you love someone and want them to get better. I'm sure that your kids love him too, and they are probably really confused by their feelings. I know when I was a kid dealing with this I was constantly torn. I loved my step dad, but he was really hard to live with, and sometimes I hated him. He would say and do hurtful things, those feelings are very confusing for a child.

Maybe your situation isn't quite this bad, but it can get there quick, fast, and in a hurry if you aren't careful.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I wish you the best of luck.

Q

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 9:35 am 
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The side effects you mentioned aren't a result of his Suboxone use, they're a result of his addiction jumping from opiates to alcohol. His addiction, apparently, hasn't really been addressed. Sure, he's not doing opiates anymore now that he's on Suboxone, but his addictive behaviors are firmly intact. If he's not willing to address his addiction and attempt to get better, you're going to have an extremely tough road ahead of you, as is he.

He really needs to get in with an addiction counselor or even hit some AA or NA meetings.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 4:22 pm 
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I couldn't agree more with Qhorsegal2..


I'm so sorry you're in this situation. If you can remove yourself and your children from the situation until he gets help, it will do everyone a favor. My guess is that he's not going to hear or acknowledge anything until he's faced with the consequences, and if you're already walking on eggshells, it's not wise to confront him about the alcohol. You have to put you and the kids first.

If he were just on suboxone and working a recovery program, I doubt you'd be here posting this. Like others have mentioned, he's traded one thing for another.

We're here if you need anything!


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 6:25 pm 
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QHorsegal2.....you hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what I go through on a daily basis. Never know what he's going to be like. Sometimes he's as loving as can be. Other days, like this morning, EVERYTHING is my fault, I'm being dramatic, etc. He didn't drink at all yesterday, which made me wonder if that's why he was such an ass this morning, or if he was because he was going to see his sub Dr today after work. A friend told me that he's not allowed to drink while on the sub. So he probably didnt want to go in there reeking of beer like he usually does when he wakes up. I'm glad I found this page though. It's reassuring to know that I'm not really imagining this, and that I'm not the one that has the problem. I understand it's the addict's behavior to blame others for their misery, rather than accept the problem head on. I will definitely be back! Thanks!


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 9:16 pm 
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Hi lilmiss and welcome here.

Everyone's opinion was spot on. You need to do what's best for the kids and yourself.

"How do I approach this, or is it best to just leave and get away while I still can?"

Yes.

r

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