It is currently Thu Aug 24, 2017 5:01 am



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 18 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Wed Apr 01, 2015 10:09 pm 
Offline
One Month or More
One Month or More
User avatar

Joined: Mon Mar 02, 2015 1:41 am
Posts: 32
Location: Seattle
I am super bummed to admit after a year of being on suboxone I relapsed one week ago. I started at 16mgs last year, and weaned down to 4mgs as of just recent. I am not sure if that has anything to do with my enthusiasm to take the oxy, but I am sure now that I should stop the idea of a taper plan at this point. I found a 30mg oxy in my jewelry box hidden under some stuff. I didn’t even think about it, I just took it rt away. No contemplating or anything. I was actually excited that I found it. I took a 4mg of sub that morning and took the oxy at about 11pm that night. Yes I did get high, not to the extreme like I would have if my receptors were totally open, but yes, I got high. I waited until I took my suboxone the next night at 11pm so there would be no chance of feeling ill. I did feel pretty low for several days after. I even craved more suboxone the next day, and ever since I have been taking 8mgs. I feel pretty stable at this dose and will stay here for a while. This proves to me that I need to work harder on my sobriety. Yes I have been taking Sub, but obviously that is not enough, esp if I want to get off sub. My goal was to be off next year at this time. I go to therapy every two weeks to discuss problems, and set life goals. I haven’t really taken a serious approach to making sure I don’t go back. Last year when I decided to get help I had hit my rock bottom. I thought that was enough to keep me away from pain pills. How quickly we forget. I joined this site last month to get some ideas and support while I thought about slowly tapering. I am glad I did, and feel it is important that I discuss what happened last week. Thanks
~Sherah


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2015 12:08 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:42 am
Posts: 4141
You are not alone!

Last summer I got a taste of what happens when you don't stay present and mindful! I was visiting my dad's home and I got there while they were out for the evening. Practically before I hit the bathroom (long drive) I was looking through their pill bottles. In a couple of different places I found 7 vicodin. I hid them in my purse.

Then I sat down and thought about what I had just done. Argh! I had started my addiction at my dad's house after my mother died. I realized what I had just done was because my brain was set on autopilot! I wasn't thinking, I just did what came naturally. I was disgusted with myself and ran to put all the pills back before they got home.

I'm sure you were set on autopilot when you automatically gobbled that oxy! It's unfortunate that you felt high, which only tends to reinforce bad behavior. But if this is what it took to prompt you to get more serious about your recovery, then I'm glad it happened. Use this as a learning experience! Be grateful for the reason to get serious!

Amy

_________________
Done is better than perfect!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2015 1:02 pm 
Offline
6 Months or More
6 Months or More

Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2015 6:44 pm
Posts: 294
Location: Southern Ohio
Why are we so "loyal" and so "faithful" to this? lol


Top
 Profile  
 
Our Sponsors
PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2015 4:46 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:42 am
Posts: 4141
Because our brains have been changed by addiction. I know that lots of addicts want to go back to when they were "normal", but it isn't really possible. Those reward pathways in the brain are set. That's why it's so difficult to keep away from our drug of choice.

Amy

_________________
Done is better than perfect!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2015 7:26 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2015 2:05 pm
Posts: 66
Location: US, northwest
Hi Sherah,

Try not to beat yourself up too much. Yes, this experience was an eye opener for you, but it also helped you realize that our daily strength and constant focus on recovery is paramount.

Also, look at the positive side; you didn't go right back to active addiction. You stopped after that one oxy, which takes a lot of strength in itself. yes, you didn't have more oxy readily available, but it would have been possible for you to throw in the towel and seek more oxy and you didn't!

So, please give yourself some well deserved credit for sticking with recovery. Yes, you had a slip-up, but you corrected the situation and are more aware of your recovery and the necessary strength you need to make it through. We all make mistakes, but if you learn from them, then you can turn them into lessons and continue on with recovery. It's a feat all in itself.

Of course, I'm not trying to minimize your situation. I just wanted to encourage you; you are still strong and you will still have a successful recovery. So don't look back, just look forward and know that you won't repeat the same mistakes.

I hope you are feeling better. Stay strong and continue on! You can do it! :)

_________________
-BK


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2015 7:34 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2015 2:05 pm
Posts: 66
Location: US, northwest
Oh and...I made the same mistake in my early days of sub. I was on sub for about a month when a friend dumped a handful of dilaudid in my lap. Literally.

So of course, I gobbled them up within a couple of days. I too was ashamed and really angry with myself. But I realized that I had failed the test and just tried to focus on moving forward and kept telling myself NO MORE of my
DOC.

So, you are not alone. As addicts, we make mistakes and have to pick ourselves up, realize the severity of the situation (which you've already done), and focus on even more strength and determination.

_________________
-BK


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2015 11:04 pm 
Offline
Super Poster
Super Poster

Joined: Wed Mar 18, 2015 6:46 pm
Posts: 167
Location: Alabama
Please understand that I am not criticizing anyone or this site, but there does seem to be more of an emphasis on tapering and quitting Suboxone...it has it's own thread, but what about "Being Stable on Suboxone"? I truly appreciate this site and all the contributors, and especially the dedicated Admins/Moderators. We just need to be careful that we don't subconsciously communicate "the need" to get off Suboxone, or that you're not really "well" while you're taking it...some will take it for life, but they will live a long and productive life because they are taking it.

OK, stepping down from the soapbox now. :D


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2015 11:36 am 
Offline
6 Months or More
6 Months or More

Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2015 6:44 pm
Posts: 294
Location: Southern Ohio
Hi Sherah,
It kinda seems I turned the topic a little by asking the question above.
(That should have it's own thread)
Sorry, I'm kind of new to posting and didn't mean to step on your toes.
The topic was about "personal" stories of relapse, I originally had one to tell,
but decided it was to "personal" to share. lol
Please everyone, Tell a story and I might tell mine!
Sorry guys and gals!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2015 12:13 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:42 am
Posts: 4141
Hi Morphing. We have a forum called Bupe for Life for that very reason. And there are plenty of people here who are happily on bupe and intend to remain so. But those members who aren't having a problem often don't post because they are just living their lives.

When people are looking for help they often come here with questions. There are a lot of outside forces giving addicts the message that they are not "clean and sober" if they are on a maintenance drug. That is not the message we give here though. In fact if someone has that view and wants to debate it, the only place they can do that is in our freestyle section, otherwise they get shut down by a mod.

Amy

_________________
Done is better than perfect!


Top
 Profile  
 
   
PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2015 10:54 pm 
Offline
Super Poster
Super Poster

Joined: Wed Mar 18, 2015 6:46 pm
Posts: 167
Location: Alabama
Thanks Amy. I guess I was just trying to emphasize especially to Serah that one doesn't necessarily have to taper and quit to be successful.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2015 11:35 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:42 am
Posts: 4141
Morphing wrote:
Thanks Amy. I guess I was just trying to emphasize especially to Serah that one doesn't necessarily have to taper and quit to be successful.


I agree 100%!

Amy

_________________
Done is better than perfect!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Apr 04, 2015 4:40 pm 
Offline
One Month or More
One Month or More
User avatar

Joined: Mon Mar 02, 2015 1:41 am
Posts: 32
Location: Seattle
Hi All,
Thanks so much for sharing! I have not been hard on myself at all about the relapse. I discussed it with my Doctor and actually up'ed my dose.
I am happy to admit I have not been seeking since the fall either. I think that suboxone is mostly responsible for that. In the past (pre sub days) I certainly would've spent my grocery money by now seeking more oxy. I feel like the sub prevents me from craving more. What a great insurance policy that is. I am so lucky to have found this board too because I feel the need to be held accountable, actually that is the only way I do well in life.
Morphing I agree with what you say, that one doesn't necessarily have to taper and quit to be successful. I personally feel the need to be off of it one day. Maybe I will be able to do that, maybe I won't. When I joined the site a month ago, I wanted to find a place that I could network and share support during my taper process. It looks like I won't be tapering any time soon now. I want to be in a place where I can find an oxy and not take it. I want to be in a place where I can just flush it in confidence. Who knows one day at a time right? I can say that I feel some what successful right now. The rent is paid and I am oxy free! :)
Amy, Bad Kitty, sharing your stories was helpful to me and brave to put it out there. Thank you!
happyg1961 I liked your question. When Amy replied to you I got to learn a little about the brain.
All is well in Sherah world. Wishing you the same!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Apr 04, 2015 4:58 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2015 2:05 pm
Posts: 66
Location: US, northwest
HI Sherah,

I'm so glad you are doing well. You have the right attitude and there's nothing wrong with staying on sub. I'm happy to hear that you are moving on and feel good about it.

I hope you continue to feel well and are happy! Way to go on staying with sub/your recovery. You have the right attitude and seem to be very aware of your addiction/issues with temptation. I really commend you for it, as we all struggle with this and you are not alone. :)

_________________
-BK


Top
 Profile  
 
   
PostPosted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 10:16 am 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Sat Mar 28, 2015 12:49 pm
Posts: 18
I just relapsed. And have urine test on Monday morning. I'm terrified that he will kick me off. I don't know why I even did these pills - I was doing really well. And then whatever excuse I can throw in here - and back to square 1 and anxiety on top of it. Chances of me passing the test are slim, so I'm assuming I just have to tell him straight up? Or.... Wait and see if it comes positive? I also have to wait 24 hours now to take my Sub again?! Ugh.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 11:06 am 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2014 10:48 pm
Posts: 1317
Welcome back FMK,
I dont know about your dr, but with mine and many others the surest way to get the boot ks to not be honest with them.
Most drs do not have a one and done policy, hope yours will understand. Will ne/she?

Ok, so its happened. In sure you have learned something from this. Maybe you need a increase in dosage certainly not less or none..

Yes the doc may be upset, but how will you answer him when he asks why?

Although it is Thursday, Monday is a loug way off. Not know just how much you have taken, it could be possible the drug could out of your system by monday. Not sure Id risk it though.

It ll be ok, you have sub, reinduct when moderate wd comes and you will be back on track. .my 2 cents

Razor


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 12:28 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Mar 08, 2013 1:02 pm
Posts: 1342
Location: West Tennessee
Hey Sherah,

I know this post is several days old now, but I've been away from the forum for a few weeks. I just wanted to add my support to your posts. Stories like this are probably more common than we realize because I would bet that the majority of those who have these small slips don't ever admit to it. It's really hard to come here sometimes and admit when we are struggling, or have screwed up. But, it is a part of the process. This is why I worry so much about the large volume of tapering threads we have here. It's so easy to become complacent in our recovery and lose focus on how important it is to stay vigilant against relapse. Being on suboxone can create a false sense of well being, and a feeling of invincibility because it works so well. It's very easy to convince ourselves that we are "better" and begin to believe that if we can just get through the physical dependence to the subs we will be able to go back to living life just like we did before we became addicts. Before anyone gets upset with me, let me clarify that I'm not implying that we can't get off suboxone and live a drug-free life. Just that we have to keep in mind that we will FOREVER have to be on guard and work a recovery program of some kind to ensure our success. This disease doesn't just go away, as much as I wish it would.

The good news is that we don't have to be defined by our mistakes! You slipped up, but you did the right thing by re-focusing on your recovery and doing what you had to do to get your cravings under control. Moving forward you will have a new sense of respect for the dangers of tapering, and you can put a plan in place to prevent it from happening again.

I had a similar experience awhile back. I was picking up a pizza in Pizza Hut and when I went to pay for my food my foot kicked something and I heard the sound of a pill skidding across the floor. When I looked down I knew immediately what it was, and my brain went straight back into addict mode. I waited until the worker turned her back and discreetly picked up the pill and stuck it in my pocket. There was no thought process behind the action, I just did it. Thankfully I didn't take it right away, and I was able to come to my senses on the drive home and tossed it out the window. But, it was a very close call and it scared the crap out of me. I didn't mention it to anybody until months later. Although I was proud of myself for not taking it, I was really ashamed that I had picked it up to begin with, and the shame outweighed the pride I felt for overcoming the temptation.

We need more transparency about these kinds of issues here. It is just so easy to get into the pattern of supporting people and encouraging them to be successful with their tapers because we do want all of our members to be successful with that if it's what they want. It's much harder to come here and start these threads that talk about our failures and our struggles. But, it's an honest part of the process and one that we need to talk about openly so that others will see they aren't the only ones who are struggling.

Thanks for posting this Sherah!

Q

_________________
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 3:08 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:42 am
Posts: 4141
FMK, I'm sorry that you slipped and have to confront what you did with your doctor. That's never a comfortable feeling. But I hope that this experience helps you in your overall recovery. We have to use every opportunity we come across to learn and grow. Remember the definition of addiction: A chronic brain disorder characterized by relapse. And that's just the short, uncomplicated version! My hope is that your doctor recognizes that addiction makes it likely that you will make mistakes. My sub doctor says that he won't release us if we fail a UA, but encourages us to tell him before we even take the UA. I sincerely hope that your honesty will be rewarded. Also, if you aren't currently seeing an addiction therapist, make an appointment with one before you go to your Monday appointment with your doctor. If you already have one, make sure that you schedule an earlier appointment with your therapist. Tell your doctor that you've done this to impress upon him how serious you take your slip. I think that sub doctors are always happier when they see their patients being proactive about their recoveries.

Q, thank you so much for sharing your story! Do you see the similarities in many of our stories? The availability of our doc puts us into a mindless state where the pleasure/reward cycle in our brains kick in, and our ability to say STOP! is impeded by the addicted brain. The same brain chemistry that rewards us when we engage in addictive behavior also makes it harder to access the part of our brain that halts behavior with negative consequences. The fact that you were able to "come to" before you gobbled that pill is a credit to suboxone (since we won't feel our drug of choice if we take it), and it's a credit to your efforts in recovery! You could have held onto that pill and waited until you were in a withdrawal state to take it. But you didn't!!! That is all YOU!

Telling these stories and finding the patterns and similarities is important!! It assures us that we are not the only one struggling. And it may provide a path toward a strategy that we can all benefit from in these situations!

Amy

_________________
Done is better than perfect!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 4:29 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Thu Dec 26, 2013 9:11 pm
Posts: 13
I use to relaspe sooo many times my first year it's not even funny, as in every month. Would go get 20 something Oxy 30s' and bang and snort away. For the past 7 months or so I have been doing okay. I relasped in November with IV'ing 100mg Morphines(had gotten 10 of them) Then in Decemember with only with just like 8 30's. Then after that I've been doing REALLY good staying away from opiates, but someone called with some fent Patches so I had two days with though's(not the gel kind, kind ya chew) then just Sunday night I snorted 60mg of Oxy, and yesterday I snorted 60mg of Oxy and Iv'd another 60mg a few hours later, lost 4 of those Oxys also, which just pissed me off cuz they were suppose to be for today and they are not cheap!! So I almost went and got some more but decided to save my cash and I started back on my Subs today.
Since being on Subs I've had a problem with relasping, though I have never shared this with my doctor, but recently I have been doing really good(minus the fent and oxys...) I'm not going out once a month to take a three day vacation and stuff like that. Part of the problem is I haven't seperated myself from people I know I need to...I never want to be a pin cushion agian, but for those of us who have been there know it's easier said than done...


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 18 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
cron
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group