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 Post subject: TWO YEARS!!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 10:02 am 
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Hello Everyone:

I was looking at my Flexible Spending Account balance because on Monday we have a meeting at my office about our insurance and I wanted to try to figure out how much money I should put in the account for medical expenses when I happened to find the date of my first suboxone prescription: 12/10/2008

Now, I know what you're thinking: It's not 12/10/2010 yet 8) But here's the deal....I attend a private substance abuse therapy group that my personal substance abuse therapist runs in his office. We're a pretty tight little group. And it is in that group that I first heard about suboxone. Well, one night, I was at group and I was in pretty bad withdrawal from my latest run with a few hundred Oxycontin :roll: when one of the guys in the group says to me, "hey man, why don't you give this suboxone a try, it will definitely make you feel a lot better" and he hands me four 8mg tabs. He says, "take one of these now, just let it dissolve under your tongue. Wait a couple of hours, if you don't fee better take another one."

So, at that point, I was desperate. And I am almost positive that it was the 4th of December 2008 because I remember that I decided the next day (after the suboxone made me feel incredible!) that I needed to find a doctor, and I remember stressing out because it took me about 5 days to find a doctor who could prescribe it.

What a journey it's been! My original intent was to get off suboxone. So, over the course of about a year I tapered down from 16mg all the way down to 1mg, but at about the 2mg per day point, I remember that I started having symptoms of depression. My therapist thought maybe I should get on some antidepressants, but I didn't really warm to the idea of taking yet another pill (I already take 8 prescription medications each day for a range of medical issues, none for emotional issues, though). At this time, I was having some pretty strong cravings to use. In fact, I made a phone call to someone who I used to get Oxycontin from and she told me she had PLENTY and I could come over whenever I wanted to get them.

I was at a crossroads. I was sitting there, mentally romanticizing the whole experience of driving to her house, having a beer with her (this was a tradition at my dealer's house) then doing the transaction and looking forward to how high I was going to get and............BOOM! I had this moment of clarity. An epiphany. I realized that I was in the middle of a relapse and that if I went down this path again, I might not make it back. I literally RAN into my bathroom and grabbed my prescription bottle of suboxone. There were about six 2mg tablets, all cut in half, since I was only taking 1mg daily. I popped 4 of them under my tongue and sat down on the couch.

The relief that came, within about 20 minutes, was breathtaking. The depression was gone, the desire to use was gone, my entire outlook changed and I realized right then and there that while I certainly COULD get off suboxone and tough it out, why in the world would I get off it? I've got a 30+ year history of heavy, constant opiate abuse. Even in prison I found ways to get and use opiates. Why would I want to stop taking a medication that completely removes the desire for me to use opiates? To prove something? To whom? It was at this moment that I came to the realization that I am likely going to be staying on this medicine for a long time. I won't say "the rest of my life" because we never know what life may bring us, do we? But I will say "indefinitely" because right now I have absolutely NO reason of any kind to ever get off this medicine.

Since I found my doctor and started taking suboxone, my life has improved in countless ways. Some of them are very big and some may seem quite insignificant to others. First and foremost, I am no longer lying, stealing, conning, conniving, and otherwise scamming everyone around me to get and use drugs. Living a life with no big secrets is extremely liberating.

When my wife looks into my eyes, I see love. When I was using I saw fear, anger, resentment, desperation. Now I see love, and respect, and admiration.

When I am around my family I can actually enjoy being with them, and not be just getting through the visit so that they can leave and I can get high again. It's nice to enjoy my family again.

When I go to work I put in an honest, thorough and professional days worth of effort, and I do better work now than I've ever done while under the influence of drugs, although for the longest time I thought I "needed" drugs to be creative and inspired at my job.

Instead of always trying to find drugs and instead of always thinking of me, me, me......I actually do things for other people now. And it feels great! It's nice to not be so wound up in myself and to help others who may be in need. Even little things.....

But most of all, when I get up in the morning and I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth and shave, I can actually look the guy in the mirror right in the eye. That is something I was unable to do for a long, long time.

So, now I have been living this life for two years. And these past two years have been two of the best years of my entire life. Everything is going in the right direction. My career is very much on track, my job is very secure, my wife and I are closer today than we've ever been and we'll be celebrating ten years of marriage on Christmas Eve.

I know that there are people out there who have not registered an account on this forum, who are perhaps actively using drugs but wondering if this suboxone thing is for real. You're wondering if it might work for you. Well, all I can tell you is, it worked for me, in a big way. And I was doing a TON of drugs when I started on the suboxone. This medication works. It's not a "cure" and you have to do some legwork too, because if you don't deal with the WHY part of your drug use, you're probably just going to be miserable and on suboxone, but if you really want to quit using drugs and deal with the issues that lead you to use drugs in the first place, this is a tremendous tool to help you do that. Why not give it a try?


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 10:28 am 
CONGRATS on 2 yrs.... and it will get better. No need to rush off the medicine... I would suggest to be sure your ready and have a very strong support in place already. Sub was a big part of my recovery.. Gave me time to create a new life.

Hang in there......


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 10:31 am 
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Junkie, I am so, so PROUD of you! Just as I'm sure you are proud of yourself - and you deserve to be. Your two year mark is a great opportunity for you to look back and see what you've accomplished. And from the looks of it, you turned your life around completely. How great is that?

So congrats on your two years. And keep up the good work. Everything you've done and all you say to people on this forum every day is inspirational for us. So be proud, pat yourself on the back...And keep looking that guy in the mirror in the eye. YAY YOU!

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 1:23 pm 
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Junkie,

What an awesome post! You have made huge strides and I too believe that suboxone was an incredible help to you. I also agree wholeheartedly about us having to do some of the legwork, very important point you make there.

Congratulations and keep kickin' butt, man.


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 Post subject: Important dates....
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:10 pm 
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Some dates you just don't forget, I first tasted Suboxone 10/7/09... Took an 8mg tab at 5 o'clock in the evening , threw up ALL night, did not sleep for 3 days, finally stabilized on 4mg... Ahhhh the good times....


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 8:29 am 
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hatmaker510 wrote:
Junkie, I am so, so PROUD of you! Just as I'm sure you are proud of yourself - and you deserve to be. Your two year mark is a great opportunity for you to look back and see what you've accomplished. And from the looks of it, you turned your life around completely. How great is that?

So congrats on your two years. And keep up the good work. Everything you've done and all you say to people on this forum every day is inspirational for us. So be proud, pat yourself on the back...And keep looking that guy in the mirror in the eye. YAY YOU!


If I'm not mistaken you have an important date approaching as well, don't you? :wink:


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 9:25 am 
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Yes, you are correct. My 2 years is this week, too. But I didn't want to take away from your thread. I may post another thread myself. Thanks for remembering. :D

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 10:07 am 
Junkie, that post was truly inspiring. I wish that when someone new googled "Suboxone" they could get that as a search result, instead of all the BS misinformation that's out there. It get's to the heart of how sub, used as a tool, doesn't cure us, but can change our lives.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 11:43 am 
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Great story, Junkie! There's a lot of lessons within it. I shudder each time I hear someone setting time limits on their treatment or rushing to get off, reduce their dose, etc. I believe we all have a finite number of chances to get sober....none of us know which relapse will be our last. Its a game of Russian roulette I cannot afford to play!


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 Post subject: Congrats!!!!
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 12:24 pm 
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Junkie - Congrats on your two years and what a great story! This really hit me with the trust issue. Rebuilding trust takes a long time but it can be done.

Thanks - SuperBuper


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 11:07 pm 
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Thanks for writing this. I could relate to alot of what you said. I myself have thought about being on suboxone for the rest of my life. Why not Im not going to ever not be an addict. It will be with me forever. I have tryed it my way for 20yrs. Then suboxone came along. Something that not only helped me not use but helped with my depression. With the help of group and dealing with a new way of life not can stand in my way. Wishing you many more yrs of happiness. Congrats on the 2 yrs that awesome.

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 Post subject: excellent
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 11:30 pm 
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I can so relate to that story besides my length of opiate use was about fifteen years. Great story. I did something similar to you i went down from three pills a day to one mg a day then started breaking those down slowly into smaller pieces. The thing that happened was once the pieces got to nerd (candy) size or smaller they were like taking a percocet 10 and were lasting about six hours. So then i knew i could stop any time i wanted to. So i did and it went fine no sickness(grumpy for a week maybe).but then after about four months of being clean of opiates the first time in sixteen years my leg and heel and some other pain came back so since im a single dad with no mother in the picture i decided that suboxone would be better to get on than ppills because they helped with my lazyness and mild depression like nothing ever had before. So im about six months back on the sub and wanted to say you h :D ad a great story to make a long story short. Lol. Take care man


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