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PostPosted: Thu Mar 13, 2014 5:46 pm 
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Okay, Okay, I'm not going to get into my past with drugs. I use drugs because I'm an addict. No other reason. I've known that for over 8 years, when I was sober for over 3 years. Seriously, those 3 years were the most amazing years of my life. After I detoxed from shooting dope, I entered treatment for a long time. I went to a 30 day rehab, another 2 month rehab after that, a half-way house for 5 months, then to a Sober House for 6 months. After that, I moved in with a sober friend, Joined the military, became a Firefighter, Fell in love and married him, and had the most beautiful son in the world.
After I had my son (c-section) I MADE THE DECISION TO TAKE THE PAIN MEDS. For a long time, I blamed the c-section on my relapse. But I know in my heart, I could have gotten through it Sober. Anyway, from that day on, I've been abusing pain pills everyday. I tried to detox at home, but I wasn't strong enough. I had an infant to take care of, which was another excuse. I went to a local Dr. and started taking Suboxone films. At first, I loved it. It took away the obsession for drugs, and at the same time, I wasn't high. No coming down from being high and being a complete b*tch to my husband. I went from taking three 8mg films a day to taking TWO a day. I was on that for about a year when I decided to stop cold turkey. ( My first post). I was doing okay, but by day 12 I had had enough and went back to the doctor for more Suboxone. I was defeated.
The crazy thing, with having the 3 years sober, is that I never really enjoyed drugs again. I often think back to the first month of that time and remember the way the world looked. It was beautiful. The trees were greener than I ever remembered, the sky more blue, the flowers more fragrant, and people were actually interesting. The world had become this amazing place for me to enjoy. I'm not religious in any way, but what I'm about to say might make you annoyed and nauseated. I began going to AA meetings. I found GOD in those meetings. I used to hate the word GOD and struggled for a long time to even use that term. I don't try to figure out what GOD is or why. To me, its nature. Maybe even my internal conscience. But what was real was the way I felt. I would mentally communicate with this GOD and listen to my conscience (my internal monologue) everyday, and it filled that void inside of me. Never a craving, never feeling depressed, and never feeling alone. It was awesome.
Anyway, when I went back to the DOC for the Suboxone, I managed to taper down to .5mg and took my last dose 5 days ago. I was on the Suboxone (the second time) for 7 months. The last month I tapered pretty quickly and was already feeling withdrawals a week before my last dose. DAY 1 sucked. DAY 2 sucked. DAY 3 really sucked with the Restless Legs. And since then………it sucks. But not as bad as before when i jumped from 16mg. I been taking 1 imodium everyday because……..I have the runs. But its better than having to use an enema every time i want to pinch a loaf. I don't miss enemas in the slightest. I'm not sleeping that great, but sleeping better than I did in Boot Camp. I'm tired, moody, and unmotivated. But not as tired, moody, and unmotivated when I was abusing drugs.
So, I guess you could say I'm doing okay. My mental outlook at the moment is as follows: The restless legs, diarrhea, being tired, moody, and lack of motivation are temporary. I'm not taking my depression too seriously and I'm not laying around thinking about each body part that is uncomfortable like I did last time. I hope to start communicating with GOD (there's that uncomfortable word again) soon. I'm forcing myself to engage with other people because it takes my mind off of myself. And as addicts, we are very self absorbed and selfish. We think about ourselves and how we are feeling ALL THE TIME. I'm trying to think about others and how they are feeling, because in return it makes me feel better. ( i guess that is kinda selfish too, but whatever.) I'm not in any situation to give advice, but I'm going to do it anyway. So here we go……. If you decide to get clean & sober, stop thinking about yourself and do something nice for somebody in your life. If you don't have anyone close, bake your neighbor a cake, even if its the last thing you want to do. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER!!!!!!!!!! We have manipulated, hurt, and took advantage of people our whole drugged-out lives. It's time to start giving back in some way, without expecting something in return ( except maybe a smile). As far as all our broken relationships, people we hurt, guilt of our actions, and bridges we burnt……….It will get better. We can make it up to them in time as long as we are ACTIVELY trying to be a better person. Okay, I'm done with the advice. I didn't mean to preach.
I hope that this is the last time I ever go through detox. I hope I can change these negative things inside of me and be the person I know I'm suppose to be. I want to be a better wife, a loving mother, and a trustworthy friend again. It's not going to happen overnight, like I want I want it to, but I'm willing to give it time.
Thank y'all for every post written. It has helped me so much. More than you'll ever know. I need all the help in the world this time. I just hope I can stay open minded.

Andrea

P.S.- Did I mention that I don't miss enemas?


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 13, 2014 7:29 pm 
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Hi Andrea,

I really liked your insightful post. And you are correct in saying that being sober ruins getting high ever again. Way too much guilt inside after knowing ourselves better through the 12 steps.

Unfortunately, I have not been where you are now. All I can offer is support and a pat on the back for doing what you think is right. We have a lot of others here who have kicked Sub and will hopefully chime in when they have time.

And why may I ask, did you perform enema's? All it takes is large doses of fiber to keep the pipes clean and happy. A doctor many years ago told me to take 5 times the amount of Metamucil than suggested. It worked like a charm.

Hang in there, it will get better eventually. The process is slow, but you'll get there.

Welcome back to the forum!

rule

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 13, 2014 8:08 pm 
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rule62 wrote:
Hi Andrea,

I really liked your insightful post. And you are correct in saying that being sober ruins getting high ever again. Way too much guilt inside after knowing ourselves better through the 12 steps.

Unfortunately, I have not been where you are now. All I can offer is support and a pat on the back for doing what you think is right. We have a lot of others here who have kicked Sub and will hopefully chime in when they have time.

And why may I ask, did you perform enema's? All it takes is large doses of fiber to keep the pipes clean and happy. A doctor many years ago told me to take 5 times the amount of Metamucil than suggested. It worked like a charm.

Hang in there, it will get better eventually. The process is slow, but you'll get there.

Welcome back to the forum!

rule


Thank you for replying to my topic. I am literally laughing about your enema question. When I was on Suboxone, I was ridiculously constipated. It was so bad that I went 9 days with no pooping when I first started Subs, and didn't even realize it. I'm naturally constipated sans drugs and became much worse on the Suboxone. Crazy. The only thing that worked were enemas. tried everything else.

But, besides all the Enema talk, thank you for your encouragement and positive response.

Andrea


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 9:38 pm 
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Best of Luck Andrea!!!


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2014 1:15 pm 
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Andrea,

I just want to say Thank you for posting this!!! I think you are doing a wonderful job! I know how hard it is... I am trying to kick this now because I would like to move forward with my life and possibly have another child. I feel like I've had a lot of issues the longer I've been on suboxone. Of course this is just my experience. I feel like I've already wasted so many years. I was a marine corps wife.. Well ex wife now lol! I know that is a tough life.. If you can do that though you can do this again!!! GOD is not so scary to me, being without him is more scary and the whole time I've been on something my relationship with him has depleted terribly.. I am ashamed. I have never done the twelve steps.. I am sorta a loner but I do like this board. This is alot more in my comfort zone. I wish you the very best of luck for you and your family!!!!


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 10, 2014 11:13 am 
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Andrea, thank you for sharing your story! I'm on day four of starting suboxone so my journey is just beginning, but I could totally relate to the "selfish" part. Everything I've done in my years as an addict were about me me me and oh yes ME! I was telling my hubby last night that I wanted to start focusing on HIM now and figuring out what makes him happy. He kept saying the only thing I want that would make me happy is to see you healthy! Ahhh hard to hear that. It was literally a back and forth no I want you to be happy, no you, no you. I think he's been so conditioned to worry about me, he doesn't even think of himself. :( So now I need to set out to change that somehow!

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