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 Post subject: My Truth
PostPosted: Sun Nov 10, 2013 2:19 pm 
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Ok, so I felt drawn to coming back here after a weak of absence, and with almost sudden alarm I realize that SUBliminally I am still craving the opiates, hence my return. Of course My Truth is, they're whispering promises to me all day long, so I take one decision at a time. At least they aren't SCREAMING anymore.

I hope My Truth can help someone else, I relate to almost each posting I read here, can't help but want to...help. Well, three 'helps' in a sentence, mental note here to analyze that later. So interjecting humor into this new/old existence has become good medicine for me, my wife, and our home. My bike is even running better!

Get up! So Tuesday I took the day to go finish a HUGE portion of a tribal tattoo I started long ago. Enjoyed going in for an appointment on a day they are closed(no interruptions=more ink laid down), great conversation, and the over the top ENDORPHINS! I joke not when I say I walked out of there four hours later higher than a Georgia pine. I could only chuckle when while getting dressed he said "Bro, there aren't many that can sit/lay what you just did without asking for a break", LOL. I didn't think he'd believe me telling him My Truth, IT FELT GREAT, so I nodded to his approval with the same Joker looking cheesy grin I rode with the next few hours. If you were wondering whether getting a tattoo was a good idea when in WD, I say yes, go support your local biker!

Music, it's been a constant in my life, from my earliest memories of Mom teaching us the stroll to some 50's sock hop/be bop tunes(not my gig anymore unless I am at the local cheeseburger joint), to my Dad loading the reel to reel(can smell that tape right now, cool)for an all day event of cranking everything from Joe Cocker, Jefferson Airplane, BB King, Led Zeppelin, you get the idea. What music has done lately is incredible. I'm not surprised that music has helped me, I think we all discover the amazing ability for music to take us away, to affect our feelings, or find comfort/inspiration/affirmation/love/recovery, ok ANYTHING we feel at any particular moment in life. Proof is how we connect/recall a certain song to some profound moment in time YEARS back. So, I've been USING it to help me with My Truth, but I watched something happen I didn't expect(somehow) and the effects of such. I feel and see US, MY WIFE AND I finally free, breaking out of this damned jail, twisting the throttle of life, leaning into another corner, putting that sun on our faces and the wind in our hair, thundering toward an unknown destination, enjoying the road we're on NOW/THEN/WHEREVER! This has to be a metaphor about the journey not the destination? Of course I see the singular help this journey has been for my best friend, I've seen her happy with....SELF! Her new Truth, who can say, what I am certain of is that it's been incredibly therapeutic for more than just me? So if you have been considering whether to head out to your local used record/cd store, by all means go support your local biker.


Communication, AKA debriefing. I have let crap out of my head that has been there for 40 plus years, or a millisecond, doesn't matter it's out now so let's talk! This has been another important part of me staying clean, I'm not livin the lie, holdin it in, or suppressing something that shouldn't be there. My Truth is out, it no longer has the same power over me, and that is sweet. Being full disclosure like I am, there is a down side to this. We normally have some type of capacitor between thought process and verbalization, well it seems that WD's have an unintended consequence of having those three things not working in the way they should. If you find yourself shaking your head, confused with the shock you see from the people/person staring back, you just threw down a verbal turd. And it stinks. It's ok, it was in there and needed to come on out, don't be ashamed.....that was the only thing that comforted me in my time of great need. But if you were wondering where or with whom you could 'let it out', don't call your local biker!

Hey, 21 days in and I am still clean, thank God! Got a ton to wrench on, but I am lovin the prospect of this road right now. Thank everyone here, this can make a big difference in your recovery. I'm appreciative.


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 Post subject: Re: My Truth
PostPosted: Sun Nov 10, 2013 4:47 pm 
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I had powerful cravings for the first two months after coming off subs. They were so bad that I slipped and picked up a handful of times for very brief periods. The cravings have finally disappeared completely. I got off subs in June and my last slip with Percocet was beginning of September. Just wait it out a few months and I'm sure they will lift. I do still get random thoughts, not cravings, just thoughts about using, but as soon as I think about being dope sick again, those thoughts quickly pass.


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 Post subject: Re: My Truth
PostPosted: Sun Nov 10, 2013 5:32 pm 
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I loved reading Your Truth! You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned how important honesty is in the recovery equation. It's interesting that you have found yourself without much of a filter between what you think and what you say during WD. That means that you've let down your defenses. I think that is a very good thing. Being vulnerable yields support from others who can empathize.

I wish you the best in your next 21 days and beyond!

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: My Truth
PostPosted: Sun Nov 10, 2013 10:59 pm 
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Thanks Amy, this is good to hear, my recovery is everything to me. The sleep pattern issues are the worst thing, still. I have been unable to get more than 4 hours for a couple nights, and then a 6 that gives me hope, then another cycle, again. Sadistic Groundhog Day, over and over..

I am a super patient man, and yet I find myself with a not so righteous attitude, and increasingly curt. I have Clonidine but didn't want to have a problem coming off those, so only the last 2 nights have I had any(a half), and yet snagged only 4 hours of sleep. I am worn out. Maybe try a whole?

Busy all day long, haven't worked out though in weeks, maybe I have to force myself through a few of those.

Livin, appreciate the being real, so refreshing here. I know if I slip up once, I start all over, so I keep my minds eye on that sickness I never want to go through again. Three weeks and I am still feeling/thinking about that old friend, the pull this drug has on humans is wicked, I can't yell loud enough 'DONT EVER TRY THAT SHIT'. Thanks again.


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 Post subject: Re: My Truth
PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2013 1:23 am 
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I have a suggestion for you regarding your use of clonidine. It is to strike a balance between not developing a dependence on clonidine, (and frankly, I don't know that clonidine causes dependence), and get enough sleep to keep yourself calm and resistive to irritability. In furtherance of that goal, why don't you take a full dose of clonidine every third night? That should keep you from becoming dependent, but give you a restful night to look forward to.

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: My Truth
PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2013 8:41 am 
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TRULY, this forum has been a blessing! Took a whole last night, woke up at the same 3am BUT, laid back down and slept until 7! That's somewhere near 8 hours and the difference is nothing short of incredible.

Thanks Amy.


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 Post subject: Re: My Truth
PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2013 10:35 am 
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Love your post, RYD2L1V!! Your Truth is something you may want to come back and read from time to time.

I had to laugh at your comment about your filter between your brain and your mouth being off. Mine's been stuck in the off position most of my life, get's me in heaps of trouble fairly regularly. LOL

Be careful with the short temper. I went through a period that lasted maybe a few weeks where I'd go from mildly pissed off to RAGE in no time flat. I remember one night helping my daughter with homework, she wasn't understanding her math and I lost my temper. I ended up yelling at her at the top of my lungs and boy oh boy do I wish I had that moment in time back. The hurt I inflicted on her by yelling at her haunts me to this day. Just try to be mindful of your emotions and remove yourself from the situation if it's getting to be too much for you to handle.

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 Post subject: Re: My Truth
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 9:04 am 
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Good job! Sounds like you're having a great transition. We will always miss the memories of being messed up, that's the burden to carry and it's up to is to replace those old, bad memories and make new memories to replace them.

Sounds like it's turning out all right for you, like when we were babies and got our first shots? screaming our heads off thinking this is the worst thing ever but afterwards our parents were like there there, it wasn't so bad

I just jumped off 8mgs 30 hours ago. So far so good.

Keep up the good work! I'll check back later


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 Post subject: Re: My Truth
PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2013 5:31 am 
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Sarge, thanks for the insight, all so true.

I think the odd thing is with this drug is that, at least for me, I was able to function at a very high level for many years. Now I am nearly four weeks in and I am having some real issues. Waking at 3 am for the last couple weeks has sucked, even tried Clonidine but no help.

Hope you are well. Would like to hear how you are doing after jumping from 8?

Let me know.


***When life throws you a curve, lean into it***


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 Post subject: Re: My Truth
PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2013 12:32 pm 
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It's a very hard medicine to not be dependent on but as we are all attempting recovering addicts we have to keep one thing in mind... The first time we took tha first pill it was like the most amazing fireworks we have ever seen, and now that we are not taking them anymore the night sky is just dull and empty. It's learning how to live a new life in the new empty night sky and filling it with natural, enjoyable fireworks of our own.

I jumped off back in February from 18mgs and I only lasted two weeks before I was back at the doctor. The sleep was the worst and I was more of a zombie than a human.

Have you tried going for a walk during the day time or even as something as simple as walking on a treadmill? If the body is exercised enough it will goto bed no matter how fast our brains are running at night.

I just posted a update on how yesterday went and how I'm doing so far this morning and so far it's not so bad. I keep telling myself as long as I can keep putting one foot in front of the other then I'm making forward progress, and there's nothing better than forward progress even if you're taking baby steps.

Keep up the good work and always remember mind over matter, if you don't mind than it don't matter!


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