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PostPosted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:44 pm 
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Thank you so much Amy and QHorsegal! You guys are both awesome! :D

Hugs,
Karen xoxo :D


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:09 pm 
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Hey Guys,

Quick update on day 31 since the last dose of subs! I continue to have no symptoms and certain I won't at this point in the process. I'm sure this is plenty of time for any to show if they were going to. I am doing great and feel awesome! :D Baby issues of course and eating habits have gone berserk like most others have and do. I find myself wanting the craziest foods now, and lots of it too! Funny stuff! :D

Big Smile Time :D as I have felt the baby move three times now! I have to tell you it's one of the most exciting and emotional things that have ever happened to me! It's amazing to know I have a little life inside that soon will change my own life forever!

I felt a "twinge" the other day and thought it was more belly issues. It happened again and I realized it was that little squirt letting me know he/she was saying hello mommy! :D

My BF and I were watching TV last night and it happened again and he felt it then. Talk about an emotional man! Wow....he had tears in his eyes, but so did I soon as I saw his!!! :D

We find out the baby's sex in about 3 weeks and that will be the most emotional time ever I imagine. Counting downs the days for that big event! And the wedding is 5 short weeks from this coming Saturday! Getting here quick as the days fly by.

All for now and I hope all the new Mommy's to be here are doing well also, along with everyone else! I'll update again later as times get closer! Have a great day and evening everyone!

Karen xoxo


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 12:29 am 
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Just wanted to say congrats. I was in mid stopping when you were just talking about stopping and as such you were one of the many people I followed. Enjoy your new improved life:)


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:12 am 
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Hello DBMB,

Thank you so much for stopping by and the kind words. I really do appreciate it and hope I was able to offer you some insight and a small amount of help through the many responses I received from such wonderful members. The advice, suggestions, and support I received helped not only myself, but so many other people and for that I am truly thankful to all of them.

I continue to go through each day with absolutely no symptoms of any kind related to the subs themselves. It was a great experience for me personally, with the help of everyone here of course.

I did read your update on your thread and congratulations to you on your 90 days since subs! That is awesome and you should be very proud of yourself! You did a fine job with the taper and now you are receiving the rewards of that.

Thanks again and I wish you the vesy best as we both hopefully continue to add up the days since subs!

Karen xoxo


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 8:25 am 
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This is definitley worth watching!

If I do happen to have a girl I pray she is half as cute as little Ella is!

She sure loves her daddy and has quite a voice as she sings to Elvis!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmWa1gKrp6Q

Karen xoxo


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 8:28 am 
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Friends,

I've had a very serious event happen recently that will change my life drastically. Can't elaborate right now, but I will be off the forum for as long as it takes to deal with this very disturbing matter. Wish I could provide further explanation at this time, but just can't do that right now.

I wish everyone the best and hope to be back soon.

Take care and bless you all.

Hugs,
Karen xoxo


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 8:54 am 
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Karen

I am very sorry to read this Karen, you are a great person who has helped me from day 1.

You will stay in my thoughts!

((((HUGS))))

Tiki


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 12:56 pm 
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We're sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time. We look forward to your return.

Amy

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 11:22 pm 
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Karen I'm so sorry to hear this. You have been a backbone for a lot of people on here including myself. I hope you return soon with better news. Hang in there lady.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 9:32 am 
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Hey Karen,

I hope all is well with you. Take care of yourself, the forum will be here when you get things back to normal.

Q

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 5:46 pm 
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Brown Eyed Girl wrote:
Friends,

I've had a very serious event happen recently that will change my life drastically. Can't elaborate right now, but I will be off the forum for as long as it takes to deal with this very disturbing matter. Wish I could provide further explanation at this time, but just can't do that right now.

I wish everyone the best and hope to be back soon.

Take care and bless you all.

Hugs,
Karen xoxo




Hey Guys,

Went to my first therapy session today and it seemed to help. Being able to talk and get things out (mostly built up and held in anger, with lots of questions) is making a difference. What happened was a huge letdown of course, but I'm so lucky and blessed, and so happy I found out sooner rather than later in this case. I will continue to go for as many counseling sessions as it takes.

To let those know that may be wondering, the short version is, the wedding is off for good and will not be happening. My EX (lots of other names could also be applied here too) has been tossed out of my house. It's a sad story, but I'm sure I will recover fully given some time. Most important right now is my baby that needs me, and I need HER too! Yep, I will be holding a little girl soon! Yay! :D

I had the PERFECT opportunity to use again during this disaster, to go down that dark road once more. I could have re-started my active addiction up with ease, and had a GREAT REASON to do so. Lots of emotional distress, anger, frustration, disbelief, etc....and a broken hand from a moment of extreme anger when finding out the extent of the situation.

At the ER I was asked repeatedly, and it was highly suggested I take the IV Dilaudid that was offered. I'm very proud of myself for refusing to get rid of my pain in that manner. Toradol worked just fine which is a strong anti-imflammatory.

After the cast was applied I was going to be given a script for Percocet to take at home. I again refused and assured the doctor I would be just fine taking Tylenol, Motrin, and/or Aleve. And I have been too! It's amazing just how much pain our bodies can handle if we are committed to remaining off opiates. I'm not superwoman, I'm just doing everything possible to keep my recovery intact!

Thanks to everyone that knows the details, and has written to me for the kind words, thoughts, and tremendous offers of support which has pulled me through. I'm not sure where I would be if not for you guys. You all know who you are and again please accept my sincere thanks for your care and concern.

Karen xoxo


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 19, 2013 6:51 am 
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Glad to see you posting again Karen.

Hugs - Q

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 19, 2013 2:49 pm 
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I'm very glad that your therapy session went well and that you can continue to function as one of our question-answerers! You know we are behind you and would kick your Ex in the nuts if we could!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 19, 2013 3:32 pm 
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Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
I'm very glad that your therapy session went well and that you can continue to function as one of our question-answerers! You know we are behind you and would kick your Ex in the nuts if we could!

Amy



Hi Amy, and hello Q!

It sure is nice to hear from you two very special ladies! I hope you both are doing well, feeling great, and having the best weekend ever! :wink:

I'm doing so much better! I feel like I'm back in the world again full steam ahead. Therapy is going great and making the difference as I have a very understanding and knowledgeable counselor that is in tune with my situation. One of her good friends had a similar situation happen to her so she knows how I'm feeling, and better yet, how to deal with it best!

I SHOULD have kicked that scumbag in the nuts Amy! :lol: But instead I punched him as hard as I possibly could right in the nose and jaw. I broke my hand of course and now have a beautiful purple cast on it, but that was a small price to pay for an instant of relief! Should have also kicked him in the balls too! :D

I feel it's very beneficial for me to be posting again right now. It helps me tremendously when I feel I'm helping others. It works both ways! The more I talk about it the better I feel. I'll tell you this ladies....soon as I found out I was having a little girl it felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. At that point when the doctor said I was having this baby girl to be following me around one day soon, nothing else seemed to matter right then. I was overcome with emotion.

I'm good friends. I will be just fine in the end. Nothing is gonna keep this girl down for long!

Thank you both for your continued love and support. You guys are the very best!

Lotsa Love,
Karen xoxo


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 5:55 pm 
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Hey guys,

Just a quick update on my progress since the last dose of sub.

Doing great, feeling well and no symptoms as I approach the 2 month mark. Can't believe how fast the time is going! I've had no cravings at all either. The desire to use again doesn't even come into my thought process. Nothing in the way of Paws has set in either, at least so far it hasn't and I don't expect it will.

My hope is that everyones sub experience is the same as mine has been if it is your desire to get off this drug. I couldn't have aksed for a more positive experience during my approximate 3 years on the sub. It has allowed me to get my addiction under control, and live my life the way I choose to live it.

I have been told by a few people that there is a change in me lately, that something is "different" about me and the way I'm going through life and how I'm acting. I have told very few people about my addiction and use of the subs to help correct it. I'm letting my actions be my guide and people are taking notice of it. I just smile and go on my way knowing I have fought my way back.

I just want to thank everyone here that has been a part of my progress. No way I could have gotten this far without all of you guys here and I will never forget that. You have supported me from day one and I hope you guys are as proud of yourselves as I am of all of you!

Much Love,
Karen xoxo :D


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 9:45 am 
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I've told everyone about how my addiction and sub experience was so positive...
Now it's also fair I tell about the not-so-good times as well.

I'm sailing along doing really well and then "IT" happens....

My last post just about one very short week ago says how well I am doing.
It's almost funny as I read it again now.
How can the situation change THAT fast???

I've had no desire to use since a very long time ago. YEARS in fact!
The Suboxone/Subutex did it's job extremely well during my 3+ years on it.
I never cheated or used even once with any drug while on the subs.
I felt completely ready to get off and resume a life without drugs.
I've had some ups and downs recently, but never even considered using again.
I've had a MAJOR incident happen recently, but using NEVER entered my mind.

Had my appendix out a while ago and basically refused all narcotics except a few pills.
Left the hospital refusing a script for Percocet.
Fell jogging and severly injured my ankle, but refused all narcotics again.
Left the ER refusing a script for Vicodin.
Broke my hand recently during my MAJOR incident and refused all narcotics.
Again left the ER wanting no script for narcotic drugs which were strongly suggested.

I've continued NA meetings I started years ago, attending regularily.
I'm doing ALL the right things in my life, and happy for the most part.
Getting ready to have my first child which keeps me grounded and excited.
Even begun dating again and enjoying that.
No risk of a relapse whatsoever........I'm in a real good place in my mind.
I have continued sailing along enjoying life.

Suddenly a huge jolt..........BOOM!

Then right out of the blue "IT" really happens.....
I'm talking about STRONG CRAVINGS!!!
And not the usual kind where you just CONSIDER taking/wanting something.
I'm talking about the WORST cravings I have EVER had in my entire life.
Nothing else seems to matter right now...
Not working, not eating, not even sleeping.....NOTHING!
All I want is to try some drugs for a change.....to get high once more.
What is that feeling like after all these years?
And I want all I can get too!
How ridiculous is that?
After all the hard work I have put in.
After all the time I have spent doing all the right things.
But none of it seems to even matter right now.

I want some drugs and I want them NOW!!!!
I've even considered contacting some former dealers....
Numbers I have long ago deleted, but numbers I have memorized!
STUPID - STUPID - STUPID and I know it.

Is it depression - maybe? Seems like it could be.
It's not just a one-time thought either....
It's all I think of every minute of every hour each day now.
I'm so afraid of what I might do.
If the opportunity to use came at me I know I would probably do it.
STUPID - STUPID - STUPID and I realize it.

Made an appointment with my therapist.
I've called my NA sponser and told her my thoughts.
She came over immediately like a great sponsor does.
It didn't even matter as I told her I needed some narcotics.
She tried to reason with me and I basically asked her to leave my home.
She refused to go.....Thank God!
Threatened to beat my ass.....Thank God!
Had a good friend stay with me last night just in case.

I haven't used.....YET.
I am trying to figure out the best way to get what I want...
While trying to figure out how best to stop these thoughts and feelings?
I even got in my car and drove around looking for that "right place" in my area.
Again.... STUPID - STUPID - STUPID that I did that.

I'm literally shaking because I'm so confused by these thoughts and actions.
Where did they come from?
And why did they come NOW?
Confused and ashamed....I'm torn in half.
Crying doesn't help.

I'm the most positive, and committed to a clean life person I know.
I know I'm much better off without active addiction in my life....
But those damn drugs are calling me....in fact SCREAMING my name.
Oh how good it would feel to just try it....
"Come on Karen....just try one little pill"....they keep saying over and over.
"You can stop after one pill if you really want too"!!!
Yeah, right.

There's no way I could go through another relapse again.....
It might even kill me this time....
BUT....
It hardly seems to even matter right now.

I hate this.....
What is wrong with me?
Sorry I let everyone down.
I let myself down.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 10:07 am 
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Karen,

You haven't let anyone down, most people here have been through this already. If you're an addict, it's a matter of when, not if. It's impossible to come off years of using opiates and be 100% certain that you won't ever relapse or have a craving, that is a dangerous mind frame to be in. Because when the cravings do hit, it takes you by surprised and you're not prepared for it. Feelings of guilt don't help either, but I know they're inevitable.

My only advice is to stick close to the supportive people around you. Keep thinking about your pregnancy and the health of your baby. Other than the health of myself, that is the number one thing that keeps me out of this type of thinking. Drugs are not an option right now at all. Stay here online of it helps and remember all the pain and misery that comes along with using.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 11:20 am 
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If your cravings are that strong and that persistent, you need to get back on Suboxone, pronto!!!

I'm all for NA and therapy, but I just don't think NA or therapy is going to cut it, by the sound of things. You need to seriously consider Suboxone again.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 12:21 pm 
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tinydancer wrote:
Karen,

You haven't let anyone down, most people here have been through this already. If you're an addict, it's a matter of when, not if. It's impossible to come off years of using opiates and be 100% certain that you won't ever relapse or have a craving, that is a dangerous mind frame to be in. Because when the cravings do hit, it takes you by surprised and you're not prepared for it. Feelings of guilt don't help either, but I know they're inevitable.

My only advice is to stick close to the supportive people around you. Keep thinking about your pregnancy and the health of your baby. Other than the health of myself, that is the number one thing that keeps me out of this type of thinking. Drugs are not an option right now at all. Stay here online of it helps and remember all the pain and misery that comes along with using.



Hi Tiny,

Thank you so much for your reply, and support which is greatly appreciated. Never needed it more than I do right now that's for sure!

I know that relapse is part of the addiction process Tiny. I've relapsed more times than I could ever count. I didn't mean to give the impression I thought I would never relapse as that's not the case. And I also know cravings are part of the game too. I've had cravings all my life, and know how they can spring up on you. I've never usually had an issue dealing with any cravings until now.

These cravings are different, hard to explain even. Most cravings seem to last for minutes, and sometimes hours at times and usually triggered by an event. These cravings have lasted for about 4 days now! And they are the strongest cravings I have ever felt in my life! I just recently told someone they are like I'm being pulled my the neck out of the house where the drugs are waiting and I can't resist the pull.

And the pills and powder are in a pile in every single room of my house! Everywhere I go, and everywhere I look I see them. I woke up at 3 am to use the bathroom and there they were calling me. It happened the other night exactly like that and I got in my car (at 3 am) and drove into the area where I know I could get what I wanted. One of my very good friends that's been clean for 10+ years came over last night to stay with me all night. And thank God she did too. She's married with 2 small children and her mother watched her kids so she could watch me! I'm so lucky she's my friend and truly cares about me.

I appreciate your advice, and it's good advice too. I have a boatload of friends that are all a phone call or minute away, but they can't be here 24/7 to make sure I don't do something really stupid. They all have lives too and I know that. It's just I keep waiting and wondering when these cravings will stop and it's not happening.

My baby probably is all that's keeping me from using right now. Romeo had a good comment and that was a consideration.

Thank you so much Tiny for your care and concern. I hope you are doing well yourself.

Oh, and congratulations on being named the newest mod. You are a great fit for the part and I know you will do a great job!

Hugs,
Karen xoxo


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 12:37 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
If your cravings are that strong and that persistent, you need to get back on Suboxone, pronto!!!

I'm all for NA and therapy, but I just don't think NA or therapy is going to cut it, by the sound of things. You need to seriously consider Suboxone again.



Hey Romeo,

Thanks for responding. I hear ya about going back on the subs. I have given that some serious thought, and one of the first things I thought of actually. I haven't ruled it completely out yet, but there is no way I will take even a 1% chance of the baby being born into addiction if I can get by without doing that. Just no way I would do that, if I can help it. It would take a drastic measure for me to make that decision and go back on the Subutex, not Suboxone. I do have some Subutex saved from before as I know it's difficult to get for many. But at 19 weeks preggo I feel I'm too far along to begin sub therapy back up.

I think the only way I would do that is IF I did happen to relapse. It would be a much wiser choice, and better decision IF that did happen. I have to think that one over real carefully. I also know that if I did make the decision to go back on sub therapy I would most likely be on it for the rest of my life. Again, that's IF a relapse were to happen, which I pray does not of course. So this requires much more thought at this time.

Thanks Romeo for your post. It is definitely appreciated.

Karen xoxo


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