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PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2010 1:24 pm 
Hat, I'm so sorry about your cousin. If you want to tell us more about what happened we're here to support you.

A relative gave me half a dozen percocets a couple of days ago (he offered because I hinted) and I immediately swallowed all of them. Of course they did nothing, even though I was only on a 2mg dose of Sub and hadn't taken it yet that day. But this just speaks to where I'm at right now...very vulneralbe to relapse. I also attempted to get high on tramadol a week or so ago, by stopping my sub for a few days. But again, no real effect (besides making me twitchy). Thank God Sub has such a protective effect. You can't just stop long term use and get high easily, if at all.

I'm ashamed to admit what I did, but this forum is really my support group and if I can't tell the truth here, where can I? The holidays have always been an ordeal for me and I haven't done a lot of work on myself to manage it.
I did decide to go back up to 4mg/day (what I consider the official ceiling) and it is making a huge difference....no cravings. I'm also taking it before I get out of bed in the morning which is turning out to be a good strategy. I get up with the medication already in my system, instead of getting up and thinking about getting high like I've been doing.

Thank you all for your continued support
Lilly


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2010 1:44 pm 
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Thanks, Lilly, for the support. My cousin was an amazing woman. I only met her about 6 months ago and at 85, believe it or not we bonded almost immediately. I found her after I started researching my family history. I have dozens of other "new" cousins I didn't know I had, but she was my very favorite. I used to visit her every week.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I'm glad to hear you went back up to 4 mg. Some people need more than that to address all their cravings, so if you're still in rough shape, maybe keep an open mind about trying 5-6 mg. Just do for yourself whatever you need. That's why I created this thread, so we can discuss our holiday triggers and remove some of their power that way. So vent away, Lilly. Hang in there, you'll make it through it.

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2010 2:02 pm 
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Lilly,

I was sorry to hear of your relapse (or attempted relapse), but I have to tell you...way to go on increasing your dose and taking it in the morning to stave off the cravings. Excellent strategy to keep this bear, called addiction, at bay.

Your honesty in the matter is great. Thanks for sharing, I'll bet you're not the only one who has been feeling like that and maybe someone else will read your post and immediately up their dose so as not to relapse.

Again, good job on having the guts to increase your dose and change the dosing schedule.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 9:59 am 
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My cousin's funeral was Sunday; it was a very dignified service. I'm so thankful that the entire week is over. I'm happy to report that my fibro pain is beginning to subside. It was most definitely the stress of everything.

I wanted to thank those of you who showed me your support during this difficult time. I'm grateful I have you to turn to when things get rough. It really does help.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 15, 2010 10:55 am 
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I wanted to revive this thread as it's getting closer and closer to the holidays. Some members have talked about the increased triggers this time of year on other threads. If any of you just need to vent about the holidays and their added stress, please do so. We're here for each other. We can cope with these triggers with the help of our support system - including this forum.

SO VENT AWAY, Folks!

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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 Post subject: So sorry
PostPosted: Wed Dec 15, 2010 11:25 am 
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Hat, I am so sorry about your loss. I had a cousin that was like a sister to me all my life. I am an only child and I lost her 2 yrs. ago. She was only 58 yrs. old and why couldn't I go to her funeral? I was in the hospital with Pancreatitis because of my alcohol consumption which I am happy to say stopped 2 yrs ago. I never touched another drop.

To get to my point. Holidays or not, I pray that none of you give in to the temptation. It's not worth it. Think of anytime any of you relapsed. How horrible you felt and like so many including me here say,"It did nothing for me anyway".

Let's also remember, for those that share my belief, the reason for the season. For others, I repect your feelings and hope you have the mental strength not to destroy what you have worked so hard for, your health. To continue to use can only lead to disaster. I worked for an insurance company for many years, in the Death Claims Dept. I wasn't an addict then but now I realize how many death certificates I saw that had cause of death, "drug overdose". "

Take care of yourselves and keep writing to the forum. We need each other.

Have a good Holiday.

Love, Queenie


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 9:34 am 
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Thanks for everyone's support. I really appreciate it. As it turned out, another cousin died a week later, so I ended up having to attend another funeral. Although it's a lousy reason, I did enjoy getting together with my extended family.


Anyway, I wanted to revive this thread again since it's xmas eve. I'm thinking many of us are still going to have some stress and triggers. I encourage all of you to use this thread to express those feelings in order to address and deal with those triggers.

And happy holidays everyone! May the New Year bring you happiness and continued stable recovery. :)

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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 Post subject: UGH!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 12:10 pm 
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Mother is in from out of town. She stays in the house with us...wish we would have never started doing that. Major pain in the ass, Huge Stressor. She's eyeballing me right now...sometimes I think she can read minds. SEE, she just asked what I was typing......she knows?

I want to tell her to mind her own business, but she's my mom...I can't do that. Ugh...I'm going out for a smoke


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 12:51 pm 
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Ah, Romeo....Just tell her you're looking at porn. She'll be sorry she ever asked!

Lol.

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You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

-Jack Kornfield


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 3:39 pm 
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DOAQ,

That exact thought had crossed my mind!!


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 26, 2010 3:54 pm 
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So, usually I only look at the list of "most recent posts" but today I just wanted to post and ask "how did everyone survive christmas? and I remembered this thread about holiday stress and triggers, etc, and decided to find it and post here. I hope everyone is doing ok. As some of you know I have been going back and forth between my regular home and my brother's home which is about 60 miles or so but since I don't drive it's sort of farther for me than if I could just drive one hour. So I chose to be with family for the holiday rather than housemates and friends back at my regular home. And yes, I do have a choice. that became extra clear when I had an emotional melt-down about two weeks ago in front of my brother and his kids, with my mom in hearing distance in the next room. This situation has been bringing up a lot of the shame I have about how my childhood family and home was and I all of a sudden (from his point of view) started dumping it all out on my brother. He just sat with his younger daughter on his lap and mostly listened, looking very sad. The children and the dog just got very quiet. I wasn't screaming but I was talking loudly about how upset I was about everything and about how horrible everything is and how sick our family has always been and how horrible it has been for MEMEMEMEME. And finally I stopped mostly talking and just cried. Then my brother said well if that is how I feel then obviously this situation isn't working and I should go back to my regular home and he would drive me there with my things whenever I want. A reasonable response (my brother is very reasonable) but oddly i wasnt' happy with it. I told him, well, NO I don't think that IS what I want. I had also brought up the idea that I should take our mom back to live with me but my brother is dead set against that--he doesn't think I can care for her on my own--and actually, he has a good point. But one of my problems has been discovering that things here with my mom are worse than i had thought and I feel she isn't adequately cared for here. Well i have been working hard to improve her care, but even my mom fights me on that sometimes.

But I didn't really mean to get into all the details here--what I really wanted to say was that I feel lucky to have family to be with and I kind of wanted to reach out to anyone out there who for whatever reason couldn't be with family. Or who, like many of us do, has trouble in their family. In fact, I have been thinking of my other brother, who I have been estranged from for many years. I suppose he spent Christmas alone. My younger brother does see him and in fact helps care for him (he is disabled by schizophrenia) but it would ceratinaly still be too much for me to see him ESPECIALLY on a holiday. In past holidays, when my father was still alive, I often spent holidays away from my family because that brother was with them and that was very depressing for me.

So, if I have a point, I guess it's that family stuff is hard, but....I still am grateful that I have family. And I am grateful that my brother and his wife did invite (ask) me to come and help with my mom and their kids becasue before this i barely Knew my nieces but now I am an important person in their immediate family and that is very valuable to me.

And by the way...for those of you who might have seen my last post..i never did ANYthing about losing my sub bottle which had ten tabs or so in it. I am rather disappointed that whoever ended up finding my bag made no effort to give back at least the bag with anything of value taken out because I liked that bag, plus there was some stuff in there that was of value to me but no one else (notebooks, one of which had important records). I WAS able to refill my script immediately. I know I might run out of sub early because of this so I have two possible plans--one would be call my doctor NOW and tell him what happened, two would be wait and see, and try to keep my dose way down and stretch out my script as long as I can. But....I am actually wondering if I need to be on a higher dose. I saw my doctor not long ago and we agreed that I should be on 4 mgs--that is a half a tab a day. I've been trying to stick to that, and mostly doing ok, except that I have relapsed on heroin (my DOC) several times recently. I was reading on the forum about the ceiling effect, which I understand to be about 4 mgs, but....then I saw a post by Sub Doc where he said it takes 8 to 16 mgs to address cravings. 2 to 4 mgs definitely is enough to keep me out of WD but apparently not cravings. and then i saw a post where someone pointed out, that especially with the tabs, we probably don't absorb the full dose--that is, i take 4 mgs but maybe absorb quite a bit less. I'd like to get the strips, but forgot to talk to my doctor about it.

But...I don't think the holidays really triggered me. i think I'm still at a point where I'm always badly triggered by availability or even the possibility of availability of my DOC. I also actually at this point would like to just try a higher dose. or at least 4 mgs by the strip. but my doctor really seems dead set on wanting me on a low dose and I don't want to seem like I'm arguing with her. I think then, the best thing is for me to ask her to prescribe the strips for my next refill. And i know it would be best to call her NOW about losing a bottle with ten tabs, since at 4 mgs that is 20 days worth.

But too, regarding my relapses, I do know that I cannot expect sub to completely fix my desire to use drugs for escape. ANd I've had a lot lately , really extra, that anyone would want to escape from. In fact, everywhere i go lately it seems like I'm wading through sewage...Here at my brother's I am dealing with my bedridden mother on a daily basis and I just thank god (and I don't even believe in god) that the kids are out of diapers already!!! Enough said? Then back at my regular home, the night before I left i noticed that the basement drain seemed to have signs of backing up. so...right before I left to come back to my brother's, I ran downstairs to shop vac...and discovered all-out sewage has been backing up into the basement, apparently from the rain..I started shop-vaccing and realized...maybe i was just making it worse. To top it off, right before THIS, my housemate walked into my room because I had a heater on and the window open--which drives her crazy and is an ongoing argument with us (one of several) but I am sick of hearing about (I dont' have it like that all the time, it was just for a couple of minutes, remember I was on my way out and I have only been spending a few days a month at home anyway) and also, although I realize conserving energy is an important issue, I would just like everyone reading this to be aware that in my regular home I am actually the homeowner and my housemate is a tenant ("roomer") who gets a VERY good deal and does NOT have to chip in on ANY of the bills, it's included in her rent--but anyway, she walked into my room (we do have a more or less "open door" policy, but I would rather have knocking or permission aksked for when I am home to be asked) and found evidence of my last relapse...As you can imagine, this is the last thing I was wanting to face.....then I ran downstairs, found the sewage, my ride came, my housemate and I had unpleasant words and I left....with huge fear of what she might do with the info about my relapsing. (i have been shunned a lot before when people found out about my addiction but it's never done anything except make me more secretive) That is the worst thing I hate about addiction actually, is the hiding and lying. Well. later i asked my housemate to keep the info private and we "made up" and I also clarified how i feel about the "open door' policy at our house. We are pretty much best friends but soemtimes I feel that we are TOO close and too much of the BAD side of family comes up.

So that brings me back to the topic of 'family." I really didn't mean to make this post all about me, but there it is. Now were are in that generally quiet period between christmas and new years and I just really wanted to post to see how everyone is doing.

Ultimately I had a lovely christmas, my sisterinlaw's brother and his wife came for one night, we had a restaurant lunch on christmas day and my mother even got out of bed to join us, the kids had a lot of fun opening the presents and my brother and his wife didn't start bickering again until really the end of christmas, what more can you ask for?

Anybody want to share about their holiday experience? I'll be checking back later to read new posts...Meanwhile, I wish everybody well, and I guess we can all hope for the best for the new Year coming up, and it's the end of the first decade of the 21st century too...


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 26, 2010 9:05 pm 
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Auto, I see there are a lot of things you have to deal with. That may be the reason for the relapses. I know that when I am stressed out I get cravings like crazy. If you could get rid of some of the stresses, you may feel better. Maybe it was good that you let off some steam to your brother. It's even good that you cried. It does wonders to cry. You're letting it all out.

My Christmas was good. My daughters, son-in-law & grandsons & I ate delicious food my daughter & I cooked, watched movies, popped corn, talked and basically relaxed in our jammies. It was fun & most of all peaceful which is what I need.

I hope things go alright for you with the Subs. Maybe if you get the film it will be better for you. I hope so.

Take care & keep us informed on how it works out with the subs.

Love, Queenie


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