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PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 2:12 am 
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This is my story I now its kind of long but this is how I got here. I had always popped vicodin ever since i injured my knee the first time in 2000. I got beat up at work by some guy hopped on on steroids who had just started and misinterpreted something i said. I blamed myself. I found that the pills made me feel happy,secure,not so anxious anymore and able to cope with the stress of school and work and the fact that i didnt feel so insecure in my own skin anymore. Once I become addicted I had so much shame and guilt. I tore myself up I was so racked with guilt. I think I was addictted from the first time i popped that vic. over 12 years ago. I had never liked pain meds before wisdom teeth or other injuries in high school never. But with being out in the world on my own and having been beaten up and having to have my 1st surgery and the loss of my job the guilt i put on myself was so much. I sunk into my den and I stayed there. I finally emerged almost 2 years later. I met a woman who believed in me. She was a nice woman I thought. She gave me a sense of worth. If someone could love me of all people than maybe I wasnt so bad. She helped me detox off the oxy and the norcos and we ended up getting married. Fast forward 2 years later after several binges on norcos or oxy that would last 2-5 days at a time and would only end when i had 2 days off of work to recover from my binges and she served me with divorce papers. She never talked to me again after she kissed me goodbye as i left that morning to goto work. I think that is what hurt the most. The abandonment the feeling that i had thrown it all away over pills. I sunk deeper into despair. I got my pain doc to switch me to methadone and than i really went out of control. the methadone i couldnt get high on anymore so i started topping off or taking more methadone. I had starting taking benzoes to combat the anxiety i felt when i wasnt on opiates or had stopped ever so briefly. But finally it was all to much and i just went to work and stayed numb. 3 years ago I met the woman who is now my fiancé. She showed me another way that I didnt have to be a loner that I didnt have to hurt myself and numb myself. As you can probably tell by now I think its safe to say i am codependent. I had numerous other relationships in the period of 6 years between my ex-wife and my fiancé. But the pills always came first I never got too close because I didnt want to expose myself or I would choose to take copious amounts of opiates instead of focusing on relationships. It was always about money and drugs. Than I met a woman who was nice and sweet she saved my life. It took almost 2 years for me to trust her totally but I finally did. We moved slow and we finally moved in together. This summer I got off the methadone and I lost alot of weight and started eating better and living better. I cared again. I dont mean to write a book and be so long winded. I guess what I am trying to say is I didnt feel like I had the strength on my own or I didnt want to get off on my own. I felt like I had no reason to live other than pills and money. All i cared about was material possessions and how i could alter my mood and satisfy any urge i had. in short i was the devil incarnate at times. I never trusted anyone i hid everything. But that has all changed. I see all the things I have done wrong in my life. When i started detoxing on methadone a light turned on. Than I got on the sub and the light started to really shine. I wanted to live life on lifes terms again. I wanted to put myself out there again. I am mid mid 30's now and i am not getting any younger. My father is an alcholic and bi-polar. I have never been a drinker and I haven't been drunk in probably 8-9 years. I never wanted to be my father. But I didnt realize that I took the same destination I just chose a different way of getting there. I f#### up my life. I think a part of me did it to see if anyone would notice or care or if someone would save me. I romantized it. I wanted to Downey in Less than Zero. I wanted to be Michael J. Fox in bright Lights Big City. I wanted to be the prodigical son....to be lost and than find myself again and be all the better for it....but it didnt turn out like that I kept going further down the spiral....I want off the merry go round. I have never been this open in my life as what i am typing here this I minute. I screwed up again tonight. I felt bad and I still had some temgesic I hid it. I dint flush it with everything yesterday. I should have but I didnt I wanted to make sure if the pain got to be too much or if she left me i had a plan B. than i took a bath tonight and found a bottle of sub under the sink. I have been looking at that bottle for 2 hours.....my heart punded i should have flushed it....but i didnt i gave in to my sin....i said no i remember someone saying something about skipping days earlier in the thread and its ok i can take .2mg of bupe. I will feel better and Its been since Wednesday @ 330 am that i took .125mg....i am skipping days my tapering will be easier and i wont have to hurt its friday night anyway why not....i am a mess and i just need to man up....


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 7:29 am 
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Hi there......
well it's 330am where I live, and I'm awake :shock:
Not sure why, not sure what's going on in this addict brain today, but I can TOTALLY RELATE to your story.

No, Im not tapering, but the first part I mean. the giving EVERYTHING UP for drugs/pills without a second thought
part, is what I mean......
you know,
being where YOU and I have been,,,, I don't think you should see taking suboxone, as a "fail" the way you do.

when I read, "I messed up"
my heart kinda sank, and then when I read you took suboxone, I thought, well that ain't so bad?!

seriously,,,,, your "fail" could have been SOOOOOOO much worse.
there's definitely no "free ticket" out of opiate addiction,
suboxone has definitely given me the "space" I needed away from the high, the chase, the "hustle"
to be a PERSON again, and I love what you say about turning into the devil.
I believe I was the devil, too, on opiates.
I'd steal anything, from anyone .............wouldn't give stealing precious things from my family a SECOND THOUGHT
if I knew I could get money, to buy pills with it.

That's not the person I am, I couldn't even handle accidentally forgetting to pay for soda the other day at the grocery store. It was on the bottom of the cart, I forgot to scan it and noticed when I got to the car. i went ahead and put it in the car, loaded my son up and went home. but it ate me up so bad inside, I drove all the way back ,, and
PAID FOR IT.

Im so very afraid to go back to where I came from.

Anyways,,,,,
your doing great....Your so far away from where you were,,,,
THATS What you need to remember.
so what if you took a niblet of suboxone,,,,,,,
i don't see it as failure.
I know it's not part of the "plan" and your trying to go off right now,
but I mean it, when I say it could've been so very much worse.

Hang in there, your doing fine.
Merry Christmas,
I hope you and your family have a great one this year. You deserve to be happy
and not in withdrawls for the holiday,
In my opinion anyways.
Good Luck

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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 Post subject: Thank you Amber
PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 1:57 pm 
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thank you so much for reading my story. I know its hard to read my continuous stream of typing. I just started typing it the other nite and couldnt stop. But I have never been that honest with any Psychiatrist or NA or AA group. It felt good to get it out. You are a good person and I just wanted to say God bless you and yours on this Christmas Eve and holiday season.
I appreciate your words of encouragement so much.

Scorp


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 7:33 pm 
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Thanks to YOU as well.....
It's funny how US addicts,,,, feel this companionship and/or bond,,
becuz of the hellish places we've been.....
danced with the devil himself so-to-say.

Anyways, thanks, and I hope you and your family have a love-filled, GREAT holiday as well 8) 8) 8)

Good luck on the rest of your taper. . . there's no "easy" way out,
but remember that the hardest battles in life either break us or make us stronger.

have a great christmas
and Im looking forward to hearing more from ya :wink:

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 26, 2012 6:04 pm 
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your right there is no easy way out now i need to lift myself out of this pit and rebuild my life. Everything is so strange lately.....I guess I am getting accustomed to living as they life on lifes terms.....i am quitting the sub.....its time for me and i can only speak for myself to get this show going and move on to rebuilding my life....I'm tired of dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight.... But I have to remember he is not thru with me.....I got down on my knees today and just started praying....the boredom is the thing that kills me i need to quit isolating!!!

Scorp


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 7:59 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]
Scorpiotl wrote:
your right there is no easy way out now i need to lift myself out of this pit and rebuild my life. Everything is so strange lately.....I guess I am getting accustomed to living as they life on lifes terms.....i am quitting the sub.....its time for me and i can only speak for myself to get this show going and move on to rebuilding my life....I'm tired of dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight.... But I have to remember he is not thru with me.....I got down on my knees today and just started praying....the boredom is the thing that kills me i need to quit isolating!!!

Scorp


So I am sitting here reading your whole story, well, the whole thread, and nodding along, like I was typing it or something.
It's funny that the thing that jumped out at me was "the boredom is the thing that kills me, I need to quit isolating"
That is SO TRUE for me. Idle hands are the devils playground, my grandmother used to say. It doesn't matter what you
do. Just do SOMETHING productive and positive. I know for me that when I am bored, I get depressed, I start to lay
around, not get out of pajama pants all day, not eat, etc... So the sooner I catch myself, the better off I am.

I have a really hard time during the holidays, not seeing my daughters, or talking to them. Every year I relapse. This year...
I DIDN'T!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I started the isolating, and the dedpression was kicking in. But there was no way in helll
that I was going to stop my sub, and start using again. This was the first time in a long time, that I thought about using though.
My family sucks for support. Not all of them, but most of them. I'm pretty much on my own here with my little man.
I dont get any help, and quite frankly, I'm sick of the shit. I know he is my responsibilty, but the phrase "it takes a village to
raise a child" didn't just come out of thin air. It came about because back in the day, families helped each other.
Not mine.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I can relate to your story, and that I did enjoy reading it. Thank you for being so open and
honest with us. Ihope that your holidays were wonderful! Take Care~ Kelly[/font]

_________________
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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 Post subject: hey kelly
PostPosted: Sat Dec 29, 2012 9:05 pm 
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i know what you mean. Im starting over again and its hard and im going thru the wd and I am so afraid my fiancee doesnt get it. She told me to quit and so I did. I havent been sleeping and she kicked me out on Thursday actually so what did I doI took the a piece of the film I had been holding back so I didnt lose my head. I lost it. I was supposed to get my stuff and get out the same day and I used that as an excuse to take a piece of the film. Im back over here starting over after all this and we had a fight tonight because Im startung to get lethargic and weak and achy again I love her so much but she just doesnt get what I am going thru. Just like I guess I dont get what shes going thru. Sorry I digress.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 8:44 am 
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Hey there........


It IS really hard for "non addicts" to understand anything we are going thru.... but WE, here, well, the vast majority
of us here, understand what your going through....


Living without drugs, once you've been ON them for any amount of time is, well it's really shitty sometimes.

My "vote" here, is STILL the same as what I wrote above, , ,
"COULDA BEEN WORSE"
AT LEAST you didn't go get a bag, or a handful of pills and do that.
I don't know exactly what your "choice" was,,,, when I've been asked what my drug of choice was, I usually say,
"I have to pick ONE??"

back on topic,
it coulda been worse,

I hope you and your girl can work things out. . . . Have you asked her, or thought about going to counseling together???

Honestly, I think counseling is the ONLY reason my husband has been able to let go of all the crap I put our family through,
and be SUPPORTIVE of me, now.
Something about that non-biast "proffesional" opinion really helped him SEE I'm not the only, or even the worst addict
out there........ Hmmmmmm what a concept, eh?
:lol:

and if it doesn't work out, well I guess that's not where your sopposed to be...

There's lots of counseling, where the actual doctor will "negotiate" fees..... we have no insurance, but maybe it's the shitty economy or something, we've found MORE than one, who was willing to work for cash, for less than a THIRD what they would bill insurance.
My step brother, did the same thing, on the East Coast, so I know it isn't just in my area or something.

Maybe it's worth a shot??? What do you have to lose??

AND,,,,, maybe by asking her, to go with you, it will REALLY SHOW you want to get better, you care enough
to put that much effort forward, blah blah blah
you know all the BS us women like to hear...... :lol: :lol: :lol:

That's all I got
I hope things turn around for you

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 3:29 pm 
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Thanks, the messed up part is I have been having cravings for sub. Not for pain meds. Just sub. Also it sucks not knowing if and or when I am going to start feeling really bad again. I think the isolating over the holidays makes it worse I got out for a few hours last nite and an hr at noon and I'm weak but I'm wondering if it isn't like 60 percent in my head after all the days without sub or taking .125 or .25 those couple days after jumping around 1-2 mg a day 2 Mondays ago. I get stuck on my head


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