Oh yeah, i don't do Benzos or anything else anymore. Just subs and grape crush. I love that stuff! Anyways...I'm sure u guys see it but the end if page 4 has my first post.

Oh Glester! Maybe my mom instincts are in overdrive because my son just left for college, but I just want to give you a big hug and tell you it will be ok!

I'm so glad that you are honest about how you are feeling. You are so brave to be vulnerable to a bunch of strangers, but we are here to help. I wish I could do the things I will ask you to do for you or at least with you. If you were in my area I would make sure that I met up with you to discuss your options. Since I can't do that, we will have to settle for posting and PMs.

To me it sounds like you are in the midst of a major depressive episode. Whether that is caused by PAWS or the chemistry in your brain, you need to get on the road toward recovery from your depression. Now taking some small steps forward is hard when you're in this depressive state, but I have to ask you to push yourself to do a couple of things.

First of all, if you want to PM me and tell me where you live, I will help you search for mental health services that you can afford. If you don't feel that you need my help that is just fine! Do you have any family members who might be willing to help? It's one of the hallmarks of depression to feel stuck and to not see a light at the end of the tunnel. My son went through clinical depression at age 8. He felt very out of control and couldn't see a way forward. I found him a great child psychologist and she helped him so much! So there is help! And I know it's hard to take the initial steps toward getting help, but it's essential. Here is a link to help you get started:

https://www.thepennyhoarder.com/life/lo ... -services/

If you PM me with the area in which you live I can be a lot more helpful. Ultimately, I think that you need to see a doctor, possibly a psychiatrist. It could be that the right combination of medications could make the difference that you need to improve your state of mind. This is not your fault and you deserve help!

You are worth taking these steps forward to make your life better, Glester. Please get in touch with me!

Amy

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Done is better than perfect!

Glester Amy is the perfect person to talk to, I think u should definitely talk more with her.

When I got out of rehab I was feeling exactly like u describe. I held on with all my might for 5-6 months and I relapsed. I became the biggest hermit ever because eventually the sheer thought of speaking to someone terrified me. In the beginning I did try NA and counseling (it wasn't addiction counseling though), I tried Celebrate Recovery, I tried going out with old friends that weren't addicts.... I just couldn't get myself out of the funk. I have to believe it was PAWS and cravings but I honestly don't know for sure. But that feeling of just being stuck and alone (and being scared to be anything but alone) wouldn't go away. I do wish I'd tried addiction counseling and I also think I may have benefited from an antidepressant. I wish I'd have reached out for help more though because looking bk I don't feel like I gave anything I tried much dedication because I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel, like Amy mentioned.

I hope u do find some help. What ur going through is very relatable to many of us. Life itself can be so hard, I believe addicts have to fight even harder. Most of the time we need help to get out of that state.

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Jennifer

Glester it is really common for people who end up substance dependent to also have mental health issues. I personally believe that's the cause behind why many of us end up turning to drugs in the first place.

Have you ever had your depressive symptoms checked out, or had treatment for any mental health issues? It might help.

Good on you for backing up and going to work each day despite your symptoms.

4mg is a very high dose to jump off from. I owuld suggest tappering down to 3mg for a few months. Then to 2mg. Then to 1mg- each with a few months in between to get used to the dose.

I couldn't imagine jumping at 4mg. That's my current dose and I'm still battling my cravings at 6mg a day.

Thanks for all the replies. I need to come on here more I just tend to fall off the planet sometimes and then a month it two have passed.
So, I started going to a sub doctor because I've come to realize I'll never be able to get off of these alone. It's too difficult. The doctor I go to seems to care. Ive fixed a few things that were weighing me down which helped me but not my mental state too much. I fixed my license, bought a Civic, started going to the doctor instead of buying Suboxone on the street, n next I'm going to get health insurance because it's costing me $500 a month for doc n script. No way insurance will cost that so I might as well get it. I get paid as an independent contractor so I pay my own taxes. I fell behind a few years and it really stresses me out. Seems to always be something weighing on me. Paid off my child support arrears, fixed the other things I mentioned, now I have this tax issue. Always something. My childhood friend was a CPA which was great cause he helped me with my taxes years ago. I say "was" because 4 yrs ago he overdosed.
Years ago I took Prozac while I was in rehab. I harmed myself due to unbearable circumstances. One they improved I was taken off it. I feel like the way I feel is due to circumstances in my life. I'm not saying it's not a mental issue, more like an assumption. I do think seeing someone could, would help but if I do it's not going to be until after I get health insurance. I went to Florida for Christmas to see my family and it was great. Even though the way I feel didn't change much. It's been slow at work since, which is usual. So I've had many days off and I'm still doing the "sit in my room watching TV all day" thing. I think TV is an escape for me maybe?
To sum it up, I've improved in some areas but not the area between my ears. Thanks again for the responses. It's nice to hear back even though there's so much time between responses from me. I either chat with this forum, or noone. Noone sucks

Welcome back Glester1. Once you get insurance maybe you can look for a Psychiatrist instead of just a regular Suboxone doctor. Meaning one who also prescribes Suboxone. The owner of this forum is Dr. Junig and he is just that. If you lived in his state of practice then we'd recommend you go see him for help.

Your problem does sound twofold and both should be addressed so you feel better all around. Having that tax thing hanging over your head sounds terrible and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. But just like you dealt with all the other finance issues, this one will be in the past eventually if you try your best to resolve it. Sorry about your CPA friend. That sucks.

So welcome to the Suboxone for life club. We have a lot of us here in that club too so you're surely not alone. If the time ever comes when it's right for you to stop, you'll know it deep down and will be able to act on it. For now, just concentrate on living your life as best as possible.

Good to have you back and posting!

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Don't take yourself so damn seriously

Yeah that's exactly what I'm doing. I've been seeing the doctor now for a couple months. Feels better going to him than the alternative.
Still no resolve on the tax issue. I still have the CDL option in my head. Instead of switching to payroll at my job to help stop the taxes from growing, I'm thinking about just switching jobs. One with a future. Plus ilove to drive and I've always thought about OTR trucking.
I've started a diet a month ago to help get rid of the fatigue which also causes depression. I've lost 30 lbs so far and am feeling much better. I was at 327 and my goal is 250. I'm 6'4" tall so I think that's a good weight.
That's pretty much it for now. Hopefully the next time you hear from me I have more positive changes.

Hi Glester1,


I just finished reading your posts from last year... About how you went off sub cold turkey, I was cringing!! I don't know how you did it! For me personally, I think I'll have to be on Suboxone maintenance for the rest of my life & guess what? I couldn't be any more happier! Glester1, you have us all here to talk to. Even though it's not the physical world, it's still support. & Please come back here more everyday! We are all like therapists to one another & it is great!


I've been on Suboxone for a year & a half now, my life has never been so rewarding. I remember dreading waking up in the morning to go on about my day trying to find norcos... The anxiety, the dread, the physical withdrawals etc. we're just absolutely horrible. I don't know how you did it! You're very strong, & you're NOT alone.


Always here for you! Message me anytime!



Love & pixie dust,

Ashlee

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I may not have all what I want, but thank GOD I know how that I have all that I need.

Were*

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I may not have all what I want, but thank GOD I know how that I have all that I need.