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 Post subject: Tired User... New Member
PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 12:53 am 
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I can't tell you how many nights I have browsed through addiction pages looking for support... information... inspiration... some end. This is the first website that I've ever made a contribution... This is my first post... I have been battling my devils for about three years.... I've always been a recreational user of many things... and I've always been ignorant of what recreational truly means.

I started using Oxycodones regularly about two and half years ago, after dabbling with other opiates, such as Vicodin, Percs, Dilaudids, ect. About 1 year ago, I started suboxone... At the time, I don't think I was ready to quit using, I just wanted to stop the pains of WDs. I was prescribed 24mg/daily and felt great... I felt proud... I remember about a month after starting my initial Sub Rx, I snorted a 30mg Oxy... After no desired effect, I felt extremely guilty... I remember feeling I like cheated my self and my girlfriend, who was so supportive of my choice for treatment. She was right by my side during my 4 days of torture going through WD's before starting Subs...

In hind sight, I wish I would have stuck it out just a few more days cause I know now that I was nearing the end of the terrible beginning. But being that this was the first time I was going through WD's and didn't sleep those four days, I NEEDED OUT..

Anyway... After my first relapse/experiment, I did not return to Oxy's for about four months, when like a lot of sub users, I could no longer afford the out of pocket expenses. I started using Oxy's on a daily basis, but I continued to take a 4mg Sub (or less) every two-three days so that if I ran out of Oxys, I could just go right back on my sub rx. I finally stopped my sub after about 1 year of my Sub Rx (8 months of both oxy/sub). I found my self right back to square one, I still had a small supply of subs but never wanted to stop long enough to begin using with precipitated WD. Instead, I would go through 120 vicidin 750's in a week, sometimes two weeks just to get by.. And I mean barely get by. I would take a handful of vics at night to get about 2-3 hours a sleep, then wide awake, aches, anxiety, nausea. I would take a couple vics when I woke up in the middle (1AM, 2AM was a lucky night) of the night, but it always seems that i would never fall back asleep before 6 or 7am.

I should say that I have never been a "heavy" user... my demon is my consistency... My unorthodox addiction style has cause many years of denial on my part that I have a problem. I have always made sure that I spaced my supply out (as best as i could) so that I would not have to deal with days that I would not have anything. I usually take 3-30mg Oxy/Day, and if needed, have been to taper to 15mg a day when needed. My philosophy has been I would rather have something than nothing. This way of thought has caused so much self-inflicted pain. Monthly, I have about a week where I don't sleep, have aches, restless legs, loose stool. I would literally detox myself with clonidine, adderall, atarax, xanax, and vicodine, during the times I could not get the Oxy. By the time I got my hands on some I noticed that the first night or so i wouldnt be able to fall asleep because I would get too high (I would get anxious about my breathing due to past incidents). I would be so pissed cause I was so close every fucking time.

I am noticing that I am all over the place...so here i am, No OC but I started back on Subs becuase I am leaving the state and I am not going to risk trying to take a med that is not in my name. I was pleasantly surprised that after 18hrs after my last oxy dose, i took 2mg of Sub and felt good enough. That was yesterday. Today I took 4mg sub today and went to work. I felt pretty cruddy, but I think that I have almost gotten use to "sort of" feeling shitty. I also took some adderall (40mg), xanax (.5mg), and clonidine. Got home... and you know did a 30 oc. I dont know why, was not even worth it.

I am going to continue my limited sub rx while im out of state. I really would like to get of suboxone in less than 10 days. I figured tomorrow I will take 2mg again. NO opiates.

Depression is my biggest issue. I feel so helpless when I come off, So lost, no purpose.

Sorry for the verbose post. just wanted to share my story. I have no one to talk to share it with.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 8:22 am 
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Welcome Margot! I could relate a lot to the thing you've said. I had a couple of false starts on the Suboxone myself. Really it came down to not being ready.

Margot Monk wrote:
In hind sight, I wish I would have stuck it out just a few more days cause I know now that I was nearing the end of the terrible beginning. But being that this was the first time I was going through WD's and didn't sleep those four days, I NEEDED OUT..


It's easy to get hung up on these regrets. How valid is it though? Seeming as using came back to using even with the Suboxone, do you think you could have stayed clean without it? I like to think that Suboxone is a great stepping stone for those of us who aren't yet ready to live life without opiates. I managed over a year without any opiates once... and I tell you, it was a difficult year! Now I'm back on Suboxone, building up the strength and maturity to live the rest of my life without opiates. And it will take how long it takes.

I tell ya. This is a great place for support. You've chosen a good forum. Congratulation on your first post as well! :D I'm sure you'll be a great addition to our lil community here.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 8:26 am 
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Hi Margot Monk and welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing your story. I know sometimes it's hard to open up to a bunch of strangers online, but afterward it can feel good and you may not realize it, but your story will help others just by being here on this forum.

It sounds like you've been through hell and back. While reading your story I found myself thinking that you're a perfect candidate for suboxone maintenance. Is there a reason why you won't consider staying on it for awhile? I'm sorry to point this out so bluntly, but you seem to be at pretty high risk of relapse right now. If you go on a high enough dose of suboxone (maybe 12-16 mg), it should eliminate all of your cravings for other opiates as well as block other opiates should you slip up again. What that means is that you'll soon learn that slipping up is simply a waste.

It will give you the time to break all those old using habits and get your shit and head together so that you're TRULY ready to be off suboxone when the time comes. Just think about it. Oh and if you don't have insurance, suboxone's manufacturer has a patient assistance program that is for uninsured patients and if approved you'd get your meds free for a year.

I wish you the best and again, welcome to the forum. No matter what you decide to do, please know that we're here for you.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 11:13 am 
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Reading that makes me feel shackled. I really feel for you! I'm in recovery for alcohol and before that, I was addicted to methamphetamine. The meth was the same cycle of having it and not having it. It was terrible. It is not freedom.

Please look into the patient assistance program that Hat mentioned, because this is your life and you absolutely must reclaim it. I was on Sub for nearly 6 years and the thing about it is that it will even you out and give you peace and a break from the constant cycle that you describe. It is not an 'up and down' kind of drug. You don't have to take it forever, but if I were you, I'd just get onto Sub, get normalized, and not set deadlines for when to be off it. You can always stop Sub in the future when you are truly ready. Don't give yourself a hard time for needing a medication to help you break this cycle. You are very down on yourself for having a disease that you did not ask to have. You need some time to rest from it and start to feel good about yourself and your life again. Obviously, you can't continue down the path you are on. I wish you the best.

laddertipper

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First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 11:39 am 
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Hi and welcome! While I understand your desire to be free of all opiates do you really think that is realistic given your history? I do not mean to sound negative but the facts are that even on sub (although you were not using it correctly) you continued to relapse. I agree with hat and think if you get on a blocking dose of sub, take it correctly and give it a little time that it could be extremely beneficial to your recovery.

So many other forums are full of people telling you to get off sub ASAP, that you will have horrible wuthdrawl and it is impossible to get off. If you would spend some time reading thru the forum you will find that is simply not true if you do a slow proper taper. You already have withdrawl coming at you from the oxy but sub will allow you to work on your recovery and life without having to suffer thru withdrawl and paws. Once your ready to come off you can taper off the sub and if done correctly should experience very little withdrawl and less severe paws.

I hope you give this some thought because I think sub could help you a great deal! I hope you stick around the forum, it is an excellent source of support and information.


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