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 Post subject: time to start...fresh.
PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2014 9:25 pm 
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It has been a long time since I truly looked at my life as an addict from the beginning to where I am now...which now, is a fresh start...
I first had an experience with opiates when I was 15 years old. I accidentally brought 2 left rollerblades with me to a roller skating place that I went to with a friend. I absolutely loved roller blading. I almost just sat on the side and watched as everyone else had fun but I decided to give roller skates a shot. I was awful. Not to mention the fact that they put the stops on the front of roller skates instead of on the back like my blades. This is where I failed. A little kid that was skating in front of me had fallen...Instead of falling over him and possibly hurting him more, I decided to break. And forgot that I was not on rollerblades and went to use the back stop and there wasn't one. So I flew back and landed on my left wrist. I knew right away something was wrong. Anyway, my wrist was broken and I was put in a cast and given hydrocodone. Now at 15 I had maybe drank once. And didn't get drunk. And I had smoked pot maybe a handful of times and it never led me to wanting to try other drugs. But after the first day of taking this pain medication, I was in love. I felt confident, relaxed and never bored. But I only did it once in awhile between then and graduating highschool.
It was after graduating that I ended up in a world with friends who could get it so easily. So it progressively became a habit. A habit of Vicoden, Oxycodone and jumped right into Heroin.My first experience with Heroin was because a girl I knew had left it on the back of a toilet in a bathroom we shared at a hotel that we worked/lived in. My first thought wasn't "oh no I should not do this" It was more like "I can not wait to try this."
I eventually left the hotel and moved to Pittsburgh to be with a guy I had fallen in love with. He was in a band and of course a heroin user. We used together and apart. We both knew we needed to get clean but seemed to try to when the other was still using. It was a viscous cycle. I eventually devastated my family by telling them what was going on but assured them I was seeking help. I tried to get into an inpatient facility but the beds were full for months. So I ended up at an outpatient. where I met a girl who was in the program because one night she realized she only had 13 bags of dope left and didn't think it was enough for the morning. So she got in her jeep and drove, high as ever, to her dealer to get more. On her way to him she faded out behind the wheel and hit a tree going over 50mph, and was ejected from her jeep. Her and I developed a friendship. One that eventually led to us using together and going to NA meetings high. Eventually I dived so deep into the addiction again. I had also gotten my roommate and friend to use with me as well and was watching them spiral out of control as well. I stepped back and knew I needed help. badly. I was a monster.
So I got my father to buy me a bus ticket back to upstate NY to try and get clean. My family barely recognized me. I was skin and bones. I was a very sad, unhappy and sick 20 year old...
I made it about 6 hours before I begged my friend to mail me some stamps in a birthday card. My mom even pulled it from the mailbox and handed it to me. If she only knew. I spent the next 6 hours hiding in my room. Eventually I had to clean up. And I did so for about 8 months. Used again until I was about 21...got clean....met a guy and moved to CT with him and stayed clean our whole relationship. While we were together he passed away in a terrible accident. I had a hard time coping. I started using again but not as heavy as the many times before. I was about 26 at this time. eventually I fell in love again. With the man I am married to today. I got clean completely when I found out I was pregnant with our first child in 2007....then I started using again about May of 2008. I came clean to my husband and he helped me get clean in January of 2011. just in time for the pregnancy of our 2nd child who was born in November of 2011....by January of 2012 I was using again. Mostly fentanyl patches,oxys,and oxycodones. Today I am 33 years old (has it really been going on this long?) and As of June 9, 2014 I have been on suboxone. I am determined to not repeat the past. My children deserve better. although I was a "functional addict" I was still an addict. my kids deserve the best of me all the time. and so does my husband.
I can not and will not live that life anymore. I am going to win this. although I am only a week in... I feel so hopeful this time around. this is my first time seeking help to stay clean. in all these years. and it feels really good to have such a positive outlook on the future instead of here we go again...can I do this? yes. I definitely can. Time to start...fresh!


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2014 10:00 pm 
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Hey Tone, and Welcome to our forum of recovery!

Your story is a sad tale but not an unfamiliar one. Once an addict, always an addict. Keep up that great attitude and you'll be just fine. Don't even think about the future concerning Suboxone. Just enjoy having your life back and go day by day.

Isn't it great that there is finally a medication to help us? The old routine of using, w/d's, black and white sobriety, depression, then using again to feel alive. A vicious circle we've all been in. At least now we can plan our futures w/o worrying where the next fix is coming from.

Glad to have you with us,

rule

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Don't take yourself so damn seriously


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
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