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 Post subject: So Thrilled to Be Here!
PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 1:35 pm 
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Hello All ~
I have been on suboxones since March 19th -- in fact yesterday marked my 9th week off any drugs. I am a mom, with 2 children and a husband. My kids are 13 and 10 -- they are awesome.... I have this great life -- so why the drugs? I keep asking myself this question every day.... But I have to say that being on suboxone is just so awesome. I truly believe that it acts as an anti-depressant. I abused painkillers for 10 years and being on the subs seems to make me feel really happy.

I have a doctor, a therapist and I am now really diving into this forum. I am a little intimidated by every one here which I am embarrassed to admit! It just seems like everyone has great advice to give and seem so, well, with it! Like you have everything together. What's your secret?

So I am going to work on not feeling so intimidated..... I do have some issues with the subs which I am going to post on the other sections as I realize this is just supposed to be a hello. Thank you so much for listening. I am really looking forward to the chat on the 24th..........

Best, FAD


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PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 2:18 pm 
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Welcome fad, I too am a mother of two boys. I have to be honest when I say I don't know if I would have stopped if I didn't have them. The guilt at times was unbearable.

I am so glad you are here. I was like you at first, intimidated and I didn't post anything because I thought "What do I have to say to people". I have found that often times my posts are just as much for myself as for others. There is something definitely therapeutic about connecting with others that understand. And the people and moderators here are definitely caring, understanding people.

Congratulations on your 2months + with suboxone. I hope to hear a lot more from you in the future!

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Promise me you will always remember...You are braver than you believe, you are stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think!

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PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 2:25 pm 
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Welcome, FAD and thanks for the introduction. I hope this forum helps as much in your recovery as it has in mine. I think everyone who's new to a forum are a bit intimidated or even just shy. But we're so glad you're here. Keep posting and we'll see you at the meeting on Monday.

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PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 4:33 pm 
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Thanks so much! I already feel less intimidated.... After I posted, I thought rats! I neglected to say that I have been lurking for some time.. That I have wanted to reach out and say something....... I did post a few things but immediately thought -- well that was dumb.... No one says that! I am very hard on myself......

I also neglected to say that the subs saved my life, saved my marriage and saved my children from growing up with out a mother! I feel so horrible thinking about how for the past 10 years I have been stoned or searching for drugs the entire time they have been alive! Wow -- that makes me sick to think of ..... Even now I say -- oh they didn't notice, and are fine..... But that isn't really true and something that I desperately need to explore and come to terms with.... I mean my husband didn't notice so why should my kids? But I am sure that they looked at me funny as I searched through my room looking for the stash that I saved.... Or wondered why I was "sick" or SO happy when I was high! AGH....

The interesting thing about my addiction is that I never really lost anything -- my marriage, my kids, my house, money, etc.... because I had a doctor who trusted me completely. I was appalled when I called him a few months ago to tearfully tell him that I was at a baby shower and someone had stolen all 120 of the 10 mgs. of percocets that I had just gotten from him 7 days ago! Yeah really I just took them all..... Wow..... I mean, he was so gullible. I had to convince him that I didn't need the 75 mg. Fentanyl patch anymore (I really thought I was going to kill myself then) and that the 120 pills and the valium that he was giving me on a monthly basis was enough! I still cringe when I think about it. I am lucky to be alive with my liver in tact..... I am also lucky that I didn't lose my fantastic job when I ordered tramadol online from work to get me from month to month! AGH..... Really, I am just so grateful for some many things!

Thanks so much for listening. I am going to really make an effort to not worry about what people will think about what I am writing..... LOL -- I am already worried.... But I am sending this anyway. Thanks and have a good night. FAD


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 Post subject: Welcome!!
PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 12:54 pm 
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Fad - Welcome to the forum. I too am a father of two children one is two years old and the other is six. I too felt guilty about what I was doing. It was mentioned to me to put the bat down already and stop beating yourself up. The past is over and you are doing the right thing now and that's all that matters. For me, I am learning to live in the moment and wake up each day and just do the same thing over again. Continue doing the right thing and you will be there for your family more than ever now. I fully understand what you mean about Suboxone working as an anti-depression, I feel the same exact way. I've been on Suboxone for "Addition Remission" for about five months now - life just keeps getting better! I also see a therapist every three weeks, I find this does wonders to find out "Why the drugs" in the first place. My therapist is a specialist with addiction. Anyways, I'm just so happy your have found the forum and Suboxone is working well for you. Enjoy being free! Keep posting!! SuperBuper


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PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 3:05 pm 
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Hi FAD! WOW! You and I sound so much alike. Our addict habits, they way we think, our gullible dr's. Wow, so much. When I first REALLY started getting addicted, in the months before I lost my job b/c of my addiction (you can read about it in my intro, it's a long story) I had the most gullible/understanding dr ever. I had worked with him in family practice, i was an MA and he just basically wrote me anything I asked for whenever. I told so many lies about lost scripts and stolen ones. ugh. And then my children seeing me sick on a regular basis whenever I was in withdrawal. I think about it all the time if they knew something was off and even now they see me taking sub and they know when mommy takes her medication she can't talk for a bit so it can dissolve. I hate they even know I take pills at all. WIll that make them more curious or more willing to experiment with drugs? I worry every day about the effect I have had on my children. I also think about all the time I wasted worrying about pills or being sick when I could have been playing with them. I have a lot of things to work through still as you can see. lol. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? Im 29.


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PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 3:17 pm 
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Hi RTLmom,
I am 48 years old!!!! AGH... I feel so old.... Not really though. I often say to others that I still feel like I am in my 20's -- which is probably why my story sounds so much like yours... hahahaha So I am wondering -- what is an MA? I am going to go over and read your story....

Thanks so much to all for saying hi! It makes me feel so much better..... I can't even begin to explain how great I feel and how happy I am to not be using drugs anymore. I can't believe that I have gone 9 weeks with out anything and I am so very proud....

I look forward to being with all of you! Thank you!

Best, FAD


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PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 3:25 pm 
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MA= Medical Asst. Same thing as a nurse (we give shots, draw blood, take vitals, etc) but we don't get paid nearly as much cause we don't go to school for as long. But, Im not allowed to work in the medical field while on probation for my screw up with the pills. Ugh, I hate myself sometimes. I really miss working as a med. asst.


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 Post subject: Taking the meds
PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 9:20 pm 
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RTLMOM - Sorry to hop in on your conversation you said something that caught my eye.... Quoted below

" I think about it all the time if they knew something was off and even now they see me taking sub and they know when mommy takes her medication she can't talk for a bit so it can dissolve. I hate they even know I take pills at all. "


I too have the same issue and don't like dosing in front of my kids. For me, I always get up earlier than the kids do and dose first thing in the AM while in bed. If the kids are up, I generally hop in the shower and dose then. I worried at first about water getting in my mouth but you can create a seal with your lips just by keeping your mouth closed. Just a thought. It really is hard sometimes with the kids around but I try my best to handle dosing when they are not around... But that's just me... have a good one! SuperBuper


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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 4:57 pm 
Hi again FAD. I replied to one of your other posts on a different thread last week. I'm glad to see you are participating in the forum. You surely don't need to feel intimidated. We are all in the same boat here! I'm glad that you are one of the lucky ones whose addiction to opiates didn't end up costing you dearly. Had you not taken the initiative and sought out treatment...that may not have been true much longer. I'm sure you are most grateful that you started Suboxone before things got worse. As far as the guilt and shame.....you're sure in good company there as well! We all feel it and for me, it is one of the biggest things I have to overcome. As you know if you've read many of my posts, my addiction did cost me dearly and the shame of what I did is overwhelming at times. But....we have to continually try to forgive ourselves and move on. Staying in the shame of it all will not allow us to make good ground in our recovery.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 10:07 am 
RLTmom....I meant to ask you also....You mentioned being on probation. Are you on probation in terms of your certification as an MA, or are you on probation, as in legally, through the court system? And are there terms in place like going into treatment, random drug screens, etc that you must meet in order to go back to work?
Even if you never return to work in the medical field, I hope you're able to believe that your recovery, your life, you-as a wife and mother and a worthwhile human being are more important than the lost career, lost income, wasted education, and so forth. I have to work at drilling that belief into my own head every day! But it is hard and it takes time. It sure helps that you have the support of your family!

FAD - Still doing well? By the way.....You and I are about the same age, although I can't say I feel like I'm in my 20s like you can!! Actually it depends upon the day.....some days I feel young and energetic and other days I feel like I'm every bit of 46! One good thing that being in recovery has done, is given me the extra push to get more healthy. I've always been in good physical shape and in good health, so I've never worried about eating right and working out. Being in recovery, especially with tapering off bupe, has forced me to take a closer look at my health and well-being. I'm probaby eating better and for sure, am getting more exercise than ever before. Hopefully, that will help me feel younger!! Amazing how fast the years go by, isn't it?!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 11:38 am 
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Again, thanks to all who have taken the time to write! I really appreciate it. I look forward to being here for a long time.... I continue to do well..... Still on a higher than average dose, 24 mgs a day, but that is okay for me right now. I will work on reducing in a few months after I feel more confident on the subs. I am not going to rock the boat right now.

Thanks all... Peace, FAD


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 1:43 pm 
Hi Fad, I really identify with you, too. I have two wonderful kids and a great life and I often wonder why I'm a drug addict. I honestly think I was born this way. My very first high was the "one is too many and 1000 never enough". I never really lost anything either, but I felt so guilty about the way I was around my kids. I also took a ton of tramadol when I couldn't get the good stuff and to tell you the truth that nasty stuff is what ended me. Anyway, I'm glad you're doing well and you found us. I spend a lot of time here and it's like a meeting for me.

RTLMom - Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you are an asset to your medical office, and if you decide to become a nurse later, after all the bs is over, you will. Our forties aren't what they were when our mothers were 40.

Take care all,
Lilly


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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 1:48 pm 
Sorry RTLmom - it was FAD who said she was 48. You have TONS of time to move on with your career!


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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 4:09 pm 
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Hi Lilly,
Yes I am the 48 year old and am not in the medical field. RTLmom is 29 and has plenty of time to get back into her career! I can't believe that there are so many people like me! It is really great to see that I am not alone.... It is really difficult for me to know that I am a drug addict and also a mom. The two just don't go together in my world... But that is the world I am in, if you know what I mean?

I just have so much guilt and sadness surrounding my addiction and my kids. And while they don't know about my addiction and I can't decide if I am going to tell them or not -- I know that they were damaged by it in some way. I am hoping that it wasn't terrible. I mean, we have/had a stable home environment.... There is no craziness going on..... We all eat dinner together every night, I'm a member of the executive board for the PTA, my kids have outside activities - swimming, baseball, basketball... They have friends over.... and birthday parties..... But it was all while I was high on percs/tramadol..... I worry about how this was for them for the past 10 years..... They are both honor students..... AGH. It just drives me crazy.....

Thanks very much for your support! FAD


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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 7:06 pm 
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Well, excuse me, I meant MA's and nurses do the same *things* with out going into paragraphs of explanations. If you were working in the same office as I was, we would have been doing the same job.
I actually did go to school (an associates program) and worked very hard to keep a 3.8 GPA in that program to become a medical asst. I also took a test to pass to become one. While I didn't go to school for as long as an RN, or take as many tests, I still worked very hard to get where I was at.

As for the probation I meant legal probation through the county. I',m not suspended from my certification or anything, but I was told by the court as long as I'm on probation not to work in the medical field. Although, Im sure if I was offered a job my probation officer would allow me to do so. But at his point, I have no desire.

Super Buper- that is what I have been trying to do lately. I TRY to wake up early to dose (LOL), or I wait till my boys get on the bus then dose.


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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 8:09 pm 
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Oh dear. I am so sorry that my post has turned into this! I had a bad feeling about the response from Setmefree over what, as far as I saw, was just an innocent answer from RLTmom on what an MA does..... I honestly don't think RLT's answer warranted the response from Setmefree. That was something that one puts in a personal message and not something for everyone to see. I wondered when I read it what Setmefree was trying to accomplish? It certainly made me feel bad.... WOW....

With that said, I certainly hope that my "Hello, I am thrilled to be here" doesn't end badly......And to think that I was really worried about sounding stupid just a few days ago! LOL I think we are all trying to get to the same point, and being harsh doesn't help anyone. On the bright side, I am moving into my 10th week of drug free and I am so, very happy.......

Peace, FAD


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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 9:34 pm 
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I really hesitate to get involved in this, but yet here I am typing away. Until my addiction I too worked in the medical field but neither as an RN or NA so I have no personal horse in this race. I did, however, often have to be involved in explaining to the lay public the differences between the large number of medical providers that are out there - from techs to therapists, to practitioners, etc. In the end it often matters most to those directly involved in the profession. I can certainly see a quick comment of saying an MA is like an RN just to give someone some sort of idea what it is. However, it seems to go past that when I see a comment like "If you were working in the same office as I was, we would have been doing the same job." If that were the case, why then have two different job titles and descriptions? For that matter, you could then say that an RN and a doctor do the "same job". The reason there are MDs, RNs, and MA, is because they DO NOT do the same job. There are vast differences in the jobs. Again, in my prior life working within all of this, I very often found that it was not until someone took the next step and moved to a higher level of provider that they truly understood that they did not do the same job. In other words, an RN might think that he/she did the same job as a doctor, until they became a doctor after which they could much more clearly see the differences. If an MA should decide to become an RN one day they too will much more clearly see the difference between the two.

Again, I really am not looking to get in the middle of this. I do, however, want to say that from my experience, there is a very good reason for all of the vastly different levels and titles of healthcare providers out there - and that is because each performs a specific and somewhat unique function and role and each has their place within the overall healthcare system. In that, one is not like the other and again, if they were, there would be no need for separate titles and job functions. I also want to say that each is a key component to quality healthcare. Take away the MAs and we would all be in a world of shit - and pay even higher prices for our healthcare - not to mention have a lower level quality of care. I don't see one being inferior to the other - just different. And that's what it seems to me SetMeFree was trying to point out.


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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 9:45 pm 
FAD.....You certainly don't deserve to feel bad. All you did was ask RLTmom what an "MA" was.
As to what I "was trying to accomplish?" Very simple answer.....and I thought I made it pretty clear in my post....to clarify the misinformation that you were given by RLTmom.
Her answer was "MA= Medical Asst. Same thing as a nurse (we give shots, draw blood, take vitals, etc) but we don't get paid nearly as much cause we don't go to school for as long."
That comment would be pretty much the same thing as me saying this: RN=Registered Nurse. Same thing as a doctor (we write orders, do physical assessments, take health histories, do invasive procedures on patients, participate in surgery, write plans of care for patients, educate and obtain informed consent, write discharge care plans, etc) "but we don't get paid nearly as much cause we don't go to school for as long."
For me to say something like that would indicate that I do not feel the proper respect for the doctor, his education and training, the liability and responsibility his title carries, or his place in the chain of command that is present in any healthcare organization.
At the beginning of that post I clearly stated that I meant no offense to anyone....that I simply wanted to set the record straight. As to why I didn't do it in a PM - I also did it this way because I think there is a lot of confusion among the general public about who their healthcare providers really are.....there are so many different initials following names, it gets confusing.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed May 26, 2010 12:19 am 
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1. Hi FAD! Welcome! I am glad you decided to post even though you feel a bit intimidated. I think a lot of us feel that way at first and then as time goes on, you become more comfortable and realize a lot of people DO really appreciate what you say. Even when you just offer a little support or encouragement that in your mind, anyone could have offered. But the point becomes that YOU were the one who took the time and cared enough to do it. You never know when one small thing YOU say actually helps someone get through the day or helps them understand themselves better, or just helps them feel less alone. So everything you have to say is very important to someone....no matter how insignificant it may seem to you. I have had 7 people respond to a post just saying something like "I support you" and having all those people say that has made a real difference even though they are all saying basically the same thing. We all like to feel like we aren't alone.

So I am glad you are here. I am glad you posted. I hope you stick around.

2. In terms of the secondary topic which has popped up here, I feel compelled to say something. donh is right when he says it really seems to matter more to those who are in the field than everyone else. The distinctions SMF pointed out are important. In fact, if a doctor has an MA and not an RN helping in the office, it is actually not ethically appropriate (in WA state) for that person to refer to themselves as a Nurse. It would be like me claiming to be a lawyer or a doctor.

HOWEVER

I think the innocent comment made to give a simple and understandable response in this thread that it was basically the same thing as a nurse but less school, is true. Most doctor's offices have stopped hiring RN's and have instead decided to hire MA's to room patients and take vitals and schedule consults, etc. So they ARE doing the same "job" to some extent. Nurses are qualified to do more than that and they do more than that in many settings.
I am done commenting now. Thanks! And again.....welcome FAD!

Cherie


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