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PostPosted: Sun Aug 09, 2015 5:16 pm 
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Hey everyone,

I'm wondering how all of you are doing. Not just the people who are struggling through withdrawal, but us steady dosers too. I want to know what struggles you've gone through in the last year. They don't have to be the struggle of a life time or the subject of a country music song (ya know, my dog done died and my pick up truck fell apart.) Just whatever you want to get off your chest. And after you lay out what you need to, say a kind word to each other too.

There is sometimes so much nastiness in the world that we need a soft place to fall. Let's make this thread such a place.

Me: I've had a lot of ups and downs this past year. I just had an aunt die last month and last fall my 49 year old step brother died. I've been trying so hard to pay off debt and then it seems that something else comes along to suck up more money. My husband doesn't know about all the debt and it puts tension into our marriage. Last month we found out that he has prostate cancer. Now, he has the slightest case of prostate cancer that a person can have, apparently, so that's good. He also needs to have his rotator cuff rebuilt, which will put him on medical leave so that he doesn't make as much money.

Most of the time I'm fine and I'm not feeling overwhelmed, but sometimes I do. I'm blessed with a loving son, husband, and extended family. I figured out that I'm not in over my head in graduate school for Addiction Studies, so that's good. My son, who is a 17 year old junior in high school, wants nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, so I'm extremely grateful for that. And because my husband has two grown kids from a previous marriage, I get to be a Gammy at a fairly young age (44).

I want you all to know that even if I don't remember every detail about every member, I care about all of you. Your problems mean something to me and I get that some people don't think anyone online could care about their problems, but I do. It doesn't mean that I can necessarily help or that I can provide comfort, but I will certainly try. If I'm too overwhelmed myself to take anything else on, I know that others here will offer support.

So come here if you need to or even if you don't. You're as welcome to share blessings as you are to share anything else.

There's a poem that used to hang in my great aunt's guest room. Now it hangs at my house:

You are welcome here,
Be at your ease.
Get up when you're ready,
Go to bed when you please.
Happy to share with you such as we've got,
The leaks in the roof and the soup in the pot.
You don't have to thank us or laugh at our jokes.
Sit deep and come often, you're one of the folks.


I hope you feel that way when you're on this thread. -Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 09, 2015 9:11 pm 
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That was so very nice to read Amy. Humans, as a race, have a tendency to find complaints in everything. It is easier to hate and judge than to love and have compassion for others.

My year has been good. Being retired has ramped up my lifestyle to the point of needing more time on vacation. Meaning, I've taken on two part time jobs and do all the work around the house because my wife works almost full time. So I shop, run errands, clean the house, garden, and cook our dinners, which I do because I enjoy it. I do everything because I enjoy it. But being on vacation last week made me slow down and relax. It was then that I realized how busy I've made my life. Like Amy, we have debt too and it causes strife also. Trying to save for vacations and pay down the debt too is hard. But I shouldn't complain. Like I said, it's a human nature thing.

Being in the "I'm not supposed to be here club" does help me stay grateful. For those who weren't here in '12, I went through an oral cancer ordeal and came out alive. Let's all hope Amy's husband has the kind of cancer that can be left alone.

Do I think about getting off Suboxone? Yes and no. I think about it mostly due to reading the threads here from all of you. When I'm ready it will happen. The only thing I don't like is the feeling of being tired and dependent on a substance.

We are at the time of our lives where the drama has ended. No kids at home and the one I do have is doing alright. The only real needs I have are actually wants. I would like to have more money to pay off bills, and enough to buy a brand new Indian motorcycle. Other than those two, life is good. All I need to do to be grateful is to look at all the homeless we have in our city who are mostly homeless due to drug and alcohol addiction. That, or mental illness. My heart goes out to them.

Take care all my cyber friends.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2015 11:58 am 
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Thanks Amy, I like the idea of ppl just sharing a bit about themselves that's not always suboxone related. Also, I wish ur hubby well and hope for a full recovery.

Well this past year has definitely had it's struggles. I'm going through custody issues that I don't discuss very much. My boyfriend of over four years has had some heart issues that's really alerted us to just how unpredictable life can be. In October while he was half across the United States from me for work, he had a heart attack and was in the hospital. He had blockages that also had to be fixed. So after recovery, he was good. Around May, we found out he had more blockages and had to have several stents put in to correct it. He's only 35 btw.

This man is the best guy I could have ever found. He's so incredibly good to me and my children. He's not an addict and has stuck by me through my recovery and before when I was in active addiction. I'm 100% certain that I will spend the rest of my life with him, so the thought of something happening to him is unimaginable.

Also, like everyone else, have financial issues that could definitely be better and struggle with the fact that I'm paying around 600 a month on my sub treatment. But unfortunately that's the way it goes, nothing is free I guess. But ya know, I'm happy and I'm at peace in my recovery, how can I put a price on that?

I truly try my very best to look at each and every day as a blessing and not take anything for granted. I remember when life was horrible and I'm thankful for today. I'm grateful for this forum and to know there's ppl just like me here. I'm grateful for everyone's support, and I will be here for anyone that needs me!! Have a wonderful day everyone :)

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 4:21 pm 
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I love your outlook, Jen. I really think that the way people react to life makes a huge difference in how much they reinforce either positivity or negatively in their lives. Do you know what I mean? It's like how much gratitude people show is connected with how much they feel blessed themselves.

Your boyfriend must have a genetic component to his heart disease! People just don't have heart attacks at 35 without family history of heart problems. Poor guy! I'm glad he's getting it fixed now. Did he lose any heart function from the heart attack? My step brother who died last fall had a heart attack in 2011 and then other heart events that left him with about 25% heart function. He was a musician and he didn't have health insurance so he never went to the doctor regularly. I think he got insurance right before he died of another heart attack. I do know he didn't take care of himself very well.

My dad, on the other hand, had to have a few stents put in in his 60s. He is now 73 and really takes care of himself and hasn't had problems since. My mom died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism 13 years ago September 3rd. I'm one of those weirdos who didn't develop addiction until my mid 30s, after I lost my mom. My father also acted like a crazy person, dating everyone, getting engaged to a Ukranian bride who died before he could marry her, such a roller coaster of emotion! I considered my family pretty normal when I was growing up and we were a loving family. But my mom's death threw us into a tailspin and we all reacted or acted out differently.

I'm glad, Jenn, that there are some things that you can talk openly about to the group. You give so much to others on this forum that I am glad when there are things we can support you on.

I want to respond to Rule's post too some other time. One thing is for sure. He has been a rock for me on this forum. He is a constant for me here and I lean on him all the time, even when he doesn't know it. :)

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 10:29 pm 
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Great thread Amy! We get to know each other better and venting feels good.

So in the past twelve months my life has taking me places I never would have imagined! One year ago on August 7, 2014 I got custody of my then 5 month grandson. I was completely surprised and was not prepared at all. CPS, bless there hearts (I say that with sarcasm) gave me a playpen thing for him to sleep in and the baby and then they left. We went to court once a month from August to January 2015 where basically nothing happened. I would have a panic attack every court date worrying they would put him in foster care. That's what his birth mother wanted. So cruel and cold! I only had temporary custody until January, then I got permanent custody. I work FT so I had to find daycare and a whole new routine. Somehow I did it and now that my son (his dad) lives with me things are a bit easier.

Watching this baby grow over this past year has been a true blessing! I smile more then I have in years and get amazing hugs and kisses from him. I love him so deeply, he is like my own child. It really was a crazy time but so worth it.

On August 8, 2015 I lost a very good friend. It was totally unexpected. I was blessed to have spoken to him the day he passed. When I called him that night to see if his "migraine " was better, his son answered his phone and told me he found him around 7 pm already gone. He is very close to his dad and went to his house because he wasn't answering his phone. He was only 54.

So those are two major life changes.

Amy, has been an amazing friend to me this past year! When she says she cares about the members here she really means it!


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 11:42 pm 
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Tiki congratulations on custody of ur grandson! I am so sorry to hear u lost ur friend, I know that's gotta be very tough.

Amy, to answer ur questions, no he wasn't left with any heart damage thank God. I'm not sure about family history but when he was 14, he had a tumor in his chest which was treated with chemo and radiation along with having the tumor cut out. He swears that has been the reason for his heart problems. But of course that's just pure speculation.

Something else u said Amy that stood out to me is how u didn't become addicted til ur 30's......me too!! I think I was around 31-32 when I started abusing opiates. I went through a horrible divorce and made a lot of awful choices. I'm sorry to hear about ur brother and mother also, bless ur heart.

Thanks again to everyone at this forum, it's definitely been a life line for me. Best support I could've asked for!!!!! :)

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 1:37 pm 
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This past year has been my best year ever. I have been on subs now for the second time for about 18 months. This time around I stopped drinking and smoking and joined a gym. I am strong believer in swapping one habit with another GOOD HABIT. So the drinking anf smoking habit was dropped and replaced with working out at the gym.

I feel healthy and strong and lucky. I was in a car wreck a couple of weeks ago and my car was totaled but i walked away unscathed.

I feel so lucky that i was not injured.


I consider myself a lifer on subs. i just feel like a new (non addict) person on them.
I would only hope that they were a little cheaper to get but I am not going to complain too much considering the type of cash i would drop on pills.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:29 pm 
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Well, so much for sunshine beaming out of my arse. The shit hit the fan two days ago when I returned back from vacation. I couldn't log into my work website to get my schedule.

After several emails and two phone voicemails the president calls me back. When I asked about my schedule she said I don't work there anymore. Why? Because the last class I conducted I didn't have time to review it beforehand. She knew I have two jobs and I told her their company comes first, just say the word. As my boss she should have scheduled me to sit through her class a week prior. But she didn't and said I should have reviewed it on my own time. Once again, they want work with no pay.

What I think really happened was that I don't really need to review any driving class, all the information is the same except in the order given. I don't think she liked my confidence. It was only the first 5 minutes of the PowerPoint that was new to me and I got through that just fine. I think she was intimidated by me. She has fired every single employee the owner hired since they opened a year ago. Some were justified, some not. She spent countless hours complaining to me about all the problems they caused but never gave any clues about my performance. Mostly it was my correcting her mistakes the last six months. How does a person get a Masters Degree in HR without knowing how to spell or type out a correct english sentence? The other 3 classes I conducted I was embarrassed beyond words on how many errors there were in the PowerPoint she made. When I made her aware of them she didn't seem hurt but I must have mis-judged. The owner is going to call me today and we'll chat. I'll take the blame for not being prepared but the class went smooth and ended on time. Whatever happened to a warning first? There must be something else she doesn't want to tell me. She is a nice woman who is working herself into an early grave. 18 hour days/7 days a week. Was I a threat? Whatever. We old school folks have no problem finding jobs so that is not my worry. I've just never been fired from a job before.

It didn't end there. Coming home the same day after dropping off my wife at work, I changed lanes (with plenty of room) but then made a hard right turn where the car behind me didn't like it I guess. He followed inches from my rear bumper and I could see he was a gang member wearing a bandana and driving a lowered black Buick. I slowed down to 25 in a 35 mph zone but he stayed behind me. When I went to go in my security gate he tailgated me through. By this time I had my .38 in my hand ready for a shootout. Instead of stopping I did the right thing and called 911 to report him. He saw me on the phone and turned around and sped away. You have no idea how many thoughts went through my head during those 8 minutes. I knew I could out shoot him but didn't want to go through any legal issues. Plus, he might have gotten lucky and hit me too. During those minutes I had worked out every scenario possible in my mind and none were good except to get the police out there quick. One day I'm basking in the Blue Lagoon in Iceland and the next I'm inches from a shoot out with a gang member. Life is so very fragile. His karma will take care of his behavior.

So that was my day last Tuesday. This town is a cesspool of criminals and homeless. In a few years we'll make it back to California and rent. Thank my lucky stars I have a conceal carry permit. With luck, I'll never have to use it.

Rule62

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 6:02 pm 
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jennjenn wrote:
Tiki congratulations on custody of ur grandson! I am so sorry to hear u lost ur friend, I know that's gotta be very tough.

Amy, to answer ur questions, no he wasn't left with any heart damage thank God. I'm not sure about family history but when he was 14, he had a tumor in his chest which was treated with chemo and radiation along with having the tumor cut out. He swears that has been the reason for his heart problems. But of course that's just pure speculation.

Something else u said Amy that stood out to me is how u didn't become addicted til ur 30's......me too!! I think I was around 31-32 when I started abusing opiates. I went through a horrible divorce and made a lot of awful choices. I'm sorry to hear about ur brother and mother also, bless ur heart.

Thanks again to everyone at this forum, it's definitely been a life line for me. Best support I could've asked for!!!!! :)


I was 31 when my mom died overnight of a pulmonary emobolus to her lungs. My father, a minister mind you, was not only immediately inundated by baked goods from church widows, but started dating through match.com within 6 weeks of her death. The last time I had seen them together was 2 years prior and he was being so mean to her and saying critical things, so that was my lasting impression of how he had treated her, even though she told me it had gotten better since then.

The father roller coaster included three engagements, one to a Ukranian bride who died of cancer before he could bring her to the US, one who rejected him for telling her that she had to stay below a certain weight if they got married, and one who he finally married 4 years after my mom's death.

(She agreed with him that she should stay thin and used to go on about trans fat and how horrible it is that we're not all thin. And this despite the fact that she had high cholesterol due to genetics. Tragically, it was her son who died this past fall. After his first heart attack she didn't criticize my mom anymore for what she allowed us to eat.)

He was also cruel to my great aunt who had moved in with him and my mom six weeks before she died. I had so much anger towards him that numbing myself around him seemed like a good idea. So that's where it started, maybe a couple years after her death, with my aunt's big old bottle of percocet and more where that came from if she needed it. They don't live near me, so it was occasional at first. It took a while for me to con a pain doctor into thinking I needed it 24/7. That was March of 2010 and I started recovery in Sept/Oct 2011. (I ratted myself out in September and started suboxone on October 16, 2011.)

Of course, I've dealt with all of this in therapy since then, but the real milestone came when my dad asked my sister why I was so emotionally distant from him. He finally got it, and in December 2013 he called me and completely apologized with no defensiveness for how he been wrong and hurt me because of his bitter disappointment in marrying someone who became morbidly obese. He acknowledged his own role in giving me an unrealistic picture of how I should not be "like my mother!" The slate is wiped clean.

I'm so glad because I missed my dad so much. I'm extremely grateful that he is more fully in my life now. I'm still overly sensitive with him about weight issues, but I try not to be. He used to point out fat people with disgust around me on a regular basis. Now neither he nor his wife bring up anything even close. The thing is I'm not skinny. I will never weigh close to my mom's weight, (and I wasn't sexually abused by an alcoholic father like she was either). The thing is that there didn't used to be a disconnect with my dad that he could get disgusted with fat people he didn't know, but couldn't see how that affected me who is also overweight, whom he loved to pieces. That was always the weird part. That he couldn't see how offensive and weird it was for him to do that while telling me that I was beautiful and he loved me so much. I'm so thankful that he took off the blinders.

Well, that was longer than I expected it to be! Sorry! Now you guys know a lot more about me and my background, but I am fortunate in that I can live as an open book in my regular life. Obviously it tends to spill into my online life.

I have a lot of empathy for all different kinds of people because the same father who was very imperfect also taught me to look at the motivations behind a person's actions. To look beneath the surface front that people put on and notice the insecurities and weaknesses that all of us have. Even though he taught me that, I have a weakness when it comes to protecting my friends, online or otherwise, so I get belligerent when my forum members get kicked when they're down.

Amy

Jeezum! Blah, blah, blah....

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 6:09 pm 
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raudy1975 wrote:
This past year has been my best year ever. I have been on subs now for the second time for about 18 months. This time around I stopped drinking and smoking and joined a gym. I am strong believer in swapping one habit with another GOOD HABIT. So the drinking anf smoking habit was dropped and replaced with working out at the gym.

I feel healthy and strong and lucky. I was in a car wreck a couple of weeks ago and my car was totaled but i walked away unscathed.

I feel so lucky that i was not injured.


I consider myself a lifer on subs. i just feel like a new (non addict) person on them.
I would only hope that they were a little cheaper to get but I am not going to complain too much considering the type of cash i would drop on pills.


Raudy, I think that's the best we can hope for! You know how when we initially start sub and stop feeling obsessed over pills, H, whatever? How hard it is to think of anything fun to replace the time and effort we devoted to drugs? We do need to develop something to replace that! For a while I was shopping online like a crazy person! Getting involved in a gym or an exercise program is so much healthier!!

You're a great example for someone who is newly using bupe for their recovery! My online shopping, not so much. :) I'm very happy for you that everything is going well! I was hoping you would come here and comment.

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 6:39 pm 
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Hey Rule,

I'm beyond sorry to hear about your employment and other woes! I think everyone has been in a situation that they didn't think they were treated fairly in the working world. I am appalled that our educational system can turn out a person with a masters degree that cannot use English properly. A person shouldn't be able to get out of high school if they aren't able to master the basics.

I would like to add that I don't judge people by their grammar, vocab, spelling, etc, particularly on an online forum like this. I used to dislike text-speak, but my fondness for members that use it makes me less worried about it. The only thing I flat-out can't stand is when someone writes a huge block of speech with no punctuation and no capital letters. My mind just tends to reject that. Anyway, I definitely don't want this thread to be about my pet peeves. :)

But I understand, Rule, how that would be annoying in a work place environment, especially when she is firing you for no actual valid reason!! You say that she overworks herself. Could she possibly have a sort of "martyr" personality who wants the company dependent on her to order to run? If she then feels threatened that another employee is very capable she fires them. Does that sound possible? Because it seems to me that she is shooting herself in the foot by constantly firing her employees and making her life harder.

I hate the thought of anyone firing you, or saying the first mean word to you! I know that you're not an angel and don't pretend to be, but you've been such a stabilizing figure in my life, without even trying, that I can't stand it when other people don't see your gifts. I hope that your conversation with the owner of the company goes well. Otherwise I would approach the competition who has probably heard about this boss many times before. You are just an exceptional person who shouldn't be abused/misused. And my opinion is important around here, right? ;)

Tiki, my friend, I've benefited just as much as you may have from my contact with you! You are a true blue friend who absolutely gives as much as you receive. You having a helping, caring heart, which is so obvious to those who receive your support and advice on the forum. I feel fortunate that I've gotten to know you. :)

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 8:13 pm 
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Amy, you continue to amaze me to no end. Putting yourself out there like you did took courage. Admitting you went to see a therapist is what should be spoken about more often. Most people, myself included, can always benefit from a good professional therapist. I've never been and should have gone many years ago when I struggled with self worth issues. And the story about your Dad put a big smile on my face.

Yes, the owner did call and through our conversation did see the light of my position. It's doubtful I'll go back to work there even if he offers. But I won't close any doors or burn bridges either.

People talk about getting fired and I never gave it any thought. Now that it's happened to me, well, it hurts. So now I guess I have empathy for those who've gone through it too.

The english language thing is just me being mad and ranting. Although what I said was true enough. It's not fair to blame any person who doesn't have a good grasp of the language, blame the educational system that failed them. I was sent to parochial school for 8 years and you did not move up a grade if you didn't master the grade you left. Many times I stayed after school getting it right over and over again under the watchful eye of a Catholic nun. Those old Irish nuns were no pushovers! I got picked on in elementary school for having big ears. That was probably due to them being pulled on a daily basis by the nuns! Luckily I grew into them.

Now I need to decide whether or not to find another job. My wife says no, she'll work full time instead. I'll give it a week and see what happens. Finding work here is not that hard if your record is clean like mine is.

And don't you ever leave this forum Amy. You and I are a team and we all count on you to keep me in line. :roll:

You and I will meet one of these summers when I'm not travelling the world. Every year before I retired I would drive up to my cabin in the mountains by you and do some reading and fishing. I haven't been there since 2010. One of these summers we'll chat over coffee. That would be sweet.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 9:33 pm 
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JennJenn

That must have been a really hard time when your BF had a heart attack at such a young age! IMO, you are a really good person. You post often and usually your post is like a hug lol. It's true.

I hope people can see you are normal again so whatever custody/legal issues can be easily resolved.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 9:36 pm 
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Randy

It was awesome to read your post! I am glad you made the decision to get back on sub. So nice to hear you are taking care of your body.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 9:42 pm 
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Rule

So you are busier than ever now that you retired. Lol. I hear that from most of my newly retired patients. Trying to schedule an appointment is crazy. All I hear is "can't do it, already over scheduled lol.
Enjoy your retirement.

I am sorry to hear about the gang member and your job. I was responding to your first post.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 2:44 pm 
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Tiki,

You and I have never really chatted. I've followed your posts here and have admiration for all the good stuff you say. In fact, there are several members here that deserve recognition but that would hurt feelings if I missed anyone by accident. Let me just say that this forum is a better place now that you're part of it.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 4:17 pm 
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Tiki

Thank you for all ur kind words and I really appreciate ur posts on this forum. I feel like this place and the ppl here are such a huge blessing in my life. I've learned so much just in the length of time I've been here. It really says so much about ur character that u changed ur whole life routine for ur grandson. He's a very lucky little man to have u. I see how ur so willing to help everyone u can and ur advice is always right on!

Amy

Ur story was very touching also. I never knew specific information on how ur addiction started. I can only imagine how overwhelming it must have been when ur mom passed and everything u had to deal with in the aftermath of that, especially with ur father. So glad to hear ur relationship with him is better and stronger. You've definitely been a great help to me on this forum.

Rule

U have definitely thanked me for being a posting member of this forum and that meant so much to me. I can tell what a good heart and soul u have. The company that let u go will come to regret losing u. Ppl with respect and dignity doesn't come along much these days, they lost one when they let u go. Also the scary gang member following u, glad u had a weapon to protect urself if it'd came to that. Life can change in an instant and we have to be prepared for anything.

I just wanted to thank everyone for being such a solid support in my life. I see lots of things as blessings and this is definitely one of mine!!!

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:09 pm 
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rule62 wrote:
Tiki,

You and I have never really chatted. I've followed your posts here and have admiration for all the good stuff you say. In fact, there are several members here that deserve recognition but that would hurt feelings if I missed anyone by accident. Let me just say that this forum is a better place now that you're part of it.

rule



Rule

Thank you! I am afraid to say anything else based on the grammar & spelling pet peeves you and Amy have. :lol: Just kidding


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2015 12:16 am 
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Tiki,

I have never brought up any members grammar here but will admit to fixing a word or two in the years past by editing a post. Not many. Just a few. And no one was the wiser. Except maybe Amy.

Anyway, I know you're just kidding. I am no spelling expert, just a bit better than some and would never tell anyone, ever.

r

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2015 1:29 pm 
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Hi All, Love this topic and the opportunity to share my story: at age 3 my father died in a car accident. At age 4 I was sexually molested by a male babysitter. I was raised by an alcholic mom who was emotionally and physically abusive. She has mental health issues and is now in recovery. Needless to say that I became a big, beautiful Social Worker! lol I had gastric bypass surgery ten years ago and lost over one hundred pounds. It is the best thing that I have done for myself after suboxone of course! Anyway, due to the surgery I don't handle alcohol well. So going out with friends one or two glasses of wine would be enjoyable and just enough but after the surgery alcohol just made me sick. That is how the pills started! A half of a perc or oxy was just like one or two glasses of wine. But then it started to take more and more! Throw in menopause and you have a big mess! One year ago I started on 24 mgs of sub. I am now down to 8. I don't know if I can go lower, at least not now. It helps with the arthritis pain and more importantly the depression that came along with the menopause. Thanks so much for listening! I value each and everyone of you!


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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