It is currently Wed Aug 16, 2017 11:32 am



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:07 am 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Thu Dec 02, 2010 5:28 pm
Posts: 42
I'M not too sure what i want to get out of this post other than reading it myself in the attempt to gain some understanding from what seems to be totally illogical. I have been struggling and fighting against this disease for about 15 yrs in one form or another. Opiates invaded my world about 10 years ago and has held me hostage ever since. As i search for a word which best describes my life so far at the age of 30, it would be chemical warfare. Of all the saddest words spoken the saddest may be " what could have been ? ". I have been robbed of so many opportunities stemming from my drug-abuse, I lost my family and even in getting sober was not able to get them back. Where does it end? Detox, in-patient, out-patient, Sub-maintenance, methadone maintenance, cold-turkey, my way, his way and hers, I have tried it all. Looking back i can say without any doubt that being totally clean was by far the most liberating feeling i have had. I held onto that sobriety for about 5 months, went thru hell to get it too, 30 something days with NO sleep what-so-ever due to R.L.S, i could write a book about the way i suffered that first month and a half of my sobriety. Its amazing how quickly we forget how bad it gets out there, my past is my greatest asset today, I know that if nothing changes nothing changes, I know ones too many and 1000 never enough, I know H>O>W to fight this killer with HONESTY, OPENMINDEDNESS, & WILLINGNESS. I know PEACE and serenity because i have tasted it, I know its peace during the storm, not freedom from the storm. I have a Higher-power who I choose to call GOD and he has carried me time after time, tending to my wounds, mending my heart, giving me hope, but why do i refund that misery ?
I am currently prescribed 8Mg's per day, I have not been able to put more than a month together in the past year or so. I have seen some post about how so many people look down on people who are still getting high while they also get a script of suboxone, and how those people ruin it for everyone else and so on. I agree there are a great deal of people who don't deserve the script because they have no intention on getting clean and they have obtained their script for other reasons. Its hard to have compassion for ignorance but we have all been there in active addiction and lets not forget most people are very sick and can't see what they r doing yet. Addiction carries different stages and most of us have to go thru the process, and that process is usually ugly. Suboxone does not work the same for everyone, as this site is awesome for gaining some helpful information it is just a very small group of people sharing different opinions and experience about their sub maintenance. As much people that are successful in their treatment with sub on this site or anywhere else there is also the other side which are people like me who are having a really tough time maintaining their sobriety. There are also special circumstances which put people in a very tight position like my Dr for instance, she told me almost 2 yrs ago when i started that if i fail a drug test that she will take my script indefinitely, which obviously prevented me from asking for help when i first slipped, which gave my addiction time to manifest until it once again was driving and i was just in for the ride. Well i have been riding ever since, the obsession has crippled me. I want sobriety more than anything! I guess the point within this is don't assume people are just out there abusing their suboxone by choice, don't forget where you came from, don't forget once upon a time your actions and thinking was hijacked as well and no pill is a cure-all. It takes alot more than popping a lil orange pill to put this addiction at bay.
I will also add that 8 Mg's a day will not block my DOC. ( heroin ). When i first started taking suboxone which was about 8 yrs ago they said alot of things that were not necessarily true, one being that you won't suffer any W'D from sub, which i still laugh about but anyways i was under the impression whatever they were saying was true, and in that was that sub is a blocker and you wont be able to get high. Well I'm not proud to say this but I have shot right thru 8Mg's with no problem what-so-ever hundreds of times. I will agree it does have blocking properties which may work better against weaker opiates or low mg forms but for me i have to be over 12Mg's at least for it to really block anything, which is why i intend to get my dose bumped up. Once i figured out i could still get high by late afternoon even though i had dosed that morning really changed my perception about sub.I no longer felt as safe as i once felt, but taking my suboxone is comparable to me wearing a condom or wearing sunscreen, just because i wear some form of protection does not necessarily exclude me from harm though it would be unwise for me not to apply it. I guess it comes down to my willingness to put all things in my best interest into action. I find i really struggle with motivation to actually do these things like waking up early and hitting a 12 step mtg or getting up for church Sunday, or going to the gym to workout. I don't believe its a direct result from taking my suboxone but suboxone does kill MY appetite which would affect my diet therefore contributing to being fatigue and having no energy. Well i treated that with Megestrol 20 mg tabs, works great for increasing my appetite. I am truly grateful for suboxone, i just think there is so much more work to be done in my recovery to keep it, taking that pill in the morning is the smallest and easiest part in what is grueling work to me, I mean who really wants to do all these things to stay sober? I keep asking myself and for me its almost like a sacrifice, I want and am willing to do these things because I know I must love myself and do what is healthy for me if I want to be a trusting, loving, and reliable Father, Son & Friend. I also know these are all just words and as easy as i feel one moment the next I'm bouncing off the wall, well that's where I trust a power greater than myself can and will restore my sanity. Faith is what keeps this addict fighting.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 7:07 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:55 pm
Posts: 4933
Location: Leesburg, FL
I wanted to say thanks for opening up to us and sharing so much of yourself with us. I know sometimes that's not easy. I'm sorry you are still struggling. I have to wonder how things would be going if you'd had a different doctor, one you could have turned to and who would have put you on the correct dose. That said, I guess there's no point in looking backwards. (Except for the fact that your experience could help others starting out.) We all must grab a hold of today and move forward. And that's what it appears that you are doing. Good on you! Keep up the good work and I know you'll make it.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:23 am 
That was a nice post Used2B. Thanks for taking the time to write it.....it obviously really came from your heart. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. You brought out some valid points, in my opinion. Suboxone is not a magic bullet for a lot of us. I know that a lot of people believe that it is....that if they'll just take that Sub every day they will essentially be cured, or at the very least their disease will remain in "remission." I think that may be true for some. But for a lot of us, it just is not that simple. For one thing, bupe only addresses opiates. I'm pretty sure that there are a number of folks out there who have indeed managed (with bupe) to stay away from opiates, but they continue to use other mind-altering substances (alcohol, pot, or others.) And you're certainly not the only one who uses bupe part of the time and full-agonist opiates some of the time, as well.
Your post just tells me that bupe alone is not going to be the answer for a lot of us. It's going to take a lot of work and a lot of time to get this 'right.' I believe you're on the right track.....you mentioned meetings and your higher power and a good knowledge base about how to do this. It's just a matter of doing it....and doing it.....and doing it.....day in and day out. And that can be tough! As you said, this disease takes its course a little differently from one person to the next. For some of us, it just takes a little longer and a few more slip-ups along the way. However, I encourage you to take each slip very seriously, as the truth is.....one more slip could cost you greatly, even your life. I wish you had a more understanding doctor. The problems you're having need to be addressed. You need to be able to be honest and get more help for yourself so you can stop this madness. Pleas consider searching for a new doctor. If you have figured out that it takes 12mg/day to provide a good block for you, then that's the dose you absolutely need to be on, and probably for a good long while. No matter what has happened, as long as you have a breath in you, don't give up!! All those "what could've beens" you mentioned, can still be! You're only 30 years old! Keep holding onto that hope and to the knowledge that you've done it before.....You can do it again! As you know, it takes work! Just keep doing that work. Another thing I would strongly consider is changing your environment in whatever way you can. It sounds like you must have ready access to your drug of choice and that needs to change. I think you need to design your life in such a way that it will be exceedingly difficult to get ahold of any drugs. If that means you lose some friends, so be it! If they're messing up your attempts at recovery, they're not friends anyway!! Right?
I'll stop now. I'll be praying for you. Keep coming here and sharing and let us try to support you! You can do this. Stay away from everything except Suboxone....just for today!!


Top
  
 
Our Sponsors
 Post subject: Keep moving
PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 12:06 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Thu Dec 02, 2010 5:28 pm
Posts: 42
tHANKS a bunch Hatmaker and Setmefree for the encouraging words, you know sometimes we have the answers ourselves and we just need to hear someone else literate it. I have known for a long time the matter of not being able to be honest with my Dr could be detrimental to my recovery, relapse has been a very pungent part of my recovery and I could not grasp the concept of surrendering my will to gain freedom from my bondage until I was beat down enough times to where I was forced to accept my way just did't work. I was what some would call part of the " unfortunates " that had to lose everything before they could gain anything. I still struggle with wanting to do things my way all the time, I remember my dad always use to say " A hard head sure makes a soft behind " he was right.
I have a appointment today with my Dr and I am still debating what i should do, life is usually a lot more complicated than just making a right or left turn, making a wrong turn can turn into disaster when being on a maintenance program, I know from experience. I wish i could change my environment but unfortunately I'm stuck in my current location, I am a small buisness owner and you can imagine the damage I have done over the past year to my buisness. I have alot of making up to do but am truly grateful I haven't lost everything this time around like i usually do which is painstaking progress but progress just the same. As much turmoil that I've had in my life it's sometimes hard to accept life's terms, and sometimes there is nothing left to mend when it comes to broken friendships or lost loved ones etc.. but life goes on and if I want to be of any worth to the people I love in this chapter of my life I must forgive, I must not forget, and I must keep it moving. I feel as if I'm exactly where I am supposed to be and I don't know the reason why I was handed the deck I hold in Life sometimes but I do know I have to play it the best way I can.
Peace and Love...............


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group