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PostPosted: Sun Oct 29, 2017 7:03 pm 
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I assume that most of us come to this forum because we’re prescribed Suboxone (or similar) for opiate addiction. And as addicts, I’m going to assume that we’ve all wrestled with trust issues over years; our own trust of others, but more importantly, the trust others have in us.

Guys, I’ve blown it. Time and again, I’ve violated my wife’s trust in the service of my own selfish desire to protect access to my drug of choice. While that drug has varied drastically over the years, from alcohol to opiates to plain old nicotine, the secrecy and illicit behavior surrounding it has been dreadfully consistent. I’ve turned my wife into a monster, a person she has said she doesn’t want to be, and it’s all my fault. Perhaps there was always bound to be a breaking point, but as my wife said last night, “how many times can you get stabbed in the back before you finally just die?”

I medicate myself out of depression and anxiety, and I’m secretive because I’m trying to protect my access. The secrecy also causes anxiety. Work causes anxiety. The anxiety drives the need for this substance, or that. A vicious cycle ensues. And then my wife all but threatens divorce and the anxiety gets turned up another notch.

I’ve got an appointment with a psychiatrist this week, but I can’t help but think I’m nearing the end of my marriage. I don’t want it to be, and neither does my wife, but even if everything went absolutely perfect from here on out, she has been conditioned not to trust me anymore. I don’t know what to do. I want my little boy to have the family and the father he deserves, and I don’t feel like I’m that person. I don’t know how to be. I’m wired up to f*ck up, it would seem. I’m horrified by the idea of a divorce, but there’s some part of me that feels relieved, also. And I want to punch that part in the face.

There’s a lot going on, in other words. I’ll keep y’all posted as things develop, but this might be the end.

B. Byrner


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 29, 2017 11:47 pm 
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Has your Psychiatrist suggested going into some good rehab/recovery house where they deal with core issues of your past and put you on the right path fairly quickly?

To me, it seems you need intense therapy, not another prescription to mask whatever is causing you to behave in this manner. Believing that a pill will fix something that is broken inside is just plain wrong. Yes, drugs can be a great tool to get you to where you can function on your own w/o meds, or very little of them but they are not a cure all.

We are not doctors so take what I say knowing it's from a lay person. But IMO, you are letting substance abuse ruin your marriage and you refuse to do anything about it except seeing your shrink. Once a person gets tired of continually hitting the wall, they will have to make a decision to turn left and take a different path. It's obvious that what you are doing isn't working. Focus your energy on finding a clinic/doctor, or group that can help you.

Sorry I can't offer much more than that. We are just addicts here trying to stay off opiates. It is hard to give an opinion on other mental health issues that we know little about.

Keep fighting for your marriage and stop the behavior before it's too late. Sounds easy, huh? Happy hunting.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2017 8:22 am 
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Are u still using bunson? It sounds like that is what ur saying but I wanted to ask and make sure. If u are then no wonder ur wife is upset all the time. If ur not then I understand the trust issues either way.

I had the experience of being the person married to an addict before I finally became addicted myself. It does finally become too much and trust can be gone but the person I was with wasn't ever clean more than a month so he never had time to build up trust. I would hope that I would have eventually trusted him if enough time had passed because I expect the ppl that I did wrong during my active addiction to learn to trust me again (and they do now but it took time). If ur not following through with recovery and still messing around then ur not building trust at all and nobody will trust any addict who doesn't consistently stay on the straight and narrow. It's actually that simple imo. So there is a way to gain trust bk but it'll never ever happen if ur still messing around with drugs at all or doing shady stuff like lying about things. As addicts, we have to prove ourselves more than the average person would but especially to our partner.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:35 pm 
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Hi Rule62 and Jennjenn,

Two things right off the bat, I’m not refusing to do anything. I’m watching my marriage fall apart because of addictive behaviors, not because I am actively using anything. I have an unfortunate vape habit that gets expensive and have been secretive about my spending. Typical addict move, but not surrounding an illicit substance. My wife sees this as yet another monstrous betrayal because I haven’t been open and honest about it. I’m terms of a third strike, it’s a petty crime that’s getting called out on the technicality of principle. A lie, however big, however small, is a lie. I haven’t seen my shrink in two years because all they wanted to do was prescribe things I wasn’t comfortable with. But I haven’t even seen the shrink yet. Nothing has been prescribed. And that doesn’t at all mean that this is the sum total of my efforts, only the first of however many lines I throw out to keep this thing from capsizing. You’re right, I probably do need some extensive therapy. I’ve done outpatient rehab already. There are meetings I can go to. I’m just a guy who has a hard time not keeping secrets, apparently.

B


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2017 9:44 am 
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Ohhhh so ur not talking about using? Ur talking about vaping? The way u said it made it sound like u were still messing around with drugs. Why do u have to hide vaping from ur wife?

I've responded to most of ur posts and I'm just gonna tell ya, the way it sounds from ur point of view (I know there's two sides to every story), it just sounds like she's extremely hard to get along with and isn't able to forgive the things that's happened in the past. That's just my take on it and even though I do understand how it's difficult to trust addicts after some of the things we put our loved ones through, we can't be punished for it for the rest of our lives. Plus it sounds like she's got some stress issues of her own that's making her lash out. Only u know how much u can take and I do believe you'll finally make the right decision :)

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2017 12:10 pm 
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Jennjenn,

That’s a pretty accurate summation of things. My wife is definitely more forgiving than, say, her mother would be, but with her mother being role model and example to her growing up, I have to think a little bit at least has rubbed off. My mother in law forgives nothing. Nothing. Because it is so much more valuable to her to use past slights as future ammunition. Believe me, I’ve handed that bitch a powder keg over the years (mother in law, I mean). She’ll be pleasant as all hell, even put a $50 bill in your birthday card until something triggers her and then it’s all about all the shitty things she’s ever seen you do.

As for hiding the vape, I’ve been in denial about it a long time. I smoked for years, and had quit for several years, and then started smoking a pipe and things went downhill from there to my current vape habit. Being honest, I’ve been ashamed of it, and I tend to hide the things that shame me. Otherwise, this would be purely an argument over money, not an issue of secrecy and money. All things considered though, I’m not using the credit card to buy obscene amounts of kratom to fight off withdrawal symptoms between Zubsolv refills. And I’m definitely not using my old drug of choice, Norco. I have a lot of behaviors that have become part of my operating “DNA” as if were, a secretive nature that no amount of nurture has been able to quell. And in this place, it’s hard to see past my own faults to see if I’m getting a fair shake on the other end. I’m not trying to defend any of my actions, but a fair trial is a fair trial.

B


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2017 12:44 pm 
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Wow BB, you sure are being honest about it now. That is a great first step. Now all you need to do is be honest with your wife about everything. Ask for her help instead of groveling for forgiveness. Invite her to attend Al-Anon meetings so she can get an idea on how an addicts mind work and how easy it is for us to lie.

As far as your M.I.L. is concerned, stay away from that toxic mess. It is easier to hate than it is to forgive. Why some people choose hate instead of being supportive I cannot understand because it is not me or any of my family, thank God.

In AA there is a description of an alcoholic, which is almost the same as an addict. When talking about an alcoholic/addict using it says "They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty". Does that describe you?

Just throwing some stuff out there to see if it helps at all. You are in a mess but you can improve the situation by changing your way of living. Rigorous honesty in all matters of life. Never give your mind a chance to think about lying. If you tell the truth first the damage will be much less.

r62

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:41 pm 
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I think I’ve posted about it here before in one thread or another, but my mother in law is textbook borderline personality disorder. Problem is, so is her brother (my wife’s uncle) and so was her mother. I don’t know enough about BPD to say whether genetics plays a role, but I know it does with bipolar disorder, which is the sum total of my inheritance so far. That, and double-icious odds of getting prostate cancer. So far, my wife hasn’t been symptomatic of BPD. Her abusive childhood led to codependency issues, which she recognized and saught help from Celebrate Recovery for. Now she feels like she’s enabling me, as an addict, by some behavior or another. I have always been a secretive person. From about fifteen into my mid twenties, I’d sneak alcohol from or past my parents. Once I was legal, I tapered up to a fifth of rum every night for the better part of a year, then stopped completely and was on again off again with the booze—mostly beer—until I was thirty four. My rich history of anxiety and depression has always been a strain on our marriage. But it always amounts to the same: I keep my habits a secret, even when they’re no longer secret. We seem to be working through things as of right now. We’re amicable, at least. We kiss before either of us leaves the house for any real amount of time. But my wife has a way of shelving a discussion for days, weeks, until it invariably comes back up again and I discover she hasn’t come to a decision about us. I’m afraid that that’s where she’s at right now, that I’m on some kind of cushy house arrest pending the real trial. Perhaps not. I have my psych appointment today, and I’m looking into counselors and possibly some extended time off work. I don’t have a terrible job, really, but I’ve been doing it so long, and it’s so predictably unpredictable that it sends my anxiety through the roof. Hence the nicotine usage. The job anxiety was a huge factor in my initial painkiller addiction. I used to love my job, but then it changed, became like everywhere else. Now I’ve got grad school, fatherhood, it’s a lot.

I’m not trying to be all woe is me. I do have good days. At this very moment, I’m fooling around the park with my DSLR while my wife is jogging. Earlier, we were re-watching the first season of Stranger Things together. And before that, I took my son out to pick up some drinking water and apple turnovers. I’m off work today, I’m off work tomorrow. I’m running low on Zubsolv a few days early again because I used them off label for the anxiety earlier this week. Life is normal, in other words. For now.


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