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PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 8:21 pm 
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Hello and Kia Ora. I have just found this forum which is a great discovery. Imagine, a whole community Bupe/Suboxone users (awkward that, what would be better than “users” I wonder?) I’ve never come across anyone else on the stuff and have only heard rumours about people coming off it.

I thought I would post to introduce myself, but as I’m also from Aotearoa/New Zealand, plan on stopping the Bupe soon and also wanted to tell my addiction story, I thought I’d post under the “Misc”. Also I like Misc. things. My filing system is one big file labelled “Misc”. My career is “Misc”. My drug use has been Misc and my religion could be labelled “Misc” (it’s a bit hard to give Silence as a reply sometimes).

I have being taking Bupe for two years. I started out using street drugs. Where I live, in my country, we don’t get street drugs like other countries do. I have been using opiates for nearly 15 years (starting as a 17 year old) and have never seen heroin. I have once taken cocaine and that was a score from a pharmacy job, so it was pharmaceutical coke. My first taste was from bled poppies cooked with A.A. and mainlined. I was 17, it was the 90’s, I had a band that was gaining underground notoriety (I’d already had two songs hit number one on student radio charts, guess that’s the same as college radio). R. gave me my first taste (spawn of Satan that he was). R. was that cool underground industrial rock guy, like Al Jorgenson from Ministry. And R. knew what he was doing when he gave it to me.
And here I am now, all these years later, once I was an underground writer and musician spoken of by the hip. Now I’m just underground.

I left behind rock and roll for two reasons: A woman and writing. I met a woman who I have been married to for 6 years and have two children with, and also I wanted to focus on writing (I still do and still write but sometime I spend my writing time looking at my shoe… like now…). Unfortunately around the same time I discovered my drug of choice. That is codeine. I could be stoned but still function and best, if need be I could get it OTC and with a bit of prep get rid of the crap and have the straight codeine. Over the years my misc drug use tapered off. I left acid and its kin. Speed was never for me I’m fast enough without it. I’ve never liked the taste of alcohol. I grew bored with pot. And, as I was never a real needle freak, codeine and I developed a pretty good chemical marriage, although my wife was not happy with the affair.

Two years ago a doctor was recommended to me as he had been and still does pass himself off to the community as an addiction specialist. He started me on Bupe and that was great, great stuff. I stabilised, I could work without an itch or that anxiety of where I would get the next hit (I had been using half from the street and filling gaps with OTC codeine because pharmacists get suspicious about you buying the stuff).
Gradually my doc started adding to my script, some anti depressant, muscle relaxants, sedatives, benzos off and on, more and more, more and more. Finally about two months ago I have a revelation, I have my very own fine day and I get it. I get IT, “IT”. I want out and off. My wife is pleased. I tell my family I am a drug addict and want to get clean. Funny reactions. Those I expected to react badly or ineffectual react well, step up, come through. Others, it’s like I gave them a big steel capped boot and said, hang on I’ll just lie down before you use that on me.

I went to my doc, my wife and I went, to tell him I want off. He says why and what for, you don’t have an addiction and any problems are yours (he says pointing to my wife) you are the one with the problem. He’s doing fine (pointing to me). He prescribes some benzos. I go crazy for a week and my wife asks me to stay somewhere else for a week (we had given notice at our house and were moving in prep for me to go into rehab). I stay at friends and go on bender with my Bupe and Norflex (crazy shit). Week later my wife and I see a drug counsellor to get things organised and we also get 2nd opinion on my meds. It turns out I’m on a cocktail that could blow. Back home the day before moving I double my Bupe and, with everything else in my system, I OD and end up in hospital. I stay in hospital for two days and when I get out my wife has packed the house and the kids and moved to another part of the country where her family are. I haven’t seen them since (tho I talk regularly on the phone) She says she can’t do it anymore and I can come home (home being where she and my kids are) once I’m clean (I love her so much, we have walked the giants’ footpath together. She needs to protect the kids from the addiction. I understand). So here I am, staying at friends, waiting for a spot in rehab and getting ready to detox from Bupe.

That’s my story in its readers digest condensed form (sorry for the length nonetheless). I haven’t gone into the usual suspects here of childhood trauma (a tragic death I was partly responsible for aged very young) or the family who were as dysfunctional as a mind coming down from magic mushrooms.

I’d like to close with a stanza by my most important poet.

This love that heals like a crooked limb
In each of us, source of our grief
Could tell us if we cared to listen, why
Sons by mayhem, daughters by harlotry
Pluck down the sky’s rage on settled houses:
The thin girl and the cornerboy
Whose angers mask their love
Unwind, unwind the bandages
That hide in each the hope of joy.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 1:34 pm 
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been on quite a ride! It's interesting to hear from someone outside the U.S. There are obviously differences in drugs of choice, etc., yet our stories ultimately are so similar. I'm sorry that things got to the point that your wife felt it necessary to take the children and move. She is right regarding them needing to be sheltered from the madness, but I'm sure it hurts and you must miss them terribly.
In some ways it may be a blessing in disguise for you though. You can go into rehab, get yourself stabilized and begin to rebuild your life without having to try to keep up appearances for the sake of the wife and kids. It's so difficult to go through withdrawals and early recovery while trying to maintain a "normal" family and work life. This way you will be able to focus solely on yourself and getting better.
One thing I find helpful to remember is that no matter what happens with the people in your life, no matter what decisions they make - if you get clean and stay clean, you're going to be a winner. If your wife decides to come back, you'll be a better husband and father. If she chooses to move on separately without you, you're still going to be a better person and over time she will see that. You have to get clean for you. Because you want a better quality of life, regardless of what that means to anyone else in your life. The wonderful things that happen after and because you've gotten clean are just a great big bonus!
Best to you as you begin to put your life back together!


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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