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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:35 am 
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Hello everyone, checking in and wanted to describe the experience I had recently. Have any of you just FOUND drugs you didn't know you had while in recovery and had your heart start pounding like it was a threat on your life?
I was at work a couple weeks ago when I was fishing through my wallet for quarters to use on the candy machine next to my little work area, on a busy night with customers passing here and there, and behold! There's like 8 or 9 (maybe more?) 15mg oxycodone in this hidden gap in this wallet. My mother had given me this wallet weeks before since my old one was falling apart, and I recognized this as her pain medicine as she has chronic pain issues too. I stood there thinking about what to do with them, thought about giving them back to my mother, but any of the things would have required bringing them home for the night - which wouldn't really render any significant chance that I'd take them, I'm content on sub and it'd put me into detox unless I wanted to wait 3 days, but it'd make me anxious just knowing they were there. More importantly, my boyfriend is clean but is not protected by any medication like sub or methadone, and would be higher risk if he knew they were there. So I flushed them in the ladies room, which felt kinda great in a way I didn't expect.
And yes I felt bad too that I didn't just give them back, but i knew these pills were old and that she had just gotten her scrip refilled so at least I know they weren't needed then. It wouldn't have been worth the risk.
It's crazy though. How we can see pills, hold them in hand, know that we couldn't take them even if we wanted to, but still be programmed to see a reward. An important commodity that there were countless times we would've killed to have access to back during the using days. I remember the times that I was miserable and sick, and wanted to have something like that so badly. Kind of like the way we see cash money, it's like something about our wiring and conditioning that predisposes us to see something special when looking at a twenty dollar bill.
Later on when the pills were long gone, I did tell my bf about it and while at first he also couldn't help but initially see the "waste" of it, he said that if I'd kept them for any reason he might have taken one if it were made so easy. It's interesting what he said, about how if I hadn't responded quickly but just continued to think how else these could be of any use, the continuation of that moment would be the opportunity "addict brain" has to convince you to hold on to them. That whatever reason I could've kept them and even just taking them home overnight, is "addict brain" trying to give you the opportunity to have them and possibly relapse. Which I guess is why I chose so quickly.
Even crazier to me though, is that the wallet had been given to me over a month ago and they were sitting there THE WHOLE TIME. Crikey.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 2:41 pm 
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Congratulations! You should give yourself more credit for making such a quick decision that benefited your recovery. Things like this happen, and the way you choose to react to them in those first few moments is usually the key to how they turn out. I agree 100% that if you had held them overnight, even with the best of intentions, it might have turned out badly.

It's crazy how opportunities like this can pop up out of the blue for us to relapse. That's why I worry so much about people who say they don't fear relapse because they no longer have access to their DOC. You just never know where or when something like this could happen!

Not too long ago I went into Pizza Hut to order some dinner. When I was at the counter paying my foot kicked something that skidded across the floor and made a very distinct noise. I looked down, and low and behold I see a 10mg Percocet staring me in the face. I guess someone had a pocket full of them and dropped one when they got their money out to pay for their pizza. I went so far as to pick it up, on the sly, and stick it in my pocket. Old habits die hard, I guess. :roll: I did manage to come to my senses once I got started down the road, and threw it out the window. But, it would have been very easy to swallow that pill rather than throw it out!

Doing the right thing isn't always easy, but those little victories build a kind of confidence in yourself that will help you in the long run. And, it's such a good feeling to be proud of your actions rather than feel guilty about them!!!!

High five for handling the situation as well as you did! I'm sure it created some anxiety when you first saw them, but you worked through it and did the right thing. Doesn't it feel great? 8)

Q

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 8:43 pm 
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Two Thumbs Up, All Apologies! You won this battle of the war!!!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 1:46 pm 
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Thank you so much for the kind responses :)
And yes, early response is a great prediction of how it will turn out. Very much like how upon waking up in the morning, your best chance to remember your dreams from that night is in the first ten to thirty minutes and then the chance is more steadily decreasing after that first time frame, the initial track of mind and decision-making is crucial.
I totally get where you're coming from though on picking that pill up off the floor. It's great that you were able to chuck it because I think it'd be even harder after choosing to pick it up. It does build a great confidence. I remember when in active addiction, seeing someone on tv dispose of drugs would rile you because you would think what a waste, I'd take them! And you think about how if it were you, if you didn't want them you'd rather give them to someone who did. But it's different in recovery. Of course there's still a lot of that old thinking, at least a sense of it, which was my point in the first post about how we still see the DOC as something of value. This is what makes it so hard to do that. Because even if you're as comfortable and secure on sub as I am and therefore knowing you have neither the chemical capability nor strong enough interest in taking that pill upon finding it, it's hard to do what you saw on tv and scoffed at back then, something you thought you wouldn't do. But that's also exactly what makes it so empowering.
It's insane how those opportunities to relapse come about. It just reminds us that no one is invincible. I probably would have told the you the same thing that worries you, that as long as I'm on suboxone I have no fear of relapse. But it still doesn't mean I want an old DOC in my house lol. We do have to examine what circumstances could occur in which we would be vulnerable again, even if we feel bullet-proof at this point in our recovery and on sub.
What I also think is cool though, is not just the intruige of "addict brain", but the subtle efforts of "survival brain". Because I believe there's a reason I didn't bring them home with me. I believe there's a reason I disposed of them, and so quickly. I believe there's a reason I didn't tell my SO or my mom (who might've wanted them back but not badly enough to immediately come pick them up) and made the decision entirely without outside influence.
Anyone else have any stories like this?


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 6:36 pm 
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I wanted to say GOOD JOB! I don't know if i would have thrown them out, i really don't know and that SCARES me. I think you should remind yourself of this...as you said - You did it al by yourself, no one told you to throw them out! Much better to be safe then sorry and your story is a perfect example of the RIGHT thing to do.

Congratulations All-apologies13 :D


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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 2:08 pm 
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Good Job! I would never have the will power to do that, cuz well in fact in the past one night I got some IR Oxycodone 20's...60mg snorted first night, and 60mg snorted the next day and 60mg shot was suppose to be more but 4 of them came up missing, now I feel guilty. And last week I chewed up 3 Fent patches, the weak 12.5/mcg an hour ones. All this has to do with people calling me and saying somebody has something, before this I was DOING REALLY GOOD for a while, now the relasping has started again. It has to do I think I haven't seprated myself from people I know i need to, also I live in very small town and run into soooo many people i know that use and offer me stuff while I'm at work...this whole town is a trigger for me. But anyway, Congrats! Would not have been able to do that.


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PostPosted: Fri May 15, 2015 12:38 pm 
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Are you currently on suboxone? You might need a higher dose or the ability to dose twice a day. Fentanyl is a dangerous med, I used to do exactly the same thing you're talking about with chewing up the patches. I was never a patient enough addict to shoot them or anything.
But yeah...you need new friends. If you can expect that opportunities like that will keep coming up, it might be time to relocate if possible or try to put yourself around different people. But I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know. Stay strong


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