It is currently Fri Nov 17, 2017 3:17 pm



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 34 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2
Author Message
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2012 5:48 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member

Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2011 9:45 pm
Posts: 833
boy hat '. this is one of life's most inner family sad and hard to fix family relations. my sister linda 's fiancee also comitted suicide in the past year. this probably to to fear of him hurting my sister even more. i hope you and your cousin can come
closer to one an other to solve some of this? and the rest of it has a lot of time healing. Gee" this is some thing that just take's
time i guess" unless some one comes up with a solution.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Counseling would be good
PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2012 7:29 pm 
Offline
Super Poster
Super Poster
User avatar

Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2011 8:46 pm
Posts: 158
Hat, I wish/hope your friend/cousin knows how lucky she is to have someone like you on her side. Counseling would be great and I think in your last post you inducated you have counseling. I am sure any counselor if given the information you are giving us here on this forum would tell you to draw some seld preserving boundaries. And...if you find all this affecting your health and mental state of mind you very well might ought to. I am just wondering if that might also be a big stressor to you moreso.

Addiction, cunning, baffling and powerful (borrowing from twelve steps). from what I have read he is her ticket to actively using and your are her light to the future of maybe not using. Its is the angel on one shoulder devil on the other shoulder perspective for her. The more I read of this situation the more I wonder if you really need to move to the side for two reasons for your own health being and maybe let nature takes it's course and forse her to make a choice quicker. But like I said you might find that worse on yourself.

I was one of those addicts taht's family turned all communications off and It made matter worse I believe though Good Luck my friend.

_________________
Wishing you the best in love and life. Finallyachance.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jan 09, 2012 9:34 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 1:51 am
Posts: 11
Hi,

Chiming in here again - actually began a few replies involving analysis etc then dumped them realizing there was too much conjecture about the situation. However, in the meantime you have confirm one of my thoughts - that is, the core issue seems to be a relationship issue with substance as a supplementary addition. She sounds attracted to abusive treatment.

Back to the question which had to do with how one deals with having to hear stories about the the villain and essentially not wanting to hear them.

I sense your desire to say 'I don't want to hear about him' is an attempt to send a different message without actually saying it - ie, the message of this is all too overwhelming and I disagree with your associating with this a-hole - so much so that 'I don't want to hear about it'.

Here is the deal. You have open communication channel and by saying 'I don't want to hear about him' you risk shutting that so very precious door of communication. From experience, please don't let this happen and please take a moment to appreciate that it is there. Losing this brings destitution.

She has endured horrible trauma that rings home here. Nobody, nobody, nobody deserves to experience these things, they will f a good person up royally.

Thinking about all these things brings me to think that perhaps it is best that you open up your story to her. It seems fair to say to her, ok, 'I hate to hear about this guy because I disagree with his treatment of you, but I will listen without judgement but in turn, I want you to hear my story and really hear it'.

What do ya think? As friends you should share and that seems about the best that can be done.

Good luck and stay strong - wishing you the best ;)


Top
 Profile  
 
Our Sponsors
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 10, 2012 8:22 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:55 pm
Posts: 4847
Location: Leesburg, FL
Panpacific -

You strike me as an amazing person and I thank you again for replying. You're grasping the exact struggles I'm feeling. The problem is I DO feel guilty about telling her not to talk to me about this prick. Yes, I have to consider my needs and I understand that, but as a friend, what would I want her to do for me? Certainly more than what I'm giving her.

Oh and she already knows my whole story, so there isn't much more I can share with her.

After she got involved w/ him again over the weekend, she swears it's over THIS TIME. I'm not holding my breath. She's still sleeping on our couch - temporarily, of course (hopefully for a very short time - otherwise I'll bust).

The thing I'm adamant about is I'm not having another serious discussion with her until she's left our home and is settled in somewhere else. No more hostile discussions until she has her own home to return to. It's just too much otherwise.

This whole things is still making me sick. My body is one big mass of muscle spasms and tension. It's awfully hard to live this way on an extended basis.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:25 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 10:43 am
Posts: 893
Location: AZ
I don't know Hat, it seems like your damned if you do and damned if you don't. Either way you are going to be stressed and upset.

Maybe you could talk to her about why, is she scared of being alone so she allows him to treat her this way so she's not? Does she feel that this is all she's worth? What are the positives she gets out of this relationship that causes her to keep going back?

I have been on both sides of this problem and in my experience anything you do or don't do isn't going to change anything. The balls in her court and that's the part that sucks, this is something that affects you greatly yet you have no control over it.

My sister was dating a huge asshole not too long ago. He'd break her heart and she'd go back. I said my piece and told her that if she was hurt I would be there but I couldn't listen to the everyday chit chat. If she wanted to talk about that type of stuff then I would tell her what I thought. If she didn't then she knew and there was no point in me repeating myself. I had been in her spot with a guy previously and told her one day enough would be enough but there was nothing I could say or do that would make that process go any faster. When he did something I listened and eventually enough was enough and she ended it for good. However there were no drugs involved, just a guy that treated her like a rug.

Sorry for the rambling, I guess what I'm saying is that yeah maybe you should listen. She also needs to be aware that you need to be able to tell her the truth as well.

I really hope everything gets better and she will quickly see who it is that really loves her. Just please take care of yourself. We only know each other thru the internet but you are a very caring, selfless person and remember that you matter too.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:50 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:55 pm
Posts: 4847
Location: Leesburg, FL
Breezy said: "If she wanted to talk about that type of stuff then I would tell her what I thought."

I LIKE THAT! That isn't something - for some reason - hadn't occurred to me. Maybe because I'm in such a state right now. I'm definitely going to include that in my "terms", so to speak.

You all don't know how you're helping me. Talking about it helps me to bounce ideas around and to think about it from different perspectives. Plus I don't have much support right now. Especially since my husband's health is still....well, deteriorating, for lack of a better word. It's so scary I can't even put it into words right now.

Keep the opinions and perspectives coming. Thanks for being here for me.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 10, 2012 12:49 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 1:51 am
Posts: 11
It is an all too familiar pattern as Breezy has also demonstrated with her sister. People attracted to abusive relationships - it goes both ways with men and women but we are most accustomed to hearing the horror stories of women in abusive situations - being treated like crap both mentally and physically. On one hand you sympathize with the victim and on the other you loath the perpetrator. The bottom line is that there is usually some sort of underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

I just think about how every time I listen to Dr. Drew or 'Love Line' a woman calls in about an abusive relationship trying to get advice on how to make it work and almost immediately every time, he says, 'ok what happened to you as a child?', they deny anything happened, however, with enough insistence, he often gets to the cause and we almost always hear about a child abuse incident. The conclusion is that the caller is attracted to that treatment because it is learned. There is a lack of self worth and the treatment verifies the victim's emotions. Unfortunately in Hat's case there is an ugly constellation prize of substance abuse. Oh boy!

Hat, I know you mentioned that you told her your story, actually, I thought you would say that because you sound like you have exhausted all avenues and so it is not surprising you've unloaded onto her. Even still, I still think you need to consider, can talking to her about your issues, - ie - asking her for advice about your struggles. So what I am saying is turn the situation into a dual support system - G-d knows you need someone and she is, as stated, your best friend.

It seems that turning to her for support for yourself could benefit you both - you may have tried it already but perhaps let her give you some advice which may turn on a light-bulb in her head.

In truth it sounds like counselling is in order to help acknowledge and break the vicious cycle.

All the best kind woman ;)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jan 10, 2012 3:04 pm 
Offline
Super Poster
Super Poster
User avatar

Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2011 8:46 pm
Posts: 158
Like I said earlier the disease of addiction surmounts any relationship we have when in active addiction and I hate to say it but I believe the draw he has over you being able to make sense to her and win over such a loser is the fact he is her drug outlet. When we want to use we will go around all types of people that abuse us. Hell we are abusing ourselves so in turn we allow others to also.

I was in a very similiar relationship with someone and my best friend for 30 years could not accept that relationship. So for her own health and well being she had to draw the line. I never did and still years later have never been able to tell her the truth of why I kept going back for more when the reason was so stupid and would kill her ego. IT WAS I COULD USE DRUGS IN THAT RELATIONSHIP. When I finally quit using and was able to also stop the using behaviors is when she won out and she was better for me to be around, easier for me to take her advice etc...but as long as I wanted to use full time and/or even part time this other person was a stumbling factor for me. Nothing personal no doubt my 30 year friend was a better friend, better for me in my life, a much better person all together but to use drugs, the other person was more necessary so to say. COULD THAT BE IT?

_________________
Wishing you the best in love and life. Finallyachance.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:21 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:55 pm
Posts: 4847
Location: Leesburg, FL
I don't even know where to start. The story is pretty much over, but did it get worse before it got better. I don't really care to go back and read where I left off in the story, but I'll try to catch you up. I don't know if I mentioned it, but since the first of the year, she's been staying with my husband and I. It was NOT planned, but I won't go into details (and we weren't happy about it). Since then, things went to shit. Keep in mind that except for about a 3 month break, she's been staying with us for nearly one year now. Hell, you could say we've been helping to support her.

I've done everything humanly possible to help her. EVERYTHING! And tried every different way possible to reach her. All the way until it got to where I was enabling her. Add to all this that she's a very inconsiderate person and she hangs out with a really bad bunch of people and makes really bad decisions. In the 6 weeks she's been here, she's gotten robbed (by that wonderful man she "loved" so much! Finally the last straw), had her car break down (for which we paid half to have it repaired-just so we didn't have to drive her back and forth to work anymore!), and many more clusterfuck of situations only she seems to get into - usually related to those people and her bad decisions.

A slow build up over time and then this weekend, well, she finally pushed my very kind, gentle, and extremely passive husband over the edge. I've NEVER seen him like this in all the 10+ years I've known him. She of course resorted to personal attacks - as per usual - and chose to leave in the middle of the night. I didn't beg her to stay. She packed up her shit and her cat (yes, her cat's been here, too)-oh and even though we've been feeding her for all this time, she took it upon herself to take whatever SHE last bought at the grocery store with her! She's also practically destroyed anything of ours that she's used. In the end, she tells us WE are the "crazy" ones and that living with us was too much of an "emotional burden" FOR HER! FOR HER! We "put an emotional burden ON HER"! OH MY GOSH.... Can you fucking believe that?? This was said to me in a message, so I wasn't able to respond, but damn did I laugh and laugh and laugh. (I have no intention of responding. I'm done.)

She is in complete denial as well as projecting most of not all of her issues. I know she's a mess and I understand why. And I still feel awful for her. That's not the point. But I throw my hands up. I'm done. I have exhausted my options and have nothing left to try. She had a golden opportunity to get her shit together over the last 11 months. There wasn't a damn thing more we could have done. I walk away with a clear conscience.

The shame of it all is that this whole thing has destroyed our close relationship. She'll always be my cousin of course. But I expect she'll manage to extricate herself from the family for awhile, so that may not be an issue. I expect things between us will never be the same. At least not until she really, REALLY gets past all this and heals, if that's even possible.

This has dragged on for so long now and I almost think that's a good thing. It's given me time to slowly grieve this friendship. It's not so sudden for me. I've been expecting this to happen and now, I'm OK. And we have our home back! And our lives (it feels that way). WHEW...you have no idea how good that feels. Actually, it hasn't quite sunk in yet. I'm still tense; it'll take a few days for that to wear off.

That's what's going on with this mess ! :mrgreen:

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


Top
 Profile  
 
   
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:29 am 
Offline
6 Months or More
6 Months or More
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 9:55 am
Posts: 252
Location: Over the Rainbow

Hey, hat-

I just want to say that I'm very glad that this goat rodeo is finally over for you and your husband-
and that you two finally have your home back.

Hopefully- your stress levels will become greatly reduced, now- and in the days ahead.

Good Luck,

-ex-

_________________
"-"


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 1:56 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 1:51 am
Posts: 11
That's a good thing and a shame at the same time. You need your space. One thing I learned in therapy is you can't be totally self sacrificing and can acknowledge your needs. Yes, she is in total denial - been there!. It took a lot to get past denial. It starts with just wanting to get out of denial - she is not even close. Once you want to get past it, ie, once you are starting allow it to surface it takes help admitting it and that is a very scary / daunting thing. It took months of coaxing for me to finally admit, and that is after wanting to admit my problems of addiction. Then from there, you need support. Fortunately support is plentiful at that point.

One piece of advice. You are clearly upset, but don't forget she is family and she deserves forgiveness. Of course that may be hard to imagine with the banter and accusations you've had to endure, especially after having furnished so much. Just try to remember it is not her fault she is the way she is. Seems like the best thing to do is just stay behind the scenes and do the best to be ready to jump in and help if she gets into serious trouble. The ability to take that position shows your nobility. For now, just take a deep breath and adjust ;)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: And the beat goes on....
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 10:59 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:55 pm
Posts: 4847
Location: Leesburg, FL
Guess what guys....she turned up again. This time, practically begging for addiction help. Since I last saw her, she went back to heroin. I let her in my house and we talked. I was very blunt in my honesty with her. She knew I probably won't believe anything that she says anymore and I told her that yes, that's true. She admitted that she deserved that. She apologized for hurting me and not being there for me and for being a lousy-ass friend when I needed one the most.

She said she tried to find a sub doctor and they wouldn't take her w/o insurance. (Now THAT'S different, isn't it???) She get's her health care at a resident's clinic at the local county hospital. I encouraged her to go there and be honest and seek help from them. She fears the stigma of a heroin addict and is afraid to admit her problem to her doctor. I also encouraged her to call other sub doctors to ask about open slots in the patient assistance program. I basically offered her my ideas so that SHE CAN HELP HERSELF.

She cannot depend on me anymore. And I told her that. She's resourceful and she needs to depend on herself. I'm sorry if I sound cold, but I can't do it again or anymore.

We're on speaking terms again and I'll help by talking to her, but that's about it. Does this make me selfish? Maybe. But do I need to be selfish now? I think so. I wasn't selfish and I put her first for nearly one full year in our life. No more! My priorities are my husband, our marriage, and myself (not necessarily in that order).

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: PROGRESS!
PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 6:50 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:55 pm
Posts: 4847
Location: Leesburg, FL
I'll try to keep the details short and sweet, but I'll start by saying this is good news! My cousin has stayed "clean" (still hate that word) since my last post, save for a slip or two. Considering how unstable she's been, I DO consider this GREAT news. And since my hubby and I were on vacation for two weeks, she's been 100% relying on herself for ALL of her needs. When I see her now, we're JUST friends. I hadn't thought about it until after we returned, but us going away for two weeks put her in a position where if she got into trouble she was forced to get herself out of it and not rely on me/us. Now that we're back it's stayed that way. :)

I am so relieved that she's finally making this genuine effort. She even went so far as to come clean with her family doctor about her entire addiction and trying to find a suboxone doctor. Now, I was damn proud of her for that, as I know how hard that can be.

She's got her own place now, still in the same job, and it even looks like a second job as well. No matter how much I may have crossed the line into enabling her previously, I'm happy with the way things turned out. She and I actually have a better relationship now for having been through this. And I learned things about myself from this whole experience, too. For example, I finally learned how to recognize WHEN I cross the line into enabling. I could never tell when I went from supportive to enabling. My marriage counselor put it to me this way: If in helping another person, I am doing more work than they are, then it's likely that I'm enabling them. I think it's a great guideline in helping me to keep my boundaries intact.

I wanted to share this more upbeat news with those of you who supported me when this was making my life a living crazy-ass hell. I can honestly say I've been on both sides of the disease of addiction and the two perspectives are most definitely uniquely different. But seeing both sides helps me to understand even more points of view and can only help me.

Thanks to those of you who've supported me through this tough time. Whew!

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


Top
 Profile  
 
   
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2012 10:57 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:55 pm
Posts: 4847
Location: Leesburg, FL
My cuz is still doing great. Hasn't used heroin since I last reported. Still living on her own in her 1-bed rented house and at the same job continuing to do well. Living her life and relying on herself. No more enabling from me - or for that matter, she doesn't even need help from me anymore. I'm thrilled with the way things have turned out. And I admit some of it was just pure luck, because I really crossed the line with the enabling and it blew up twice before things finally worked out. But she and I both learned a lot and are closer now because of it. And our relationship has more balance in it and is so much healthier.

I've said it before, I don't post about myself very much here. I don't know why, it's just me I guess. I'm a "rescuer" by nature so I'm more comfortable playing that role than the "rescue-ee". (Which is why it was so important for me to learn how to stop enabling.) But when I shared this with you all, it gave me perspective and helped just by being able to talk about it. And it helped by having other people to be able to talk it out with. That's always a good thing, in my book. One point of view is always a limited view.

Anyway, thanks. :)

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 34 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group