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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:16 am 
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my story about my heroin addiction is long.. i might break the record here for longest post on this forum so i am going to break it up into parts..

Pt I - The classic underachiever
I have always had a crazy side to me. I remember being a kid making pipe bombs and shooting off my pellet rifle with sniper scope. I know what you are thinking and no I did not ever shoot an animal. Only sprite cans. Anyway, despite my outlaw mentality as a youth I still conformed in many ways. I played sports and dated pretty girls. I was exceptional at football. I remember having 4 interceptions in one game. I never got good grades in high school. Flunked out of all the honor program classes. I was and still am the classic underachiever. I really don't like to blame anyone for my problems. I like to think of myself as a soldier with no army to fight for. But in reality I was an abused child. Ever since I can remember I have been subjected to my animal like father. His anger shocks me still. I once said the craziest thing I have ever witnessed is my father in all out "I dont give a f%^k mode." I was beaten regularly from about ages 4-14. At the age of 14 we had it out pretty good and he realized I would fight back so he stopped. Well not entirely. He tried to wrestle me 2 months ago but kind of gave up when he realized I don't fight back anymore and just laugh at him. My father thinks a child is basically a robot who should obey and never rebel. My brother barely got hit as a kid. I got my ass kicked on average about 4 times a week. I know I have suffered massive psychological damage from his madness but ehhhh it is what it is. I know I have issues but who doesn't. I have come to the conclusion life is random and most likely has no deep meaning to it. My ex-girlfriend during college majored in psychology and was amazed at how much I knew about psychology never having formally studied it. Let's just say I like to read books about psychology and child development. My interest in this area stems from my interest in knowing exactly why I am so f$#ked up.
Despite all this I always imagined I would have a pretty normal life. Yeah I smoked weed and drank and did shrooms but really that's not so abnormal for 17 year olds. My determination to have a good salary job got me through college. I majored in computer science at a 4 year state school and did well. Everyone thought I was a late bloomer. Oh how wrong they were. I continued to smoke copious amounts of marijuana and drink everday during college. I would drink all night and go to finals high and hung over and get As if i studied or Ds if I just reviewed. When I got to college the only reason I was accepted was for having a high SAT score. So they gave me a shot and put me on probation. So that first semester I got all As. Once I was off probation I got all Ds. But finally I found a good routine for myself and ended up with like a B average. That is how much I always underachieve. I never try and get bored very very quickly.
During my junior year at college I came across some morphine pills. Not a high mg pill. It was blue and tiny. This connection ran out after 6 pills and I felt a tad bit sick. Pretty much the sickness was gone after a day. But that feeling of opiates was breathtaking. Feeling like everything is just so right. Like life has meaning it never had before. I remember watching Scent of a Woman messed up on morphine and I felt like this was the greatest thing I have ever experienced. Better than sex. Better than anything. Well like I said before my connect dried up so back to marijuana and Johnnie Walker scotch it was. I was so naive then. I didn't know that I could just drive 25 minutes into the city and score heroin. I thought I would just smoke weed and that was it. How wrong I was....
My ex-girlfriend during this time hated my use of weed and alcohol. She tried to leave me a million times but always came back. I don't know why. Well, I do, but that would take way too long to explain. So I graduated from college and got a "great" job making 75 grand writing Java code for an accounting firm. My girlfriend graduated too and her being an international student her VISA expired. So she went back home to spend some time with her family. She was gonna get a job and save money and I guess we were going to get married. I guess that was the plan. I promised to stop smoking weed and drinking and stopped for 2 months before she left. Then one night opportunity struck and I was able to score a massive amount of superman X pills and ketamine. I remember her calling me and I was unable to talk. I just kept mumbling something about sorry and I'll talk to you tomorrow. I didn't talk to her again for a year and even then she just called me to yell at me and hang up. She still ignores me but I don't bother her anymore haven't bothered her in almost a year. I'm done messing her life up. She loves to punish me. I know she misses me but she thinks life is game of winning and losing. So in her limited mental capacity she has to always win and if she calls or contacts me then I win and she loses. It's pathetic but in reality I am more pathetic. I won't say I started using heroin because of her but it was certainly a factor. The alienation of the modern world. There were so many factors involved in my heroin abuse.
So there I was. Feeling lousy about everything. About having to go to a job I hated everyday. Feeling lonely and bored. Marijuana not working anymore. I was draped in tailored Armani with suspenders and coach ties but I was miserable. I had a closet full of marijuana and evisu jeans and I was depressed. That's when I realized how pointless the life I was living was. I fell into a complete depression and tried to drink away the world. I did a great job at work though. I was stoned on weed the whole time but weed has never hindered my abilities to a noticeable extent. Then I would go home and drink myself into a coma. Oh yeah and I moved out of my parents house and I was living in a pretty nice loft in the city. Everything from the outside seemed picture perfect. My neighbors loved me. "Oh the charming young man who dresses so nice and is so polite." Oh how little they knew.
Then one night a friend of mine came over on friday to drink and smoke with me all night. My friend and I got smashed. He recently got out of rehab for slamming H. We have been close friends since we were 11. The neighborhood I grew up in was highly affluent. Kids with too much money and too much time. I know for a fact that those kids I grew up with are mostly f'd up today. Most of them are drug addicts or alcoholics. Too spoiled and too much free time is a horrible combination. Anyway that night late at night my so called friend and I got into a conversation about opiates. I recalled my experience regarding morphine with him and he started fiending. I started fiending as well for that warm buttery euphoria. I knew he could score at any second and I asked him lets go get heroin. Sure we had to go to the ghetto but what the hell it would be fun. He said no. How he couldnt lead me down a path of heroin. It was all bullshit since it only took me five minutes to convince him. So to the ATM machine we went!!

Soon to come:
Pt II - Losing my soul in the depths of hell..


oh and sorry for the errors.. im exhausted at it is 9:10 am and have not slept all night.. i dont have the energy to edit this post..

I am putting it all out there so some kid out there in suburbia doesn't end up a poor shmuck like me.. if i could do it again I wouldnt have even drank a beer or smoked weed.. things would have been different.. but now my mind is corrupt and I can't forget the euphoria that comes with opiates.. i just cant..

oh and im not strung out anymore.. but when i get the chance i still use morphine or heroin.. please read my Part 2.. it is pretty disturbing..

so if i can't finish part II within a week or two just know that I got popped.. my parents don't help me out at all anymore..


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 Post subject: Wow
PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 11:34 am 
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Very interesting story. I just recently got around to reading it and would like to know how/if you got onto Suboxone and how you did on it.

Hope you are doing alright..


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 12:11 pm 
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It has been 16 months since you posted part 1 of your story, and no sign of part 2 yet. I hope that you are turning the corner and finding hope and help with your addiction.
Best wishes and love
Sneaky


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

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  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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