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PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 1:28 pm 
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So Ive been thinking for awhile I wanted to post my story on here, but wasn't sure if I was brave enough. I will try to share the "short version" as my husband would say. Thats what he asks for whenever I start telling him a story about anything.

Born in Southern CA. Chula Vista to be exact. Anyone whos been in that area knows of all the military bases there. My grandpa was a senior chief in the Navy. and my mom has never been far from her mom and dad.
My mom was always told she wouldnt be able to get pregnant. So she was about 6 mos along before she realized she was pregnant with me. Her and my father, had broken up a few months before, and of course they tried to "give it another shot" when she found out she was having his baby, but he was a junkie, so we all know the shot didn't last long when things didn't change. Im glad she didn't raise me with him, but it's taken a lifetime to understand why.
He came from a very catholic family. His mom called my mom, and asked her to have an abortion, becuase a baby outta wedlock is a horrible sin.........
My mom being a single parent, I spent every weekend at my grandma and grandpa's house. I have always been VERY close to my mom's parents.

When I was 7, my mom started dating a man that was in the Navy like my gpa. sometimes I wonder if she did this on purpose, looking for the "approval" from her mom and dad since my fathers relationship didnt work out. within a few months, my mom was pregnant, he had MOVED in, and life was completely different.

My little brother was born, my grandparents had moved to Oregon to retire, and I had a dad all of a sudden. No wonder I had behavioral issues.

We moved to oregon shortly after my grandparents did. What a culture shock I remember it being.
I stayed with my grandparents even more in my preteen yrs, as me and my dad DID NOT get along at all. He was very strict, my mom just cried all the time. They fought constantly. My brother got away with murder...........
I remember at 15 having to clean his room before I could go to a football game with my friend.
I used to have to "lay in bed and pretend to sleep" when I was 15 becuase my bro with throw a tantrum, and my mom told me to, so she wouldnt have to deal with the tantrum, or my dads yelling about the tantrum..........

By the time I was 16 my dad and I weren't speaking, he yelled alot, we physically fought alot, my mom just cried still.
So I moved out.
I moved into a 20' camper, about A half mile down the road from my grandparents house. I was completely happy. I got a german shepard who grew to 125 pds!! But he was my best friend.
When I graduated Highschool, yes managed to do this while working and living on my own, I went to meet my biological father for the first time.
It was definitely something I'll never forget, but it wasnt as romantic as I had invisioned.

I was experimenting with drugs before I started my senior yr of hs. by the time I graduated I was on meth, but when my grandparents found out I don't rember it being that hard to stop. I had this award winning (joke) boyfriend that I did meth with, he robbed a tavern, and ended up going to the pen. my grandparents really dealt with the situation pretty well.
I talked to him all the time while he was in jail. but all they were worried about was me stopping the meth.

So grandpa talked me into attending a local trade school. I signed up, and went. and although I didn't take it seriously for like the first 8 mos, I did eventually graduate.
this entire time, I didn't really talk to my mom or stepdad. the ocasional family get together, I saw them, but my stepdad just ignored me and mom just cried....are you detecting a pattern???

Anyway, I met my husband , at this trade school. we got married a few yrs later.
when I got done with school, I started as a union carpenter, and was making really good money, I was 19.
I hurt my back on the job, at about 21.........
I started getting pain pills, starting with vicodin, and suprisengly it really didnt become a problem for like 5 yrs. My grandpa died, and I think that may be what started the down ward spiral, plus it wasnt going anywhere good to begin with.

WE ALL know the addiction cycle,
Ill just give you the highlights.........
I had 3 doctors,
the last yr of active addiction, I pawned everything I owned.
stole my gmas credit card and ran up 5grand of cash advances.
took a loan out on a car me and my husband owned. it got repocessed.
wrote checks of people that trusted me.
STOLE from grocery stores, chain stores, to trade.
Sold perscriptions for other ppl,,,,that's how I supported my habit, by selling hundreds of pills a week.

I got pregnant with my son in 2008 and I had been on methadone for a few months. I was honest with my obgyn, and she gave me percocets while I was pregnant. I had a csection to have him, and two weeks later I was abusing methadone, and snorting oxys. I liked to do them at the same time, that was what i perferred..

My husband has been along for the ride. He DID get tired of me not working and never being home, being a pile of shit in general about the same time my family found out about the credit card.

I tried to quit on my own a few times, had a couple siezures.

a friend of mine got clean with suboxone, I had rememberd her telling me about it. Before then she was injecting morphine three times a day. anyway she had over a yr on subs, and was doing great......
I found her and she helped me get in the program.........april 14th, 2011

My new life began.
Im here for my son every day!!!!
Ive been working since june 20th. I even gota promotion a week ago!!!! I wouldve never thought THAT would happen agian. I really like my job. Im doing finish work now, its so much easier than what I was doing before....


THere's quite alot I left out for the SHORT version, and feel like I want to add on to. but im outta time for now, I'll try and get back on here later today...
I was in a really bad auto accident a month after having my son,,,,,rolled my suv twice.
OH ya and ive been "detained" for questioning like 3 times. i live in a very rural county!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:19 pm 
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Its always nice to read stories like this because well alot dont end like this. I can relate with you on not getting along with your dad sorry step dad. I had a very bad relationship with my dad for a long time and it def tooks its toll on me during active addiction. But u def came out stronger doing things on your own it seems, and im sure played a big role in getting clean.


But your story will def be a good inspiration for new comers.

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 6:36 pm 
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Wow Amber I am so sorry for what you went thru with your mom and step dad. You seem to be a very strong person and I am very happy you found the treatment you need. You now have the opportunity to give your son the childhood you missed. Your story is very inspirational and thank you for taking the time to share!


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 7:57 pm 
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THANKS YOU GUYS!!!!!!!

Yes I really feel im "on a mission" now to eduacate others, especially parents on how to talk to thier kids about drug use. I remember being really curious about drugs as a teen, and my mom just told me they were bad, and that's it.
she said it was okay to smoke pot once in awhile when your old enough. lol


Anyway, I feel like now, that im older if she wouldve at least taken the time to answer questions,and explain that addiction is different than drug use, I mightve still been an addict, but maybe not have been so blind-sided! who knows for sure.

My stepdad did some awful things when I was younger. Im still working thru them in therapy. He would physically punish me and my brother, tape our hands behind our back becuase we fought too much.
I remember once he caught me talking on the cordless phone outside and drug me into the house, hitting me in the side of the head with the phone as we went inside.
Now he tries to tell me how to discipline my son.......
but OF COURSE i ignore it. I went thru a parenting eduacation program when I first went on maintenance. its really helped alot. I mostly use positive enforcement with him. Plus he' s such a sensitive kid, he gets anxious REALLY easy, and hes not tht kinda kid that needs to be yelled at. and definitely not hit. I swatted his butt one time, and he still wore diapers, for running from me in aparking lot.....that was it. and he hasn't done it since.

So another thing Im working on in therapy is going thru the grief of losing my grandfather. Since he was the one that showed me unconditional love as a child. He died in 2004, just after I got married. He gave me away and IM so thankful he was here for that.
but it was after his death that I did start circling the drain so to say.
I guess I never realized it before. Its good tho, Im glad that im trying to feel my feelings and emotions now. I dreamof him once in awhile, it's like Im actually having a conversation with him.
it totally trips me out. becuase when I wake up I swear its reality. like I can smell his old cologne.......crazy huh??

My mom blames my biological father alot. I dont remember if I wrote on the last post that he's in a mental institution. has been for 5yrs now. Im the onlychild he ever had, even tho hes been married 4 dif times. He did so much dope that he cant live o n his own, take care of himself or even have a job.
thank god I got it together before that stage. I know that's where I was headed.
going back to my mom, when I would tell her what my stepdad did while she was at work or what ever as a child, she would say things like "why do you push him that far" "whats wrong with you"
TO THIS DAY she makes excuse after excuse for his behavior. becuase lets face it, hes still an ass.

but Im happy to say i am learning to work thru it, to get over the past. I dont know that ill ever forget whats happened to me, but I can appreciate that its made me WHO i am, and nothing will change that.
I can teach my son how to treat others, and that he deserves to be treated like a person, even if someone disagrees with him.
and im going to make mistakes as a parent, but I can apologize to him and move on. I will tell him every single day that I love him with my whole heart, and he will make me angry sometimes, I may be dissapointed in his behavior sometimes, but that Ill ALWAYS love him NO MATTER WHAT>>>>>>

Im learning how i will be able to make him feel safe to share his feelings when he gets older. He'll be 3 next month....

the other day I told the therapist I was uncomfortable when ppl cried in front of me. As a child it always seemed like fighting with my stepdad or my mom, they werent satisfied with the fight, until I cried. so naturally I learned to NEVER cry, to never show I was hurt. my therapist asked how many times i cried since being married, I replied "twice"
once when my dog died, and once when I had my son.'
I think she was surprised. I got married in 2003.
So Im working on showing emotion, and it's okay to be sad sometimes. its even okay to cry if you feel a need to do so. Well I dunno bout the crying yet,,,,but im making forward progress......lol

Okay I gotta get something done around here.

THANKS SO MUCH AGIAN YOU GUYS!!!!


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 12:42 am 
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Ive been pondering lately, if I ever want to be off suboxone.......I'm scared to try for more than one reason. I know I'll be able to be on a lower dose, but the thought of totally coming off is way too scary to think about.

I had been on different pain pills/opiates for over ten yrs, when I finally had enough and wanted to stop "the madness" as I call it. The first few times I tried cold turkey and on my own completely, were absolute failures as I have written about before; thats when I had the siezures.

The thing is, my addiction got worse every time I went back or gave up. Ive done so good since being on suboxone, 7 months now, I haven't had one slip.

I do have legitimate pain issues, Im a construction worker, and Ive done it for 12 yrs now. Ive had two terrible auto accidents, fell 15 to the concrete once, and numerous other injuries from work.

I would hate to go off suboxone, and back on to the meds agian. Ive done some kind of drug since the age of 15. This is BY FAR the longest I have gone without being in "active addiction"

My doctor hasn't really said anything about going off or tapering. He knows all of my pain issues. I can honestly say I feel better on the suboxone than I EVER did on anything else, pain wise.
Its almost like all the other crap made me hurt worse, becuase my brain was telling me it wanted more drugs.

I dont know if I'll ever be ready. Ive had people tell me "you just know" when/if your ready.
My addiction therapist says not to obcess about it becuase it's unhealthy. Sometimes I cant help it. Some members in my family are always asking when Im going to go off of it. I usually say when Im ready, or the doc says at least a year before we even discuss it. the doc also told me once that he makes people come up with 3 POSITIVE reasons for tapering before they can start.
negative examples are; i cant afford it, I wanna be totally clean, Im tired of having a crutch.
He wouldn't give a positive example.....lol
Just wanted to throw that out there. Like a fishing line, see if anyone bites........ha ha ah
Have a good nite friends :P


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 12:03 pm 
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Hi, I think a lot of us have to deal with our loved one's asking when are you getting off or hasn't it been long enough? My response is typically that they don't understand sub and if they took the time to research it, they would likely answer their own questions. Especially those of us that use it for pain as well. I often ask, would you rather me back on oxy? That typically quiets them rather quickly.

As to your question on when to stop, I am going to give you Hat's advice because I feel it is right on the money. Right now your happy, doing well, your pain is controlled and your not suffering any bad side effects. So right now it is a positive in your life so why worry about getting off. Being on sub now doesn't mean your making the decision to be on it for life, it just means right now it's working for you, so why fix what isn't broken? If this should ever change and you start experiencing negatives from your sub treatment then you can reassess where your at and if indeed you want to get off. No decision is ever set in stone, so I wouldn't even give it much thought. Enjoy feeling better than you have in quite some time and if it changes cross that bridge when you get there.

I am happy sub is working so well for you and allowing you to live the life you deserve!


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2011 12:19 pm 
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So I made it thru Thanksgiving well.......
My son had to have a timeout right in the middle of dinner, becuase he refused to sit down, and wouldnt listen to me or his dad. I gave him an extra warning even, but after 4 I knew the warnings werent working. After that he did just fine. but I did get "advise" given to me by my dad, which was, lets just say, enough to really piss me off.
But like I said I got thru it, and all in all it was a good time.
I had a really good therapy session yesterday. Therapy has been exhausting for me but I think that's how you know its working????
She asked me what my biggest fears were.
I said my son growing into the teenager I was......I remember it being SOOOO hard, I was so sad, and felt so shitty about myself ALL THE TIME. I was hardly ever happy, wanted to make my parents happy, but never really felt that I did, no matter how hard I tried, and was eventually on my own at 16.
So yea, I'd have to say that is my biggest fear. one of the reasons I wanted to start therapy was to kind of deal with my past, and abuse and learn to be there emotionally for my son, so that if he does feel crappy he will feel I am a safe place to share those feelings. I never remember even thinking I should share my feelings when I was growing up. in my family, you "took your licks" and "manned up" and thats it!!! or you were just a whiner.
Also I have been remembering so much from childhood, and young adulthood.
Horrible things that I pushed down, obviously becuase they were too painful to deal with.
So I do feel as if Im learning something, learning to deal with my feelings in a HEALTHY way.
She also told me I should be able to tell my dad, in a respectful manner, how I feel when he barrates me now, as an adult. and that he may like it, or he may not, its just NOT my problem. I need to do whats healthy for me and my recovery and that's it. I know it may sound like common sense but its just nice to hear.
Its also nice to hear that you didn't deserve what you got as a child, nobody deserves that. And that your resilant, and strong for getting this far in your life!!! I dont know why, but it does make me feel better. My dad has never admitted to any wrond doing, anything thats happend in the past and he's never, ever apologized for ANYTHING!!!
He is what he is. and abviously what change any time soon...............
What i dont understand, is, how you can be that freaking mean, how you can just "pretend" thers nothing that ever happened....Talk about unhealthy behavior!!! lol
Im almost in shock that I have almost 8 months of sobriety under my belt, but I know the moment I get too confident will be the moment I slip. And I think I have built a healthy support system for my feelings and mental health overall, which I definitely didnt have before, obviously right???
Well Ive rambled on enough for one day, I gotta get something done around here..........
thanks for the support everybody


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:09 am 
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EIGHT months yesterday.........................
Can hardly believe it. Its a little overwhelming, so I try not to think about it that much. I totally believe in the "one day at a time" its the only way to keep things manageable........

Haven't had any nightmares in over a week, which has been a welcome gift. hope it lasts.

Still having "flashbacks" of memories, some from childhood, some from active addiction. they're not all bad, but I feel the emotions from the past at the same time as Im getting like "still shots" (photos) in my head its very strange.
My therapist says it's part of my brain waking up. My career of active addiction was over ten years, 5 of them pretty intense. So I guess that makes sense. and I'd rather have that then the nightmares.........

its wierd....when your using,, you always know what kind of day you'll have emotionally,,, cuz your gonna get loaded, you know you wont give a shit about anything.
but now, when I wake up in the morning, my emotional day, its completely up in the air!!!! most of the time everythings fine, but its wierd to have a grumpy day, or a sad day,,,,,,,,,,, just not used to having emotions.
but im learning!!
and im improving every day, as a person, as a mommy, and learning to be there for my family
and that sure feels good.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2011 8:47 am 
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Amber it is great to feel emotions. I myself feel alot lately, I've just started my 4th month and It feels pretty good. i haven't had flashbacks but I do miss all the times i can't remember. My kids we'll say remember mom when??? I said no are I'll say yea and not!!!! :cry:
Mel

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:55 am 
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Amber,

You sound like you're actually doing really well, you're really working on your recovery and that's key to getting better.

Like a complete dumbass, I didn't REALLY start working on my recovery until I got off of Suboxone, I wish I would have put a lot more effort into my recovery while on Suboxone, like you're doing. Oh well, better late then never.

Recovery can be very painful at times, but as you know, it's necessary if we're gonna get better. Keep at it dude!!

Oh Yeah, congratulations on 8 months!! You Rock!!!!!

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:08 pm 
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Thanks so much for the support Mel, and Romeo!!!!!!!!!!

I was so freaking happy its friday when I woke up this morning. And now Im home from work, for the weekend. My son always gets excited when I say that as I come thru the door on fridays.
Hes only 3, so he doesnt keep track of the days of the week, yet.
sometimes he wakes up when im getting ready for work, and tells me "no go work today mama" it just tears my heart a little. thats why I try to take advantage of the time I do have with him. I feel guilty that I never gave it a second thought in active addiction.........
but I cant change that now. I can give him lots of GOOD memories though.

Just wanted to say thanks.
was still a little grumpy at work today, but not bad. I was kinda irate yesterday. OH well. good thing I work my ass off and my boss likes me I guess, cuz I get away with having the grumpy days.......LOL

Have a great weekend everybody. I got lots of OT this week, Im ssssooooo glad, next week i'll actually be able to buy christmas presents. I will be shopping on FRIDAY nite, but christmas isn't til sunday, so I'll be JUST in time.......LOL thankfully, I'll have a very nice paycheck......


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2011 12:23 pm 
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Amber,
I glad your gotten help while your son was young.. I have a 23 and 19 year old sons and my daughter is 8. But my boys have turned out to be very good men. Both getting continuing their educations and NO drugs THANK GOD!!!!! They drink but nothing like their mom did :o .
My daughter one day in the car picking up meds,I was talking to my mom and my uncle's meds were more expensive then he thought, I said to my mom well he can sell some. My daughter said "Yea that's what mom does". It was shocking to know she was aware of my behavior. I can think of lots of reasons I'm working on staying clean. I tell you, if for any reason it is my kids.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Merry Christmas!!!!
Mel :wink:

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2011 1:39 pm 
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it is aaammmaaazing what they pick up!!!!! Ive never told anybody this,,, but when I started subs, my son was just starting to speak in sentences,,,,
and I always had him with me on my "erands" ya know. I never worked or anything, my husband did, so while daddys at work we just rode around in the car doing whatevr mama had to do....
so the first few months on subs,,,, we would be going somewhere in the car, he'd be like "we going to NAME house " we would be on the same street or block of a place I used to buy from and he KNEW THE DEALERS NAME!!!!!!! more than one actually!!! I counted once, he knew about 5 people!!!! I was sooooo embarrased,
thankfully thats all history,,, and hes forgotten. when he said that I just said,, mommy doesnt need to go there anymore.
and that was that.
thank god kids are so resilant.
and forgiving.
just wanted to add that, I know how that moment felt for you,,, or at least a little.
and Im going to do everything I can to keep him away from that life.

its inspiring to hear its possible!!!


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2011 2:09 pm 
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My daughter was aware of my pain pill use too, it shocked the crap out of me!! She would ask me several mornings why I was taking medicine and I would tell her it was for pain and she said something to the effect of "they make you act weird." She was only 7 or 8, or so, at the time.

I take blood pressure medication every morning, but she doesn't say a word about that?? I guess my blood pressure med's don't make me act weird?? LOL!!

Yeah, it's stunning just how sharp children are, we think we're really pulling the wool over their little eyes, but they see and understand a whole lot more than we think they do.

When I got off of Suboxone, it was summer break for my daughter and I had her stay home with me so she could see the consequences of my drug abuse. She was 11 years old at the time and my wife and I felt that she was old enough and mature enough to watch me go through wd in an effort to impress upon her how awful addiction can be. She got the message loud and clear!!

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2011 2:55 pm 
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thats great romeo,,,,,, that you were able to use that experience in such a positive way!!! Its really ingenious too! my spelling sux, but hopefully you get what Im trying to say.....lol
my son used to throw a fit whenever I said we were going 'bye bye' too. becuase he;d be stuck in the car for hours. sometimes all day. NOW he loves to go bye bye with mommy.....
what a change.
ive often thought of what to do when he gets older, to show what drugs can lead to. I thought once of having him volunteer at a homeless shelter or something. ive heard before, that even if your teenager doesnt listen to you,, if they listen to SOMEONE thats a positive influence, thats all that matters. so I was thinking th shelter thing, im sure people would share thier stories with him, and maybe just maybe he could get something from them, if he doesnt want to listen to me. plus we know how selfish teenagers CAN be, not all, but some, and volunteering at a shelter would show him how much the world doesnt give a shit about you, and you gotta make your own way out there. something I was for sure not aware of, living on my own at 16.
so if you have any other ideas about that, id sure like to hear them!! my therapist thinks its VERY INTERESTING that my biggest fear in life, is my son becoming THE teenager I was. I told her NOone should feel how I did at that age, and ill do anything in my power to make sure another human doesnt go thru what i did, especially NOT my son!!!!!

Romeo,,, you rock


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2011 7:02 pm 
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Truth be told, my daughter was a huge factor in my deciding to clean my life up. I just love that kid so much it's ridiculous. I remember my boss telling me, before she was born, that I wouldn't believe the love that my heart is capable of.....and he was right, it stuns the crap out of me how much love my heart is capable of, I didn't know I had it in me?

Because I love her so much, I too was deathly afraid of her turning out like I did. She was not going to have suffer a life of addiction, not if I had anything to do with it.

One of the things that I believe lead to my addiction is right in the title of this thread.....Black Sheep--Lonely Child--confused Teenager....those were all me and I believe I can sum it all up with a few words, lack of love. The lack of love I received as a child/teen fucked me up. So the first thing I decided to do with my daughter was to show her love. A child needs to be loved and needs to feel like they belong to have any chance at coming out right.

I am certainly not telling you all this because I think you don't love your child, I'm pretty dang sure you love him to pieces and that's awesome. I was just giving you my take on a part of why I am the way I am.

So, something else I did to try and get my daughter to keep her eyes open to addiction was I took her to a couple of my NA meetings.....she thought we were B.O.R.I.N.G!! LOL!!! Yeah, she cracked me up when she said that to me. I guess NA meetings would be pretty damn boring for a 12 year old!!

I honestly like the idea of taking your son to a homeless shelter, there's some harsh reality in there. He's sure to hear some interesting stories, hopefully some of the stories really get to him.

I think you and I may have spoke about this before, but I also try to make sure I don't lie to my daughter about drugs. Those stupid commercials about the fried eggs saying "this is your brain on drugs" must have been dreamt up by some non-addict. I'm careful to tell my daughter that she may use drugs once or twice or 12 times before addiction sets in, I let her know that if she does some kind of drugs that her head isn't gonna all of a sudden explode. I grew up not far from the Detroit area and the news in the early 80's was all about crack cocaine and how your heart would explode if you smoked crack. Well, I just had to smoke some crack to see if my heart would explode and when it didn't, I knew all this shit everyone was telling me about drugs was a bunch of crap and I was off to the races then. I figured everything I was told about drugs was a lie and that ended up fucking me up hard because all the lies I was told about drugs was my license to go out and use like a frickin' mad man.

BTW, the only reason "I Rock" was because I happened to be listening to Bad Girlfriend by Theory of a Deadman while I was writing that last post. I was listening to Barry Manilow while writing this reply....that's why it sucks so bad!!! LOL!!!

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 1:08 am 
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I noticed you said you had seizures while WDing, are you using benzos or alcohol as well? I do not believe opiates can give seizures from WD. If that is the case and you are still using them please be careful.

Anyways, my family history is complex and lots of it is because of the way I look at it. I have been in therapy off and on for years. This last year I have grown more than I have in the previous 10. Of course, this is after I stabilized on sub and stopped using opiates and other things. The craziest thing to me (now) is the fact that I knew I was self medicating because of these issues, but I still couldn't stay off of the substances.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 11:20 am 
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I wasnt using benzos every day, I did once in awhile when I couldnt find anything. I also had a bottle of a thousand tramadol that I'd eat by the handful when I ran outta methadone. And Ive never been much of a drinker, not after I found opiates anyways.......lol

I did talk to my doc about the two siezures I had, both times I was coming off about 140-180 mgs of methadone down to 0 and when I first started seeing this doc, I hadnt really been truthful with one in years, so he ran all sorts of tests, and since I dont really know my biological father, he was able to "write in" and get medical records, aparently my father has a history of siezures, relating to high stress situations when not taking the proper meds.
so the doc wasnt sure it that had anything to do with it, if the cocktail of drugs I was taking led to it, or what. he said I mite have been taking more benzos than I knew and he also said taking too much tramadol causes siezures as well.
Im just glad I was okay, except a cuple broken teeth, which my teeth are crap anyway. im glad it was at least part of what opened my eyes.

and yes Romeo,,,, I talk to my therapist all the time about how I dont really feel a connection to people like I think other people do. Im not a "touchy" person. hugging doesnt feel natural to me,,,, except for my son....
he makes it so easy to hug him and love him. but when he was turning from a baby to a toddler I did make sure that I cuddled with him alot. yes, I had to concentrate on it, becuase I just really dont remember that kind of attention as a child. anyway Ive had one appointment with the adiction therapist where I broght him with me, she wanted to see how our interaction was, and when we left she said I was worrying over nothing! lol
its just everyone else in my family that I dont really hug......
Im working thru it.
I also have probly only cried twice in ten yrs. once when I had my son, nad once when my dog died that I absolutely loved to death.....
therapy has helped me work thru that as well. that I built these walls as survival. I told her when I was a kid, my stepdad or mom never seemed 'satisfied ' until i was in tears. satisfied, I mean with the yelling at me or whatever else was going on that day, until I broke completely and cried and said sorry.
SO as I got older I was like, Im not crying for ANYTHING. and if I did, nobody knew about it.
all that got was alot more of a shit tornado falling on around me,,,but im ultra stubborn that way. I couldnt let them win right, ????
im not sure if I had that in this thread anywhere before. so apologies if I did.
and I am working on "feelings & emotions" in therapy, it sure is helping. Its exhausting, but its working.
she once asked after my 2nd apt
"how do you feel when you leave here"
I said,,,, I feel like I have all this emotiomal throwup that comes out when im in here, all over the room, then I leave, and Im leaving it here"
I think she was trying not to laugh, and said Ok but do you at least FEEL better when you leave?
I said,,,, of course,,, everybody feels better after they puke, dont they???? and I was laughing when I said it. but explained that Im a very visual person, so analogies work best for me, that I can relate to visuallly.
Im glad she 'gets' me and especially my sense of humor


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 3:06 pm 
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Ahh... I am 99 percent sure Tramadol withdrawal can cause seizures, due to the part SSRI nature they had. I was going to include that in my last post, not sure why I didn't.

I had one seizure, and it was due to a combination of a few beers a day everyday for a long time plus a few months of benzo abuse (off and on, but it raised my dependence big time). It really sucked and I vow to never put myself in that position again. When initially detoxing I stopped taking my Wellbutrin because I knew it lowered the seizure threshold. On day 4 I thought I was in the clear so I took my Wellbutrin. Big frickin mistake. Honestly, I probably could have avoided it if I had had a beer or two a day for a few days but I wanted to stop.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 8:14 pm 
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it is, a VERY eye-opening experience. . . was for me anyway. the first one happened when I was alone, so nobody had to know about it.....lol....I pretty much ignored it, and ya know called whoever I needed to, to get what I needed without money.
the second however, was with my son and husband home, and that REALLY sucked. I was actually trying to just take tramadol and be 'good'
its amazing what you can put the human body thru isnt it???
how did I ever think going from 150mg aday of methadone/2 oxy 80s just to like 20 tramadol a day was gonna be a GOOD thing for me???
I'll never know thankfully.
I knew a lot of people at the time that would take the trams when they didnt have anything else, and I never heard anything about siezures. but when you buy drugs off the street you dont exactly get the "counsel" button you have at the pharmacy, right?? lol
so glad Im not playing the part of my own doctor/pharmacist anymore !!!


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

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