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PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 6:38 pm 
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Hi all!! I just posted like an ahole on a board 4 years old lol. K here's my story. I am 43. I have 2 of the most amazing twin daughters God could create. I have a loving caring and supportive husband who I married in 2014. I also have 2 beautiful step daughters and step grandbabies all of which I have never met:(. Anyway, I smoked pot and drank in high school like many do. Never felt I needed it. I got married to my ex who was a junkie in 1995. I didn't touch any substance. I had to keep a straight head cuz God knows he wasn't going to. Anyway, I met him in 93. He started beating me in 94...took a little bit to brainwash me. We got married in 95. I had twin girls in 96 and I left him when they were 3months old, divorced at their age of 6no. I tell you all this to tell you this. I was beaten, strangled, suffocated, duct taped from head to toe with very long hair, shot at and other stuff but the worst was being offered by my ex to his buddy for a bag of cocaine....so raped by a couple of his nasty buddies. All that to get here, sorry, please bear with me, trying to be short. I developed severe depression, PTSD, trauma, etc. Not to mention feeling like a piece of trash. I liked to go out drinking with friends but had no problem. I tried every antidepressant, shrink imaginable. I got a tooth infection and was given hydrocodone 7.5s. WELL HOT DAMN I FELT HUMAN AGAIN. All emotional pain was numb. I enjoyed playing with my babies again. I didn't feel hopeless on those. It started 1 pill a night. I worked a good paying job and did it sober. When I got home at night I popped a hydro (dang how I wish that would do it to me now lol) Sorry, I am very honest about EVERYTHING! Time went by, tolerance grew....blah blah you know the drill. I'll give more details later. I loved any opiate. I called my daughters Dr faking them coughing to get narcotic cough syrup. Yes that's low. I stole from friends family, my poor father with degenerative disc disease. Found people to sell them to me. It wasn't a huge ordeal back then. Dr's called them in!! Anyway many things happened and went to rehab 3 times, detox God only knows how many. I was high in 2007 had a wreck, flipped a jeep, crushed discs in my back, broke every bone in left foot. Praise God and by His grace and mercy alone my kids only had bumps and bruises and no one else was involved!! I am a born again Christian but I'm also an addict with a potty mouth at times. Please forgive me! Anyway I had pretty intense surgeries but I got pills so I was good. Then they were taken away. People got smart and I had no more access except buying illegally. Laws got strict, pills were hard to find. Started on kratom which I still use. Got a job at a gas station that sold k2 and bath salts. Started snorting bath salts. Wow my physical pain disappeared. Bath salts banned so Started meth. So you see my downward spiral. Kids lived with my parents cuz I was so out of control. I was homeless. Got a new job, apartment and met my now hubby. Was coming down off meth one day, stole his sister's rings and pawned them. Got caught. Thank God he forgave me and stuck by me. I am almost off probation. I am so grateful she turned me on. No one ever did before and believe me they should have!! I decided to run back to God as fast as possible. I'm not perfect, I'm forgiven. I can't do it alone and I am guilty of not letting it all go to God. I will take it right back. So I got help With subutex. With lots of prayer and serious work and confession my relationship with my daughters are stronger and closer than ever. I still slip but what matters is I get back on the path. Thanks for reading. I'll catch up with other members stories as I can. So glad I'm not alone!!


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PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 6:52 pm 
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So sorry my story is so long... I even shortened it....geez! Fyi I don't sugar coat anything, I'm totally honest about everything. If you aren't you will be recovered. You will just be a sober addict.... Like a dry drunk ya know? I talk about cravings, I talk about if I've abused by buprenorphine. I'm an addict and I still have the mind of an addict. That's gonna take time to rewire my brain away from that. I will however be respectful and post those topics in the proper forum. Therefore, if it is a trigger for you then you do not have to go to that post. I respect all opinions without judgement as long as I get the same respect and you are truly passionate cuz I am. Sorry but I tend to run my mouth at times or talk out my ass. Its not my intention to hurt feelings or upset anyone. PLEASE Come to me if I do so I can humbly apologize. I agree to disagree and/or apologize when I am wrong. Thanks guys!! Can't wait to get to know you all!! P. S. I am done babbling now lol


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PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 7:41 pm 
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Welcome trying.....

You've got a long, painful story as do we all No need to apologize for any of that.

But I'm a little confused. Likely my fault. You're taking Subutex now? How long have you been on?
Are you currently sober? How much subtext are you currently taking?

If the info's in there, forgive me. One quick hint, It's easier for posts to be read if they have some breaks in them. Of course we're not professional writers and this isn't English class, thankfully,. But it is easier on the eyes.

You mention cravings. Thats the beauty part of buprenorphine, that in sufficient doses it quite magically (or so it feels) does away with that terrible, grinding junk hunger.

Interested in hearing more along those lines if you care to share.

Best wishes,
Godfrey


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PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 8:46 pm 
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hi trying
thanks for sharing your painful history. that was probably difficult for you to share.
it sound like you type just like you talk, too!
are you in therapy as well?
sis

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PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 9:34 pm 
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It's not always easy to tell every aspect of things we've done while in active addiction...

I'm pretty honest on this site ...don't feel the need to lie. I feel for anyone who's in active addiction, and nothing is so bad that it automatically puts you in some "ok, you're nothing but trash" classification..
We've all done things that we would never even consider doing when not fueling an addiction...
The only thing I never did, and I drew a line ..was anything demeaning in a sexual manner. I think back on the movie "Don't Be a Menace"...where the guy is hooked on crack and tells the other guy "I'll suck yo *** man"...

That's the one thing I wouldn't let myself do. Even when I went to jail...I didn't have any opiates and had to detox cold turkey while in there, then entire 23 days was misery...but I still wouldn't / couldn't do anything along those lines. I did know lots of young ladies who would do whatever they had to just to get a fix. And I even knew one who didn't need a fix...she just needed a ride about 2 miles up the road and back...and she was willing to "go down"...
I think back on things that I've tried to forget..lots of things I've blocked out because I don't want to have that memory...but I try to make sure that I don't forget certain things..because if I make it something mild or a non-issue, then you began to think "it wasn't really that bad, I could do it again and just not go that far"....and you've convinced yourself to chance death again and sacrifice it all for a buzz that barely lasts 12 hours (4-5 in most cases)..

Don't get me wrong, I loved the opiate buzz. I loved that euphoria. I loved being able to just talk and talk for however long about anything, and do the stupidest, minuscule things and they would appear important as hell. That was what got me... And I know I would've been an excellent candidate for meth, but i just never went down that road. I stayed on opiate painkillers. Now, for the most part, I had to buy them on the street...but once I found oxycontin, I thought I was in heaven.

It's amazing how time goes by while your chasing these pills and staying high. Before I realized it, I had spent nearly 6 years popping some sort of pill each and every day. I had ruined my reputation with everyone that knew me. I had pawned/sold everything valuable that I owned at the time...and I had broken trust of people ...the most important people...family. I had stolen things..stolen money...would up in the middle of the night and decide to take inlaws vehicle for a pill pick-up...and would just leave..
Now they didn't mind me using their cars...but I wasn't going places that I should've been going. Especially not at 2 or 3 in the morning.
It's so much to remember..but I insure that I don't forget because it's what makes me who I am today.
I cleaned up my life, just barely saved what was left of a failing marriage..and actually had another baby with my wife after I got clean..
And I adore my daughter with all my heart. She's been a part of my sobriety that I just can't explain... And she'll never know just how vital a part she played. I was not on the verge of relapse or considering using pills again...but, when my daughter came along I had been clean for nearly 4 years...my youngest son was starting school...and things were about to change in a major way for me and my wife...no kids at home during the day for us. It was something we looked forward to, but also was a little stressful...what would we do with our time? How would we spend our days while all the kids were gone to school...besides doing what married folks do?...

Apparently, that 'doing what married folks do' wasn't finished with us....because my son started school, and the week before he went for his first day of kindergarten ...we find out my wife is pregnant. We knew the chance was there for it to happen....because in April the doctor told my wife she needed to have her murina replaced...it had been there for 4 years and was time to come out...
So she had to have it removed, and then wait on the murina to be ordered by the doctor. In May, they called to have her come in and have it ordered...but she missed the appointment. Then, June 6 was our anniversary - and we had a "good" time...I'd say it's 75% likely that my daughter was conceived on our anniversary -- June 6, 2011. On August 1st, the first at-home positive test...then August 3rd, doctor appt confirmed pregnant. It was like...oh boy, here we go again. But I have loved EVERY minute of it. The way I've been with my baby, I wish I had been with my other 3 kids. I don't know if it's age, maturity, wisdom....or whatever. I just wish I had been able to have the same relationship with the others while they were younger, same as I do with Reagan...the baby.

There's nothing like having a baby sleep on your chest to make your realize that life can be beyond fantastic...great..wonderful...
And there's no drug that will give you that high either. No amount of opiates could ever bring me what Reagan brought to me...
My wife claims that I have her spoiled. I know I have her spoiled...but, one day (YEARS AND YEARS) when I walk her down the aisle...I want her to know that even though I was her daddy, she was more than just my daughter... And I can't imagine what life would've been without her coming along.
But, she starts school in just a couple months from now...and the baby machine is out of order...so, there's no more babies happening around here. (or there better not be)...
I won't even consider my 16 year-old daughter as a prospect to have one right now...because she would likely not live to enjoy motherhood.

Keep your focus!

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 7:11 am 
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godfrey wrote:
Welcome trying.....

You've got a long, painful story as do we all No need to apologize for any of that.

But I'm a little confused. Likely my fault. You're taking Subutex now? How long have you been on?
Are you currently sober? How much subtext are you currently taking?

If the info's in there, forgive me. One quick hint, It's easier for posts to be read if they have some breaks in them. Of course we're not professional writers and this isn't English class, thankfully,. But it is easier on the eyes.

You mention cravings. Thats the beauty part of buprenorphine, that in sufficient doses it quite magically (or so it feels) does away with that terrible, grinding junk hunger.

Interested in hearing more along those lines if you care to share.

Best wishes,
Godfrey


Bear with me while I get this all figured out lol. Ok I'm on subutex now 8mg 3 times a day. I still crave those opiates and the meth. I'm glad you guys get it cuz it's hard on your own. I mean I have a supportive family and friends but until you have been there I don't believe you can truly understand. And trust me I am never wanting sympathy when I tell my story. I just appreciate understanding. Dang we all have war stories. If our lives were easy I doubt we would be on here lol. It is so much easier with my subutex bit dang it I still crave
It gets easier. Idk about anyone else but boredom is a HUGE trigger for me. Anyone else?

Thanks for the pointers here. PLEASE KEEP SHARING WITH ME lol I'm trying I promise


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 7:21 am 
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:roll: opp hi
SisterMorphine wrote:
hi trying
thanks for sharing your painful history. that was probably difficult for you to share.
it sound like you type just like you talk, too!
are you in therapy as well?
sis


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 7:27 am 
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Trying2stayclean wrote:
:roll: opp hi
SisterMorphine wrote:
hi trying
thanks for sharing your painful history. that was probably difficult for you to share.
it sound like you type just like you talk, too!
are you in therapy as well?
sis


I think I replied with a file oops!! I forgot to add yrs my story sucks but so does everyone else's. I never want sympathy, just understanding. So glad you guys get it!!


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 7:48 am 
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jonathanm1978 wrote:
It's not always easy to tell every aspect of things we've done while in active addiction...

I'm pretty honest on this site ...don't feel the need to lie. I feel for anyone who's in active addiction, and nothing is so bad that it automatically puts you in some "ok, you're nothing but trash" classification..
We've all done things that we would never even consider doing when not fueling an addiction...
The only thing I never did, and I drew a line ..was anything demeaning in a sexual manner. I think back on the movie "Don't Be a Menace"...where the guy is hooked on crack and tells the other guy "I'll suck yo *** man"...

That's the one thing I wouldn't let myself do. Even when I went to jail...I didn't have any opiates and had to detox cold turkey while in there, then entire 23 days was misery...but I still wouldn't / couldn't do anything along those lines. I did know lots of young ladies who would do whatever they had to just to get a fix. And I even knew one who didn't need a fix...she just needed a ride about 2 miles up the road and back...and she was willing to "go down"...
I think back on things that I've tried to forget..lots of things I've blocked out because I don't want to have that memory...but I try to make sure that I don't forget certain things..because if I make it something mild or a non-issue, then you began to think "it wasn't really that bad, I could do it again and just not go that far"....and you've convinced yourself to chance death again and sacrifice it all for a buzz that barely lasts 12 hours (4-5 in most cases)..

Don't get me wrong, I loved the opiate buzz. I loved that euphoria. I loved being able to just talk and talk for however long about anything, and do the stupidest, minuscule things and they would appear important as hell. That was what got me... And I know I would've been an excellent candidate for meth, but i just never went down that road. I stayed on opiate painkillers. Now, for the most part, I had to buy them on the street...but once I found oxycontin, I thought I was in heaven.

It's amazing how time goes by while your chasing these pills and staying high. Before I realized it, I had spent nearly 6 years popping some sort of pill each and every day. I had ruined my reputation with everyone that knew me. I had pawned/sold everything valuable that I owned at the time...and I had broken trust of people ...the most important people...family. I had stolen things..stolen money...would up in the middle of the night and decide to take inlaws vehicle for a pill pick-up...and would just leave..
Now they didn't mind me using their cars...but I wasn't going places that I should've been going. Especially not at 2 or 3 in the morning.
It's so much to remember..but I insure that I don't forget because it's what makes me who I am today.
I cleaned up my life, just barely saved what was left of a failing marriage..and actually had another baby with my wife after I got clean..
And I adore my daughter with all my heart. She's been a part of my sobriety that I just can't explain... And she'll never know just how vital a part she played. I was not on the verge of relapse or considering using pills again...but, when my daughter came along I had been clean for nearly 4 years...my youngest son was starting school...and things were about to change in a major way for me and my wife...no kids at home during the day for us. It was something we looked forward to, but also was a little stressful...what would we do with our time? How would we spend our days while all the kids were gone to school...besides doing what married folks do?...

Apparently, that 'doing what married folks do' wasn't finished with us....because my son started school, and the week before he went for his first day of kindergarten ...we find out my wife is pregnant. We knew the chance was there for it to happen....because in April the doctor told my wife she needed to have her murina replaced...it had been there for 4 years and was time to come out...
So she had to have it removed, and then wait on the murina to be ordered by the doctor. In May, they called to have her come in and have it ordered...but she missed the appointment. Then, June 6 was our anniversary - and we had a "good" time...I'd say it's 75% likely that my daughter was conceived on our anniversary -- June 6, 2011. On August 1st, the first at-home positive test...then August 3rd, doctor appt confirmed pregnant. It was like...oh boy, here we go again. But I have loved EVERY minute of it. The way I've been with my baby, I wish I had been with my other 3 kids. I don't know if it's age, maturity, wisdom....or whatever. I just wish I had been able to have the same relationship with the others while they were younger, same as I do with Reagan...the baby.

There's nothing like having a baby sleep on your chest to make your realize that life can be beyond fantastic...great..wonderful...
And there's no drug that will give you that high either. No amount of opiates could ever bring me what Reagan brought to me...
My wife claims that I have her spoiled. I know I have her spoiled...but, one day (YEARS AND YEARS) when I walk her down the aisle...I want her to know that even though I was her daddy, she was more than just my daughter... And I can't imagine what life would've been without her coming along.
But, she starts school in just a couple months from now...and the baby machine is out of order...so, there's no more babies happening around here. (or there better not be)...
I won't even consider my 16 year-old daughter as a prospect to have one right now...because she would likely not live to enjoy motherhood.

Keep your focus!


Awww sounds like you have So much to enjoy now!!! I agree about the lying. I don't personally know you guys so why lie??? I need to purge all the b.s. inside me. Its healing. Besides, I can't hide from God or myself lol. So glad you are doing well! And PS.... You are SUPPOSED to spoil them now lol. I have twin niece and nephew who will be a year in July. I have them so spoiled it should be in jail for it lol


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 9:46 am 
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Hey Trying2stayclean welcome to the forum.

There's no judgement here, we've all done things that we'd never think of doing now that we're in recovery. I was in an abusive relationship during active addiction. I spent two years with someone feeding me pills and beating the crap out of me whenever something triggered him. I dont talk about that much because I'm pretty ashamed of myself for staying with that person. I have this big temper (probably from red hair lol) and stayed with someone who was mean to me when I could have left at any second. I hate thinking about it. At least we made it past those relationships right?

So glad u found buprenorphine. I have a question though, did u say that u still use kratom? Is it a lot, a little, or what? Kratom is dangerous, we've had several ppl on this forum who were used to kratom and then get incredibly sick from it. U should search around on the forum for those stories, it could very well make u too scared to mess with it. Dr Junig has talked about contaminates found randomly in kratom that has made ppl extremely sick. I just want u to be aware. No judgement, just be aware. I knew very little about it before I came to this forum. Now I'm convinced it's dangerous, especially if u get the wrong batch.

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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 8:37 pm 
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Hello Trying,

I am Queenie. I am called, by my dear friends here, the grandmother of the forum. I am 74 years old. I won't go on & on about myself but if you look back, please look for my original post. I got here just like you did. Desperate, addicted and a wreck after having my left leg amutated then a few years later, my right one. I was addicted way before then but the amputations make for some good stuff.

You don't have to be ashamed of ANYTHING. I can't imagine going through what you went through. My eyes watered when I read that your ex sold your body for cocaine. I can't imagine how that must have been. The abuse and the addiction. That is too much for one person.

You have 2 beautiful daughters to live for and extended family. You have a great husband now and you can do this. I understand the cravings and the going in & out. What happens if you try Subutex alone? Do you get sick? If you don't, can you try to just be, as we say here, "normal" You seem to need to feel the high. I'm not here to pressure you or lecture you. I just wish you could go on the Subutex and leave other stuff alone. I think the other stuff makes you relapse and have strong cravings.

Mainly, keep trying, feel good about yourself and keep praying. My daughter and son-in-law have been married 30 years. Of those 30 years we have lived in a two-family house for 25 years. I have 2 wonderful grandsons. Check this out: My son-in law is a born again Christian, minister, pastor, reverend and Dr. of ministry. He was living right upstairsfrom me, an addict for 25 years. I can't say I am a born again christian. I would be lying. In fact, I am Cuban descent and I believe in saints(God first always) So, I just pray that I stay clean.

I didn't mean to go on & on but I want you to realize we are all different but, in addiction, we are all the same.

I will pray for you. I will just ask God to help "Trying" O.K ?

My hugs to you. Stay here with us. It's a great home and you can come here anytime. We are family now.

Love, Queenie


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 9:58 pm 
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Thank you sweetie!! I pray so many times in a day. I'm a born again Christian so why am I am addict?? I know you cannot answer that question but I ask myself that everyday. And honey you are absolutely right I do want to feel that high period I just know I can't do it with stuff that is going to rip my kids away from me or kill me. I would be lying if I told you I did not like the high. That is something I'm trying to work on. Thank you for your prayers and I definitely want to talk to you more when I have some more time. And I will read your story as soon as I can


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 10:06 pm 
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Queenie I honestly want to get to where I don't say that high. I never hated how it made me feel. I did hate what it made me do. To be honest I hated the way I felt when I did not have it. That scares the living crap out of me too! So basically I'm hoping to get lots of encouragement here. I promise I will have bad days where I'm not in a very good mood or I'm feeling sorry for myself. That does not mean I will be using it just means I will be crabby LOL


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 10:18 pm 
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I think that came out wrong so let me explain something. I did not mean I want to get high on my subutex and kratom. I am trying to get to the place I want to feel happy, content and mostly normal without anything. Sorry I just had to explain that because I did not want to give the wrong impression. But I do want to stress that I am definitely working on getting to that point. Unfortunately some days are worse than others LOL


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 11:59 pm 
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I'm a newbie too. I posted last week but I don't think many saw my post. I just wanted to say hello and wish you the very best on this crazy, but rewarding road of recovery. I'm kinda in a crappy mood today. It's day 3 on subs after coming off of oxys and kratom. I'll keep an eye for your posts and feel free to DM me anytime!


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PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 12:25 am 
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Awesome! For sure!!


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PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 10:35 pm 
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Hi Trying, just thought I'd pop in before bed and see how you're doing, A little tired from Mother's Day but it was so nice. Daughter & son-inlaw bought tickets to a concert. My favorite Cuban Orquestra. I'm Cuban descent. The today dinner and laughs with my two grandsons.

Well, I hope thoings are going alright for you. Have you tried the Subutex alone? You don't get high but you don't get sick.

I hope you get used to them. I have already after 5 years... In fact a few mo nths ago, I forgot to take them for about 3 1/2 days. I was in the supermarket and I was feeluing strange. I came home and layed down. I wasn't sick, I only felt a headache and I felt lazy. Then I remembered na put one under my tongue. In about 40 minutes later, I felt fine and went on with my routine.

I can be done, sweetheart. You keep trying and stay with our group. We are here for you.

I will write soon, Love, Queenie


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PostPosted: Tue May 23, 2017 8:47 pm 
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I am happy that I was able to see how everyone is doing. Thank you for sharing your story. It is hard sometimes. I thought i was totally in control. I knew i was an alcoholic had my surgery and thought i could handle pain pills. Nope went as hard as i could. I OD on april 1. My husband cane in time to tell the paramedics i may have taken too much percs. I still kept going once back home. Got my script from doc.. they diacharged me with a 90 script... crazy


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