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PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 7:03 pm 
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I finally told my wife about my addiction and about the suboxone program. She is kind and understanding but I don't want it to be a topic that defines our relationship. Yes I'm sure there has been some things that have hurt her because of my addiction but for the most part I have been an extremely functional addict. The biggest problem we have is my sex drive because of the opiates it seems like i never want to have sex. The psychiatrist that is part of my suboxone recovery wants my wife to come with me to a session but I really dont want to do this. Its not that my wife wouldnt go I just dont want to make my problems hers and it really bothers me that a person that knows little about me and nothing about my marriage wants to bring us together in an extremely awkword situation.

When I was young I dabbled in drugs and my mother started going to these alanon meeting. Pretty soon it was like she had joined a cult, it was even like she had her own little AA language. Alanon and AA competely destroyed my parents relationship and I was the only one that ever used anything. I dont want this to happen to me and my wife. I believe more times than not psychotherapy ends up hurting more relationships than helping and AA for the most part completely destroys peoples relationships. It seems like psychotherapy and AA teaches people to look out for themselves and they should always do whats in an individuals best interest, I believe this creates conflict instead of a normal give and take relationship.

I have never really started a topic so please let me know if this is a topic worthy subject.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 7:12 pm 
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"AA for the most part completely destroys peoples relationships"

Is it possible that alcoholism and drug abuse is what completely destroys peoples relationships? The comment in quotes really sounds to me like an addict talking.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 10:39 pm 
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The selfish self-centerd part of you didn't tell your wife about your problem......I am sure that didn't help with trust issues....You automatically assume your doctor talking to you and your wife is an issue......more self-centerness.....you blame your mom, alanon and AA ........yet not yourself. I am glad you chose suboxone fo your issue......for most of us suboxone alone is not the answer...many of us do 12 step programs, therapy, counseling or outpatient treatment. Take some time to read some post on this site...it has helped me very much. I too used to be all about me and sometimes I still can be....I may be in this post...I have also been married 3 times..so not an expert. The only person that ruined my life was me in my drug and alcohol abuse.....today AA and suboxone has given me my life back......be open in your recovery and good luck..........


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:04 am 
Mikemac, While the above replies are not wrong by any means, I'm gonna cut you some slack here. You are new to all this and it's going to take a while for you to 'get' it. It takes longer for some of us than others. You're thoughts on telling the wife and getting therapy and all that....are only natural.
I don't think you have to be a self-centered, selfish, all-about-me addict to have a basic sense of self-preservation kick in when the world as you have always known it is changing in monumental ways! Sure, at it's core it probably is self-centered, but good Lord....be gentle. Some of us need time to learn these concepts. If all Mikemac knows is that "recovery" and "therapy" has negatively impacted his life....I don't blame him for feeling the way he does at this point. When we're young, we can't see things like an adult does. Right? Mikemac saw his mom go to meetings - her behavior changed and his parents got divorced. To a kid I can see how that would mean - Meetings=cult=bad outcomes or something like that. It's not such a reach. And I don't disagree with him totally about therapy either. Unfortunately there ARE some bad therapists out there who DO harm, not good.
I waited till the last possible minute to tell my husband what I had done, how sick I was in my addiction. I waited till I was forced to tell the people I love the most. Why? A lot of reasons. Were they ALL self centered? Mostly, at their core, yes. But you know what? It's damn difficult to accept this thing. In my opinion, especially, if you've been highly functioning. It's like everything you believe about yourself and everything everyone else believed about you has to be stripped away. It takes time! For some of us, it does not happen immediately. Being educated about the selfcentered nature of addiction is only the beginning. Eventually if we want to keep getting better these concepts will sink in and we'll 'get' it.
Mikemac, everything about your relationship with your wife will change. It will be hard. It is a true test of the relationship. You're gonna have to let her feel what she needs to feel. It's going to take time and work. I think if you have a good therapist, it's a good place to start. You will need help most likely if your marriage is to make it through this intact.
I just wanted you to know that I understand. Again, donh and reraise are telling you the truth. It's hard to swallow I know. But give it time. The things they told you will become clearer as you progress in your recovery.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 6:49 am 
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Although I can see your perception of the "cultish" ways of non-addicts being selfish and god knows what structure or who was running the meetings, with that being said I believe that what we are doing here is just like those meetings and its important for long term care. Also it's hard telling how people preceive whats being said in these meetings. I have never gone to one but if you have felt it first hand your claim is hard to debunk. Everyone is different and families fall in that same category as well.

I have obtained an MBA and I am currently a brank manager, all achieved on 400-600 mg morphine a day. Not proud of that and I am starting symboxon tomorrow (with a Dr. who specializes in this) and this cite has been great thank you all. Nor am I saying it helped me achieve it. Like you though mike my personal relationship with my long term girlfriend has suffered greatly due to NO sex drive. When I came clean with her it was tough at first, since I lied and told her I quite some time ago, but I now have great support at home.

I think you should include your wife. I know she blames herself for you not having sex with her and people are inherently insecure. This can devastate an insecure person and as your wife she should be a part and feel as such. I am new and admit I dont know too much just what I have encountered.

I wish you luck and everyone else out there who has the power to be euphoric free.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 6:11 am 
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Mike,
Im glad that you were able to take that step and let your wife in on your addiction. I hid mine for years and I still find it hard to include him in my recovery. I wanted to do the recovery thing on my own and I soon realized how much I had effected him and didn't really know it. I thought since he was clueless then he wouldn't see anything, but in fact the puzzle pieces started to fit together and he understood why things were the way they were.I too was a functioning addict as most of us are.But we don't see what others see... As for the sex thing, its a terrible loss, I still to this day on subs have such a problem but my sobriety means more to me right now(my hubby would kill me if he heard me say that)
I STILL to this day find it hard to include him in everything and that's okay somethings will go down with me to my grave and we found the best way to get through this was to go our separate ways in recovering, because he too had to recover from me being an addict. Make sure you communicate with her, let her know how you are today, Im sure she is hurt and feels betrayed in some way for you keeping this a secret from her (at least that's how my hubby said he felt) We are going through the healing process right now and I feel we will truly never heal completely but don't just sweep this under the rug my friend and keep a blindfold over her eyes, let her in on your time, ad it becomes a little easier each time you discuss this with her. I wish you all the best!!! By the way after rereading your post, I can see where you would feel the way about AA mtgs, your secondhand experience with them has given you such a negative impression, I will admit that there are people who take it to an extreme. But they truly are there to help you and you should in my opinion keep an open mind about them...what happened to your parents doesn't mean it will happen to you guys...That's all I have


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:16 am 
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Hi Mike,
I'm sorry things are tough now in your marriage. This sounds simple and cliche', but it's very true: Give it time. I started recovery in December '08. For months I asked my husband to talk to me about how I damaged the relationship. He wouldn't. We started marriage counseling a few months ago and just two weeks ago he finally spoke up.

Of course every marriage is different. But addiction destroys trust and it takes trust to open up and communicate honestly. My addiction changed how we both responded to each other - in general it really screwed up all our communications. He didn't talk because he didn't know how I'd react and feared hurting me. We both needed time before addressing such issues.

I'm not saying it will take you a year, but understand things might move slowly. Just try to keep the lines of communication open.

Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

Melissa

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 01, 2010 12:07 pm 
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Yesterday I had to tell my husband why I was acting more emotional toward him. For the past 10 years, I had been distant, yet nice according to him. Now, I am affectionate and very interested in him. I give him attention all the time, like massages every day, cooking him favorite meals, and even being a bit weepy at times, which is weird for me because I never cry. He was wondering if something was wrong. So I had to tell him I had been addicted to pain pills until the middle of May, when I stopped. Now I am waking up my emotions, and it's my new life. I love my new life, I told him.

He took it really well, until later yesterday, when he asked how many pills I was taking. I said 20 - 40 norco/day, and he figured out how much it probably cost. He did not know the extent of the problem. He knew I was taking pills, but he did not know how many, and he did not know I was addicted.

Well, he felt betrayed, and I don't know what else, because he was pretty quiet after that and slept on the couch half the night. He was yelling at the kids, and they kept asking, 'what is wrong with dad?'

I'm wondering if other people had hidden their addiction, went on subuxone or other treatment, and later told their spouse about the addiction? How long did it take the spouse to get over the pain and betrayal? What are some things I can do to ease the pain for him? What might be going through his mind?

I am sure we will have more people seeking help without their spouse ever knowing of the addiction or the subutex! Oh, since he was so quiet and did not want to talk anymore, I did not yet get a chance to tell him about the subutex. I wonder if that will worry him, or make him relieved because he will not have to worry about me relapsing.

I appreciate any advice.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 01, 2010 12:19 pm 
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Hi KellyB,

I can't offer you any advice, as I haven't been in your situation. However, I did want to give you my support. I'm sorry things are so difficult and unknown right now. I'm sure your secret was a shock to him and he might just need a little patience from you. Be sure to answer all of his questions. He may need some education about the nature of addiction as well as suboxone/subutex, after that subject arises. I think it's great that you told him and I'm sure he'll come around. Please take care of yourself in the mean time and let us know how you're doing with all of this.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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